Paralyzed

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#1 Aug 16 - 10AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Paralyzed

Sorry, guys. I am just so stuck in a rut. I'm sick of it. I just want to get out of this and be me again. I am not the woman with dishes in the sink, clothes on the bed, unpaid pills, closets full of stuff I threw in because someone was coming over. I am not this person. I'm the one who makes a list every day and crosses everything off. I can't figure out how to get back there. I promised myself I would pay the bills today, do the laundry and get the car washed. I'm trying to do the bills, but everything is so hard. Just finding a pen, getting out the bill folder, getting out the check book, writing the checks, addressing the envelopes. everything is like pulling out my fingernails. I wish I could go into the narc's robot mode for a few days and just do everything I need to do all day, act the way I have to, and go to dinner with my friends at night. Ok. I'm going to pay my bills then come back on here and report them complete.

I can't believe this guy just walked away. It really does turn your whole life inside out, trying to comprehend that a person like this could exist, and that I was thrown away. Me! No one throws me away--ever!

Aug 23 - 12AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

I saw him for one minute, talked to him

My daughters and I are going to Las Vegas tomorrow. The narc called this morning and I did not answer. He texted and said,please see me for a minute tonight. I have a present for you. Of course, this is ridiculous. He never gave me presents except for pancreatitis and high blood pressure and alcoholism. i was curious. Not upset or hopeful, just curious. I have been taking massive B12 for three days (thanks, ladies, for the advice) and felt so very calm, so after many requests, I said, "I will come to your door. That's it." He said, "Thank you. Can you come at about ten?" I said, "Ok, call me when." So at MIDNIGHT he calls me and he's drop down drunk. I have already gone to sleep, being the self sufficient woman of today. He says this: "I'm sorry, honey. Tommy (the neighbor) came over and he needed to talk. He was in a bad way. He and his wife are not getting along so well. What could I do? Can you come now?" Um . . . no. It's so interesting how they put themselves out for others. Tommy is a cop who lives next door to him, so he needs him for good P.R. Never mind that your girlfriend of four years gave you one minute to do yourself right. don't even call. Just make the deal. jesus. so interesting too that anyone with women problems is top priority. Interesting, too, that Tommy has two children and the narc could neve walk next door to their birthday parties, though my daughters and I went every time, with presents and cards signed with all of our names. His excuse? "My foster chld is afraid to go because there are so many people in the yard." but the child isn't apparently afraid of being in a bar with a hundred people and music blaring every night. Did I mention that the night after he beat the crap out of me he went for his quarterly marriage duty? That means that four times a year he performs marriages all day Saturday. Tomorrow I'm going to Vegas!
Aug 22 - 5PM
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

helldweller

I just know you are gonna make it. Understand the drinking thing...I was drinking daily when I was with him and put the smack down on it after he kicked me to the curb. I feel so much better...you will, too. I love paranormal stuff...congrats on the interview. Please write a book about your experience with a truly disordered personality after you have made it to the otherside and have had time to get stable again. You have a gift, and it could help so many people. When you move, it's going to make a world of difference. But it won't go away overnight. It lingers like a bad dream...the worst nightmare you ever had. I hope that it goes away completely. Not sure if it does. I do know it will make you more of who you are if you let it. However, it colors your experience, possibly for the rest of your life. Unlike Orpheus, you will make it through the Underworld without looking back.
Aug 20 - 8PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Just one more

comment. Sorry, guys, I'm hanging on to you all for dear life. I just cannot freaking wrap my head around this guy. I cannot believe the piles and piles of hypocrisy and evil and lies and cheating and bullshit--and I was the nicest person in the world. I was the one girl the nuns at school singled out as convent material! The only one in four years they thought was destined for the convent. I had all the old ladies over for lunch just so they would have some company. I donated our tour buses so the school kids could go on field trips without having to rent them. I was doing volunteer work at school while the narc was on his way to fuck some broad in California. I took my husband back after he committed arson and went to prison. And this prick who is fucking other women and men and who ruined my and my daughters' lives is telling people everything is my fault! I potty trained his foster child! I took him to the doctor and dentist and bought him clothes! I got him out from under the dining room table the night he came! I took pictures of them together while my whole body was shaking from the shock! He is telling everyone that I'm nuts because he doesn't need me anymore. I'm sorry I'm hysterical; I guess it's the combination of not drinking and then seeing him roll up his window on me. I cannot wait to get out of here.
Aug 23 - 1AM (Reply to #68)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

