Parasite Free

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#1 Aug 6 - 10AM
Lim
Lim's picture

Parasite Free

One week ago today, my world turned completely upside. Background is needed before I get to that point so please bear with me. Two and a half years ago I was seduced by N. He was my daughter's basketball coach. I later found out that the only reason he agreed to coach one more season was if he could have the MILF mom on the team (I was his next supply source). He sent an email to the parents saying that he'd be our children's coach and provided the practice schedule. At the time, I knew nothing of his past, just that I witnessed how great he was with kids and I was thrilled my daughter would be mentored by him. I replied and told him that I was thrilled he would be my daugther's coach for her final season in elementary school. Wrong move. I get a reply a day later asking if I realized I was incredible eye candy. I was hooked.

We were both married (again, horrible judgement) and were at a stage in our relationships where things were extremely routine and dull. We provided solace for each other. Words flowed freely. We had so much in common. We had someone that would listen and respond. One thing led to another and I was in the midst of the three month honeymoon phase. Like may of you, he was my soul mate. My Knight in Shining Armor. He chose me! He was an english teacher and very well versed with words. He knew how to seduce and, boy, was he good. I fell hook, line, and sinker. He was completely different than my husband--outgoing not quiet; charming not low-key; outward arrogance vs. a quiet confidence. You name it, I found everything positive in him that I was yearning for in my husband.

Early on in our relationship he confessed that I was his third affair. He was my second. We agreed it was definitely not something we were proud of and were obviously lacking something in our marriage that we weren't getting. We felt this was it. Everything was a learning experience that led us to each other.

The courtship was amazing. We couldn't get enough of one another. Every opportunity to sneak out or meet, we did. I love you came three weeks into what is now the worst train wreck of my life. I couldn't believe that a relationship could be this good. I was addicted! Then came Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I was confused. He would disappear on the weekends with no contact. Excuses were "I need time," "My wife was questioning the phone bill," or "this is moving too fast." I couldn't understand. Had no experience with this whatsoever. Told myself I was better off not messing with fire and that my husband was a saint. Monday would roll around and I would email and say, "what's wrong? something isn't right." He would refute it by saying everything was fine and that I was just being paranoid. He didn't have all day to email...that he did have to teach. That certainly wasn't an issue in the honeymoon phase when he wanted in my pants, now was it? He would withdraw and I would beg for more. Not knowing this is what N's long for, I fed right into his trap. I pined after him like an idiot school girl.

The high would resume and we were back to "normal." (If there ever is a normal with an N.) Summer came, school was out, and he was free to golf and relax and do whatever. He would stop to see me at work. Bring me food and goodies. He loved taking care of me! At some point in our relationship, he gave me the password to his phone and email accounts. "Whatever is mine is yours." Wrong move on his part. I was able to track everything. Turns out that he was secretly texting his 2nd affairee and meeting her. I was devastated. I tried calling him on it several times, but he would deny, deny, deny.

Then came Christmas. The rollercoaster was at a low. I sensed something wasn't right AGAIN. Checked the phone bill and, yep, there was the 2nd ex again. This time I took matters into my own hands. I called her and told her we were both being made fools of. She wasn't surprised at all. Not only was she sucked back in, but she was used. Turns out they had sex (surprise!). She told me that I, like she, needed to move on...that somewhere in there she was certain he loved, but not like we do...she told me to get counseling and to stick to my guns. We broke it off for a few days, but I didn't listen. When I confronted him with the news and that his betrayal to me was confirmed, he poured on the charm. "We are going to make it. We can do this. It's you and me." Like a blubbering idiot, I was sucked back in.

Throughout the relationship, our families would get together. Our kids were friends. It made it easy to see each other without hiding. I noticed early on, his youngest daughter had issues of her own...constantly whaling and crying to act like she got hurt to get attention. She was a teenager and would sit on her dad's lap in public, carress his back, hang all over him. He talked about her non-stop, as if the oldest didn't mean a thing. It was a little too close for comfort with me. I had an uneasy feeling and even told him at one point that it wasn't healthy. I now know that he's raising an N to be just like him.

