Warning the next target?

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Oct 14 - 5PM
juliamarie's picture

The unfortunate truth...

She won't listen no matter how much you genuinely want her to know what she's getting herself into. We all have to make our own mistakes. Basically, you just end up looking like a crazy ex to her. She won't care about anything you have to say. I'm sure we will see her on here soon. Bless her heart. She's in for a world of trouble, but maybe...like all of us, it will be a growth experience for her.
Oct 14 - 5PM
Hunter's picture

What should you do??

Pray.. Say a prayer for this poor woman.. She won't listen even if you told her. She will think you are just a jealous ex., he will confirm this and Lable you as crazy !!! Not your problem.. Hunter
Oct 14 - 5PM
Hope's picture

Stay in your own bucket...

It's nice that you care, but you need to redirect that empathy inside to yourself, you can't be concerned about her for all the other reasons listed on here each of us needs to focus on our selves. She won't listen anyway. And yes you need to stop the contact, it will just prolong your recovery. Good luck, it's a long road any most people outside of here just don't get it.
Oct 14 - 5PM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I think women have to

I think women have to organize and defeat these men. I'd warn her and encourage other women who have been burned by him to warn others as well. This is the UP side of facebook. If only someone had warned me. I sure would have listened. It wouldn't have stopped me, but I would have heeded red flags and would have walked way way before he had a chance to dump me. For ONCE women have a chance to 'do good' by other women. Grab the brass ring!
Oct 20 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
NarcJunkie's picture

I agree

I would have listened to a warning in the very early stages. A good friend of mine sat me down and gave me the talk when he noticed that I was getting close to the Narc. He told me all the stories he heard and what the Narc's ex thought of him. What he said was so severe that I couldn't ignore it. Unfortunately, I was already deeply in love with the Narc and thought I knew him better. When I confronted him with some of the accusations, he seemed very shocked and sad that people would say such horrible things about him. I ended up comforting him. No use trying to warn a woman that is completely hooked and hasn't seen his true face yet. I am, however, very grateful that my friend tried to tell me. I was with another Narc 7 years ago and he was constantly lying to me and cheating behind my back. A few people knew about this, but no one ever told me bc they didn't want to get involved. In the end, one of the women called me up and told me. I was extremely grateful and wished someone had told me sooner. This was at the end of the relationship, though, so I was ready to hear it. Am now thinking of at least telling the OW that he's a Narc, so she'll know what to google when she's ready... I agree we should help each other out. It makes me angry that good people suffer while the Narcs get what they want.
Oct 14 - 4PM
tooloyal's picture

Move On

Stop stalking him on Facebook and get on with your life. I say this with love. Who his next victim will be isn't your business.
Oct 14 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

We stalk because we're

We stalk because we're looking for closure. If none is forthcoming, we should react as we would if we were part of a small town neighbourhood. Do you think these jerks would be able to act with the same degree of impunity if they were limited to small actual communities? The internet provides cyberpaths with endless opportunities to hurt others. However, it is a self correcting system, if we can take the access it provides to it's logical conclusion and warn other men and women. To refrain from doing this is to disarm well before the battle is over. Use the same system that ennables to defeat. I did. It worked beautifully, better than I could have imagined.
Oct 14 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
Hunter's picture


I realize you have good intentions here. Giving the OW warning is never advised unless she reaches you to us!! This back fire on many levels. Snooping on FB is contact and also not advised!! Hunter
Oct 14 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I can see how it could

I can see how it could backfire, Hunter. I also stand by my belief that it can be cathartic for the victim and helpful for the new target. You claim that it doesn't work. And that is true, to some degree. Nobody is going to instantly dump someone they're crazy about in the seduction phase. However, they will certainly remember your words once the bloom is off the rose and will likely choose to leave sooner than they would have otherwise. I am speaking from my own experience here. If I had been contacted at any point in the relationship, by a former partner, I would have been MUCH better off.
Oct 14 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
strivingforhealing (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

