There is much talk and concern on here regarding the hoover.
What is a hoover?
Sometimes it is simply an attempt for the PD to SCREW with you. They are bored or angry with you, someone else has just pissed them off so why not take it out on you.
So you have made it through your Recovery and you want to begin to get your feet wet again.
This is in response to a member's question regarding their frustration with beginning to date again. This answer pertains to this particular member, yet others may also find some of this helpful.
Whether you feel ready not, the biggest thing I hope we all have learned from this experience is SELF PROTECTION and to TRUST OUR INSTINCTS and watch for those RED FLAGS.
NO venue is completely safe or "foolproof." The Internet is a preditors playground. They can pretend to be whoever they want to be. Many have met their narcs online.
I am a spiritual person, but not a religious person. The beauty of nature and miracle of life prove to me that a higher power exists beyond myself. I believe this higher power exists everywhere. We do not need to go to a church or a temple to be close to God. If that is something that helps us feel closer, then it’s a wonderful thing to do. At times, I do attend service. Inspiring sermons can be very powerful, especially at this time of year.
However, I know that in order to be close to God, I do not need to be anywhere other than with myself. God is within each one of us. It is this realization that has allowed me to find my spirituality.
The kingdom of heaven is within you.
(Luke 17:21)
A Time of Self Forgiveness and Setting NEW Bounderies for the NEW YEAR, 2012!
We do not have to do anything we don't feel comfortable with in order to try to KEEP or SECURE a man or woman. Once you cross over that line, you don't really have them anyway; they have you."
The New Year is fast approaching and is a great time to let go of unhealthy behaviors.
The New Year Resolution; 2012.
I just read an excellent article I want to share with all of you! A must-read showing how more and more women are choosing to be independent in life and are happy with this decision.
I'm not saying we should never date a man (quite the opposite) but why are we so consumed with finding one we can settle down with for the rest of our lives? Is this even realistic anymore or desirable for that matter?
Narcissists are like children who require constant attention and validation every second of the day. Without such ego-stroking, they become criticial, demeaning and cruel. When we first come out of a relationship with such a person, we find ourselves with lots of free time we don't necessarily know what to do with or how to spend.
“First start with doing what is necessary. Then what is possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.”
--St. Francis of Assisi
You’re in such pain right now that you feel like you’ve just gone through surgery without anesthesia. Someone has removed your vital organs and you are gutted. Weak. You feel like a ghost wandering in the fog. Every step feels like sandpaper scraping against your raw skin.
Just recently I had a leaky pipe.. Drip,drip drip.. Ignore ..ignore ignore..
My friends all gave the name of a affordable plumber..drip,drip... That bucket will take care of it..I'm to busy.. Work, family, activites, .. Drip drip..
My friends " you still havnt called that plumber". Fine so I cheap out and call handy man Charlie..
Charlie " sure Mrs. I can fix it . It will be $100.00" Great.. It's fixed and at half the price..
Ugh.. Drip, drip drip.. So I call Charlie back .. Charlie now gives me the silent treatment...he got his money..
In the interim ... The leak is now worse than before.. Good thing for the bucket..drip ..drip..
GUEST BLOG FROM A MEMBER, ~Anonymous~
How sick do you have to be to lie to somebody in order to win their heart, their everything, and then get off on letting them fall as hard as they can. To not be kidding, but seriously be this person. not a joke. To watch their confusion, fuel it, and then ignore their pleas for clarity. To rage at their attempts at clarity. To try everything to get them back, while pretty much with someone else, just to play her off the other one. And then when she tries to put two and two together, is confused and desperately tries to confront it, to tell her she's losing her grip...and after a while, to neither rage nor directly imply that she's crazy, but to tell her she needs help. And advise her that she should find a nice guy and move on.
Thanks for sharing this ZZcem. Excellent read.
http://www.toddlertime.com/sam/6.htm
The truth will set us free and the truth for us lie's within us; not them. Once you stop looking towards them for the answer and go within for the solution's, recovery and healing begin to flow more rapidly. This is an inside job.
Phew!! I must say I was extremely concerned in 2010 when the APA (American Psychological Association) announced it would be eliminating (NPD) Narcissistic Personality Disorder from their update to the DSM (Diagnostics & Statistics Manual)in 2013.
Fortunately, due to significant professional and public outcry, the APA has decided NOT to eliminate NPD as a psychiatric disorder!
Thank you, APA! Thank God! Thanks to everyone who has ever done anything to build awareness on the topic of pathological narcissism. It is NOT normal behavior and should NEVER be classified as such!
In my opinion, if the APA did eliminate NPD as a psychiatric disorder, it would be sending a message that narcissism has not only become an acceptable norm of behavior, but is now necessary for survival!
I have heard it said on here many many times that SEX with the PD was the best SEX ever. I have often asked myself, what does this mean? The most erotic, the most rageful, the most varied positions, the most frequency, the most intensity, what? What is so GREAT about it.
SEX with a PD is NOT LOVE, that is for sure. They do not love, they take hostages, victims, they aim for control. How can this be so great?
They often lie, cheat, steal, degrade, belittle, insult, use, control, manipulate. So what is so great about being in bed with someone who treats you like garbage?
Do we think so little of ourselves and has our society so lowered the bar on what intimacy, love, and caring are that we mistake erotic using as LOVE?
I think the true issue lies in the thinking BEFORE the hoover attempt is made.
IF the thinking is solid and focused on recovery and what a PD truly is and what the PD actually has done to DESTROY your life, the end result will be, NOT to answer or respond to the hoovering attempt at all.
I believe that the true problem lie's in the thinking which preceeds the hoover attempt.
These are some of the hurdles which I see the members face consistantly here on the forum:
He really does love me; he just had a bad childhood and has trouble expressing his feelings.
He may not even be a narc, so in my particular case I need to respond, he may have changed.