Narcissist Recovery Blog

Blog Talk Radio Show Tonight on Narcissism

Melanie Tonia Evans and I will discuss the importance of bringing your focus back to yourself in order to disconnect from the 'pulls' of the narcissist. Why do we feel so energetically enmeshed? What is the phenomena that is taking place? How can we 'cut the chords' and change our vibration so that it is no longer a match for the narcissist?

Tonight, July 12th
10:00 p.m. CST
Call-in number
(347) 989-1262

Seven Reasons Why Your Break-up is Killing You

Time heals all wounds. At least, that’s what they tell you when you mention that you’ve been dumped recently (along with giving you that look).

But, does time really heal the wound that’s been brought to you by a break up or divorce?

I think that this is a common misunderstanding. Time would not heal anything if it didn’t force you to go through a certain process.

Time is the medium, the healing is done by you.

Time does heal to a certain degree, but the wounds are not healed effectively, let alone completely, if you don’t contribute anything to the healing process yourself.

Time makes you forget, but your problems are still there. Hidden, but present.

Conscious Healing

The Hidden Benefits of Struggle

Strength grows out of struggle. Moses was not born with a silver spoon. He was born to slaves and fortunate to be raised in the kings' palace. He never knew what it meant to face adversity. He had everything he needed as an adopted son of the kings' daughter.

Things changed for the worst when he attempted to fight for the right of his brethren. He killed to achieve that. He fled to exile when it occured to him that people knew about the murder.

Fleeing from the palace where he had security and good things of life exposed him to the other side of life. He struggled to survive and took up a job as a shepherd. You imagine how difficult it is to suddenly become a sheep keeper from the status of a kings' son.

The Healing Power of Exercise

Great post, NinjaGirl. I cannot speak highly enough about the healing power of exercise!

I have become addicted to the endorphin rush of working out. Without it, I get crabby.

Working out while in recovery is hard to do because it is the last thing you feel like doing. However, I have found certain exercise can help you channel your anger. Kickboxing is a great exercise for this purpose. My kickboxing instructor used to say:

"I love watching Lisa kickbox because it's so obvious she has a very specific target in mind when she is kicking and punching."

And he was right. I did! I was getting over my EXN and to picture him as a target when I hit helped incredibly with my anger.

Happy Independence Day!

As we approach the holiday weekend here in the states, I realize how grateful I am for the independence and freedom of speech we enjoy here.

I believe all members of our forum here enjoy such freedom in their respective countries. Therefore, I thought it a good time to recognize the importance of such freedom.

Having freedom puts us in a unique position to give voice to a cause. In this case, building awareness on narcissism. There are many women in the world today who would be killed if they spoke up about any kind of injustice.

I learned recently that one of my ancestors was about to be tried in the Salem Witch trials, but died before she could be heard.

Narc Realities - Supply Economics by Baddream

More great member advice! This one is from Baddream:

I have spent hours and days reading some of the posts on the Psych forum, especially some of the very frank replies by the narcissists. It has taken me all these hours and all these years to really, truly fully understand what motivates them, every day, every hour, every second of their life.

With this understanding also comes the realization that there is absolutely nothing that I could ever do to make him change. Many of us continue to hope perhaps he will someday realize what he has lost, get help, change his ways, and come back to us as the man we first met once upon a time.

Best Member Advice of the Day

"The Abuser and Abusee"
June 29, 2010
by James

“Abusers like to bring you down to their level”

“You may find yourself becoming abusive in retaliation; in this case the abuser can say you are no better than the abuser. Note: Abusers are much better at arguing and winning so going down to their level means that you have lost; this is a variation of one person hitting another until the other eventually hits back.”

I know there is no such word as “abusee” but please allow me to explain.

Best Member Advice of the Day

What is Hoovering?
Posted by Sarahb

The Hoover maneuver is named after the famous vacuum cleaner. In the language of our community, it describes behavior common among [abusers] and those who have borderline traits. It occurs most often when a victim threatens to leave, or actually leaves, a relationship. The intent of the hoover is to get the victim back into the relationship. This behavior has its roots in the intense fear of being alone or being abandoned that is often at the very core of the abuser's sense of self.

The Narcissist's Cycle of Idealization to Devaluation

Being in love with a narcissist is a confusing state of affairs, to say the
least. In the beginning, a narcissist makes you feel incredibly loved and
valued. He appears to be head-over-heels in love with you and worships
the ground you walk on. He writes you poetry, takes you out for romantic
dinners, and finds all your little quirks endearing and adorable.

Once a narcissist feels he has obtained control of you (through mar-
riage or moving in together), you will see a completely different side of
him that you never knew existed. Narcissists have often been described as
having a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality. Once in control, a narcis-
sist becomes demeaning and cruel.

Narcissists are oblivious to others and how their behavior affects

More on Facing our Fears

I'm glad this post resonated with some of you. It's so important not to run from our feelings, but to process them. If we run, hide from them or numb them, they will only come back to haunt us later in life.

The next time you encounter fear, consider yourself lucky. This is where courage comes in. People think brave people feel no fear. The truth is they are intimate with fear.

Fear is a universal experience. It is part of being alive. Something we all share. Fear is a natrual reaction to moving closer to the truth. If we commit ourselves to feeling our emotions and staying right where we are, our experience becomes vivid. Things become very clear when we don't try to escape or run from them. Clarity provides direction.

Facing Our Fears

One thing I learned in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the importance of facing fear. Exposure Response Prevention literally showed me that by facing our fear, we can grow and awaken into a higher form of consciousness. Too often, we run from fear, we stuff it, we numb it, we avoid it.

Buddhism, which I have been studying recently, teaches us the importance of facing our fear and allowing ourselves to feel our fear and pain. You've heard the expression, "the only way through it is through it," right? Until the last few years of my life, I never understood what that meant. The article below does a great job of explaining this so I thought I'd share it with you.