Warning the next target?

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#1 Oct 14 - 4PM
darling.girl
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Warning the next target?

I am watching my ex-narc line up his next victim on FB. So many similarities to me: married, financial problems (like me and he's wealthy). A husband who was just released from jail (not me), but a husband whose ability to be a husband is compromised (was me). He's brazenly flirting with her publicly like he did with me on profile posts. She went from having profile photos of herself with her children and grandchildren to recently posting a sexy one with the confidence shining through, just like happened to me in the seduction stage. I'm looking at this thinking, it's just a matter of time. You're it. You're next. I am watching the train barreling down the track on her.

What would you do? I don't know her personally. I'm watching it all unfold online.

Oct 22 - 5AM
JRB123
JRB123's picture

It's a tough one

I know too well what you are going through as I met a cyberpath doing exactly the same on Facebook. I can't help peeking, even though I've deleted him as a friend. We have 11 mutual friends of which 2 have been targeted by him and a 3rd one is now his new target. The 2 that he has targeted before must've been alot stronger than me as one quickly deleted him when she realised what he was doing and the other didn't take his bait. I can see him now targeting this 3rd woman by liking her status all the time, befriending her friends, parking his car near hers, joking and pretending to be so caring etc. By the way, we are all married mums at the school and he is the narc dad on the school run! He is married and comes accross as supercool communtity minded charitable cop with great verbal dexterity! However in reality he is a cyberpathic predator who uses mind control games to lure victims. I can see now that he is a classic narc and uses classic mind control techniques but I was really quite naive before all this! At the time I felt a strong emotional bond to him (now know this was just the idealisation phase). Luckily we didn't have a physical affair and I never have or even thought about it before I met him. With hindsight it was a lucky escape! So I've been in a dilemma about whether to say something too. However I've decided not to. I think they are so good at coming accross as the nice guy there's no way she would believe me (until he shows his true colours - which he eventually will). If someone had said something to me before I would never have believed them. Also I'm sure he would twist it and make me look like a crazy bitter woman - the woman scorned etc! Hopefully she will see his true colours soon. Every now and again, I have put a few subtle hints on facebook as my status to warn people to be careful who you befriend, cyberpaths etc and a few press articles about the untrustworthy police. I've also said face to face comments like ' people aren't always who they seem' when he is mentioned. But I do agree with previous posters we shouldn't be looking, we shouldn't be involved in their lives in any way and need to move on. It just hurts us. In a way I've been doing cyberstalking and been obsessed to find out what he's up to next. It's given me some closure as I can see that everything he does is narcisstic. But we need to move on with our lives now and take care of ourselves. Sadly there's always going to be victims and one of the most important vicims is the cyberpaths wife (and same with yours if he's married) and I think about her alot. Her life with him must be truly awful. I know it was wrong of me to befriend a married man on facebook. I am not proud of this and hope I won't be judged too harshly. Sadly his flattery and mind games sucked me in and I devloped emotional feelings for him. Only 1 good friend knows about it and this forum is the only place I come to for help and where I feel I can be honest. I also hear so many stories on here of other women in the same situation and feel we can help each other with a non judgemental approach. At the end of the day we're here to help each other emotionally move on and get out of these bad situations. Hope things get better for you. I am a year no contact even though I have to see him on the school run. It's getting better every day but still good days and bad days. Coming on here on a bad day is a lifeline! The bad days are mostly when I see him and believe you me, I would happily never see him again in my life if I could! Maybe we could all start a 'Do not Facebook Peep group' to help us move on!
Oct 22 - 2AM
5kdznme
5kdznme's picture

