Vain Encounters Blog

Should You Confront a Narcissist About His Narcissism

Barbara — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 16:59:06 -0500

by Beth McHugh

This is a question I am often asked by clients who are dealing with a narcissist in their lives. The answer is: it depends.

As a psychologist, I cannot tell a client what to do, they have to come to a decision about what to do about problems in their lives on their own and be comfortable with those decisions. But what I can do is point out the pros and cons of telling a person suffering from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), and what effects that revelation can have on the client.

Psychopaths in the New Age

Barbara — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:13:50 -0500

At the present time, there is a veritable explosion of reports from readers about their experiences with individuals they have encountered in the "alternative research" fields, as well as in general interactions of their lives. What is so shocking is the number of such individuals that must exist, based on these reports. This is not just an occasional event, it seems to be almost a pandemic!

Narcissistic Behavior

Barbara — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 09:30:57 -0500

by Kathy Krajco

Examples of narcissistic behavior best reveal what is going on in your relationship with a narcissist. I see them as having value in primarily two ways.

First, many people look up "narcissism" on the Web because they have heard something about it that makes them wonder if it explains the peculiar behavior of a certain person in their life. Examples can answer that question for them. Not always, but when an example resonates with their own experience, they see it objectively from the perspective of a disinterested party and view it fairly, lighting up and thinking, "Yeah! Yeah, this guy I know does the same weird thing to me and others every chance he gets!"

Is There Hope for the Narcissist?

Barbara — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 15:32:42 -0500

by Kathy Krajco

The fact that you want to help a narcissist -- to "save" him or her, as it were -- is a manifestation of your good nature and of your true love for the fictional character you thought was a real person.

It takes time for the simple truth that narcissists are predators to sink in. I mean that you can "know" a thing cerebrally and yet not really KNOW it. It hasn't sunk in enough to make you clear out contradictory assumptions and beliefs yet. Frankly, it takes some mental deprogramming.

So, if you have recently realized that someone in your life is a narcissist, it is no wonder that you are still thinking that you can change him or her, that you can get through to them, that you can help them.

Lying to You Makes Narcissists Feel Smart

Barbara — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 18:20:30 -0500

by Kathy Krajco

People make light of things in order to minimize how bad they are. I think I know why narcissists and other pathological liars think lying is funny and means that they are smart and you are stupid.

On my first trip to Europe, first trip to Rome, we hadn't been in Italy five minutes before the first time we got ripped off. When thousands of lira are less than a dollar, a fresh American can easily not notice a couple extra zeroes.

I got so sick of being viewed as prey, that I was in no mood to buy anything from any Italian that day we were resting in St. Peter's Square and a guy approached us with some 35 mm slides of the Vatican to sell us.

And I should have been interested in those photos, because our camera was on the blink.

The Opposite of Love is Not Hatred

Barbara — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 00:35:07 -0500

by Anna Valerious

How incredibly informative it would be if people could truly understand that the opposite of love is not hatred but indifference. It would force them to recognize the pathological relationships they are stuck in that are destroying their lives in some way. Many ACONs struggle for so long with their narcissistic parents because we all have memories of some apparently benevolent acts.

We look for "benevolent" acts in our history with the narcissist as a sign that they must love us "in their own way". We think that if they didn't love us then surely we'd know it because we think we would recognize the opposite of love. We think love's opposite is active hatred. I disagree.

Grieving the Pathological Loss

Barbara — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 00:11:00 -0500

by Sandra M. Brown

Over and over again women are shocked to find out how badly they feel leaving a dangerous/ pathological man is. As horrendous as the relationships has been, as hurt as they have become at his hands, and the emotional/ physical/ financial/ sexual/ spiritual cost it takes to heal… why in the world am I so sad and in so much grief?

PTSD As Trauma Disorder NOT Psychiatric Illness

Barbara — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 07:24:02 -0500

We began talking about 'how' women can level the playing field in court with a pathological. This could be related to a divorce, seperation, restraining order, or child custody. If you have PTSD, the courts are mandated to offer you special accommodations while in court to protect you and to help your level of functioning due to the PTSD.

As we mentioned, in order to do that you must legitimately have PTSD, be diagnosed and have an Accommodations Report prepared by a professional that is presented to The ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act). From there, special accommodations are granted. The range and what the accommodations are were listed in last weeks newsletter.

Enforcing Consequences is Not Revenge!

Barbara — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 23:55:08 -0500

By Rev. Renee

Once again, I am amazed at the creativity of abusers who are trying to weasel out of being accountable for their actions. Here is another excellent question we received in a recent e-mail from a sister who is dealing with abusive parents, and the answer which clarifies this point:

Question: “Whenever I attempt to enforce consequences on my father for his abuse, he tells me that I am being spiteful and vengeful. I have told him that I will not be around him when he is drinking because he is really mean and nasty, also crude and vulgar.

Then when he gets drunk and abusive and I start to leave, he tells me that I am acting out of revenge. He says that God says that vengeance is the Lord’s and I am sinning by taking vengeance myself.

read more

Resisting Manipulation

Barbara — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 21:27:06 -0500

by Kathy Krajco

Here is a suggestion for how to keep narcissists and other psychological manipulators from controlling you.

Never think to outsmart them or out-manipulate them.

But straight thinking can help immensely.

Keep clear on this point: Your feelings are not under your control. Your conduct is. Do not let your emotions control your conduct. If you don't, you won't be manipulated.

Like a novelist, a manipulator manipulates your feelings. A novelist knows how to make you happy, sad. He knows how to put you on tenterhooks. He knows how to make you side with a certain character, even a villain. He knows how to make you desperate to see the hero get what she wants.