Always Remember WHY the Narcissist Picked Us


I want to bump up this post by Mariline as I believe it is so important we remember why the narcissist chose us. Too often, we are made to feel we should have known better, we were 'stupid', 'naive', 'gullibe' or we were "duped" easily by these narcissistic con-men.

No! We weren't.

I want us all to remember that they targeted us because we are caring, compassionate, intelligent, successful and independent women. We are not weak and naive as some would like to suggest.

Narcissists choose us because they know they can take a lot from us and gain tremendously by being in a relationship with us. These men want to be taken care of and choose only the best and the brightest to take care of them. For this, we should never feel ashamed. Angry, sure, but never ashamed.

Thanks Mariline for this post. It sums it up beautifully and poetically...

"Remember why they chose us."

'They chose us because we were vulnerable'
Okay - we were, but also - because we are sensitive, empathetic and caring people.

'They chose us because we were naive'
Okay, but also because we are strong enough to be able to trust people and to have ethics & values in such a world like this.

They chose us because they are very selfish, and they wanted to give little, they did not have to take care of us-and it is so because we are perfectly capable to take care of ourselves!
We do not need them, only in our minds that they convince us this is so.


..they chose us because we are FULL OF POTENTIAL.
Because we are full and they are void: we are everything they are not, this is why they hate us.

They chose us because we are beautiful, in some way we boosted their egos. We are beautiful, and intelligent, we are something that gave them a sense of superiority.
We are... beautiful people, inside and outside.

Remember why they chose us when you hear their words of smear & despise; there is a proverb in Italy, I am sure you have it the same, it says "the one who despises is the one who buys"

Remember who you are, and remember they knew it in the first place, even if now they pretend you are a big mistake.

Remember who you are."

by Mariline

Oct 23 - 4PM
Russell1331's picture

Contacting him


Jul 3 - 9PM
Susan32's picture

Being his trophy

It was a friend of mine who summed it up at the beginning the best-I had EVERYTHING my ex-P didn't: confidence, intelligence, wisdom, a circle of friends, writing ability, happiness. My ex-P wanted to see me destroyed. He wanted to see me eliminated. If I had killed myself, it would've been his triumph. No wonder he callously paraded his girlfriend in front of me after I declared my love. No wonder he spread a smear campaign that I was "hitting on him" (it's called emotional intimacy,I didn't say anything sexual to him, and he was such a damn coward he didn't bother going to the Dean's office to claim harassment) No wonder he publicly humiliated me. It gave him a high. No wonder he tried to ruin me professionally after I went NC. It gave him that dopamine high. 10 years later, I have friends, a writing career--even my happiness. I'm glad he's out of my life. I'm glad I never dated him. Despite his handsomeness at the time (he was getting ugly with time--over 4 years he gained a double chin and paunch),I thank the good Lord I NEVER had sex with him. I'm glad I didn't marry him. I'm glad I didn't have his babies. It's shameful that a professor would go so far to try to personally destroy one of his students. He went out of his way to emotionally abuse and humiliate me. I caught him in a BIG LIE--and of course he wanted me eliminated/erased. Yeah, I'm alive. I'm happy. That's my revenge.
May 29 - 5PM
rainbow1's picture

But why no one else?!

I understand all of this and I mostly believe it too. The problem that I have is that his other girlfriends had nothing in common with me. I have so much more than any of the other girls had. Most of them did not even have a job and he paid for everything. However, I was the only one that his friends and family said he fell head over heals for and I was the only one that he has moved in with. Maybe I got the worst of it because I was the best of them?

"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 2 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


or you were the one that let him get that far ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 10 - 6PM
seancunningham's picture

We Are All Strong

I love this post. I find myself going back to it daily. For me, it's a validation of's healthy to be open to another person. I said in another post that I was together when I met N. I still am. Although yesterday I had a slight setback. Today is a new day! I'm not going to let it get me down. I'm a fighter! But seriously, I'm still that person that was confident and together. We are ALL the same people. Even though we were all emotionally raped among other things, we need to dig deep down and get that person back that we once were. I was never co-dependent as N said I was. I loved. It was never taken to the extreme or an addiction like he said. That love was twisted and denigrated by a sick individual. I took a risk and allowed myself to let my guard down. That's not a bad thing. I proved I had that capability. I was so happy and care-free. It was fantastic! I want to experience that again with a healthy person. I refuse to allow myself to shut down for one bad experience. Ok, I'll be more cautious in the future. I'm an optimist. I know I'll get it right next time! I'm not ready for it yet but...Love is still grand. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Apr 25 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
hitandrun's picture

I used to believe I was strong...

It's still so recent for me. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it. If I am so frickin' great(which I used to believe), why did he dump me right before we were supposed to move in together and get married? Why the complete erase from existence when I caught him in a HUGE lie about money? There was no other woman then...perhaps there is now. I feel like the woman who married the young med student, supported him through college and residency, and then got dumped once he became successful. Of course, that is just an analogy and I helped birth his business and only lost money on the deposit to the apartment we never moved into(court date is coming). Hoping to get back to some self confidence...I had it once upon a time before I allowed Prince Charming to pull the rug out from under me : )
Apr 30 - 4PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


you caught him you must be erased - and since to them you are an object, this is easy for them to do telling you you were great was part his lure... ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
Apr 10 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
woundedsoul36's picture

Me too Sean...I read it

Me too Sean...I read it frequently. It helps me when I'm feeling humiliated and used. When i'm analyzing every stitch of the last 3 years and questioning myself. I come back and read it. I was never weak. I was never stupid...we were conned. And thank goodness for this forum, because we are not alone. I sit here sometimes thinking about the people sitting there alone at the house feeling lonely, cell phone never out sight, waiting, wondering what the hell is wrong with the person who "loved" them soooo much~that just DON'T KNOW YET. If anything..I'm so happy that I KNOW NOW. We are fabulous.. even a distorted fuck could see how we are special we ARE.. I just have to remember how to convince myself that I can do it. I just have to find that sliver of self respect that I KNOW I STILL HAVE... One day at a time.
Mar 31 - 9PM
angela0714's picture

You are right on target

What you said is so true. They are dependent people who saw an opportunity to enjoy being care about, being taken care of emotionally and financially and often a feather in their cap when their wives/girlfriends are beautiful. Funny, my therapist, who met my N sveral times (when we tried marriage counseling)had basically said the same thing to me. One day when I was feeling so depressed after he left...."Don't you see why he picked you?" Everyone else knows why. You're bright, compassionate, accomplished, you put down the down payment for a new home, and you're beautiful." "You were the trophy wife." I never in a million years thought of it that way. I feel funny even writing this, because I am a pretty humble person. But, boy did it feel good that she said such a nice thing. Then she said, "believe me, everyone else knows it too."