Reverse

I don't think the OW will listen IMO- remember that charming, suave, convincing guy you fell in love with who couldn't possibly do any wrong? He's pulling the same thing and chances are, you'll look like the jealous ex bitter about his moving on at best. I actually did the reverse several years ago during one of our many separations. I went directly to my husband's ex girlfriend - the one he was so in love with before meeting me. (We're talking I couldn't even sleep on her side of the bed for months for crying out loud.) It was pretty uncomfortable at first, but it was the best thing I ever did. We compared notes and we both realized he treated us both the same and that it was the first time I realized that maybe our problems WEREN'T me, but him. We've kept in touch for the past 5yrs since then - funny, we're FB friend and he/she are not. When I announced my split from hubby (my first public one), she was there rooting me on. History does and will repeat itself. The OW will figure it out on her own soon enough.
Oct 20 - 10PM
Blythebloo
Blythebloo's picture

My ex narc held the previous

My ex narc held the previous gf that he dated for 2 months while we were split over my head the whole year we got back together. He supposedly dumped her for me because he "loved me more". While they were together he flaunted her and her qualities that were better than mine to me constantly. He reminded me what a loser I was compared to her. Well after we got back together, I knew she was in the background. I always felt threatened by her for some reason. Me and my exn had a big blow out fight one weekend, I had it with him holding her over my head. So I went psycho and dug up every deranged hateful email and text he had sent me (there were tons) and emailed them all to her. She responded and was totally shocked by it all. She claimed she had never heard such things out of his mouth. Anyhow I figured out that she was unaware that he was using her to hurt me. All along he made it sound like she was an active participant and that kept me in fear of her. Her stories didn't match his and vice versa. I finally told her to leave him alone and she replied "consider it already done" but later was told by him that it pissed her off that I had the nerve to say that to her. I definately do not believe a word he says. To this day he blames me for ruining things between him and her. I disagree. He made a choice. He chose me and tried to keep her as a "just in case girl." I didnt regret then. When your fed up you are fed up. I am sure he is probably trying to get back with her and I sometimes feel like contacting her again but after reading stories on here and loading up on all the useful info this site has to offer, contacting her would mean I still care and it would be feeding his narcisstic supply. Don't do it.
Oct 21 - 12AM (Reply to #48)
Erali
Erali's picture

Again, I feel like the

Again, I feel like the minority, but I don't think contacting her would be feeding his supply. You're on her side, and she's hopefully on yours. The OWs are not the Ns. I can see how it might indirectly feed his supply, but ultimately I disagree that it's primarily what the Ns are after. I'm not recommending you contact her unless there is a good reason, but I think under some circumstances it's fine.
Oct 20 - 9AM
freaked
freaked's picture

darling.girl

I am sending a resounding NOOOOO why on earth do you want to take a responsibility of warning that bitchy trashy new victim??? First and foremost, the new victim is NOT going to believe you. Yes, the narc gets a readymade scenario to further strengthen their unholy liaison by using your own dramatics to show what a horrid woman you are.. tis the truth..tis happened before to many here.. so just start to Accept that he is a scumbag. You would need to seriously focus on YOUR PERSONAL RECOVERY. A narc never looks back, a narc has no conscience, a narc doesnt care. we will fail miserably if we try to play their game. best to cut our loss and walk away without a backward glance.
Oct 20 - 1PM (Reply to #46)
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

I won't diss her

Hi, Thanks for your support and all the advice. But I won't view a potential or current victim of a narc as "bitchy, trashy." Those labels could very well apply to me as I had an affair with my narc when he was married. Not only was he married, but his wife was/is suffering from a degenerative disease. I don't consider myself to be bitchy or trashy by any means, but I was hooked so successfully by him that I engaged in an extramarital affair. I had never had one. I wasn't looking for one. I never envisioned myself as ever having an affair. But when this guy came pursuing me from several states away, literally out of the blue, when I was emotionally suffering and vulnerable (I had marital problems), I fell for every one of his come-on lines. I can only imagine the same is true for her. I think most of us are/were "sweet girls" who got conned. From what I can tell, she is a "sweet girl," too. BTW - I have decided to stay out of it.
Oct 18 - 7PM
ssm
ssm's picture

