Sex with a Narcissist

I have heard it said on here many many times that SEX with the PD was the best SEX ever. I have often asked myself, what does this mean? The most erotic, the most rageful, the most varied positions, the most frequency, the most intensity, what? What is so GREAT about it.

SEX with a PD is NOT LOVE, that is for sure. They do not love, they take hostages, victims, they aim for control. How can this be so great?

They often lie, cheat, steal, degrade, belittle, insult, use, control, manipulate. So what is so great about being in bed with someone who treats you like garbage?

Do we think so little of ourselves and has our society so lowered the bar on what intimacy, love, and caring are that we mistake erotic using as LOVE?

How is it that one man can be gentle, loving, caring, and yes perhaps boring and he is the shitty lover and another can be forceful, crude, even hurtful and because it feels more powerful, this is LOVE? How and when did everything get turned backwards? Is it our society? The media? Is it our sense of self where we need continuous highs and drama in order to feel the LOVE?

I have heard countless times that the sex with the old BF or husband was either non existance or boring, so does this justify selling your soul to the devil for a few moments of erotic nasty "pleasure?"

Can it truly be LOVE when he is also screwing OW? When he D&D's you somewhere down the road? How does sex translate into love when the rest of the relationship is all about lie's and how can it be so darn good when you are sharing yourself with someone whom you cannot trust? Where exactly is the LOVE in all of this?

Just some more food for thought. Would love to hear your thoughts and feelings on this subject.

God bless,

Jul 6 - 11PM
Quixotic's picture

Ugh...not even good sex

Jul 6 - 10PM
adrienne1125's picture

amazing mind blowing

Jul 3 - 6AM
SECM1968's picture

I THOUGHT the sex was amazing....

Jul 1 - 3AM
boubou29's picture

Too good to be true...

Jul 1 - 3AM
boubou29's picture

Too good to be true...

Mar 22 - 3PM
Portia's picture

The sex was a mirage, too

Apr 3 - 10AM (Reply to #25)
Goldie's picture

Portia, "The Sex was a Mirage Too." Goldie's Blog

Dec 29 - 12AM
MaryEm's picture

Thank God for this post and all comments...

Because I thought it was just me! I was lucky if my ex N was able to make it 10 seconds before ejaculating. Once he came in his pants when we were simply making out on my couch (that was in the beginning when he would actually kiss me). The further we got into the relationship, the less he wanted to kiss, touch or have sex. For awhile he said he wanted to stop having sex altogether because it felt too "animalistic" (??) As someone else commented about their ex, mine also hated to be naked. HATED IT. Once we finished, he would jump up, but on his clothes and say something negative or odd such as, "God, your room is a mess" or "I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack." I asked him once if he wanted to take a shower with me and he smugly replied, "Nah, I'm not a shower-with-a-girl kind of guy"... whatever that means. Another time when we were on vacation, I awoke one morning to a wet dream (maybe because I wasn't satisfied??) And I told him about it later that day. He looked at me like I was sick and said, "Are you serious? That hasn't happened to me since junior high." A week later back home I walked into the bathroom upon waking up and his underwear was in the middle of the floor. I walked back to bed and he announced HE had a wet dream in the middle of the night and had to get up and change. Realllly? Strange. I think these guys are highly threatened by healthy sexuality in a woman.
Dec 18 - 1PM
birdgirl's picture

My covert narcissist husband.

The sex with my N husband has always been mediocre to terrible. He seems to have an infantile sexuality. (Not sure what that is, but that's the phrase that comes to mind.) Like other women have mentioned, he seems to be terrified of any real passion or desire on my part. Actual penetration has lasted a maximum of ten to fifteen seconds every time. He accuses me of "getting him too turned on" even when it's come to the point of me resorting to not moving or even making eye contact during sex. I think he'd be happier with a blow up doll. He has on occasion, ejaculated in his pants when I've come up to him, looked him in the eyes in a horny way, and put my hand on his stomach. I no longer feel any desire for him, so this hasn't happened in a long time. I'm assuming he's having sex with other women now. I don't really care. No sex at all is better than sex with him.
Dec 22 - 7AM (Reply to #22)
Goldie's picture

Birdgirl are you sure you are not talking about my X?