'And this prick who is

'And this prick who is fucking other women and men and who ruined my and my daughters' lives is telling people everything is my fault!' Do your daughters feel like their lives are ruined? This sick man has f*cked up YOUR life, not ruined as if there is no where up for you to go from here. Get the f*ck out of there and in the meantime put something between you and his house and friends that drop by and all of that bullsh*t. But understand what you wrote above. He did not ruin your daughter's lives. He did not ruin your life. That is a very f*cked up way of thinking. RUIN is a permanent word and I would guess that is what is up to you. You want to let him 'be the ruin' of you and your girls then you have already made your mind up that he has that power to do so. How can you write about an interview here and an interview there and all the other exciting things we are hearing about and say he has ruined your life. Think girl. And while you are in Vegas, think about all the opportunities coming your way that 'HE' is being given the power to 'ruin' for you. What is the source of this power? YOU. Only you are giving him the power to ruin your life. take it back. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 23 - 1AM (Reply to #69)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

almostlydia

I took it back. It was so wonderful tonight when he said, "Are you coming?" and I said, "No." Period. I was sleeping and now I'm writing, but I'm writing calmly and happily. I completely see that now. That other people determine how much power he has. That he is an addict trolling for a fix. That he cannot function without it. Cannot live without it. Literally cannot live without it. He is an old man with no hope of happily ever after. Unfortunately, he has this poor kid he's dragging under his broken truck, but hopefully the powers that be--or maybe even his own fears-willl send that child to a good place sooner or later. Thank you.
Aug 24 - 12AM (Reply to #70)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

When you get out of that

When you get out of that environment, things will become more clear as you are no longer in ground zero. I know it's horrific being right there in it and moving is exactly the same as changing all our numbers and going absolute NC. It is a commitment to absolutely 'NO MORE'. That was the first huge step so I know you are trying so hard in the worst circumstances. You are doing SO WELL for being right there. Amazing how I only know you here and I can't wait for you to move in Oct. I'm counting the days when you can get to a place when it is possible to think about you, to begin to value you and love yourself enough to never let those that don't deserve you into your life. This ass did not deserve to have you, the arson guy did not deserve to have you. When you get out of that hell of living there, the ability to think about you will come from the removal of the constant hell next door. Enjoy your trip. Be free and most of all do not contact him in any way and give him that 'power' to keep using you so horrifically. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 21 - 2PM (Reply to #67)
better off
better off's picture

Helldweller... I know you

Helldweller... I know you are so confused that he would do this to you when you have been "the nicest person in the world" and helped him so much, but honey, THAT IS THE POINT. HE CHOSE you for that reason!!! Do you think he goes around looking for hardasses that won't enable his pitiful lifestyle?? Do you think he's on the hunt for selfish divas or for women who give til it hurts? I just now remember mine commenting on how he disliked the diva type so much. No doubt!! He's the damn diva. All the good qualities you have that you can't understand him taking advantage of, are the entire reason he got involved with you in the first place. And sadly... when you do give til it hurts, at some point, when it hurts THIS much, you need to ask yourself WHY? WHY do you feel compelled to be THAT giving? I ask you that because I had to ask myself that. I spent a loooong time working that out in my brain... not that I want to stop being a nice person, but maybe.. just maybe... I needed to look deep inside and find some balance. Maybe I SHOULDN'T be as giving as I am. A great book I got from the library last year was by Beverly Engel, it was a new title at the time. EXCELLENT reading. It's called Nice Girl Syndrome. I've been thinking of reading it again. I would look into it.
Aug 20 - 7PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Thank you for your congratulations

The shoot went really great today; the segments will air on Comcast's "Paranormal T.V." On Demand starting October 10th! I'm going to take a bath and watch some soothing t.v. with my little girls. I hate that son of a bitch and his lies and bullshit. I feel like some crusader for all that is good and kind, and he ain't it. That poor little boy. I remember the narc telling everyone when he came that "the neighbors said he was up every night until sometimes eleven o'clock and his mom was drinking and doing drugs in the kitchen." Shit. At least they were HOME! He went on and on about how there wasn't any decent drywall in the home. Yeah, at least he was HOME! They have been gone every single night for the last week and a half until eleven at night and sometimes overnight, and it's with different people every night, just drinking and smoking and probably with the narc screwing different people while the child is kept occupied with video games and t.v. This is a six year old child! I need to let go of this child, too. it's reallly, really hard.
Aug 20 - 7PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Son of a bitch

