Warning the next target?

I know too well what you are going through as I met a cyberpath doing exactly the same on Facebook. I can't help peeking, even though I've deleted him as a friend. We have 11 mutual friends of which 2 have been targeted by him and a 3rd one is now his new target. The 2 that he has targeted before must've been alot stronger than me as one quickly deleted him when she realised what he was doing and the other didn't take his bait. I can see him now targeting this 3rd woman by liking her status all the time, befriending her friends, parking his car near hers, joking and pretending to be so caring etc. By the way, we are all married mums at the school and he is the narc dad on the school run! He is married and comes accross as supercool communtity minded charitable cop with great verbal dexterity! However in reality he is a cyberpathic predator who uses mind control games to lure victims. I can see now that he is a classic narc and uses classic mind control techniques but I was really quite naive before all this! At the time I felt a strong emotional bond to him (now know this was just the idealisation phase). Luckily we didn't have a physical affair and I never have or even thought about it before I met him. With hindsight it was a lucky escape! So I've been in a dilemma about whether to say something too. However I've decided not to. I think they are so good at coming accross as the nice guy there's no way she would believe me (until he shows his true colours - which he eventually will). If someone had said something to me before I would never have believed them. Also I'm sure he would twist it and make me look like a crazy bitter woman - the woman scorned etc! Hopefully she will see his true colours soon. Every now and again, I have put a few subtle hints on facebook as my status to warn people to be careful who you befriend, cyberpaths etc and a few press articles about the untrustworthy police. I've also said face to face comments like ' people aren't always who they seem' when he is mentioned. But I do agree with previous posters we shouldn't be looking, we shouldn't be involved in their lives in any way and need to move on. It just hurts us. In a way I've been doing cyberstalking and been obsessed to find out what he's up to next. It's given me some closure as I can see that everything he does is narcisstic. But we need to move on with our lives now and take care of ourselves. Sadly there's always going to be victims and one of the most important vicims is the cyberpaths wife (and same with yours if he's married) and I think about her alot. Her life with him must be truly awful. I know it was wrong of me to befriend a married man on facebook. I am not proud of this and hope I won't be judged too harshly. Sadly his flattery and mind games sucked me in and I devloped emotional feelings for him. Only 1 good friend knows about it and this forum is the only place I come to for help and where I feel I can be honest. I also hear so many stories on here of other women in the same situation and feel we can help each other with a non judgemental approach. At the end of the day we're here to help each other emotionally move on and get out of these bad situations. Hope things get better for you. I am a year no contact even though I have to see him on the school run. It's getting better every day but still good days and bad days. Coming on here on a bad day is a lifeline! The bad days are mostly when I see him and believe you me, I would happily never see him again in my life if I could! Maybe we could all start a 'Do not Facebook Peep group' to help us move on!

I don't think the OW will listen IMO- remember that charming, suave, convincing guy you fell in love with who couldn't possibly do any wrong? He's pulling the same thing and chances are, you'll look like the jealous ex bitter about his moving on at best. I actually did the reverse several years ago during one of our many separations. I went directly to my husband's ex girlfriend - the one he was so in love with before meeting me. (We're talking I couldn't even sleep on her side of the bed for months for crying out loud.) It was pretty uncomfortable at first, but it was the best thing I ever did. We compared notes and we both realized he treated us both the same and that it was the first time I realized that maybe our problems WEREN'T me, but him. We've kept in touch for the past 5yrs since then - funny, we're FB friend and he/she are not. When I announced my split from hubby (my first public one), she was there rooting me on. History does and will repeat itself. The OW will figure it out on her own soon enough.

My ex narc held the previous gf that he dated for 2 months while we were split over my head the whole year we got back together. He supposedly dumped her for me because he "loved me more". While they were together he flaunted her and her qualities that were better than mine to me constantly. He reminded me what a loser I was compared to her. Well after we got back together, I knew she was in the background. I always felt threatened by her for some reason. Me and my exn had a big blow out fight one weekend, I had it with him holding her over my head. So I went psycho and dug up every deranged hateful email and text he had sent me (there were tons) and emailed them all to her. She responded and was totally shocked by it all. She claimed she had never heard such things out of his mouth. Anyhow I figured out that she was unaware that he was using her to hurt me. All along he made it sound like she was an active participant and that kept me in fear of her. Her stories didn't match his and vice versa. I finally told her to leave him alone and she replied "consider it already done" but later was told by him that it pissed her off that I had the nerve to say that to her. I definately do not believe a word he says. To this day he blames me for ruining things between him and her. I disagree. He made a choice. He chose me and tried to keep her as a "just in case girl." I didnt regret then. When your fed up you are fed up. I am sure he is probably trying to get back with her and I sometimes feel like contacting her again but after reading stories on here and loading up on all the useful info this site has to offer, contacting her would mean I still care and it would be feeding his narcisstic supply. Don't do it.

I am sending a resounding NOOOOO why on earth do you want to take a responsibility of warning that bitchy trashy new victim??? First and foremost, the new victim is NOT going to believe you. Yes, the narc gets a readymade scenario to further strengthen their unholy liaison by using your own dramatics to show what a horrid woman you are.. tis the truth..tis happened before to many here.. so just start to Accept that he is a scumbag. You would need to seriously focus on YOUR PERSONAL RECOVERY. A narc never looks back, a narc has no conscience, a narc doesnt care. we will fail miserably if we try to play their game. best to cut our loss and walk away without a backward glance.

His X-friend told me that he was cheating behind my back, and calling me bad names, hiding me from them (his friends). This was in the intial " LOVE IS ALL I SEE FOR YOU, fake beginning" , but he already prepped me that she was CRAZY, and out to get him, or destroy his career. His narky ways eventually drove her away as well. I didnt know what to believe when she called me to "warn" me. I was already hooked, and niave. I wish I could find her to tell her she was right.