I was kinda warned

His X-friend told me that he was cheating behind my back, and calling me bad names, hiding me from them (his friends). This was in the intial " LOVE IS ALL I SEE FOR YOU, fake beginning" , but he already prepped me that she was CRAZY, and out to get him, or destroy his career. His narky ways eventually drove her away as well. I didnt know what to believe when she called me to "warn" me. I was already hooked, and niave. I wish I could find her to tell her she was right.
Oct 18 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Warning was impossible in my case

The ex-Psych prof had an LDR girlfriend in LA... I met her during the final D&D. He never told me about her. He talked about meeting a friend in LA the year before for Thanksgiving, but didn't get much further describing the nature of their relationship. HOW could *I* warn her? I was a student. I didn't have a sexual relationship with him. He&I never got so far as casual dating. I never even saw his apartment. Besides, she was a decade my senior and an adult. The deck was too stacked against me. I couldn't have warned her if I wanted to. Would a 31 year old curator REALLY have listened to a 22 year old college grad? If I had warned her, I would've come across as crazy. Jealous and crazy. So I didn't bother. She chose to move in with him. In some ways, she was closer to him than I ever was.
Oct 18 - 8AM
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

Been there...

Each of us can only speak from personal experience, so here was mine. At the beginning of our relationship (me and N) I asked another person on the site if HE knew anything to please tell me because I was falling fast for this charmer. He didn't of course, because mine and N's arrival on the site was close in timing. I think I would have been open to it at that point, but likely would have just been more cautious in the relationship. (I do wish I had been more cautious, so maybe it would have that effect on the OW if she were warned) On the other hand,when my N's ex did try to warn me. I had been primed already, she was crazy, and he knew her well enough that even her approach to warning me was predicted. She only seemed to verify his words. (I feel so extremely sorry for her now, her life is a wreck and likely has been since the day she met him) Last night I struggled, thinking about contacting the guy I first asked, and asking him to please, if he could, warn others. But I couldn't, by doing so I felt I was only exposing myself to more harm, and I know I can't do that right now, am too weak. It is too bad though, that these N's can't be exposed for who and what they truly are. The problem is, early in the relationship they find our vulnerabilities and from that point on, any chance of "outing" them will only bring harm to ourselves. Please consider all options before you do anything. Try to understand the consequences of action and inaction. Am keeping you in my thoughts. Praying that we all can find peace from the torment we've been through.
Oct 17 - 10PM
Erali
Erali's picture

I may be in the minority

I may be in the minority here, but I think it's fair to warn someone if you're able to. I actually would have listened in the early stages to someone who had been in a relationship with my ex. I wanted someone who knew him to tell me that I wasn't crazy, because most of the people I knew didn't understand the ways in which he manipulated. Hearing the warnings from a source with credibility would have helped me immensely.
Oct 18 - 8AM (Reply to #37)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You don't have credibility

You don't have credibility with the new supply...plain as that.
Oct 19 - 10PM (Reply to #41)
Erali
Erali's picture

That would be for her to

That would be for her to decide. From my point of view, when I was the new supply, an old girlfriend would have been the most credible source. My EXNP never said anything about his exes so I wasn't brainwashed into thinking they were crazy.
Oct 18 - 9AM (Reply to #38)
peanutbutterfrogs
peanutbutterfrogs's picture

You don't have credibility

That is so true. I have to keep telling myself that. Also, I know my N's "talents" are limited, and when he eventually tears himself down his options will be a little less. I think some are on to him already (through no fault of mine) and it is simply a matter of time. Of course there will always be women out there who will want to mother him, thinking if only they can fill him with enough love, then they'll get the prize. But warnings to those OW's would only challenge them further.
Oct 18 - 11AM (Reply to #39)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Guess the looming question

Guess the looming question for me is...how long are you willing to linger on the fringes, delaying your own recovery, to 'warn' other women about this guy? Can't be thinking she's the only one...b/c even if she does heed the advice and ditch him, he's moving on to the next target...you gonna spend your life monitoring his and saving women from him? Or are you going to get on with your own life and leave the OW to walk down the path they've chosen of their own free will, just as you did? It's a really noble idea, wanting to warn others, but you've paid enough of a price just having this asshole around as long as he was...get away and stay away.
Oct 19 - 10PM (Reply to #40)
Erali
Erali's picture