Jealousy issues were huge. He emailed female co-workers and would flirt with them on-line. He had radar for the new MILF's that would arrive on his varsity teams. He was smooth and he knew it. I would confront and he would accuse me of not trusting him. NO KIDDING!?!?! "We are just friends. That's what friends do." Yeah, right. I don't tell my friends how hot they are and make plans to meet for coffee to chat. When a guy would flirt with me, all hell would break loose. Major temper tantrums. He even threatened to drive in front of an 18-wheeler. (I should have let him.) Double standards, eh? The rollercoaster resumed and it was one rocky ride. I was suckered back each and every time. All the while, my home and work life were suffering tremendously. I would sneak away for hours to be with him when I should have been with my kids. Hard lesson learned.

Sex was great (or so I thought until I started reading other threads). He was very much into porn...me being his porn star...and self-masturbation. I thought, "This is one guy tuned in to his sexuality. How nice." OMG, I am such an idiot!

Fastforward to the last three months. They were like the first three. Heaven on earth. I had my guy back. He was everything I wanted and more. We made plans to come clean to our spouses. We talked it over and rehashed it THOROUGHLY. I would say, "Are you certain you want to do this?" He would refute, "If it isn't you, it's nobody. I will go back to my dull life and sit in my chair and sulk." Red flags are everywhere and I'm just not seeing it. I even gave him the opportunity to take a break. Nope. He wanted me. He just didn't know how to get there.

Last week forced us to confront the issue. We were caught by his wife...having lunch at their house. Had she walked in 15 minutes earlier, there would have been no doubt. She and my husband were in denial. They refused to see what was happening before their eyes. And even though we were caught, she said nothing to me and walked out. Had the tables been turned, I would have been furious.

Separation and divorce discussions occurred throughout the week. We would meet to compare notes and I explicitly asked on our last day together, "If he asks if it is you, what do I tell him?" He said, "Yes." There wasn't a blink. I thought this was it. He had finally committed to us and was changing.

The next day I was confronted and I didn't lie. The truth was out and I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Our relationship no longer had to be a suspicion. As devestating as this would be to my kids, I would be happy, and as a result, they would be, too. We were going to move forward.

WRONG. When I broke the news to N that he was out of the closet so to speak, he immediately froze. The look in his eye was of evil. He went cold and said, "I can't go through with this. We are done." No emotion, no sorry, no maybe later. It was over. He tried to shed a tear, but now I know that was fake beyond belief. I was stunned, shocked, I went into a comatose state for the next 4 days.

UNBELIEVABLY, my husband chose to stick by me. Why is beyond my comprehension. As I stated, he's a saint. I told him everything. Left no stone unturned. If we were going to make this work, he had to know what he was up against. A lot of shed tears, but he has vowed we will make it through. My therapist told me, "now you may realize what it really feels like to be loved."

As I said when I started, it's been a week. I talked to him twice to clear the air and to somehow get a feeling for what the hell happened between last week and this week. How did I miss the signs? My girlfriend even said she thought he had changed. Instead, he walked away and left a family in shambles without thinking twice. I am as much to blame. Completely. I had so many opportunities to walk away and I didn't. I fed into his narcissistic supply. I now know I was used mentally, physically, and financially. It was all a game to him. That is the part I really am struggling with. I cared for him like no other. I was duped.

I have done so much research on NPD and have read hundreds of testimonials. It's like reading my life before my eyes. I came across a quote that was so timely. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him." I'd like to do my crying now and get it over with. Unfortunately, we live in the same small town. I'm bound to run into him somewhere.

Unless you are brainwashed by an N, nobody has any idea what we have gone through. I'm an educated woman with a great position and I didn't see it. Everybody else around me said how much of a jerk he was. He just caught me at a vulnerable time.

Here is best wishes and hopeful healing to all of you out there dealing with this tragedy.