I am moving in October, none too soon. I came home with my girls today and the narc's friend (the only one I actually knew) was standing outside of his car. He called out hello to me and I went over to say hello and ask how he and his wife are. He has tinted windows and the freaking narc was in the car god dammit! He rolled down the window and I tried to just be polite. But then he rolled his window up on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I shouldn't have gone over, just waved hello, but I was just coming home and had bags of groceries and wasn't thinking and was happy to see the friend. Dammit! I'm so mad!
Aug 20 - 1PM
sarahb
sarahb's picture

are you still moving?

When do you move? I have a feeling life for you will be so much better once you move. Living near him, you are still living in his world, his drama, his crazy reality, and it is affecting you, as it would affect any normal loving human.
Aug 20 - 12PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

A minefield

. . . of memories, emotions, holding my breath, counting the minutes. This is day two and it's like I'm holding my breath constantly, hoping nothing happens, hoping I don't remember something, hoping I don't get too tired, hoping something isn't triggered. I know from all your experience and my own that if he doesn't hear from me soon he will pull out another gun--like the cancer proclamation in January. Will he bring someone over? Will he have a party? Will he tell me he's sick again? I try not to think about the possibilities, but I also feel that I need to steel myself for what's coming. I know something's coming. He would never, ever apologize or ask for me back, but I can't imagine he will let it end. For Christ's sake when he was actually in love with me for two weeks he still had women on the side, so even if he's "in love with" someone else now, I'm thinking he's not going to let it go with me this easily. I hear that "Jaws" music again . . . dah . . .dum. dah . . . dum, dah dum da dum da dum da dum . . . . . jsut waiting for the attack. How do you guys deal with this. It's a mounting feeling
Aug 20 - 8AM
janine
janine's picture

good girl, helldweller

Well done, when this must be extremely hard for you living next to him. After seeing my ex because of that funeral this week, I really can see how difficult it is for you and why you would sometimes feel you needed a drink or two. Hopefully you will be able to move away from there. Have a wonderful weekend and relax.
Aug 20 - 7AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Tigger

Thank you for that. I am going to remember the no eye contact, since he lives right here. I remember the last time we were broken up I was weeding out in front and he came out of the house and walked by me and looked at me with those eyes. Ugh. We had talked before on here about our own desire to win being at the forefront. I found, yesterday, that challenging myself to not look, not drink, not care really helped a lot. I am definitely going to make sure I avoid eye contact even if I can't avoid being within thirty feet of him.
Aug 19 - 9PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

I did it

I did not contact him today. He has been gone since eleven o'clock this morning yet again. I closed my drapes when we came in from playing an hour ago and for the first time I think ever--I didn't look to see if he was home yet. I'm going to bed. I have an interview for a cable show tomorrow. I already see him more clearly.
Aug 20 - 7PM (Reply to #59)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Congratulations!

If there's anyone who NEEDS success right now (and DESERVES it), it's you. Congratulations on the cable interview! May it go well! Go shine!
Aug 20 - 6PM (Reply to #58)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

That's Great!!!

Good luck with the cable interview, Helldweller. I hope you get a good nights sleep.
Aug 19 - 3PM
janine
janine's picture

Stop

Quote "if you do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten." Try to remember this, hard as it is. Do not stop telling us about it though. What about replacing those drinks with some calming herbal teas?
Aug 19 - 4PM (Reply to #56)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Janine

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." So ironic, because I used to tell the narc that, trying to reason with him that if we did not change some things that things would never get better. He simply could not or would not see that. Would not, I'm betting. So there was me, trying to remove my human reactions and emotions to try and make it work. Ridiculous.
Aug 19 - 3PM (Reply to #53)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

oh and I so do agree with

oh and I so do agree with the herbal tea thing. When I am hungover, nothing feels o.k. Everything in moderation. That means everything.....food, drink, THOUGHTS, exercise......oh it is so easy for me to say all this now. You will get there, but you must stop punishing yourself. And like Janine said, keep talking to us. If I go back and read thru my early posts when I first joined here.....wow. I was low. Sad, suffering. I have sat at this computer, drunk and crying.....been there. Hang in there. Hour by hour, day by day, but start to honor YOURSELF. Just knowing that there were people out there, all of you, that knew what I was going thru, even though I have my family, you all meant the world and still do. Stay here with us, you are loved.
Aug 19 - 4PM (Reply to #54)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Tigger