The ex-Psych prof had an LDR girlfriend in LA... I met her during the final D&D. He never told me about her. He talked about meeting a friend in LA the year before for Thanksgiving, but didn't get much further describing the nature of their relationship. HOW could *I* warn her? I was a student. I didn't have a sexual relationship with him. He&I never got so far as casual dating. I never even saw his apartment. Besides, she was a decade my senior and an adult. The deck was too stacked against me. I couldn't have warned her if I wanted to. Would a 31 year old curator REALLY have listened to a 22 year old college grad? If I had warned her, I would've come across as crazy. Jealous and crazy. So I didn't bother. She chose to move in with him. In some ways, she was closer to him than I ever was.

Each of us can only speak from personal experience, so here was mine. At the beginning of our relationship (me and N) I asked another person on the site if HE knew anything to please tell me because I was falling fast for this charmer. He didn't of course, because mine and N's arrival on the site was close in timing. I think I would have been open to it at that point, but likely would have just been more cautious in the relationship. (I do wish I had been more cautious, so maybe it would have that effect on the OW if she were warned) On the other hand,when my N's ex did try to warn me. I had been primed already, she was crazy, and he knew her well enough that even her approach to warning me was predicted. She only seemed to verify his words. (I feel so extremely sorry for her now, her life is a wreck and likely has been since the day she met him) Last night I struggled, thinking about contacting the guy I first asked, and asking him to please, if he could, warn others. But I couldn't, by doing so I felt I was only exposing myself to more harm, and I know I can't do that right now, am too weak. It is too bad though, that these N's can't be exposed for who and what they truly are. The problem is, early in the relationship they find our vulnerabilities and from that point on, any chance of "outing" them will only bring harm to ourselves. Please consider all options before you do anything. Try to understand the consequences of action and inaction. Am keeping you in my thoughts. Praying that we all can find peace from the torment we've been through.

I may be in the minority here, but I think it's fair to warn someone if you're able to. I actually would have listened in the early stages to someone who had been in a relationship with my ex. I wanted someone who knew him to tell me that I wasn't crazy, because most of the people I knew didn't understand the ways in which he manipulated. Hearing the warnings from a source with credibility would have helped me immensely.

The best thing you could do is to stop looking at their FB profiles and put some emotional distance between you. I know how hard it is, but it is YOUR best option. Staying tied up in it will hinder your healing and the new supply won't listen anyway - she'll do what she wants. Yes, the patterns are familiar, the anger and sense of injustice can be all consuming sometimes, but for your own sake, don't encourage it by always plugging in to what he is doing now or with you.

Please don't do this to yourself. Warning her? Here is why it won't do any good. http://forum2.aimoo.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/THE-TARGET-Healing-Survival-Tactics-Read-Only/So-You-target-Think-You-Are-Special-1-660027.html The other reason is because it will make YOU look like the crazy one. It's like giving the N bullets to load the gun they are going to shoot you with. Stay strong and stay off FB!! xx, Rose

I did not break up with him (she was an alcoholic rough lady from his past and I figured a jilted from an affair - I was the real honest to goodness nice girl GF - his true love, yeah right!). However, I did appreciate the info and kept it to myself and observed fairly carefully but after about 2 years I forgot about it and we were getting along better than ever. then he abandoned me and would not speak, just like he did to the lady I thought i was so much more special than. it helped me take it a bit less personally to know it was a character trait but I am still very devastated after a 10 year R

Darling, just put yourself in her shoes - would you have listened to a stranger??? Take care of yourself, for that's all you can do. And be nice to yourself and stop checking them out on FB. What a waste of your time!! You really have better things to do!

and dilema. I have been going back and forth with thoughts of telling the latest victims (there are 3 he is bi-coastal) and the fantasy that the latest victims will make him miserable and break his heart like he did mine. BUT, I thought about if someone warned me, I would have thought they were a bitter, jealous ex's and they were sorry they lost such a wonderful prize, even reinforcing that I was the luckiest woman in the world. While it would be humane and a public service - they won't listen. Can't save them but you can take care of yourself...

DG, Like most of us here, I'm sure you've been deeply hurt by your N. It's only natural to want to know what he's doing and possibly, who he is doing it with...after all, we loved this person for a very long time. As long as you continue to focus on "him," you cannot heal from the abuse. Focusing on him, keeps you stuck in your pain and provides them with more power. The internet is awesome but, on the other hand, can become just another addiction, especially when it comes to x N's. Logging into Facebook keeps the game alive and it's just another way they can F with your mind by continuing to trigger old wounds. I'm sure he knows you're looking. If you can, stay off of Facebook and the rest of these sites. Focus on you and your own path back to sanity. You'll eventually realize that all of this is more about you than about him...he was just an instrument to guide you to your awakening. Leave them both alone...let her learn her lessons, just like you learned yours. If it's not her he's with, it will be another one. Say the serenity prayer over and over and accept the things you cannot change...Move on with your life and work on yourself so that you can begin to have healthy relationships. Tre

im sorry but i really believe it is our duty to warn others. even if she gets angry or whatever it will plant the seed for her to recall when he starts treating her badly. and will help her to realize its not her. hopefully it will prevent years of pain and psychological demise.its healing for us if we help prevent others from being destroyed. she wont have to waste time trying to figure it out and will be able to drop him faster. the more people who are aware of this the less they will be victimized. satan loves for us to believe he doesnt really exist or to be ignorant of his schemes. ignorance is his favorite "in".