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Why is NC so difficult even though I know he is no good for me?

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on Jun 10 - 9AM

This is the nature of grief, loss, and change

We grieve endings whether they were good or bad, it is still going to be a big change for you, as well as a loss. The loss of what "should" have been, never was, the good and the bad. We grieve the death of the hope, fantasy, and illusion of what we wanted it to be.

We fear the unknown and often get comfortable with that which is familar and venturing into the newness and unknown may be challenging on many levels.

Just because a relationship had many hurtful components does not mean that there were not things about being with that person which brought you comfort. As awful as PD's are, in truth it was not all bad or we would not have been with them in the first place.

INDENTIFY; DON'T COMPARE.....A NARCissist IS A NARcissist IS A NARCissist.....ABUSE IS ABUSE IS ABUSE.....

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on Jun 8 - 10AM

WHAT WE TOLERATE or would not tolerate and WHY.

In response to a post regarding different types of narcs. Those who name call and physically abuse vs those who do not.

Those who are sexually deviant and those who are not.

It's real simple with Narcs

They target what they want and who will put up with their particular brand of abuse. All narcs do not physically abuse or name call by any stretch, not sure where that myth originated from.

I was talking with a friend one day, who was also out of a relationship with a Narc, and she said: I WOULD NEVER BE WITH A MAN WHO WAS ON CRACK OR HIT ME!!!

Are Narcissist's bad people?

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on May 12 - 5AM

Why do we struggle with the notion that we were infiltrated in our own homes and hearts by evil? Why is this concept difficult to wrap the brain around? Why would we prefer to live in denial that they are even a PD? When we attempt to warn others they look at US like we are the one's with the problem. Why can't WE move on and stop trying to "cause trouble" for the him and his new supply? We are trained when bad things happen to let it go and move on. People do not want to hear about our unsavory mess. Just forget about it we are told. Get on with your life. You will find someone better.

All righty then.....The PD has you doubting yourself and then others imply that your wanting to warn them is dramatic. No one could be that bad. It takes two to tango.

So you think he is home alone pondering the RELATIONSHIP?

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on May 11 - 8AM

Unless you have a Private Detective tailing them 24/7.......

If they are a Narc, trust me on this, they ARE NOT alone as much as YOU think they are.

They also use porno, drugs, food, random people, TV, games, gambling, the Internet, for supply.

Part of the nature of a Narc is to have a secret world, they get off on the fact that it is SECRET.

They have secret little connections ALL over the place that YOU know nothing about.

They are liars.

Silent Treatment= Other Supply

Narc Speak:

I don't feel well, I am going home to get some sleep.
Going to OW or home to whack off to porn or get some drugs if they are an addict.

I cannot stand that girl.
I am telling you I can't stand her to get YOU off the scent. I will be back to hit on her when YOU are not around.

The Dance of the Narcissist; Delight, Devalue, Degrade, & Discard

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on May 10 - 8AM

The Dance of the Narcissist; Delight, Devalue, Degrade, & Discard

Education, understanding, & acceptance is your POWER and FREEDOM

Once you get who and what they are; YOU then make a CHOICE.

Do I want someone in my life who is USING me and has no LOVE or VALUE for me OR do I want myself and my life back?

They do NOT change, they do NOT care about you and eventually they will destroy ALL that is real, good, and valuable in your life.

They are blood sucking vampires, vultures, maggots, parasites looking for a host.

Do you want to be a host?

This is a choice, either you cut your losses, call it a day, and go NC.

OR......

You go a few more rounds and let then take MORE.

They usually come back for more even years later. The HOOVER is NOT a compliement.

How do you get your "HEART" to understand?

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on Apr 30 - 8AM

New
Self Forgiveness; Excellent Important Topic
July 5, 2014 - 7:38am — Goldie
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Vote up!
How do you get your "HEART" to understand?

This is where I struggled the most.

Says it all for me. This is exactly where I had trouble with acceptance.

I got that he was a PD and highly disturbed.

I got that I was used and sucked into his seedy world of sickness and manipulation.

I got that he would never love me in a way which resembled anything healthy.

I got that I could no longer consider him to be a part of my life on any level and that the relationship had been a farce.

Now what?

I was still left with me.

My heart, my feelings of love.

What I felt was real, regardless to what he felt.

"When you are with a Psychopath, you do not stay for the sake of your family; you LEAVE for the sake of your family." ~. Goldie

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on Apr 20 - 9AM

"When you are with a Psychopath, you do not stay for the sake of your family; you LEAVE for the sake of your family." ~. Goldie

The research regarding a predator shows us that many of them are created, by either, overindulgence or neglect shown to them as children. The overindulged ones generally still have their families of origin for supply and tend to demonstrate as selfish, childish, willful, immature, entitled, demanding, grandiose, and rage full. Similar to a spoiled 2 year old tantruming to have their way. They do what they want when they want it. The King Baby Syndrome.

The neglected, abandoned, and abused ones are an entirely different story. They come looking to take, control, destroy, infiltrate; they eat you up and spit you out.

I found my laughter again

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on Apr 19 - 6AM

By the time I made it here to the forum I had lost my laughter. That sincere belly laugh was nowhere to be found. The N/P had sucked the last little chuckle out of me.

One day I was acting silly around the Narc and he said: "Why are you acting like that, you never act like that." I froze dead in my tracks and I thought to myself. What is he talking about? I am silly and playful all the time. NOT, I had not been silly and playful for a long time.

The Goldie who enjoyed silly banter, laughting wholeheartedly, and the playful Goldie was lost, missing in action.

This selfish, lying, cheating, stealing, using, drug addicted, manipulative, perverted, blood sucking, dark hole of deception had sucked the life out of me.

What does the Narcissist "feel" when we go No Contact, the Abuse Cycle, Silent Treatment, and will he change if I go NC?

Goldie's picture
Submitted by Goldie on Apr 11 - 9AM

They certainly don't wither in pain like we do.

They feel fear, they may not find someone else to put up with their sorry ass and they contact us initially due to fear of abandonment. Once the dust settles and they regroup, because they feel nothing for us aside from their own contempt and fear of being alone, they begin to contemplate their next move.