Narcissist Recovery Blog

Perspective is Everything When Recovering from a Narcissist!

Having any type of contact with our ex while trying to break free will only keep us stuck under their spell. Creating distance is the only way to gain proper perspective and see things as they truly are.

We must break contact in order to really assess the situation. It is this distance that allows us to look at things from the perspective of:

A “player” considering their next move versus a “pawn” waiting to be played.

"You cannot solve a problem from the same consciousness that created it.”
~ Albert Einstein

Retrain your Brain

As a result of the toxic relationship we were in, we were influenced to think illogically and doubt ourselves. We no longer trust our judgment and are experiencing severe anxiety and Cognitive Dissonance. We need to deprogram from our ex and....

Retrain Our Brain

The most important thing to recognize when retraining your brain is that you are currently in a state of major anxiety. It is this anxiety that causes you to remain stuck and unable to focus on anything productive. You must acknowledge that you no longer want to remain in this negative pattern of thinking and will consciously make an effort to break free from it.

Don't be Afraid to Cry

I noticed some talk on the forum today about crying. Please know there should be absolutely no shame in crying. In fact, it is our body's natural response to pain. It is the body's natural medicine!

It is critical to process our feelings. We should not repress our emotions and must confront our experience. If we do not, we will remain stuck in a state of pain.

"There is no coming to consciousness without pain."
~Carl Jung

I spent many years in this state, which I refer to as my “dark period.” Eckhart Tolle refers to this state of being as the “pain body.” In his groundbreaking book, The Power of Now, he explains how the pain body is actually afraid of the light of consciousness. Its survival is dependent on your unconscious fear of facing the pain that lives in you.

Have a Love Affair with Yourself this Valentine’s Day!

If you are here, you are most likely an Empath,which describes a person who is highly tuned into other’s emotions and extremely sensitive. It means you have an intense feeling of empathy and compassion for others.

Empaths are incredible listeners, naturally giving and always there for people they care about. Narcissists notice this immediately. They purposefully seek a partner who is compassionate and in tune with their never-ending needs. An Empath absorbs the emotions of others and will easily fall prey to a Narcissist, who uses others as an emotional sponge.

Wake Up and Face owe it to yourself!

Loving someone who cannot return our love is not easy to accept. When in a relationship with a narcissist, we often lie to ourselves in order to keep going. We lie to ourselves that things aren’t as bad as they really are. We do not want to accept that the person we fell in love with is not who we thought they were. No one wants to admit this. Why would we want to admit this without a fight? We have invested so much in this relationship. We do not want to believe that our soul mate is not real. We would rather exhaust every possibile excuse or explanation we can before we admit this inconvenient truth to ourselves.

Why it's so hard for us to stay away

Many of us don’t understand why we can’t stay away even after we learn how toxic they are to us. We must remember they have brainwashed us. Like a salesman, they keep us coming back with the lure, the promise and the hook.

They are master manipulators. They know how to make us feel guilty, so we will come back for absolution. They know how to make us feel sorry for them, so we will offer to help them. They know how to promise great things, so we will return in hopes that it will be different this time. They know how to make us doubt ourselves, so we will seek validation from them. Ultimately, they have trained us to return to them over and over again.

Emotional Memory & the Power of Our Thoughts

At one time, we thought there was a single memory system in the brain. Thanks to recent advances in science and technology, we now know that memories are formed in a variety of systems and can easily be divided into two major categories:

Conscious Memory (i.e. explicit factual memory systems)


Unconscious or Subconscious Memory (i.e. implicit emotional memory systems)

Understanding the Ego’s Role in the Life of the Narcissist

The following terms have been used interchangeably in our culture for years: real self, true self, inner child, higher self. These terms refer to the same core part in humans. It is who we are when we feel most authentic or genuine. Our true self is loving, giving, expressive, creative, and spontaneous. Overall, we feel whole and alive when we are in touch with our true self. This feeling of wholeness and happiness can only come to us when we are open, honest and real with ourselves. We refer to this as the “Real-Self.” Essentially, our Real-Self is who we are when we feel most in touch with ourselves.

The Four Types of Toxic Personalities

The DSM-V is due out in 2013 and speculation regarding upcoming revisions has caused a great deal of controversy in the mental health field. Some reports indicate the American Psychological Association (APA) will condense the personality disorders. While we cannot predict what the APA will do in its upcoming version, the focus of my next book will be the four Toxic Personalities we most frequently encounter in romantic relationships that prohibit healthy intimacy and closeness.

The Four Toxic Personalities

1) The Narcissist – This person is an elitist and exists to be adored and admired.
• The characteristics of this Toxic Personality describe the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
• A pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.

Happy New Year!!!!

As we close out 2010, I want to thank all of you for being a blessing in my life! We have been through a lot, but I truly believe that what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. I know this has certainly been the case for me. I finally surrendered. What did I surrender? My ego. I stopped lying to myself that everything was ok. I dropped all inner resistance and started being honest with myself. I feel a sense of inner peace now that I never knew was possible. I am certain I would not have gotten to this point so early in my life had I not experienced what I did.

Merry Christmas!

"If, as Herod, we fill our lives with things, and again with things; if we consider ourselves so unimportant that we must fill every moment of our lives with action, when will we have the time to make the long, slow journey across the desert as did the Magi? Or sit and watch the starts as did the shepherds? Or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary? For each one of us, there is a desert to travel. A start to discover, And a being within ourselves to bring to life." ~ Author unknown

Cognitive Dissonance Leads to Obsessive Thoughts

It is important to realize that when coming out of a relationship with a narcissist our minds are experiencing severe Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time. Cigarette smokers are a perfect example of individuals who may experience Cognitive Dissonance. They enjoy their habit, but at the same time, loathe it because they know it’s bad for them, right?

Cognitive Dissonance leads to obsessive thought because we are trying to make sense of a situation that doesn’t make sense. How can I love something that I also hate? How can I be crazy in love with this person, but despise them at the same time?