Infantile is the word I would also use. He seemed like it was all foreign to him and he even used childish terms to describe our body parts, it was creepy. It was devoid of passion, excitement, and he took was quick on the draw. He pretended to be passionate in the honeymoon/lure stage and then shortly thereafter it was dullsville. Initially I thought it must be me, and then I said to myself, this is NOT ME. I have never encountered this before. This is HIM, he has sexual arrested develpment. My guess is that he was most likely sexually abused as a child and was stuck in that time period. They have massive damage inside of them and this is just another area where they are extreme. Either infantile or like a raging crazed sex addict. They don't seem to know moderation. God bless, Goldie
Dec 18 - 11AM
missym's picture

Never great

Was married for 16 years and before married, he played the same deal....almost ridiculously shy about initiating...but with a twist - If I initiated, he would get mad and reject it. He HAD to be the one...and it was not that often - even in the early days. And....whats more....started this habit that stuck for years...he would masturbate (or better yet) I'd do it for him. This was our pattern for years until I said NO MORE. That is when our sex dwindled off seriously. If he ever was inside me, he could not CUM - can count on my hands how many times in 18 years he came inside me....always he or me had to finish him off. Thank god he did once, resulting in my daughter. When we did have sex, it was not "bad"...but it was ALWAYS the same, NEVER told me he loved me or that I was beautiful, we NEVER had make up sex, if I EVER suggested or made moves to do something different, he would literally push me down and get visibly and physically "annoyed"....If I god forbid tried to be sexy in a way "outside" his comfort zone, he got mad. I was not able to express myself sexually. Am sure he beat off all the time, caught him many times with porn, but eventually, I fucking gave up and knew he had this ongoing man-child sexuality that I outgrew within months of being with him. Sick fucks.
Oct 15 - 10PM (Reply to #20)
scarlson1063's picture


Dec 17 - 12AM
Im_always_fine's picture

I had such an epiphany the

I had such an epiphany the other day. I had read a comment,"We had sex but we didn't make love" Something about sex with the NARC was "off". It was as if he was uncomfortable and acting. I even complained to a friend that it was like he faked orgasm...always OVERACTING. My concern was that "he cums like a girl" He shivers..he wimpers...he shudders...he wilts in your arms. He just didn't climax like any man I've ever been with. I came to DREAD the big finally...always sooooo COLD and hollow despite his over the top oh-ing and ah-ing. Such a cold creepy shower. The epiphany was that he has been MIRRORING! He doesn't KNOW how to let go like a man so he HAS been faking it. Not the ejaculation part but REST OF IT! He has been imitating the women he slept with because he doesn't have an emotional point of reference of his own! Mechanical, repetitive, empty, boring, hollow, and ridiculous fake orgasms. Yeh...I could complain too buddy.... Sharon Stone said," Women may fake orgasms but men fake entire relationships." Some men fake orgasms too.
Dec 5 - 10PM
Jannie In the Sun
Jannie In the Sun's picture

Sex and violent affection from a Narcissistic Caveman

Good sex in the beginning is the Modus Operandi, 'how to', of my ex Narc. I loved him and I know that sex is sex and love is love but when the two seem so real and they are part of a merger fantasy that he created and I believed, it seemed to be so special. After getting honest and discovering many truths about his narc behavior, his slut behavior, his d & d to many women, it felt like soul rape for a long time, a violent affection, a violation of my ideas of intimacy, love and trust. Idealization phase - sex was magic, he was attentive, he was seemingly present and it felt like making love. 20 minute kisses, foreplay, hot tubs, massage. He said he loved me, he was gentle and there seemed to be a bond. Devaluation phase - I was making love while he was seemingly performing a bodily function. Only able to 'get off' from behind. Sex only at bed time when I was sooo tired. Sex became secondary to his megalomaniac needs. Once I was reeled in it became more ritualized. I think it was his power trip - grandiosity. Discarded - not until I found out that there were many many women who he 'fell in love with' seduced, invented a merger fantasy relationship and used until he needed a new 'fix'. My values have changed since this relationship. I am pretty sure the only time he 'makes love' to anyone is when he masturbates in front of the mirror over how great he thinks he is. Sad and sick what he does to women. I have worked hard to get real about real love - an action - and my personal values regarding sex and intimacy. Sex was part of his hoover and I wanted it - just not from a Narc. Won't happen again.
Dec 5 - 9AM
Hermes's picture

Yes, Goldie. Great post!