when he tried to get me back while he was with the OW-

I emailed her and told her that he was contacting me and wanting to be sexual with me. This was a YEAR into their relationship when he was already beginning to discard her. and it ALL BACKFIRED ON ME. He convinced her I was crazy and jealous and that I was the one contacting him. If she is in major confusion and dissonance- she could still decide to stay and believe you are the crazy one. This OW did- for 6 more months. I was addicted to him. she was too. and all my truth telling did was keep me in obsession and the crazy making drama. This is NOT a cut and dry situation. This N's play havoc on our psyches. The OW won't listen AND it will keep you hooked into the sick drama. Stay out of it! and focus on your own recovery. Everyone has their own path and their own journey. We don't need to intervene in theirs , we need to focus on ours.
Oct 14 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Hunter's picture

If you would have been

If you would have been contacted you would have thought the person giving the warning was crazy and jealous!! Let's be honest here!! Hunter
Oct 15 - 1AM (Reply to #14)
outOFtheFOG13's picture

I was dating the ex-idiot

I was dating the ex-idiot (narc) for about 3 months and all was perfect. Then I got a call from the former girlfriend and of course, she gave me an earful about how he operates. I refused to believe what she had to say. I was sure that even if he was abusive to her, he would NEVER be that way with me. He managed to convince me that he was so good to her, she would do anything to get him to come back to her. He said she was crazy/bipolar/illiterate/etc. I chose to believe him and I had to find out the truth for myself. Turns out, they were still “seeing” each other for the first 2 years of my relationship with him. I understand wanting to warn a future victim, however, I feel by doing so, we risk becoming emotionally intertwined with the narc and his new person. And that can be just as painful as the hurt we already endured.
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Darned right. I would have

Darned right. I would have thought they were nuts in the first 6 months. But I sure would have paid attention and those very few little red flags would have become huge freaking banners. A warning would have saved me. As it was, because of everything else that was going on in my life, his deep and instant betrayal could have put me right over the edge. My narc is a bit different than most I read about here, so that has to be a qualifier. I am chronically ill and physically very fragile. I told him that any major shock could flip me into a major medical problem. He ditched me the way he did to hurt me to the maximum...for no apparent reason. If you have never dealt with a stealth sadistic narc, you can't really grasp what this is like and can't fully appreciate why I feel so strongly about warning other women. Last week I had stroke symptoms. This is all a result of the D and D, months ago. I think I'll be okay, but I may never be quite right again. You had some warning with your narc. He was a covert, if I remember correctly. The stealth are much much more toxic. They truly get off on your pain and plan for it. The more in love you are with them, the more like a perfect 'vestal virgin' to slaughter on an altar. Mine wanted to bring me as close to innocence and trust as he could so the cries of pain would be the most exquisite he could produce. He loved the sound of my mind AND body shattering like glass.
Oct 14 - 7PM (Reply to #11)
foreverfun1's picture

yes! but when things went

yes! but when things went wrong id know it wasnt me and i would know where to turn. it would be a seed that was planted that would enable me to know im not crazy and Most of all not alone
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Unfreakinreal's picture

You are KILLING me ff :)

Believe me, it doesnt work that way. Building a relationship with your exes victims is not healthy. I am the contactee and it's an invasion of my privacy. I don't want to be involved with him in any way, direct or indirect. Unless you have children together or are unfortunate enough to be still living under the same roof, there is NO reason to be involved with them whatsoever. At all. And that includes getting involved in their life after you. Xoxo
Oct 14 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Deidre40's picture

I agree with this. Yes, hard

I agree with this. Yes, hard to hear...but the best advice you'll hear all day. and further to that. women who fall prey to these men. if it's not him, it'll be another. until they do the internal work on themselves, they will fall for narcs. i learned that. and so will she. but, you warning her. she will still have the problems that reside inside her, and that, you can't cure for her.
Oct 14 - 4PM (Reply to #5)
Lisa87's picture

I have to agree

Not worth your time or effort, do something nice for yourself. No contact means no stalking on Facebook too, why are you still friends? I would block him immediately.
Oct 14 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
darling.girl's picture

