Narcissist Recovery Blog

Being in love with a narcissist is a confusing state of affairs, to say the
least. In the beginning, a narcissist makes you feel incredibly loved and
valued. He appears to be head-over-heels in love with you and worships
the ground you walk on. He writes you poetry, takes you out for romantic
dinners, and finds all your little quirks endearing and adorable.

Once a narcissist feels he has obtained control of you (through mar-
riage or moving in together), you will see a completely different side of
him that you never knew existed. Narcissists have often been described as
having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Once in control, a narcis-
sist becomes demeaning and cruel.

Narcissists are oblivious to others and how their behavior affects

One thing I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the importance of facing fear. Exposure Response Prevention literally showed me that by facing our fear, we can grow and awaken into a higher form of consciousness. Too often, we run from fear, we stuff it, we numb it, we avoid it.

Buddhism, which I have been studying recently, teaches us the importance of facing our fear and allowing ourselves to feel our fear and pain. You've heard the expression, "the only way through it is through it," right? Until the last few years of my life, I never understood what that meant. The article below does a great job of explaining this so I thought I'd share it with you.

The narcissist uses five main tools. These are gifts, affection, withdrawal, threats and violence, and in exactly this order.

1. Gifts: Gifts can be used in two ways. They can either be a symbol of submission or a symbol of demand. Free people generally do not give gifts because they have what they want and do not want to submit nor demand. The communication between the victim and the narcissist is based upon gifts. The narcissist gives gifts in order to make the victim depended. The victim in return accepts these gifts and returns far greater gifts in order to accept this submission.

The altruist on the other hand simply helps but does not give gifts either. Sometimes these 'gifts' can be flattery, good words, support and yes; 'love'. (faked of course)

The easiest way to think about it is this : Narcissists are stuck at age five.

 One of the most well-known theories in psychology is Sigmund Freud's theory that as children, we pass through different psychosexual stages. According to Freud, if a child is deprived or over-indulged in any of these stages, it results in what he calls "fixation." Fixation describes an adult who is stuck or attached to an earlier childhood mode of satisfaction.

Wow, I truly believe we meet people in life for a reason and I met an amazing woman today at the Printer's Row Lit Fest. Her table was right next to mine under the Illinois Women's Press Association (IWPA) booth. Her name is Susan Brauer. She was abused for twenty years. Her ex-husband had her convinced that she couldn't work so she would be dependent on him. She finally broke free, went back to school and now has her Master's in Engineering. She truly is an inspiration and I KNOW I met her for a reason.