I understand this, my

I understand this, my recovery isn't being derailed by thinking about helping the other women. I would only bother if the opportunity was presented to me, I wouldn't seek it out. He does like to spend time 2 blocks from my house, so it's entirely possible. Anyway, I've only seen him with one other woman, and I had no way of speaking to her, so I've never really had the chance to warn them.
Oct 15 - 3AM
Journey
Journey's picture

The best thing you could do

The best thing you could do is to stop looking at their FB profiles and put some emotional distance between you. I know how hard it is, but it is YOUR best option. Staying tied up in it will hinder your healing and the new supply won't listen anyway - she'll do what she wants. Yes, the patterns are familiar, the anger and sense of injustice can be all consuming sometimes, but for your own sake, don't encourage it by always plugging in to what he is doing now or with you.

Journey on...

Oct 15 - 12AM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

DG

Please don't do this to yourself. Warning her? Here is why it won't do any good. http://forum2.aimoo.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/THE-TARGET-Healing-Survival-Tactics-Read-Only/So-You-target-Think-You-Are-Special-1-660027.html The other reason is because it will make YOU look like the crazy one. It's like giving the N bullets to load the gun they are going to shoot you with. Stay strong and stay off FB!! xx, Rose
Oct 19 - 10PM (Reply to #33)
Amiee
Amiee's picture

Disgusting!

I am disgusted! This is totally John S. He played me like paragraph layed out. The only line they missed was I have never been loved or loved anyone like the love we have... I am grossed out need a shower..
Oct 20 - 9AM (Reply to #34)
candy
candy's picture

hi

amiee ... i left you a private message,hope to hear from you soon .. candy xx
Oct 14 - 11PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

I was warned

I did not break up with him (she was an alcoholic rough lady from his past and I figured a jilted from an affair - I was the real honest to goodness nice girl GF - his true love, yeah right!). However, I did appreciate the info and kept it to myself and observed fairly carefully but after about 2 years I forgot about it and we were getting along better than ever. then he abandoned me and would not speak, just like he did to the lady I thought i was so much more special than. it helped me take it a bit less personally to know it was a character trait but I am still very devastated after a 10 year R
Oct 14 - 11PM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Darling, just put yourself in

Darling, just put yourself in her shoes - would you have listened to a stranger??? Take care of yourself, for that's all you can do. And be nice to yourself and stop checking them out on FB. What a waste of your time!! You really have better things to do!
Oct 14 - 9PM
Amiee
Amiee's picture

Totally feel your pain

and dilema. I have been going back and forth with thoughts of telling the latest victims (there are 3 he is bi-coastal) and the fantasy that the latest victims will make him miserable and break his heart like he did mine. BUT, I thought about if someone warned me, I would have thought they were a bitter, jealous ex's and they were sorry they lost such a wonderful prize, even reinforcing that I was the luckiest woman in the world. While it would be humane and a public service - they won't listen. Can't save them but you can take care of yourself...
Oct 14 - 9PM
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Facebook and Warnings

DG, Like most of us here, I'm sure you've been deeply hurt by your N. It's only natural to want to know what he's doing and possibly, who he is doing it with...after all, we loved this person for a very long time. As long as you continue to focus on "him," you cannot heal from the abuse. Focusing on him, keeps you stuck in your pain and provides them with more power. The internet is awesome but, on the other hand, can become just another addiction, especially when it comes to x N's. Logging into Facebook keeps the game alive and it's just another way they can F with your mind by continuing to trigger old wounds. I'm sure he knows you're looking. If you can, stay off of Facebook and the rest of these sites. Focus on you and your own path back to sanity. You'll eventually realize that all of this is more about you than about him...he was just an instrument to guide you to your awakening. Leave them both alone...let her learn her lessons, just like you learned yours. If it's not her he's with, it will be another one. Say the serenity prayer over and over and accept the things you cannot change...Move on with your life and work on yourself so that you can begin to have healthy relationships. Tre
Oct 14 - 7PM
foreverfun1
foreverfun1's picture

