Catching-up on the board, I noticed a discussion about what the Bible says about Narcissism. While I am not a religious person, I am very spiritual. In response to this recent post, I thought I should point out that the Bible refers to Narcissism as Unrighteous Dominion - The Abuse of Power. Here's a copy and paste from my book on this very topic:

This temptation to exercise unrighteous dominion exists in any situation where one is in a position of power or influence. It can occur at school, work, church, your community and in homes and families. A man who practices unrighteous dominion in his home single-handedly destroys the self-esteem of his wife and children. He may not even realize he is abusing his power, but simply knows no other way to behave.

Betty - this is so moving. Beautifully written and so profound and true. This is my favorite part:

"I am here when you are ready to face me. You wonder why life is so turbulent. Why you are so grief stricken. Why life seems so unfair and painful. I will tell you it is because you wont face me. You wont own up to your end of the bargain and trust me, love me and nurture me."

I know that in the past, I have been guilty of thinking a man could meet all my needs and make me happy. I believe that society teaches young women this from an early age (i.e. Disney Fairytales where girl meets Prince Charming and lives happily ever after).

I'm so grateful we found one another and I strongly believe God led us to one another as well. I am not a religious person, but I am very spiritual and I belive in a higher power, a higher energy that makes the sun come up every day. It's our job to tap into that energy that exists within ourselves. We all posess the energy to make the sun come up in our lives every day. Tapping into that energy inside us is something we will help each other do by working the steps and supporting one another.

We have had lots of new people sign-up on the board lately. While I'm sad that you have to be here, I'm glad you found us because it means you have made the first step in the path to breaking free and finding yourself again - the path to recovery. I lied to myself for years that my relationship with my ex-narcissist-husband (EXNH) was fine. Years, I tell you. I lived in total denial for a very long time.

We cannot delete our memories. Narcissists can, but we can't. Besides, as we already discussed, that's no way to live.

It is because we cannot delete our memories that I know many of us can relate to what Shayna's Mommy said in her post today when she wrote about still having thoughts about him even after many years:

"I was having strong guilt feelings about this, because I thought I should be "over it completely" by now, and if I had a shred of dignity I wouldnt waste any more head space on this creep. But now I know thoughts are just random, you won't stop them, and it doesn't mean I'm still "in love" (gak) or jealous (ewww) or pining (spare me) for him. Its just re-processing the past events in my life, just like other memories I revist from time to time."

My EXNH had an unbelievable memory. He could remember details and dates like no one I had seen before. However, there was only one reason why he remembered these dates and that was to garner Narcissistic Supply.

It's a great question, Aceone Lady. Whether their memory is different than ours. The answer is yes. Studies tell us we have two different memories for the same situation. One is explicit memory - a memory of the details of the experience and the other is Implicit memory - a memory of the emotions connected to the experience. For example, smelling a baked apple pie reminds me of my Grandma and brings about an emotional response of missing her. That is implicit memory. Explicit memory would be my ability to remember how to make the pie. - the details of the experience.

We all want to stop thinking about him, right? We want to stop obsessing, but we don't know how. We cannot erase the Narcissist from our brain. It is not possible. However, we can retrain our brain.

You will have thoughts in the future about your ex that you'd rather not have. You cannot control thoughts that come to mind. Memory is memory. Once created, it cannot be erased.

However, the good news is you CAN control HOW you will respond to the thoughts that pop into your head and that is the key to reducing your obsessive thoughts.

Step 1 - Get It Out
~ Share Your Story
~ Create “What I Will Not Forget” List
~ Write “Dear Narc” Letter
~ Write “Dear Me” Letter

Step 2 - Understand it
~ Knowledge is Power

Step 3 - Establish No Contact
~ What is No Contact?
~ Why is it Important?
~ Coping Strategies

Step 4 - Accept it
~ Create “What I Can Control” List
~ Create “What I Cannot Control” List
~ Say Goodbye by writing his Eulogy

Step 5 - Find an Outlet
~ Choose an Outlet
~ Create/Give expression to your feelings
~ Release Anger, Pain & Fear

Step 6 - Live in the Now
~ Understand the Power of the Present
~ Create Gratitude List

TM Copyright of Evolution Revolution LLC/Lisa E. Scott

I was just re-telling a story to a friend about the last time I went to a Sox game on the south side in the evening. I was there with a guy I had been out with once or twice before. There were four of us - myself, him and his two friends.

I disagreed with something he said. He lost it. No joke, he started yelling and screaming at me in front of his friends. So much so that I literally had to get up and walk away from him because it was so bad. After I pulled myself together in the bathroom and returned, he and his friends had left and I was there alone to find my way back home from the south side.

As we've discussed, when we try to get over a narcissist, our minds are experiencing severe Cognitive Dissonance. I first learned about Cognitive Dissonance in college. Basically, it is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time.

At the time, I smoked cigarettes and the easiest way for me to understand Cognitive Dissonance was to think of how I felt about my habit. I enjoyed it, but yet, I hated it because I knew it was bad for me, right?

Cognitive Dissonance leads to obsessive thought because we are trying to make sense of a situation that doesn’t make sense. How can I love something that I also hate? That is the crux of the issue when trying to get over a narcissist.