Aug 12 - 6PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Lim

Lim I want to know how you feel about your husband. i know you said he is a saint but why do you really feel that way? Becuz he took you back and your BOTH ready to make your marriage work? Or just becuz he took you back? Do you want to be with your husband heart, body and soul becuz you love him & want to make it work? do you love him enough to give him your all?
Aug 14 - 9AM (Reply to #98)
Lim
Lim's picture

He's a saint

because after all I have put him through he still is madly deeply in love with me and wants to make this work. We began counseling last week and have a long road ahead of us. We cry a lot together about what this has done to us. He feels it may be the best thing that has ever happened. Because all of this is so fresh, I'm still in a confused state of being. Anger was the first week and now I'm thinking about all of the good times with the N...because he has contacted me several times and stopped to see me at work. He asked last night if I wanted him to contact me anymore. I told him it was impossible for that to continue if we are to make things work with our spouses. He chose his path and he must respect my wish to move on. Otherwise, I can't heal. He understood and agreed, but I doubt it will be the last I hear from him. My husband is a saint because there isn't anything he won't do for me. Absolutely nothing. Women would kill to have this individual in their lives...he cleans the house, does laundry, washes my car every week, he's an incredible role model for our kids. Yet, communication is lacking and we are working to make that better. He provides gifts of acts and while that is phenomenal, I need him as a person...a lover...and a friend. Yes, selfish, I know. Very selfish of me. He is very happy within, but as a result of my upbringing and the physical abuse I encountered, I do not know what it feels like to be happy within. Therapy, I hope, will help me do that. We are both very scared at what the future holds because we both know how I feel about the N. Once I see through the fog and the haze that it was all a facade, we will get there. I'm praying we do.
Aug 15 - 2PM (Reply to #99)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

lim

I don't think it's selfish of you at all to want your husband to be a person..a lover and a friend. When I met my xN I was married to a wonderful man. He provided for our family in all the same ways you mentioned..but I too wanted a partner a lover a friend. someone to communicate with and share thoughts and dreams. he wasnt that kind of man. I asked him to go to counseling but he said we would be fine and didn't need it. i remember telling him once...all I need you for is your paycheck the rest I can do on my own. I was very lonely in my marriage. Then I meet the N and we talked about our relationships...we could talk for hours. he understood everything I was saying. I found my soul mate. i divorced my husband and lived in hell for the next 9 yrs on and off w/the N. The talking stopped.the belittling began.the lies the cheating. My exhusband & I are the best of friends and his GF is perfect for him. she wants no committment & wants to come & go as she pleases like him. My xH never cheated on me he was just always preoccupied w/work & had no time for me & the kids. I hope and wish all the very best to you and your husband. Whether it works out or not is to be seen. I have one word of advise. don't leave your H for the N. If you want to leave then leave for yourself. If you leave H for N I promise N will D&D you. You're a challenge for him & once you leave you won't be. They love to think they are so fucking special that anyone & everyone will leave whatever they have for them. then laugh at us for being soo stupid. dont be me. Sorry i ranted on & on. but you sound soo much like where I was. And now 9 yrs after N I am here. You will be in my prayers.
Aug 15 - 3PM (Reply to #100)
Lim
Lim's picture

faithinthefuture

I can't thank you enough for your kind words and your ongoing support. Sometimes I feel like I am in a unique situation having had the affair with the N while still married. That s*cks in itself. My husband is trying, but I see so much of his dad in him. They are really good people. They just aren't great at expressing themselves at all. Communication entails of what is going on with yard, the house, or the car. Like you, N and I had conversations about anything and everything. My husband is so routine (eats the same exact lunch every single working day of the year) and spontanity is a foreign word to him. I'm hoping we can both grow together from this, but there are good days and bad days. Today is a bad one. I envy all of you who have made it to the other side and found peace within. With a lot of hard work and dedication, I'm hoping I can get there, too.
Aug 18 - 8PM (Reply to #101)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Lim

I'm sorry but I had to laugh when you said your hub eats the same exact lunch. My xH who I am very good friends with now had to eat lunch at noon every day. He still does! And I think we were/are looking not only for communication but for passion. i don't just mean physical. but for life. My xH didn't have that. I think we are both passionate women and give our all to life. We want(ed) that from our husbands. They're good honest men. But my marriage left me feeling empty. Like life was passing me by. And then came the N. Oh the passion and the filling my heart with all my desires! I had found my soul mate. I don't regret divorcing my husband. We have 2 beautiful children and we are the best of friends.' I regret ever getting involved w/the N. Not in the beginning but after being w/him on and off for over 9* yrs I regret who I became from being w/him. Peace comes a little at a time. And I know in my heart I will get strong again but I will never be the same because of my relationship w/the N. I find that sad.
Aug 12 - 4PM
sparky2009
sparky2009's picture

