The Path Forward Virtual Retreat Febuary 2021!



Parasite Free

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Aug 9 - 3PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Lim

Shaking, yeah. Me, too. All day. Hang in there. I"m so sorry!
Aug 9 - 1PM
Lim
Lim's picture

@SSHOLE!!!

I just learned that he already has someone in the works. As much as I have read and read and read and tried to prepare myself, I am shaking!!! That @sshole didn't even wait a week before he went on the prowl again. And he's doing it while he is on vacation with his wife. HOW NICE.
Aug 12 - 3PM (Reply to #70)
wasabouthim
wasabouthim's picture

how

lucky was I, after a year and half of abuse - he went on the prawl within 2 weeks but still trying to get back with me
Aug 9 - 9PM (Reply to #69)
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

It Hurts, But it Might Just be a Door Closer

Lim, I KNOW that this must be horrific for you now as you are still fresh with the discovery, but I hope that tomorrow you can begin to close the door with this revelation. Thank God you're away from him - we love you!
Aug 9 - 3PM (Reply to #68)
better off
better off's picture

Be glad you are not his

Be glad you are not his wife... and didn't become his wife. Sorry, I know it sucks, and it's infuriating... but hopefully it will help you detach further from any fantasy that you could have been happy with this snake. He would be doing this exact thing whether you two were broken up or not. Even having ONE mistress isn't good enough for them!
Aug 9 - 1PM (Reply to #67)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Typical Narc

I know how bad it feels even if you've tried to prepare yourself. Hopefully it's anger that you're feeling more than anything. And...you need to get off the narc info train darlin. It's only going to keep you on a rollercoaster that much longer and you have your own work to do. xoxo
Aug 9 - 1PM (Reply to #65)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

There is nothing that can

There is nothing that can prepare you for it. I get the shakes when I see a car that might be his or walk in a place I know he could be. I know that he always had a supply chain lined up because he would die without it but seeing it firsthand or hearing about it would still be like a knife. I know it's going to happen but I know I won't react the way I would like. Just remember, as I know I will remind myself when the time comes, what the new one is going to get. It will be the same as you, they will do to them what they did to us. You'll be ok, just remember they never change. Hang in there.

almostlydia

Aug 9 - 3PM (Reply to #66)
Lim
Lim's picture

Thanks for the reality check

So glad I have you guys to remind me what he isn't. Yes, I'm not his wife. Thank God it didn't get that far. I just sit and stare in mind-boggling wonder as to how I stayed for as long as I did. There were so many red flags. I even built walls and he told me so, "you've got your wall up again." Well, no wonder! I did wake up this morning and told to myself, "I no longer have that gut ache or that sinking feeling in my heart that may lead to a horrible day with this man."
Aug 8 - 9AM
gingercat
gingercat's picture

I too fell into this trap at

I too fell into this trap at around the same age after enjoying 20+ years of marriage with my high school sweetheart. I now realize that so many factors made me vulnerable to the Narc and I was so naive having led such a sheltered life that I was probably one of his easiest targets. The really sad part is that I did turn away from my H and divorced (our kids were grown) so I could live the dream with the N. I was the heroine in one of those bodice-ripping novels and he was the dashing cavalier. It makes me sick to think of how stupid I was. Fast forward 13 years and you now have a broken middle-aged lady who has PTSD from the years of gaslighting. I have been isolated from my former friends and family as the dysfunction of living with a psychopath - N pervaded my life. When we are at our sexual prime, in our forties, I think these guys are like sharks in the water. We can't even dip in a toe w/out being pulled in and half the time we wade right into their jaws. I promise you that you are so much better off getting away with all the pain I know you are going through now than trying to get away later. It may be difficult for a while but nothing like the mess you would have encounterd actually trying to live with one of them. I now envy the women who got past their 40's intact and can enjoy their lives instead of being stuck with an 'old' N who is not a pretty sight.
Aug 8 - 3PM (Reply to #63)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Dont feel that you are

Dont feel that you are somehow responsible for this abusive relationship you were in. Narcs are very good at disguise. Even the most intuitive, educated and beautiful women can be duped. This is what makes them the most dangerous creatures on earth! xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 8 - 3PM (Reply to #58)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Ns are never pretty

