Narcissist Recovery Blog


It is not easy to face the reality of our relationship with our significant other. We may waste time shifting blame or try to tell ourseleves things aren't that bad. This is understandable. I know I lied to myself for years before getting honest. Let's talk about what prevents us from getting real...


Let's talk about fear. Whatever we fear controls us. Fear, if not confronted, prevents us from truly living. Fear is like a prison.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Why a Narcissist Prefers to be Admired by Many than Loved by One

Narcissists may hope for love and caring, but feel very uncomfortable if they seem to find it. Being in love makes them feel vulnerable and this terrifies them. They doubt the authenticity of real love and devalue anyone who loves them because they believe that person, like themselves, can never live up to their expectations of perfection.

Narcissists cannot grasp the concept of unconditional love that includes the acceptance of flaws. Love does not sustain them. Instead it feels unsafe. Admiration feels safer because it can be earned through achievements and credentials. Since these are things the narcissist can control, they feel much safer being admired, rather than loved.

The "Crazy-Making" Behavior of a Narcissist

The emotional abuse that occurs in a relationship with a narcissist is merciless and relentless. Narcissists brainwash their victims. They use several different methods of coercion in order to obtain control over their significant other. They threaten, degrade, shift blame, criticize, manipulate, verbally assault, dominate, blackmail, withdraw, withhold love and affection and gaslight their victims.

The Present is a Gift

By learning from the moments in life, we become more compassionate and can aspire to live in the present. We can relax and open our heart and mind to what is right in front of us in the moment. We see, feel and experience everything more vividly. This is living. Now is the time to experience enlightenment. Not some time in the future. Keep in mind, how we relate to the now creates the future.

Losing Narcissistic Friends

Yes, it's completely normal and healthy to start losing friends once you wake up and realize what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Once we begin to understand narcissism, we see that not only do we attract narcissistic romantic partners, but friends as well. I have lost more than one friend this past year.

As a result, I've started asking myself why I'm so drawn to these personality types and would like to understand why they’re drawn to me. The first part of this question is a no-brainer. It’s easy to fall for a narcissist. They are very charming, witty and often the life of the party. To spend time with them is intoxicating and exciting. There’s never a dull moment.

Why Gender Roles Lead to Higher Rates of Depression in Women than Men

Women are raised to be gentle, loving and kind to others. As little girls, our parents teach us to feel empathy for and nurture others. We play with dolls. Boys are taught to compete with other boys, to be dominant and independent. Boys play with guns.

The way I look at it is simple: Girls play house and boys play war.

As a result, many women get their self-worth out of the role they play as wife, mother and caretaker to others. Many men get their self-worth out of their work life and their career status. We may not stop to think about this much, but I think it’s worth noting.

The Power of Anger

As we've discussed, we must process and validate our feelings before we can move on. Repressing our feelings has been shown to negatively affect our physical and emotional health.

We know that stress chemicals are released through emotional tears. Therefore, we should never be afraid to feel sad or cry.

We also should never be afraid to feel angry. Unfortunately, many of us were taught to repress anger, especially women. Anger has a negative connotation because most people associate it with aggression. But in reality, anger is followed by violence only 10 percent of the time, according to Howard Kassinove, PH.D., co-author of Anger Management: The Compete Treatment Guide for Practice.

The Importance of Feeling

We must allow ourselves to feel. Often times, when in the midst of a breakup or divorce, we do not take the time to feel our feelings. That’s because when you experience trauma, you are often in survival mode. You’re trying to keep it together for your children and/or other family members. All your energy is focused on getting through the transition. It’s natural not to grieve while in survival mode. It's all a process. That is why it is so important to work the steps of relationship recovery to ensure you deal with your feelings now instead of being forced to deal with them in the future when you are not prepared.

"What I Will Not Forget" about my relationship with my Narcissist

As humans, we have what is called "Selective Memory," which our mind uses as a way to protect us.

Good memories are vividly clear and much more readily available for recall in our memory than bad memories. As mentioned earlier, bad memories are fragmented, stored in a different part of the brain and not as easily accessible. We tend to obsess about bad memories more because they are unresolved and scattered. They pop into our heads more frequently when we have not sorted out the chaos or made any kind of effort to understand what happened.

Step 2 - Get it Out - Why this step is so important to our healing

Research tells us the main reason for the stress of psychological trauma is that our memories of these horrible events are fragmented. Psychologically traumatic events are ones that have no good explanation. You have painful facts that make no sense, right? This is what mental health professionals call Cognitive Dissonance.

Why We Must Write About Our Experience of Trying to Love a Narcissist

Here's why it's so important to write about what you're experiencing:

Today we now have proof that writing is therapeutic. James Pennebaker, PhD., a psychologist and researcher, has conducted studies that show improvement in immune system functioning and emotional well-being when research participants write about difficult or traumatic events in their lives.

As Linda DeSalvo points out in her book, “Writing as a Way of Healing,“ many writers, like Virginia Woolf and Henry Miller describe their work as a form of analysis or therapy. Before treatment was available, many writers used their work in this way.

DeSalvo describes the therapeutic process of writing like this:

Why the Narcissist will Never Change

Narcissism is a personality disorder and it is important to understand what this means. People with personality disorders are rigid and unaware that their thoughts and behavior patterns are inappropriate.

Research indicates they are rarely the ones who come in for treatment. Instead, the spouse, significant other, children, and parents of the personality disordered are the ones who suffer and seek therapy. PDIs rarely seek treatment.