Paralyzed

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Aug 18 - 6PM
helldweller
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You were inappropriate

Susan, yes, you and me totally inappropriate. It took me so long to realize this meant inappropriate for his universe, and not for the ordinary universe that everyone else lives in. I can't imagine his criteria for devaluing you as a teacher. "Susan is dangerous to children because she lives in a world I don't understand, where feelings matter, love matters, and things outside of your own desires hold weight." Off with your head.
Aug 18 - 6PM (Reply to #42)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Karma's payback

There is a HAPPY ENDING to this story. I moved back to Oregon. I eventually got a teaching job there. I was successful. My supervisors thought I was marvelous. I left on good terms... I had left to get a job in California. Having a psychopath in my life was an odd blessing in disguise. I was the teacher most often assigned a severely autistic student. The autistic and psychopathic have scarily similar brains, but it's the autistic who, for the most part, lack malice. The little boy was lost in his own world about dinosaurs. It was a task to get him to look me in the eye. I managed to help him progress in reading. As for ex-P, he married, he had kids... and his parents are living with him, raising his kids (and him) Thus karma acts over a decade.
Aug 18 - 6PM (Reply to #41)
Susan32
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Karma's payback

There is a HAPPY ENDING to this story. I moved back to Oregon. I eventually got a teaching job there. I was successful. My supervisors thought I was marvelous. I left on good terms... I had left to get a job in California. Having a psychopath in my life was an odd blessing in disguise. I was the teacher most often assigned a severely autistic student. The autistic and psychopathic have scarily similar brains, but it's the autistic who, for the most part, lack malice. The little boy was lost in his own world about dinosaurs. It was a task to get him to look me in the eye. I managed to help him progress in reading. As for ex-P, he married, he had kids... and his parents are living with him, raising his kids (and him) Thus karma acts over a decade.
Aug 18 - 1PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Just talking

Just talking myself through another day. He's been gone two days now, just another example of being perfectly capable of making overnight plans with anyone else because he actually wants to, but telling me for four years that "I'll see if I can get some time off or an afternoon off, etc etc." I actually went for a walk this morning with my daughters. It felt nice, but numb. It feels like he died. But worse, because he's not gone by accident but on purpose. Why can't they be civil and show some kindness when they leave? If they can fake empathy why can't they fake it now? At the end? Why can't they pretend to be sorry, pretend to think they were at least partly at fault? Don't they know this is normal? Dont they want to look human? I am sure the narc is in California again, with the woman he just had to see when we were most "in love" two summers ago.
Aug 18 - 6PM (Reply to #37)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The cruel departure

Ns/Ps are like guests who have to trash the place before they leave. They can't even leave gracefully. I remember telling my ex-Psych professor that by congratulating him on his engagement, I was giving MYSELF closure, that it wasn't for him. I know, during the D&D I wondered my ex-P was incredibly rude and cruel, why he didn't fake empathy and understanding. He didn't make ANY apologies. He'd always say mechanically "You acted inappropriately/you were inappropriate." An inhuman lack of remorse. I wouldn't have minded some fake remorse. The absolute cruelty at the end was what shocked me... coming from the man who was my professor, my mentor. "Don't they want to look human?"-I told him the same thing. I said that by bullying and publicly humiliating me, he made HIMSELF look bad. I tried to appeal to his vanity, the love of his image... and it DID NOT REGISTER. His final words to me before NC were "you were inappropriate." I have never heard from him since in the past decade. In the end, he still had to dish out the evasion, the blame, the refusal to take responsibility. And once I went NC, he falsely accused me of being dangerous to children (so I lost my teaching job). What a loser.
Aug 18 - 6PM (Reply to #38)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Susan

fake remorse, yes, I would have loved (would love right now) some of that. I would love for us to collapse in each other's arms and cry and say, Sorry, sorry, bad timing. And say, like in the movies, "Friends? Friends." and shake hands. Ain't freaking never gonna happen. He decided from day one that I was going to hurt him, that I was going to be still in love with my husband and too busy with my children to love him. That was my role and god dammint, I'm gonna play it for him if it's the last thing I ever do. I'm going to hurt him, in his mind, so he can tell everyone that.
Aug 18 - 8PM (Reply to #39)
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

Friends? Friends.

And then I would say NOT!!!! cuz even that would be a lie on his part. I just told my best friend last nite I don't even want that w/him. I want NOTHING to do w/him. helldweller don't get me wrong. If I knew I could believe him and we could be friends it would be a good thing but knowing and seeing first hand what he's really like I'm never going to let that happen. he'd just use my friendship too.
Aug 17 - 9PM
tigger73
tigger73's picture

oh..... let me tell you

oh..... let me tell you this. My exnh gave me 3 high risk strains of HPV. I have pap smears every 3 mths. I had this diagnosed 6 yrs after I was married to him, to the HIM that admitted to me he had sex with over 100 women before he settled down and married me. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!!! What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. I was too busy BELIEVING his bullshit. I was not promiscuis (sp) before him. SO, I hear you when you would love to expose him. I think my exnh should be registered with the health dept for this plague he's inflicted on me!!!!!!! I will deal with this for the rest of my life. What a jerk. Put an explitive in front of it......
Aug 19 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