No matter what an Ns age is once we find out the truth about them they are all ugly! WE are beautiful tho! I was married when I met the N.And 42. My H was(is) a good man but our marriage was empty & I wanted to go to counseling. XH said we'll be okay this will pass. i felt like life was passing me by. I craved that soulmate connection. I became involved w/N and sometimes I think God is punishing me for that. I too ended my marriage. in my defense I knew in my heart I would long before the N came into my life. And like you I am sick to my stomach to how stupid I was. I'm at the point that that is what makes me cry my heart out. Not cuz I miss him or want to be with him. But that I was that stupid. I pray never again.
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #59)
Aliveagain
Aliveagain's picture

This resonated with me so

This resonated with me so much. My exact same emotions. I felt like life was passing me by. I craved that soulmate connection. I became involved w/N and sometimes I think God is punishing me for that. I too ended my marriage. in my defense I knew in my heart I would long before the N came into my life. And like you I am sick to my stomach to how stupid I was. I'm at the point that that is what makes me cry my heart out. Not cuz I miss him or want to be with him. But that I was that stupid. I pray never again.
Aug 8 - 11PM (Reply to #62)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

God is not punishing you

She is teaching you. I know, I know, God could have made our lessons come on a soft fluffy pillow rather that a freight train, but maybe we don't learn enough otherwise. Faith... When you come to the edge of all the light you have, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly. ~ Patrick Overton ~

Nevergoback

Aug 8 - 8PM (Reply to #60)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

We'll be ok

aliveagain we'll be ok. I ask for Gods forgiveness every day. And I know he forgives me becuz the N is gone. Its why we are where we are now. God bless your heart. For everything bad that happens...something good happens.
Aug 8 - 9PM (Reply to #61)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Asking God for guidance and then forgiveness

I prayed everyday for clarity for years, and especially once the DDs started to help me understand what to do. And amazingly, God gave me a very clear answer. the same week that I was struggling the most as to what to do with our relationship (last September), because N was pressuring me to define a bonus structure for the two of us, and I wasn't sure if I wanted him around anymore...so couldn't put my heart into defining a bonus structure.... Well about 1 - 2 weeks into this, the owner came into my office one night and told me that he had decided to terminate N because he had become aware of an incident where N betrayed him and another incident where N was disrespectful to him and it just made him feel uncomfortable and he therefore wanted me to take Ns job. I felt such relief that God had spoken and given me an answer to my confusion, and I just need to let God's plan continue to unfold! Also, when N and I first discussed working together...I thought wow "this is God's decision...he wants me to be with N!" because all of these strange coincidences were unfolding and a perfect opportunity presented itself for both of us. I thought - if this came together so magically, it must be God's plan for us to be together. Well, in hindsight, it appears that God's plan was for me to be with N on a daily basis so that I could see that he was and N and then his plan was to purge the N out of my life with him getting fired.....
Aug 8 - 10AM (Reply to #52)
Lim
Lim's picture

Thank you for your honesty

I do know that this worked out for the best. I feel for those of you who have been trapped for years on end. It is the most horrible feeling in the world. I no longer wake up with a sick stomach, dry heaves, and the runs. While I mourn what I thought existed, that's just it...it didn't exist. I have more anger now than anything. I am pissed as hell that I let someone use me the way he did. It's total brainwash. Total. It doesn't matter how smart or educated your are, they know exactly what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. They are the worst predators. I often wonder if there will be a law against these individuals some day and what they do to victims. Hang in there. You are very strong for sharing your story and for making it this far. Consider yourself blessed for seeing the light of day. It can only go up from here.
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #57)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

There is a law!

A decade ago, when my ex-Psychopath professor emotionally abused me, one of my friends said that I had grounds to sue him for "intentional infliction of emotional harm." It is on the books. Emotional abuse IS unlawful.
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #56)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Sorry, double post

Double post.
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #53)
Aliveagain
Aliveagain's picture

France recently introduced a

France recently introduced a law against psychological abuse. Possibly only good in theory, try getting that through in court though!
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #54)
better off
better off's picture

Well, personally, I think

Well, personally, I think that sucks, because it will be the psychopaths trying to use it against their victims. How would you like to end up on trial for psychologically abusing the psychopath? Somehow, that's what I picture.
Aug 8 - 4PM (Reply to #55)
Aliveagain
Aliveagain's picture

Its funny that you say that

Its funny that you say that actually - hence my comment re good in theory. My own FRIENDS didn't believe me! Said I was exaggerating and reading into things that didn't exist. That he was a great guy. So yes, I agree.
Aug 8 - 7AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Lim