You say: "How is it that one man can be gentle, loving, caring, and yes perhaps boring and he is the shitty lover and another can be forceful, crude, even hurtful and because it feels more powerful, this is LOVE? How and when did everything get turned backwards? Is it our society? The media? Is it our sense of self where we need continuous highs and drama in order to feel the LOVE?" Perhaps ole Freud had a point when he asked: "What do women want"? Women are often their own worst enemies, that's what. Many, not all, are drawn to the "bad boy". They think a "bit of rough" is where it's at. Some are hooked on the drama-rama, can't live without it, are unable to live a contented normal life. . Brawling, followed by rough "make it up" sex afterwards, that's their idea of a good life.. You say: " So what is so great about being in bed with someone who treats you like garbage?" Absolutely! I note what you say re the media etc. Yes, there are some, many, unfortunately, who think what is on screen, (soaps, silly movies, pulp magazines) is the real deal. I have read where NPD-abused women lamented that "they'd never find anyone like the N, who made them feel like the N did". Other (good) men were "boring". I wish you would put that post up on the forum Goldie. Best wishes Hermes
Dec 4 - 9PM
Gravity's picture

Sex with the PD

I originally thought sex with the ex-psycho was so good because it was "passionate." Now I understand that the passion and intensity stemmed from the fact that he got off knowing he was playing me and various other women. The sex also got progressively more degrading and deviated. It got to the point that he was treating me SO badly, that I almost had to convince myself that I enjoyed it and that it was "the best sex ever" so that I wouldn't experience my true feelings which were too difficult to come to terms with. In reality he made me feel HORRIBLE, used, and shameful. Sex is supposed to be an expression of love, not hate or power.
Dec 3 - 4PM
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture

OMGosh, Goldie, I think you

OMGosh, Goldie, I think you wrote this for ME! Everything you have said are things that I have said myself. Sex with the husband was boring. Narc sex was unpredictable & exciting. Exactly how, I can't really figure out. Maybe because he was so random and non-predictable. But love, doubtful. Lies, yes. Trust, no. So, I guess you are right in that it makes no sense whatsoever.
Dec 3 - 5PM
Im_always_fine's picture

The sex started out pretty

The sex started out pretty good but I discovered that I always had to initiate. He seemed to have a pubescent type of a boy afraid to touch a girl for the first time. Which is CREEPY at his age. I'm pretty sexual and open within the context of relationship.I think that anything goes between 2 consenting adults. So I was confused when he started accusing me of being frigid and of "just laying there" ....??????....I KNEW it wasn't true. I couldn't figure what he was talking about. I became a little self conscious wondering what it could possibly be that I WASN'T doing. I remember one night I'd laid out some lingerie and heels. I had some plans that didn't include watching TV. Inexplicably he erupted into a tirade about how women always LIE...they are liars...they all SAY they wear lingerie and then they DON'T. He complained bitterly about how ALL the women he's ever known have done this to him. I was completely taken a back. Now what? If I wear the lingerie..he'll say I just did it because of what he said. And if I don't wear it...I'll be a liar like all the rest. I didn't like him very much at that point. And opted for watching TV. He doesn't go near me. He doesn't approach me because he CLAIMS I reject him. Then complains to other women that I deny him (I've read the e mails and messages)Yet he starts up with them (usually married and sorry to say...horribly unkempt)I asked him once,"WHY oh WHY do you go with women like that?" (beer swilling, trailer dwelling, Dorito gobbing, toothless with 4 kids by 4 dads types) He said,"To be honest...because they aren't work...they're easy...they want it" I think that it's because he's dead ringer for Alan Jackson but with a full head of blonde hair and 6'2". These women IDOLIZE him. WORSHIP him. Cry for him. Beg for him. He has referred to himself as a "blonde Adonis." Their pining for him confirms it. Honestly..the sex went down boring...because he got boring. Besides he's been getting enough for the 2 of us. The kind that he doesn't have to try at. fact I just had an epiphany. He has related many stories to me about being roofied. Taken advantage of...or tricked and even forced into sex...maybe that's his trip...he wants to be violated by some ravenous woman so he is therefore innocent...and what? A victim!
Dec 8 - 7AM (Reply to #13)
Joyless's picture

I have found I also had to

I have found I also had to initiate sex, or any kind of intimacy actually. He acts like you said, a little boy that thinks maybe he shouldn't touch a girl. He hasn't touched me in 4 years. Other than a kiss in the morning. I can't seem to initiate anything with this man, when he D&D's me, or gives me the old silent treatment.....just don't think he values me enough to be intimate. Don't think he is having an affair....however, I think he fantisizes about it.
Dec 2 - 7PM
bumblebee's picture


Sex with my exN was great for me. And there are two reasons I think this was true. 1) He focused on ensuring I was satisfied. 2) He was very respectful in bed, but because he was so disrespectful towards me everywhere BUT the bedroom, there was a dynamic around power and control that was underlying everything. Like, he could have had me at any time (and probably almost anywhere) - he knew it, I knew it, but he was always responsible and tasteful in that area so I knew and trusted he would never test that line inappropriately. I think that's the best way I can describe it.
Dec 2 - 7PM
Hunter's picture