Hard to hear, but I think you

Hard to hear, but I think you are right.
Oct 15 - 2AM (Reply to #3)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

She has already been "warned"

She has already been "warned" about you...forget warning her about him...he's already anticipated and safeguarded himself from anything you may have to say to her about him. That is what makes Ns so adept at what they do...they are the consummate schemers...they are always anticipating your next few moves and countering them before you ever pull the trigger. I believe that's the paranoia they inherently possess. So, what I'm trying to say is...he's already told her that you're "nuts" and "desperate"...you "warning her" will only give him total credibility in her mind. Your intentions are good, but he has already programmed her as to what she should believe with regard to your 'motives'. You are an ex to her - the enemy - you are not objective on any level as far as she is concerned. He has also had plenty of time to feed on her fears of you coming back around to cause trouble and threaten her relationship with him. In short, what you are suggesting is the King of Bad Ideas. You claim your xN is a stealth narc...then you already know he's anticipated this reaction from you and countered it before you ever get the chance to 'one up' him...do yourself a favor and stop confirming every stereotype he has envisioned of you. Mine is also a stealth - and I am telling you from tried and true experience with HIS stereotype that doing nothing is the most beautiful form of a 'fuck you' death blow that you can ever deliver unto him. He is running around scheming and planting land mines specifically meant to elicit a reaction from me. I never take the bait...he is literally a gnat to me, I can't be bothered by these antics...I left to better MY life - if I wanted drama and upset, I'd still be with him. My xN was with another woman the last time I saw him - I have no desire to insert myself into his life...you really have to get to a place emotionally where you can think about this man as any other distant acquaintance...would you run to the g/f of a distant acquaintance and "warn" her about him then? Hell no you wouldn't. If I wanted to be a bitch to him, I could have said "my condolences" to her when he so graciously introduced "his girlfriend" to me. I didn't take the bait...I merely said "hi" like she was any other douche bag's g/f and that was that. Oh, and then I left shortly thereafter - so that I was sure to deprive him of an audience for the evening, when I knew the specific reason for him bringing her was to create drama. Didn't happen and his text to me two days later proves that he didn't get the intended reaction from me. He was trying to create the drama two days after the fact...I of course, totally ignored him then too. Haven't heard from him since, don't know/don't care if she's still with him. If she ever comes to me and asks me about life with him, she's going to get a stock answer from me along the lines of...'if you can't have this conversation with him, you already have all the answers you need'. I was involved with that fucker which doesn't exactly make me some relationship guru...I would liken my advice to someone involved with that creep as the blind leading the blind. I want no part of his life or anyone in it. Move on and break the rear-view mirror before you do. Hugs!
Oct 15 - 3AM (Reply to #4)
outOFtheFOG13's picture

I had the wonderful

I had the wonderful experience of being contacted by the new girlfriend of my ex. She suspected he was still contacting me (which he was) so she went through his phone to find my number. I kept my composure and tried to handle the situation tactfully. I was trying to be considerate of her feelings so I did not elaborate too much on my past with the narc and I chose not to tell her that he called and textd me every day for the past 3 months. I explained that I am not interested in rehashing my past with him and I am not interested in comparing notes with her on his behavior. This “woman” proceeded to send me text messages detailing their sex life. She wanted to make sure I was aware that she is screwing him and warn me that I need to leave him alone. True to form, he assured her I was the nut and I was the one contacting him. My point is, I was contacted by this person who I didn’t know existed, I tried to avert any drama and I was considerate of her feelings. I had to eventually call the cops on her for fear of what I was going to do to her if she drove past my house or threatened me one more time. Nothing constructive to our healing process will come from conversing with our narcs new partner. We are the enemy and the narc will work this opportunity for drama to the max. They are puppet masters and the idea of two women fighting over them, or merely talking about them for that matter is a rush for them. My ex-narc had the nerve to contact me to warn me about this woman, telling me she is dangerous and he needs to come and stay with me to protect me from her. I responded by asking him “If you are supposedly going to protect me from her, who is going to protect me from you?”. I went nc after that. I have gone from my hurt phase into my anger phase now. I think that is progress?