I believe in taking

I believe in taking responsibility where it is needed. But at this point you don't seem to really even acknowledge your part in this. All I can think about when I read your story is your husband and children. You really thought your kids would be happy in the long run having their mom run off with their coach? I don't mean to come off bold here but you 're worried about running into him and your kids are dealing with the backlash this has probably brought with it. I think this would be a great time for you to put yourself in their shoes and not in his .
Aug 14 - 9AM (Reply to #96)
Lim
Lim's picture

You are right

I want to believe I have taken full responsibility for what I have done...I came clean to my husband and told him everything. The lies were more than I could handle. It wasn't fair to him or my kids to see me so distant and not in the moment. I've caused a great deal of pain to my husband and kids. I see it in their eyes every day and that hurts tremendously. Because of my selfishness, I've caused a great deal of pain to them and the N's wife. You don't think about that when you are on the ultimate high...getting the attention that you have craved for so long. As my therapist said, it's like a drug...an addiction...and it's going to be a long road to recovery. Right now it's hard to put into words what I am feeling because I'm so confused and this is still in the beginning stages of healing. A good swift kick in the @ss is what I need and you've been bold enough to do that for me. So for that, I thank you.
Aug 9 - 9PM
Lim
Lim's picture

This just in

OH MY GOD...HE JUST SENT ME THIS: Hey, Um....this sucks...are we ever going to talk again......? hate me or not i miss you. What a no good, two-faced, lying b@stard!!! Apparently his wife isn't around and his new supply source hasn't responded quickly enough to his other messages.
Aug 11 - 11PM (Reply to #90)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Don't answer, don't answer,

Don't answer, don't answer, don't answer! want to inflict as much pain as possible and send the ultimate message, don't answer. Not a peep. Please, Please, Please, see it for the bullshit it is. What a MF. I know you want to tell him to vent all the anger, it will fall on deaf ears. But it will open a whole range of bullshit conversation. Stay strong. (sorry I didn't bother to asterisk anything this time)

almostlydia

Aug 12 - 1PM (Reply to #91)
Lim
Lim's picture

I did the ultimate NO NO

I answered. Not only did I answer, I let him have it. And you are right, it went on deaf ears. It just started a barrage of emails that he kept inflicting on me... -"as much as we love them, neither is you or me" -"i f*cked up. but the bottom line is you love me...you know it and i know it -"I just know there is not one person who makes me feel like you do. and there never will be." "its happiness with you ...that makes me happy. if we are meant to be, we will." -"i love you. I just know i do. f*cked up as I am, I do. and i know you do too." The list goes on and on and on. Then he stopped by my work today..."I just wanted to see you. To see that you are o.k." That led to another mouth battle (on my part) reaming his @ss out for bailing on me and not following thru...for leaving me to pick up the pieces while he destroyed my family. Now my head is in a tail spin. I was doing great with a week and a half of NC and now I'm back to square one. Go ahead, chew me out. I need it.
Aug 12 - 4PM (Reply to #94)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

My question

is when are you going to block his access to you? It's already traumatic for you that's clear, and it will only get more so. And "I love you. I just know I do." WTF is that? Like he says it then has to convince himself? But he only says that after he makes sure to tell you that you love him...because that's much more important to him. He's a big awful bottomless pit when it comes to attention seeking, and he's begging for you to make him feel better. This has nothing to do with you because as you well know... It's all about him. It's up to you whether or not you opt out of this bullsh*t game or not. I vote for you getting back to NC right now. :)
Aug 12 - 1PM (Reply to #93)
Used
Used's picture

