Role you, friend, OW play to the PD

PD's are known for black and white thinking.

Some of them like to come across as easy going, a great friend, and person. The truth of the matter is that PD's are quite rigid in their thinking and their actions. They know exactly what they DO or DO NOT want from you. You are either IN or OUT and this can "appear" to change like the wind. This is why it feels so intense to the receiver. When you are IN it is all encompassing and when you are out it feels like you have been hit by a cold front. The contrast can be startling the first time you experience this.

You are either GOOD supply or BAD supply. This does not generally change. Being good or bad supply has NOTHING to do with whether or not they LOVE you, because they don't LOVE, it has to do with what you can do for them or what you bring to the table which they may need. Many newbies on here think it does, or they will change it, but it does not. They may even sleep with someone who is deemed bad supply because you let them and they said, why not? Easy lay, no biggie. Doesn't mean they now think of you as good supply. This holds true to whatever role you have been given. Primary supply, secondary supply, bad supply, ect...GF/OW/friend.

They decide pretty early on in the game as to what category you fit. They love to categorize people. To them you may be marriage material (many of them do marry, if someone will have them, yet you are right, they don't even commit to marriage in the traditional sense) or an easy lay. A slut whore or a sweet caring woman. A good girl or a bad girl; whore/Madonna. Intelligent/not so bright, sexy/frigid, beautiful/plain, classy/trashy, and so on.

Now this is where it gets tricky. When they first meet you and are in the "honeymoon" stage what they say to you has little to do with what they really think, because most Narcs will keep what they really think to either themselves or their male friends, if they have any, Narcs don't have many "real" friends, if any. They may though, have buddies, whom they have known for years.

So what they say to you in the beginning is not necessarily what they actually believe, it is a con, a manipulation designed to lure you in, suck you in, garner great new supply. So they psyche you out and figure out, early in the game, what you NEED to hear and this is what you get. This is one of the reasons that it feels so real because it is designed to feel real to you. Tailor made for you. They can spot your strengths and weakness's from a mile away and feed into them. They are playing you from day one.

When they D&D you they will say just about anything to try to hurt you, get rid of you, or manipulate you into towing the line. What they are saying DOES NOT in the slightest change their initial impressions of you. The D&D is strictly designed to hurt you and punish you for some real or imagined slight or they have OW and you are beginning to get too close to their "secret world." So they will go for your weak area's and slam you down. For example, if it is a given that you are intelligent, you know this, others know this, and they know this, they will not bother with this. Suppose you are insecure regarding your parenting skills, or an aspect of your looks, are jealous of OW, then this is where they will hit hardest in the honeymoon stage as well as the D&D. Whatever it takes to control and manipulate you and of course this holds true for what they do with OW as well. It's all the same game to them.

They are very good at their craft. Therefore what they say during the honeymoon stage is bullshit AND what they say during D&D is also bullshit. Another reason not to take too much stock or give much value to what a PD has to say.

This ALSO holds true for their "female friends" and the "OW." What they have to say to you regarding who and what these people are to them is all along the same vein as everything else they have to say to you. If they are in the HM stage with you, these people are all nothing to them because of course you are the love of their life now and their soul mate, unless they use an occasional comment in order to intentionally evoke jealousy in you to get you "hooked" on them by feeding on your insecurity regarding OW, if they can see that it will work, and if they can see that such a comment would turn you off, you will not get too many of those during HM stage. During D&D it is a crap shoot, they will say whatever set you over the edge. Now, some woman will tell the PD to f off after D&D, if they are not needy, insecure, or addicted to the PD. The ones who are brainwashed will want them all the more, the meaner they become, the more this triggers something inside of that woman to try harder.

So it is all dependent on what will work with you. Treat the whole like a Madonna and the Madonna like a whore. They like to surprise you with unexpected treatment and behaviors to confuse you and keep you on your feet. CONTROL. PD's use people, this is how they operate.