I just read your story and wanted to say I am very sorry you have been through this. My problems really started with my marriage, which I just could not bear to leave, so I became involved with someone else before I was divorced. It opened up a nightmare world, so I understand what you were going through. After my divorce, I met my narc, who had obviously been sent from Heaven as a reward for being so forgiving to my husband for so long. He was everything to my daughters and me, but right before we were about to get engaged, he took in a four year old foster child without warning and turned his back on us. Just walked away and stared lying about having to work all the time so just the two of them could go to parties, out with friends, on his boat, etc. together. He no longer even wanted to be with us on Christmas or Thanksgiving. He wanted everyone to think he was a single parent rasing an orphaned. Now here were my own children losing a father figure twice in two years. He couldn't have care less. He said, "Oh, please. Tell them to grow up" when I told him they were heartbroken because he didn't seem to care about them anymore.
Aug 8 - 12AM
broken23
broken23's picture

They are all the same. I do

They are all the same. I do not understand why they need to destroy all existing relationships before they leave you all alone. Kids, marriage, boyfriends, it seems like there is always a excuse. I was not flowing with joy in my relationship but was ok, until the came along, and filled my head with how much better he could treat me and understands me. At first I wasnt willing to let him in my life, but he called me selfish and constantly made me feel like I had to give up my relationship right away. When i leave everything for him, he cant commit because hes not sure. What is their problems....ugh.
Aug 9 - 8PM (Reply to #46)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

I feel sick you guys

I had no idea that attempting to break up a marriage and then dumping the woman after she's changed her life for him was a common N trait. I am sick, sick, sick. But also, feel oddly at peace - like now I know that I was truly targeted and didn't stand a chance against someone who spent his entire life perfecting manipulation.
Aug 9 - 9PM (Reply to #49)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Morty amen

same thing here. my n was a master manipulator...move cross country, changed my whole life, took a new job, etc, etc....and he couldn't even respect me enough to not betray our relationship. Forget about "dumping" me. Even while he pretended we were business partners, he betrayed me behind my back (after I got him three jobs in 6 months!!!!!!!) and disrespected me. It is unreal when I think about that.
Aug 9 - 9PM (Reply to #47)
Lim
Lim's picture

Morty it's true...

All of us were targets and none of us stood a chance in hell. We just had no clue what was coming at us or what we would be up against once they dropped off the face of the earth. I'm a pretty smart woman and I never, ever, ever have seen an individual behave the way the N's do.
Aug 9 - 9PM (Reply to #48)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

LIm

same here. I'm a pretty smart woman and would have had no idea a Man (N) could manipulate like this to such precision. It all seems so believable...but we do have god's gift of the gut feeling and the red flag. By thankful that your N moved on so quickly, because it should make your NC all the more easier. It will help eliminate that 10% hope that we cling onto that drags this on for decades!
Aug 8 - 7AM (Reply to #45)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The vortex of destruction

My ex-Psychopath professor wanted it to be the same. Early on, he EXPECTED me to dump my friends, family and faith by the sidelines for him (maybe the OW was willing to do it-after all, he did marry her) But I didn't. I was skeptical. Who was he to judge my friends when I barely knew him? Who was I to dump my family when I didn't know his? I kept my friends. Believe me, they were my lifeline after he D&D'd me. It's very predatory. During the D&D, he wanted to turn everyone against me- classmates, his colleagues--he wanted me to feel outnumbered and overwhelmed, to be socially ostracized because I had made the unspeakable mistake of falling in love with him. It's like he wanted me to feel completely abandoned, to be despairing to the point of suicide. What sort of teacher WANTS his student to be depressed/suicidal?
Aug 8 - 12AM (Reply to #32)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

broken23

because they are predators. Same thing here...I was unhappy, but dealing with it. N comes along and fills my head with how he would be there for me emotionally and how he was ideal for me. I pulled back and did not contact him for 3 months....and he kept coming after me saying that he missed me and blah blah blah. Fast forward three years later and I've been DD.
Aug 8 - 1AM (Reply to #33)
broken23
broken23's picture

Sigh. I know i pulled back

Sigh. I know i pulled back so many times and he squirmed his way back in. It wasnt until he he had his 21 year old lined up he left. as many times as i think about it, it baffles me. i mean if they are going to leave us and cheat on us, does it really matter if are seeing other people. why the need to first convince us they are the love of our lives and of the happily ever after.