lim

he uses these lines to every woman, exn, would write a text but not to a named woman, he send them out 6 at a time, who ever got back to him first, he would say only 5 to go, the text,s read like your list, just one missing, he sent you are my soul mate to 8 woman one day, needless to say this arsehole only done it when he was getting his text,s for free,i didnt get text,s like this, i was a diffrent kettle of fish. but he did use to say i know you love me, tell me you love me, i said to him one day, i bet even your mother didntlove you in the end.i also turned it round, by saying you know you love me, and you cant handle.lol, i also said you will be back, you cant live without me. i beganrepeating back to him every word he ever said to me .just like he used to do, everything he dished out i threw back at him, the more i read here i relize how boringly repetious they are.
Aug 12 - 1PM (Reply to #92)
Janet
Janet's picture

ok. He is mentally ill.

ok. He is mentally ill. You know it. By contacting him or having ANY connection with him is harmful to you. You know this. It is over. It never was. He used you. Don't let yourself continue to be used. Break the cycle and start getting well. It won't happen until you decide you want it to happen. This list of "he said this" and "then he did this" is the same for everyone who stays in contact. They are tedious losers. Be on your own side. Peace. J

Peace. J

Aug 10 - 3AM (Reply to #89)
broken23
broken23's picture

what is there to

what is there to miss? ofcourse, he misses you, he has no one idolizing him anymore. his wife is busy being a wife. and you arent paying any attention to him his worst fears all combined. bastard is correct!
Aug 9 - 10PM (Reply to #86)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Stay mad...

it'll help you get through it. He has no shame, but we already knew that didn't we? He gets today's What a Wankerâ„¢ award but as we've discussed on other threads, he neither gets to make a speech nor even know about it, because it would just go to his big fat head.
Aug 9 - 10PM (Reply to #87)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Wholeagain

just want to make sure that you have followed proper trademarking rules for this site: 1. The first time that you used the term "what a wanker"â„¢, do you use the â„¢ when you said it? 2. Have you noticed anyone else using "what a wankerâ„¢" without them giving you proper credit for the phrase? 3. Do you intend to patent, sell, or reproduce "what a wanker"â„¢ (sorry, on my 2nd glass of wine and a bit punchy!)
Aug 10 - 7AM (Reply to #88)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

That's it

LOML, hiring you as mk patent attorney to make sure I can get WAWâ„¢ through the trademark process. Two glasses of wine each to kick of every meeting! ;)
Aug 9 - 10PM (Reply to #73)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

That does suck

Because you already know he has moved on, but yet he still wants you too! Isn't that incredibly selfish! It is tempting to send him a simple email "jerk off!" you are right, he is going through his rolladex to troll. What a bastard!
Aug 12 - 1PM (Reply to #74)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

They do that, don't

They do that, don't they!?! go through their little black books, or in my N's case, the YELLOW PAGES because he was so pathetic, there was no other supply available without him having to go back to his HIGHSCHOOL buddies to go trolling for new supply. We were already 25, 26 at that time, so these were ppl he hadnt spoken to in fuckin' years! Thank God for my sake he happened to get lucky with that and it spared me the marriage from hell and a lifetime of misery!
Aug 12 - 1PM (Reply to #75)
Used
Used's picture

filofax

exn had a filofax going back to when he was 19, he phoned them one night[when he was bored i guess, either, moved, dead, married, or f..k off you useless tosser, and the one,s who had changed there number,s when he phoned them he was 45, who the hell has phone number,s 26 years, all together now.NARCS DO",and as for him having filofax, he was no yuppie, just an other of work bum. he phone fom his home one night for my other number, he got a pen but couldnt find paper, i got impatient, and said write it on your wall, you live in such a dump, it will just look like more graffite he was realy angry, but they can say what they like.
Aug 12 - 2PM (Reply to #76)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