Narc grow bored easily and fear intimacy and the closer you try to get to them the more they will pull away. You may not see any of this at the time. They are always looking for new supply, whether you know this or believe this, it is the nature of a Narc. They can tell you that they want to marry you, you are the love of their life, they have never felt this way before, and begin texting OW, the second they are walking out the door. Some woman do not find out for years that they were being lied to and cheated on the entire time and this often comes from people who swear up and down that THEIR Narc would NEVER do this to them. Don't kid yourself, this is the very nature of what they do and at the crux of their fear of intimacy. It is a knee jerk reaction for them to try and secure new supply when they feel anyone getting too close and seeing as they are master manipulators, you are often the last to know.

So......Narcs decide fairly soon into the games as to what type of supply they are expecting from you. Once they decide, YOU cannot change the role in which you have been assigned. What they say to you means very little to them aside from it's value as a manipulative tool. They view friends, OW, in whatever role they have been given. Some may be a means to someone else they want. Friend of a "friend", someone they want to be with, they may be a fuck buddy, they may be a sounding board for jobs, relationship issue's, whatever, they may even sleep with someone who is a friend who they have no sexual interest in whatsoever because "it just happened." This does not mean that they love them less and you more, because they don't love, it means, that it just happened and they are not good supply, so who gives a shit.

They pursue you because for whatever reason, you were good supply at the time, when they no longer pursue you it's is not because they have fallen out of love with you, because they never loved you in the first place, it is because you are no longer feeding their ego's/needs.

They don't have "better" hookups with the OW, friends, or wives, to them it is ALL supply, this is why it "seems" "looks" complicated, when to the PD there is very little confusion. We get confused, they know exactly what their intentions and desires are with new supply and with you.

We NEVER really change a PD and what their intentions are towards us and others, they CHANGE us, if we allow them to, into filling and fitting into the roles to which we were assigned. You either change, sell your soul to the devil and become what they want or you LEAVE the PD.

Another thing comes to mind, many on here think that they did something wrong and this is why the PD has changed towards them. This could not be further from the truth. The truth is, they did not change, you are simply seeing them without their mask on AND THEY already decided whether they wanted you long term, short term, ect... You are just finding this out when you get D&D, you were not D&D because of what you did, you were D&D because you no longer served a purpose for the PD's master plan.

God bless,

Nov 24 - 3PM
Jannie In the Sun
Jannie In the Sun's picture


So true. Remembering that Narcs and PD's absolutely lack the ability to feel empathy for other was hard to understand at fist, but an honest hard look at past and future behaviors of my ExN made is sound like what you just wrote was indeed ALL ABOUT HIM with me and (I later found out) many many other women.
Nov 15 - 1PM
Totally Stunned
Totally Stunned's picture

Thank you Goldie

This was very well written, timely, necessary and right on every level imaginable. Thank you from my entire heart and brain...because they both dont usually feel the same or are in sync. Now...they do. Or are at least starting to feel the same. My head used to know about my narc, knew the evilness and manipulation tactics. My heart used to feel sorrow for him, kindness and pity. Hope for his healing and hope he would return to me. What you wrote here helps to make the heart/head in sync. It makes total the OW, he manipulated me into believing that his wife was not giving what he needed. She was never there for him, very insecure and always fed him junk food so that he would no longer be attractive. He would tell me that with every pleasure he gains from his wife - thoughts of being with me would take over. He told me so many lies about her and I KNOW he did the same to her about me. He would tell me that I was the love of his life, that what we shared was " not just sex" and he was with me for the long haul...that he cannot imagine life without me...talked about cruises, vacations, living together, etc. That was on a friday after a week long "wooing". That very next monday, I heard about the amazing sexual things he did for his wife in glorious detail (yep, he wrote it out) and how he is the best lover ever. The games he played...and the games I participated in, all because I honestly believed him. THIS HELPS ME SO MUCH GOLDIE - to realize it isnt me! IT WAS HIM!!! We all love you hard Goldie!
Nov 14 - 8AM
Redhead's picture