im sorry but i really believe

im sorry but i really believe it is our duty to warn others. even if she gets angry or whatever it will plant the seed for her to recall when he starts treating her badly. and will help her to realize its not her. hopefully it will prevent years of pain and psychological demise.its healing for us if we help prevent others from being destroyed. she wont have to waste time trying to figure it out and will be able to drop him faster. the more people who are aware of this the less they will be victimized. satan loves for us to believe he doesnt really exist or to be ignorant of his schemes. ignorance is his favorite "in".
Oct 14 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

Foreverfun...

I adore you, but you and I are always on different sides on this issue. I say leave it alone. At this early stage, warning the OW is really only about us wanting some satisfaction. It's none of our business. I was warned about my ex and I didn't listen, because I believed with me it was different. We cannot move on if we are keeping ourselves involved. Honestly, what they do after us is not our problem. Xoxo :)
Oct 15 - 1AM (Reply to #27)
foreverfun1
foreverfun1's picture

Unfreakinreal

thankyou for saying you adore me, it makes me feel validated and eager to understand your point. i adore you for being so caring toward me despite my difference of opinion. plus i think you're a really cool girl whom i respect. oh and it seems the majority agree with you so you must be right. :) hugs
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #23)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Unfreakingreal, I get what

Unfreakingreal, I get what you are saying and it has merit in many situations. However, here is another way of looking at it. One of the few things I remember about al-Anon meetings I attended, (all 4 of them!) about 25 years ago, were the many women who stood up and told the same story. They married abusive alcoholics and when they asked their own mothers for help, the women told them, "You made your bed, now you can lie in it!" I was horrified! It seemed to me that these women had declined to support their own daughters in life or death situations. I've never forgotten it. They were personal stories but they radiated out of culturally entrenched ideas. I feel that helping other women is a duty. If we are careful and well intentioned and aren't hell bent and bitter we could help a lot of women.
Oct 14 - 10PM (Reply to #25)
tresor2
tresor2's picture

Helping others

and giving can be a great gift. But, cyberstalking and getting involved in other people's business may cause more damage than good...it just keeps the victim stuck. It's just another excuse, this time the excuse is that helping other women is my duty, especially when my N is sleeping with them. Working through denial is part of recovery. If I were told someone I was dating was a N, I would probably conclude someone is scorned or that they want the guy back. I may also take heed and keep my eyes open...either way, if I like someone, nobody is going to be able to make me drop them; I'll do it when I get ready. Staying in our own lane is the only way to heal...logging onto Facebook is just another way to break NC. Instead of attempting to "save" strangers, save yourself. Give yourself the love and compassion that you feel for others. If you've suffered at the hands of a N, there's a lot of deep wounding that requires your attention.
Oct 14 - 10PM (Reply to #26)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Saving strangers

I'd say that if one wants to save strangers, one should- 1)Donate to charity 2)Donate to a local food bank 3)Donate books&clothing In those ways, one can help strangers. They'll probably never thank you for giving them spaghetti&marinara sauce, they probably won't seek you out to thank you... but they won't take advantage of you and abuse you for your kindness.
Oct 14 - 9PM (Reply to #24)
Unfreakinreal
Unfreakinreal's picture

I hear you...

I'm just more on the "I won't enable anyone to continue to hurt themselves" side of the fence. And yes, helping others is admirable, but there are more ways to do that other than getting directly involved in a mess you are supposed to be removing yourself from. Giving a heads up to someone who contacts you can be ok... Thanks ladies :) But going out of your way to contact and warn them? It makes you look crazy, desperate and jealous and only fuels the fire. Totally unattractive and not the way a confident woman such as myself wants to be portrayed. I spent enough time being told I was crazy, I'm not in a hurry to go that route again. Xoxo