Narcissist Recovery Blog

Sex with a Narcissist

I have heard it said on here many many times that SEX with the PD was the best SEX ever. I have often asked myself, what does this mean? The most erotic, the most rageful, the most varied positions, the most frequency, the most intensity, what? What is so GREAT about it.

SEX with a PD is NOT LOVE, that is for sure. They do not love, they take hostages, victims, they aim for control. How can this be so great?

They often lie, cheat, steal, degrade, belittle, insult, use, control, manipulate. So what is so great about being in bed with someone who treats you like garbage?

Do we think so little of ourselves and has our society so lowered the bar on what intimacy, love, and caring are that we mistake erotic using as LOVE?

Responding to contact

I think the true issue lies in the thinking BEFORE the hoover attempt is made.

IF the thinking is solid and focused on recovery and what a PD truly is and what the PD actually has done to DESTROY your life, the end result will be, NOT to answer or respond to the hoovering attempt at all.

I believe that the true problem lie's in the thinking which preceeds the hoover attempt.

These are some of the hurdles which I see the members face consistantly here on the forum:

He really does love me; he just had a bad childhood and has trouble expressing his feelings.

He may not even be a narc, so in my particular case I need to respond, he may have changed.

"I thought we bonded," Did we?

In answer to a question regarding why he no longer thinks his mother is a PD and Did we bond, it felt "to me" that way at times:

They only "appear to bond" to suck you in.

He may have been mildy interested in the childhood stuff at the time because of was all about him and an obvious way to suck you in, no brainer there for him.

The notion that he is disordered and his Mom is a cad is not something he will entertain with you now, why bother, it worked and he got what he wanted for a time.

He will only blame his Mom when it suits him. When she is not being good supply and as soon as she fixes something for him or gives him money, support whatever, she is A Okay is his book. Until the next time she says NO or pisses him off and then she is the "bad one."

Happy Thanksgiving!

It is easy to forget the many blessings we have, which is why Thanksgiving is such an important time to cherish all we have to be grateful for in life. The present truly is a gift to be cherished. An attitude of gratitude can change your life.

When I stop in the moment and ask myself if I'm ok, I realize I'm not starving, I'm not oppressed and I'm not a prisoner of war somewhere. I'm in a safe place and have much to be grateful for in life.

We have to stop allowing ourselves to slip away from the present moment. Did you know that ALL of our anxiety comes from worrying about the future or regretting the past?

This little saying helps me re-focus when I find myself struggling to stay in the moment:

Yesterday is History
Tomorrow, a Mystery
Today is a Gift

Out of options...the struggle with No Contact

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.”

You are in a fog that is so thick it feels like slogging through peanut butter. Every single step is sticky, like quicksand, like tar...all smeary and dark. You do not know what to do, what to feel, how you will ever find your way out. Again.

Role you, friend, OW play to the PD

PD's are known for black and white thinking.

Some of them like to come across as easy going, a great friend, and person. The truth of the matter is that PD's are quite rigid in their thinking and their actions. They know exactly what they DO or DO NOT want from you. You are either IN or OUT and this can "appear" to change like the wind. This is why it feels so intense to the receiver. When you are IN it is all encompassing and when you are out it feels like you have been hit by a cold front. The contrast can be startling the first time you experience this.

Straight to the Top

Yesterday I climebd a 103 flights of stairs to the top of the Willis Tower ( formerly Known as The Sears Tower)

Yes my Friends 103 miserable flights of stairs..

It was quite an accomplishment for an this Old Chick.. That in itself was a Journey.. I felt Narced all over again..

As I say must start at the begining to get to the end.. The first 15 to 20 flights were the toughest .. Oh my, Im never going to make it.. this is impossible.. around the 43rd floor I sent Happy1 a text.. (I took a picutre of floor number ) "FUCK" .. She is my biggest cheer leader.. "You can do it, keep going" .. UGH.. What did I get myself into?? Pain, sweating, heart racing.. OMG!

And so it begins...Spinning's 12 month ascent from hell

“That which is to give light
Must endure burning.”
---Viktor Frankel

One day you wake up and you’re a skeleton.
You want to paste back on the substance that was you but you can’t find it in the ashes.
You reach in and pull out dust.
This is when you begin to understand that this is somehow the truth you were meant to find as a little girl who just wanted to be loved. This experience, this dance with the devil that scaled you down to the bones happened because it needed to. All of the things that brought you to the dance floor in the first place must be examined, turned over, and illuminated. You so want to find the light. You’ve been lost in the dark for so long...

This is when the little voice whispers, wimpers, mumbles, rumbles.
This is when you rise...

The OW Compliments of Sparrow

I wish i could take credit for this but Sparrow gets a Gold Star for this..

It comes up often so Now we dont need to search for it..

Thank You Sparrow !!

The OW
I felt a need to post this today............with all of the past, present posts regarding the topic of the OW.

Most seem to have an obsession with this woman. This onbession is getting in the way of your healing more so then the issue at hand. I just want to put this out there for you to read, think about, and if you have to, read again and again and again..........

There appears to be much confusion as to: What is a PD?

A PD's behavior often comes across as a series of contraditions and it is often difficult to sort it all out.

A PD is a personality disorder, it is not a choice, and is ingrained into the personality and has become part of the makeup of the person.

We especially as women, are trained to be caregivers, problem solvers, and have big hearts and souls which basically believe that with enough LOVE anything is possible. Just watch a few love stories or Disney movies and everything, no matter how bad, most always has a happy ending and love pervails. Love got Heidi's grandfather off the mountain. Love helped the little girl to walk again. Love cures alcholism, sexual orientation, and changes the bad into good in the movies which we watched when we were kids.

Contact = Pain

I love a beautiful hot summer day.. It's mid August, sun is blazing the waves crashing on Lake Michigan! What day..if this day could be bottled up and saved..

I'm looking hot in my bikini, reading Lisa's book ,drinking a nice glass of lemonade ... Ahhhh Paradise!!

Buzz,Buzz,Buzz..... What's that?? Ugh ..a pesky yellow jacket... Fine, they have a place on the planet too.. I'm going to ignore that darn bug, maybe it will fly away.. I think he wants some of my lemonade ..

Ok .. where was I ... Ok .. the chapter about No Contact...

Buzz,Buzzz.... Ugh, darn Bee.. Ignore,ignore,ignore..... Buzz,Buzzz.. Lisa's book is now a weapon..Swat, Swat..I missed...

Why the Narcissist can Dish it Out, but Can't Take It

This is an excellent article from "Psychology Today" that helps us understand how the narcissist perpetuates his own worst fear - being alone - by the way he responds to the people in his life who care about him the most.

"Blaming and excessively criticizing others to shore up an extraordinarily vulnerable ego--and reacting antagonistically in the face of anything regarded as critical of themselves--they keep others at a distance that renders any true intimacy impossible. The way they "set things up" in relationships, particularly intimate relationships, makes their self-created dilemma unsolvable."