Narcissist Recovery Blog

The Lies Which Nearly Drove Me to the
Brink of Insanity

I lost myself in his tangled webb of deception.

Lies, Lies, Lies, reality is slipping away.

I am tired; I am losing my truth; my way.

Who am I with him? Who am I without him?

Help me; how do I get away? How do I get him out; he won't leave me?

Take my house, take my car, take my credit cards, just don't take my soul.

My light is growing dim, I am tired, I can't fight back anymore.

Dear God; please make him leave. He won't leave.

The police think it is a joke; I called them 11 times and they laugh in my face.

He leaves; he goes to jail. He comes back to torture me again.

He begins to sniff white powder and turns into Satan, the devil himself.

Ok, I can’t help myself. I indulge in reality television on Monday nights. It’s one of my guilty pleasures.
“Dancing with the Stars” because it’s a real competition and “The Bachelorette” because, well…..I am fascinated by human behavior.

Perhaps this is why I love teaching Organizational Behavior at Loyola University. Believe it or not, the instructor materials which accompany the textbook I’ve been assigned include powerpoint slides on the topic of Cognitive Dissonance.

Last week was my first class and I was so excited to educate the students on what Cognitive Dissonance means and why it causes us so much emotional distress.

Since this last breakup I have been looking at things from a different perspective. Last time it was more about what was wrong with him. Now it is more about what in me ALLOWED this into my precious life.

This time I am looking at what in me attracted him in the first place and what in me put up with the repeated incidences of unacceptable, insensitive, often cruel, behavior towards me.

Previously with most guys, I would never put up with any of this and if anything, I was the one in control in those relationships. I had some boundaries. Yet, I also never felt about them the way I feel about this one. Why was it different with him?

Why did I allow him to almost completely destroy my life, only to take him back?

My mother is not only the best mother in the world, but the best friend a girl could ever ask for and I am incredibly blessed to have her in my heart and soul. She is my best friend, my closest confidante, my role model, my rock and my inspiration. Mothers and daughters have a very special relationship.

I believe mothers reside in our heart and soul. Our mothers are the essence of us. We came to life in our mother’s womb and will hence always be a part of them. Our bodies are an extension of one another in the truest sense of the word. Our heart and soul are one in the same and always will be.

People who have never experienced obsessive thoughts before suddenly find themselves obsessing about the narcissist, and don't understand why or where it is coming from. I can tell you. It is the result of Cognitive Dissonance, which is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time.

Cognitive Dissonance leads to obsessive thought because we are trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense. How can I love something that I also hate? How can I be crazy in love with this person, but despise him at the same time? We remember the wonderful times, the good times and the person we thought we fell in love with and we miss him. We wonder what happened to him. Where did he go? Why did he disappear? What did I do wrong?