Narcissist Recovery Blog

The Delusional Narcissist

Interesting article points out: The narcissist consciously chooses to adopt one version of events, an aggrandizing narrative, a fairy-tale existence, a "what-if" counterfactual life. He is emotionally invested in his personal myth. The narcissist feels better as fiction than as fact - but he never loses sight of the fact that it is all just fiction.

Psychosis & Delusions

The Narcissist's Tools

The narcissist uses five main tools. These are gifts, affection, withdrawal, threats and violence, and in exactly this order.

1. Gifts: Gifts can be used in two ways. They can either be a symbol of submission or a symbol of demand. Free people generally do not give gifts because they have what they want and do not want to submit nor demand. The communication between the victim and the narcissist is based upon gifts. The narcissist gives gifts in order to make the victim depended. The victim in return accepts these gifts and returns far greater gifts in order to accept this submission.

The altruist on the other hand simply helps but does not give gifts either. Sometimes these 'gifts' can be flattery, good words, support and yes; 'love'. (faked of course)

For those of you who think your narcissist is happy now......

Many scholars consider pathological narcissism to be a form of depressive illness. This is the position of the authoritative magazine “Psychology Today”. The life of the typical narcissist is, indeed, punctuated with recurrent bouts of dysphoria (ubiquitous sadness and hopelessness), anhedonia (loss of the ability to feel pleasure), and clinical forms of depression (cyclothymic, dysthymic, or other). This picture is further obfuscated by the frequent presence of mood disorders, such as Bipolar I (co-morbidity).

While the distinction between reactive (exogenous) and endogenous depression is obsolete, it is still useful in the context of narcissism. Narcissists react with depression not only to life crises but to fluctuations in Narcissistic Supply.

Why the Narcissist Cannot Love

The easiest way to think about it is this : Narcissists are stuck at age five.

 One of the most well-known theories in psychology is Sigmund Freud's theory that as children, we pass through different psychosexual stages. According to Freud, if a child is deprived or over-indulged in any of these stages, it results in what he calls "fixation." Fixation describes an adult who is stuck or attached to an earlier childhood mode of satisfaction.

They All Wear a Mask

They all wear a mask. The mask of kindness. The mask of generosity. The mask of romance. The mask of attraction. The mask of intimacy. The mask of seduction. And so on.

This is what reels us in. The pretense. The acting. The mask. The mask of perfection. And we, in our infinite loving goodness, reflect that mask back to them. The perfect mirrored reflection of beauty and adoration.

And then one day, that mask cracks. You remember the moment.. The moment when you look in their eyes and you KNOW the truth about them. The moment you recognize the pathological lies, the deception, the manipulation, the con. The game is up.

Just Keep Dancing

Wow, I truly believe we meet people in life for a reason and I met an amazing woman today at the Printer's Row Lit Fest. Her table was right next to mine under the Illinois Women's Press Association (IWPA) booth. Her name is Susan Brauer. She was abused for twenty years. Her ex-husband had her convinced that she couldn't work so she would be dependent on him. She finally broke free, went back to school and now has her Master's in Engineering. She truly is an inspiration and I KNOW I met her for a reason.

Chicago Literary Festival - Printer's Row Book Fair - Today and Tomorrow!

I will have a table this weekend at the Printer's Row Lit Fest. If you're local and at the fest, please stop by to see me. I will be under the Illinois Women's Press Association (IWPA) booth along with other local Chicago authors on the corner of Dearborn and Polk. Would love to see you!

10am to 6pm
June 12th and 13th

I'm giving out flyers with the address of our messageboard. I hope to reach hundreds of women today and tomorrow. Look for newcomers on our site and please welcome them!

Spinning Straw into Gold

I opened up "Simple Abundance" tonight - a book my Mom gave me over ten years ago. Anyone have it? It's by Saran Ban Breathnach. It's a wonderful book. Tonight, I opened it up to the following passage. No joke.


Spinning Straw Into Gold

"Stories are medicine....They have such power; they do not require that we do, be, act anything - we need only listen. The remedies for repair or reclamation of any lost psychic drive are contained in stories." ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Why Retraining the Brain is Important

A friend of mine ended a relationship with a man she loves because of her fear that he was about to reject her. It turns out, he wasn't going to reject her at all. He loves her very much, but now he is hurt that she broke up with him and is hesitant to take her back for fear that she will end things again and hurt him.

I have done this type of thing before and can tell you this self-destructive behavior will get us absolutely nowhere. We must understand this behavior is an automatic reflex/reaction based on experiences we have had in our past. Because of pain from our past, we react this way in an attempt to avoid being hurt. Unfortunately, in the end we not only hurt our partner, but we hurt ourselves. We have sabotaged the relationship.

Why He Keeps Coming Back

"The narcissist I was involved with had me change my entire life for him then called me and in a 5 minute telephone conversation told me he changed his mind and he was not going to be with me. He said it as casually as if he decided to have chicken for dinner instead of steak. Then he proceeded to f with my mind for another 3 years." ~Foolmeonce

Why? Why does the narcissist keep coming back? Why can't he leave us alone? It's important to understand that a narcissist has no inner-sense of self. He disconnected from himself a long time ago. Because he has no sense of self, he must be validated by others in order to feel alive. Without outside validation, he feels dead inside.

The Path Forward

Happydaysahead - I hope you saw the thread from this Fall that I just re-posted in response to your question on what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is and how it works. CBT is one of the most effective forms of treatment, in my opinion. Why? Because it's based on the most recent advances in science and technology that now show us our brains are much more plastic (changeable) than we ever thought. The reason this is important is because it means we can retrain our brains.

It took me many years of suffering before I finally tried Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. When I did, it changed my life. Was it difficult? Yes, I was shaking and cried the first time I did it. Was it worth it? Absolutely!