Thank you

Thank you Goldie...I needed to hear this today. At times, I go back to thinking "what did I do wrong"? Then I'm reminded and actually comforted that he is a disordered male. It's not that he stopped loving me, or that the OW is better than me.
Nov 13 - 11PM
freaked's picture

Goldie think that barely 4 weeks ago I had privately sulked when you told me to stop my pity party. i had begun imagining that maybe you did not like me... I know i may sound silly saying this...but i am writing this so that anyone at the forum who may have felt the way I did..can read this and know that Goldie Helps Ever and Hurts Never. Ditto for Lisa and every mod here. Perhaps...everything that i am experiencing here at the forum are important stages of healing. Today, i don't suffer those painful pangs of heartbreak. I am able to view the disordered one without filters. The Truth..and the acceptance I received at the forum..where nobody said I was what turned around perspectives. nowadays I don't feel unwanted by the world at large..I am seeing happiness in the world at large. The only person who makes me feel like a heel is the nh. and gradually i am understanding that he is Disordered. and the problem isn't with me..but with him. Thanks Goldie. Love
Nov 13 - 7PM
greengirl91's picture

It takes a Lot to grasp and

It takes a Lot to grasp and accept this, but it`s the truth. I know some characters who would badly need t hear thse words, but I tried to tell them before, and I was discarded and labelled as crazy, lol. So I stopped the "rescue" missions. God knows we all wanted to be real, more than anyone. But it never was, and it will never be. Thank you for this post!
Nov 13 - 3PM
newtothis's picture

thank you Goldie

I love the nuggets of truth you share! They are like healing balm to my N wound.
Nov 13 - 3PM
newtothis's picture

thank you Goldie

I love the nuggets of truth you share! They are like healing balm to my N wound.
Nov 13 - 3PM
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Well put

I see all of this now. It used to hurt. Now I find it comforting.
Nov 13 - 11AM
Gravity's picture


Thank you, I needed this today. Sad that when they meet people they assess them for what "purpose" they will serve. "Suppose you are insecure regarding your parenting skills, or an aspect of your looks, are jealous of OW, then this is where they will hit hardest in the honeymoon stage as well as the D&D." During the honeymoon phase we worked with children and he KNEW how much I cared about them and the job. He constantly told me that I wasn't doing a good job and that I was going to get fired. It really ruined me for a while and made me look to him for validation that I was doing a good job. At the D&D he made me feel like I was NOTHING to him.. that I was the abuser.. that I was crazy.. that I had stressed him out so much I put him in the hospital and that I wasn't "understanding or compassionate" which are the two things he KNOWS that I am. I remember once we were spending time together and he said something jokingly and I smiled and I was like "I hate you!" in a totally joking manner, being flirtatious. He looked at me and was like why are you always saying "I hate you when you don't mean it? Look at when I say it to you" and he had the sternest look on his face and he flatly said "" and he was like "do you believe me when I say it?" The look in his eyes told me that he did mean it. He meant it all along. He's always hated me and been jealous of me and wanted to bring me down. He's always needed a scapegoat.. that was my purpose for a while until I no longer believed any of the bullshit he told me. Did the whole "i'll fire you before you fire me" crap. I was replaceable to him all along.. he had other girls the whole time, was definitely calling/texting/seeing them before and after he saw me. The D&D didn't affect him in the least. Thank God he left me the eff alone.. when he comes around again I will NOT not not NOT be there. Thanks for all of your continued support :) *hugs* xoxoxoxo
Nov 13 - 10AM
Amazed's picture

AMEN Goldie!!!

AMEN. This is the Narc/P To a 't' are awesome,,thank you for being the strong, arciulate, bold, and courageous Goldie that you know it, and in the knowledge protected and helping protect others..we need continual help sometimes!! : ) Thank you for sharing such an amazing post.
Nov 13 - 7PM (Reply to #1)
enough for me
enough for me's picture

this is another big

this is another big OUCH...seem to be getting alot of these lol