I just received the following message from Nemesis and with her permission, am sharing it with all of you as I feel it is very profound and should help many of us better understand why the narcissist simply cannot accept our love.
"It's really complicated - I had to do loads of reading about it before I could even begin to understand it and make it sink in. But from what I've read, I understand that they really can't handle someone loving them.
My response to a member going through the "growing pains" of change and self awareness, the letting go of the hopes and dreams and feeling those gut level emotions of intense grief and loss:
Each step and stage has many levels of emotions and awarenesss. I can remember sobbing from the depths of my soul for days when I realized how very sick he was (my X PD) and that he could NEVER be for me or give me what I wanted and needed.
I equated this with my Dad, brother, and many other men I had tried to get something from who had nothing to give to me.
I believe the problem lies in the fact that most women and (men) in codependent relationships with PD addicts have no real clue that they are being manipulated on a daily basis by a pro. How do you suppose they maintain their addictions AND manage to have a beautiful girl who turns a deaf ear and turns away with her eyes and instincts to what is actually going on???
The Lies Which Nearly Drove Me to the
Brink of Insanity
I lost myself in his tangled webb of deception.
Lies, Lies, Lies, reality is slipping away.
I am tired; I am losing my truth; my way.
Who am I with him? Who am I without him?
Help me; how do I get away? How do I get him out; he won't leave me?
Take my house, take my car, take my credit cards, just don't take my soul.
My light is growing dim, I am tired, I can't fight back anymore.
Dear God; please make him leave. He won't leave.
The police think it is a joke; I called them 11 times and they laugh in my face.
He leaves; he goes to jail. He comes back to torture me again.
He begins to sniff white powder and turns into Satan, the devil himself.
Dear M,
As you and I both know, this relationship is no longer filling either one of our needs. The time has come to part company on all levels. This includes having you in my mind, body, and soul.
I can no longer fill your need for me to cater to your every whim, put my life on a back burner for yours, listen to your insults, lies, manipulations, mind games, cons, engage in your sexual perversions, remain in financial ruin, and sell my soul to the devil.
You no longer fill my need to mother a little boy, try to control the actions of an irresponsible wreckless self centered soul snatching coward, clean up your messes.
Ok, I can’t help myself. I indulge in reality television on Monday nights. It’s one of my guilty pleasures.
“Dancing with the Stars” because it’s a real competition and “The Bachelorette” because, well…..I am fascinated by human behavior.
Perhaps this is why I love teaching Organizational Behavior at Loyola University. Believe it or not, the instructor materials which accompany the textbook I’ve been assigned include powerpoint slides on the topic of Cognitive Dissonance.
Last week was my first class and I was so excited to educate the students on what Cognitive Dissonance means and why it causes us so much emotional distress.
Waking up and finding clarity is the key to our recovery. We fall hard for the Narcissist. We are in total bliss in the beginning. We can't believe we finally found our soul mate - he is everything we ever wanted in a man and more.
When his true colors start to show, we do everything we can to avoid acknowledging them. We don't want to admit that this man is not who we thought he was. Why would we want to admit this? I know I didn't want to - I spent 8 years banging my head against the wall blaming everything on myself, but why?
Since this last breakup I have been looking at things from a different perspective. Last time it was more about what was wrong with him. Now it is more about what in me ALLOWED this into my precious life.
This time I am looking at what in me attracted him in the first place and what in me put up with the repeated incidences of unacceptable, insensitive, often cruel, behavior towards me.
Previously with most guys, I would never put up with any of this and if anything, I was the one in control in those relationships. I had some boundaries. Yet, I also never felt about them the way I feel about this one. Why was it different with him?
Why did I allow him to almost completely destroy my life, only to take him back?
I am often asked when the grieving ends. Everyone is different. You can’t put a time frame on the healing process. What I do know is that the longer you avoid your pain, the longer it takes to recover. We must confront our pain and process it in order to heal and move on. Writing about it helps, expressing ourselves helps, meditating helps. All of these things help, but it is up to you to put these things in motion for yourself. No one else can do it for you and until you do, you will remain stuck. You will not thrive. It is your choice.
Pain is temporary. Pride is forever.
My mother is not only the best mother in the world, but the best friend a girl could ever ask for and I am incredibly blessed to have her in my heart and soul. She is my best friend, my closest confidante, my role model, my rock and my inspiration. Mothers and daughters have a very special relationship.
I believe mothers reside in our heart and soul. Our mothers are the essence of us. We came to life in our mother’s womb and will hence always be a part of them. Our bodies are an extension of one another in the truest sense of the word. Our heart and soul are one in the same and always will be.
If you’re like me, you have fallen for more than one Narcissist. As a result, I often ask myself why I’m attracted to these personality types and would like to understand why they are attracted to me.
In my opinion, the first part of this question is simple. It is easy to fall for a Narcissist. They are charming, witty and often the life of the party. They are the quintessential Alpha Male. To spend time with them is exciting and fun. There is an intensity about them that is indescribable. They possess a force that is magnetic. There is simply never a dull moment and they always keep you on your toes.
People who have never experienced obsessive thoughts before suddenly find themselves obsessing about the narcissist, and don't understand why or where it is coming from. I can tell you. It is the result of Cognitive Dissonance, which is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time.
Cognitive Dissonance leads to obsessive thought because we are trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense. How can I love something that I also hate? How can I be crazy in love with this person, but despise him at the same time? We remember the wonderful times, the good times and the person we thought we fell in love with and we miss him. We wonder what happened to him. Where did he go? Why did he disappear? What did I do wrong?