Thank you. I know I can do this. I can't believe I actually got to the place where I threw him out of the house. I never would have done that if it weren't for this board. I joined in April, and it's been awful, but there definitely IS progress.
Aug 20 - 6AM (Reply to #55)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

here's something that works

here's something that works fabulous for me.....I have to have contact with him because of children....BUT, I have not made eye contact in like 6 weeks. i have not looked at this mans face. I don't know what I'd do or how I'd break down or feel if I did. I am seeing him as an empty shell. That makes me sad, because if he was my little boy, I never would have hurt him like his parents hurt him, esp his father. That part will forever haunt me that he was not born that way.....very sad. But as my counselor said, how many people does he have to take down with him?? HE is truly a victim, and the kids and I don't HAVE to be. I hope you have a better day today. Hang in there.
Aug 19 - 3PM
tigger73
tigger73's picture

Dear Friend, you are

Dear Friend, you are suffering for something you are now doing to your own self. you are staying in a very bad place, that crazy place....I'm not saying you are crazy, what has been done to you can make you crazy, and you have to get out of that place. I know I mentioned this before, but until I started taking lexapro, I was in that crazy, obcesssing place. I called my best friend, my Dad Mom sister everyone begging them to tell me, "is that normal?" now was "taht normal".....blah blah blah and eveyrone said, "HELL NO" and why would you think that is ok?????? We can't make sense of these people because they are so broken, and we are not. We think rationally, they don't. You are going to keep going in circles..... you are going to get unhealthy, it's going to make you drink more.....now I am to a point when I have a cocktail, it is a relaxing, celebration glass of wine, celebrating the peace of mind I have and the peace in my home. YOU DESERVE THE SAME THING!!!! You are a human being here on this earth and God didn't put you here to SUFFER!!!!!! I am so angry at these stupid ass NARCHEADS......I wish I could just lift you out of the fog, but I can't. Damnit. What is happening too, the more you obsess, the more stressed you are, you are using up all the serotonin in your brain. now you have very little to help you cope with eveyday stress, hence, a nervous breakdown on the way. You need something like a serotonoin reuptake inhibitor, AKA ANTIDEPRESSANT, that will keep your serotonin where it needs to be, please believe me on this. I am a nurse and a NARC victim for a long long time. WAS A VICTIM. I'm sorry if i sound too harsh. I HATE when good people are treated like shit, I always have and I always will. And I do have some rage in me, leftover from the abuse I suffered, and I almost headbutted a woman at a Survivor concert this past weekend......and I still wish I would have done it. That's my next step is getting rid of leftover anger. Honey, good luck. :)
Aug 19 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Just talking again

Ok. Here's another day where I promise myself I'm not going to have any contact with him. Yesterday was bad. Him being gone again for days got me so freaking angry. I sent him this: "Honey, where are you. I miss you so much" which is what the OW always texted him, usuallly when we were in the middle of sex, which always made me rage and made him leave. So I was just so freaking mad that he was gone again and had nothing but time to go away with his child or some other woman though he never had time for me. So I texted it like twenty times in a row, hoping he was with someone and it would upset her and scare him. So like two hours later he came home and texted me, "Do you want me to come over?" "No, I want the truth and an apology." "You have the truth. I'm sorry." "So I was right all along." "I got off your merry-go-round. I'm not doing this again." "You let me leave rather than meet her." "Just friends. But forget it, really." And that was the end of it. Except that he got in the car again and left for eight more hours, during which time I put the shirts he gave me in a bag and wrote him a note about how the last guy who gave me a shirt to wear went to fight in the Gulf War and wished he could be with me. He didn't give me a shirt because he lived thirty feet away and couldn't stand to be in the same house with me. I was so determined not to do this anymore, and here I left him be in control again, to walk away again, to not care again. I let him blame me again (My "merry go round") let him be the stable, polite, in control one again ("not doing this again") , let him dismiss me again ("forget it, reallly.") I left him a crazy person note again, acted like a freak again. I know that the day I stop is the day I get back my dignity. And the sooner I stop the sooner he will be the one in a panic, the one afraid, the one with no control over the situation. I HAVE TO STOP THIS TODAY. I think a huge part of my problem with NC is that I have been drinking most of the day to steady my nerves and, by the time late afternoon rolls around, my mind starts messing with me again and the alcohol starts taking over. I try so hard not to, but I get so nervous and scared.
Aug 19 - 2PM (Reply to #44)
better off
better off's picture