I'll second that!! Hunter

I'll second that!! Hunter
Dec 2 - 8PM (Reply to #10)
freaked's picture

Love is consensus ad idem..unlike sex with a narc

Truth being I did not have a comparative thought that maybe this was how it was perhaps meant to be.. colourless. NO rainbow, no nothing. He could have may as well married a cow. ..yes I felt used, degraded...and every negative you can think of... yet..i was available for Hyde. Because, after a certain point there was a subliminal message flung on me like if you want this food and shelter, your body better be available for me. this went on for over a decade. and finally, my Soul revolted..and bade me Enough is Enough..and here I am..drifting alone in the Universe without a man of my own... certainly the xxx had zero nuance of Love. Love being something so different...Love is a meeting of the Minds.. a consensus ad idem.
Dec 2 - 7PM
Susan32's picture

Not worth a one night stand

In my junior year, I once told some friends that I was neither drunk nor desperate enough to have sex with the ex-Psych prof. By then, he had packed on the pounds, he had crows' feet, and he never did get his teeth cleaned... they were in such a state of decay they were horrifying. I'd also joke that the ex-P was UNWORTHY of a one night stand, yes, even one that was no-strings-attached without emotional investment. It wouldn't have even been fun. The ex-P expected me to lower myself to have sex with his fat, drunk, decaying-toothed self. I consider sex sacred&precious, not something to be wasted on someone. I told the ex-P I loved him, and really meant it. I treated him with love&respect. I was still D&D'd cruelly. However, I'm glad I had the strength to NOT have sex with him.... but he kinda made it easy by making himself physically repulsive. He was cheating on me with Little Debbie and the Hostess. My friends would joke that the ex-P was fattening himself due to "too many Fluffer Nutters and Dunkin' Donuts" (he was from Massachusetts) And, having been to Boston to visit family... yes, those are indeed fatal to the waistline if there are too many. A diet of Fluffer Nutters and Dunkin' Donuts is a total turn-off.
Dec 2 - 7PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


Sex with him was the worst. I felt sorry for him. The thing is I'm not sure he realized how bad he was.
Dec 3 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
ReclaimingPower's picture


The sex was so bad it was like a train wreck. I thought it had just been too long for him and he was working through a lot of negative emotions. Rushed, painful and quick - no foreplay, tenderness or emotion and afterwards he would jump up like the place was on fire and get dressed quickly. We didn't go anywhere but he had to be dressed. He didn't like to be naked. It was the most bizarre thing but if you don't love yourself, I suppose that is probably the most vulnerable state to be in. Don't miss sex with him at all; as a matter of fact, I'm not quite sure what exactly I do miss about him or why (hence the mystery)...and I have a feeling the more I learn, it really has nothing to do with him.
Dec 2 - 7PM (Reply to #1)
Redhead's picture


Yeah - mine was bad too. I faked every orgasm to spare his feelings.
Dec 2 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
freaked's picture

me too

every single one after the first deflowerment of me on day1 of the marriage.. had to be faked...i really could sense that I was an Object...even though i had nil experience ..and there was nobody to benchmark the act with
Dec 3 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
nomoredenial's picture

I got ripped off

It wasnt anything
Dec 12 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
13Moons13's picture

The EXN and I had great sex

The EXN and I had great sex and often. That's one of the things I miss the most. But I did see that he began to try to devalue me sometimes, but I wouldn't let him. I actually said to him, "too bad it won't stay hard." (even though it the crap out of him) And said I faked every orgasm cuz he was terrible in bed (even though I didn't and he wasn't). I played his game for a long time. I saw what was happening..fought back fact I think I did exactly to him what he did to me..but, in the end it didn't really matter. Kinda makes me laugh a little though...remembering that. :-)
Dec 19 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
Narcbuster's picture


Well the saying "once you go black"......hmmm not quite what I thought. It started out good, especially in a long distance relationship but the more we saw each other it would only be at a certain time, same position, he never, ever looked at me, seemed to be afraid to touch my breasts, hardly any foreplay, was intimidated by vibrators????.....the strange thing about it was when we first met I found all sorts of paddles, sex swings, dirty pictures, videos he had taken of women, by the time we married were having sex less and less and he was watching porn all the time. He told me because I had money (which I gave him alot of) it was a big turn off and he didn't find me sexually attractive and it made him feel like less of a man! what a pig....I guess I was now the Madonna and he was ready to go back to his whores so I threw him out! Funny how all the pain in my neck (literally) is gone!