LOL

This may sound like a sheepish question, but what exactly IS a filofax? Like a rolodex? BTW are you one of our British Sistas? When I read posts from the gals in the UK, I understand a lot of the lingo, as my mom and grandma both immigrated to US, I am first generation american. I understand "tosser" and I love it! Makes me ROTFL!
Aug 12 - 3PM (Reply to #82)
Used
Used's picture

shanynasmommy

yes i am from uk, and have question, what does any refrence to kool aid mean. and having blueballs, thank you. i feel a bit sad about those 2 narc,s tonight, they were always so impressed with posuers and crime books with villians, just like the little boys they realy are, when narc first visited my home he banged on about everything beign buetiful, but fellin lovewith my flat screen tv. it was just a little tv, nothing special, but cos it had a flat screen he was so impressed, to the point i thought he was pretending, but no he ment it. weird. i know they were drawn to my strenghth, and relied on me big time, but when the chips were down, neither was there for me.
Aug 12 - 4PM (Reply to #84)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Answers for used

Having "blueballs" means that you haven't had sex in a long time and you feel like you are going to explode if you don't get some soon. Men say that a lot more than women because were not that dramatic about it. "drinking the kool-aid" means swallowing the bullshit someone feeds you and essentially being brainwashed. It refers to the whole Jonestown incident in South America in the 1970's. If you don't know about that basically this preacher, Jim Jones started a cult and moved them down there to live in a "utopian" society. But he was into dirty dealings and when the feds closed in on him, he chose the cowards way out and convinced his followers to drink kool-aid laced with poison. Whole families were wiped out, children, babies. The ultimate sick narc. And yeah, N's are into "stuff." My boss is an N, but I can deal with her because I know how and shes a female, not a love interest, so she can't hurt me. She is sooooo materialistic. And just for laughs, once when I was a kid, I said "bloody hell" to my grandma not knowing how bad that was in the UK, and she smacked me upside the head. No pause, even, just WHOOBANG! LOL!
Aug 14 - 9AM (Reply to #85)
Used
Used's picture

shanya,smommy

thanks for the info, i do remember reading of the jonestown incident, tragic beyong belief.x
Aug 12 - 4PM (Reply to #83)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Used

Kool aid is usually a reference to the mass suicide at Jonestown, The good Rev. Jim Jones mixed...cyanide I think? Into big vats of kool-aid which what, 900 people drank. So when you hear something like "don't drink the kool-aid" it's don't follow the herd or just a general warning. Blue balls, I guess when I guy gets all excited but no release it is reallyreally uncomfortable and they call that blue balls. Like not enough oxygen to them lol!
Aug 12 - 3PM (Reply to #80)
wasabouthim
wasabouthim's picture

twat

do you get the word TWAT - its my fav !!!
Aug 12 - 4PM (Reply to #81)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

wasabouthim

OH YES, I do know that one.....pretty descriptive, too!
Aug 12 - 3PM (Reply to #77)
Used
Used's picture

shanya,smommy

yes ,in away its like a notebook, but in the 80,s we had the yuppies, who in away renamed ever thing, very narcsistic, lol, so what was a phone book ended up a filofax, in other word,s a book, he realy is a pratt, the more i think back to his lunacy,carrying his passport around for id, he aint ever been on holiday ,let along out of england, he is a peasant, he went for a chinese meal with a woman, the waiter bought a small bowl to the table, with hot water and lemon in it, too clean your hand,s he drank it,and my exh we went to a realy big xmas banquet, while waiting for food he has picked up a bread roll and said i want some jam [jelly] on he heaped it on the roll, but it was damson sauce to have with turkey. 2peasants one after the other what are the chances.
Aug 12 - 4PM (Reply to #78)
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Oh used, that is PRICELESS...

You should post that on the "let's make fun of them" thread!
Aug 15 - 9AM (Reply to #79)
Used
Used's picture

correction.cranberry sauce v damson jelly

if i wrote all the thing those two had done on,"lets make fun,i would have no fingersprints left, but i will one dayx i wrote a story about exh, useing damson jelly on a roll at a fancy xmas meal, it wasent, damson jelly , it was cranberry sauce, that goes with turkey, when i relized it realy pissed me off, i am a bit of a perfectionist, and i was at someones house today, telling them, and relized when she told me i got the name wrong, so had to come home to correct it, how sad is that. i suppose i wasa fodder for n,s, cos i used to say to them, no leave it, i will do it, cos they wouldnt do it propley, oh well having a realy down day to day, rambling on like this.i feel so shitty today, like whats the point in anything.