He doesn't care

This is what you have to start telling yourself. And it's the truth. He doesn't care. You can't text anything, or any number of times, that will make him care. And it's not because you aren't worth caring about, it's because he CAN'T care. He's broken. Do you or do you not believe that he is a narcissist? I'm completely serious. Is He A Narcissist? Actually yours seems to be a psychopath, but he's at LEAST a narcissist. Have you truly accepted this or not? Again, I see you throwing yourself against barbed wire, and begging the barbed wire to stop hurting you. You know what, I'm wrong actually... he does care in a way. He LOVES it that you're angry... he LOVES it that you are stewing while he's gone, and that you text him over and over again, he LOVES it that you cannot stop thinking about him or bothering him. HE LOVES IT. He's king of the world!!! Just like he loved having OTHER women going crazy thinking YOU were the special one and leaving crazy notes and shit on YOUR car. He's the ringmaster of a three ring circus in that town! No contact is NOT about revenge, it's for the victim, but in your case where you are SO determined to make some kind of impact on him, which is IMPOSSIBLE and you are just playing into his hands EVERY time, the ONLY IMPACT YOU CAN MAKE IS NO CONTACT. It is the only thing that could possibly ever bother them, to lose power and control over you. Right now he has total power over you. And, sweetie... drinking does not "steady your nerves." It sends them wildly out of control. The number one advice I can give any victim is to avoid drinking as much as possible. It always leads to loss of control and stupid interactions with the narc, and again.. HE LOVES IT!!!!
Aug 19 - 3PM (Reply to #46)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

betteroff

So far, so good today. You are absolutely right about the drinking. Have not had a drop today and I feel 1000% better; stable, functioning, far from any interest in contacting him or even trying to hurt him in some way. I found the shirts I gave him back last night on my steps this morning. I know it's some bizarre way to keep connected to me, and I actually put them in the goodwill box instead of bringing them back inside. Thank you for responding to me. I know this won't be easy but the completely insanity and danger will at least be over
Aug 19 - 4PM (Reply to #47)
better off
better off's picture

I posted this on the other

I posted this on the other thread too, but I wanted to say that I did the same thing (drinking), so I'm in no way judging you, I just know it doesn't help. It makes it worse, and makes me much more depressed. And puffy! lol Who wants to be puffy? ;P Take a lot of B vitamins instead. Drinking depletes them, and that makes you feel crummy too. B vitamins are happy pills. :)
Aug 19 - 5PM (Reply to #48)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

betteroff

Intriguing. A cousin was telling me a few months ago that he read a study of how sometimes people whose vitamin B stash is depleted by trauma actually end up going insane from the lack of vitamin B.
Aug 19 - 7PM (Reply to #50)
better off
better off's picture

Hard core alcoholics do go

Hard core alcoholics do go crazy from lack of thiamine... psychotic and violent. (Mel Gibson???) Australia considered ADDING thiamine to alcohol because it's a big problem.
Aug 19 - 5PM (Reply to #49)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

More on vitamin B

Vitamin B12 is basically essential for one's sanity. It's in abundance in eggs, dairy (vegans have to take supplements to get it) Vitamin B12 is pretty important!
Aug 19 - 2PM (Reply to #45)
terri
terri's picture

thanks!

Better off - thanks for your comments! I read them a couple of times and they made ME feel so much stronger. Everything you're saying is so completely right. I've been broken up with my ex-N for 6 months now but have only been NC for three weeks. In times of weakness and doubt, I would contact him and I KNOW for a fact that gave him complete power and satisfaction. Being NC has given me so much strength and best of all, the time and distance to begin seeing the forest again, instead of all those trees (if you know what I mean). I'm so glad I have found this site! Terri

Believe in yourself!
Terri