STD

tigger73 I can relate somewhat. After I went back to him, 9months later an STD showed up in our life on him. Nice of him right off the bat telling me "I'm not mad at you, we shouldnt point fingers, ok?" I was into my dr. so fast and then every month i get checked, even now we have been separated since June. the thing that blew it for me was how he said he was "too afraid to get checked and find out what it was", not that it mattered to him if i got it or not. And funny how when I refused to have sex with him, he got mad at ME! finally I had to book him an apt with my Dr. and sure enough he had it! It was all about him, he didnt even see I cared about his sexual health and future, oh no, he was scared to find out what it was. I feel sorry for the newbie Gf, now she can take care of him. Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Aug 19 - 3PM (Reply to #34)
Amy
Amy's picture

OMG!!!!! Mine did the same

OMG!!!!! Mine did the same thing. He gave me an STD and BLAMED me! It popped up on him first, showed up on me a week later. He sent ME to the doctor bc he was too embarassed to get it checked out! Then when I found out what it was, he said *I* gave it to him. This - the same guy who has a VIP membership to a strip club... I am so sure he never paid those girls for something extra. The same guy who dates white trash when we are apart. Yeah, right! /rant
Aug 20 - 2PM (Reply to #35)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

... Amy

Frightening isn' it? How it us that take the fall and the responsibility? All we wanted was to care about our sexual realtionship and precious petals and they only care about themselves. good god! I'm out of it, are you? Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Aug 18 - 6PM (Reply to #32)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

tigger

Jesus. What a complete freak. The most bizarre thing is that he probably didn't accept that he had anything. Just like mine didn't accept that he had freaking cancer. Didn't fit in with their worldview. Yours SHOULD be on some sort of public service roster; I truly think mine should too! Just like child predators.
Aug 18 - 6PM (Reply to #31)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

tigger

Jesus. What a complete freak. The most bizarre thing is that he probably didn't accept that he had anything. Just like mine didn't accept that he had freaking cancer. Didn't fit in with their worldview. Yours SHOULD be on some sort of public service roster; I truly think mine should too! Just like child predators.
Aug 17 - 9PM
tigger73
tigger73's picture

oh..... let me tell you

oh..... let me tell you this. My exnh gave me 3 high risk strains of HPV. I have pap smears every 3 mths. I had this diagnosed 6 yrs after I was married to him, to the HIM that admitted to me he had sex with over 100 women before he settled down and married me. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!!!! What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. I was too busy BELIEVING his bullshit. I was not promiscuis (sp) before him. SO, I hear you when you would love to expose him. I think my exnh should be registered with the health dept for this plague he's inflicted on me!!!!!!! I will deal with this for the rest of my life. What a jerk. Put an explitive in front of it......
Aug 17 - 2PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Janine and Janet

Yes, I know. I'm so desperate to impose some sort of sense on my life in the face of the glaring, glaring nonsensical reality: he is gone, and he never loved me. I am so happy I am moving soon, and I'm so happy my daughters and I are going away on Monday. I know I should be happy I've gotten to the point where he truly doesn't seem interested even in playing the game anymore, but it's like someone said before: like turning on the lights in the nightclub and seeing how nasty and fake everything really was. It's eye opening but also incredibly disconcerting, crushing, heartbreaking. A year ago, I was getting ready to go to school. Part of the whole plan was to get away from him. I was going to just go to school every morning and stay there all day until it was time to pick up my daughters. After a few weeks, the sheer torment of trying to compete with his goals for me destroyed my intentions. I think he literally complained to me that I wasn't home one day when he wanted a blow job at 1 in the afternoon. i called today, in the middle of the fog, to schedule an appointment for trauma counseling and medication.
Aug 17 - 12PM
janine
janine's picture

Helldweller, please listen

to what Janet is telling you. You are a dear and kind person, but now is the time to take care of yourself. And to get what ever help you can get, on practical as well as emotional terms. It is tempting to be hyper-active in order to avoid pain. But I believe you know only too well that it is not working. Sorry to repeat myself and I'm only saying it again because I mean well, but stressing yourself out like this you might be heading for a breakdown. Do try to have a little time for yourself, to sit and reflect. Keep us posted. I am worried about you.
Aug 17 - 12PM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

So much for today's list

I was supposed to clean out my office today, clean out the fridge, call the dentist. I went to the hospital at 10:30 last night to sit with my friend as her granddaughter died. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Got home at 1:30 and got up again at 6 to work before I had to take my mom to the doctor for her eye surgery update. Came home for an hour and got my girls dressed, then went back to pick her up. Getting my daughter ready for soccer right now. That should do it for today. As I went to the car this morning, saw the narc and his child going to work, freshly scrubbed and perfectly dressed, holding hands. Totally ignored me.
Aug 17 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

what stage is this?

So I woke up this morning, and I just want to call him and say, "Honey, do you want to go to dinner tonight? Do you want to come over and just sit and kiss and not talk?" I know there have been a thousand posts about "What we really miss" but god dammit, I miss something.
Aug 17 - 10AM (Reply to #25)
Janet
Janet's picture

Reading your latest posts, I

Reading your latest posts, I mean this really kindly, but you seem all over the place. Understandable, but a little manic. Take a step back. Try to do the very difficult task of not avoiding what is really happening. Deal with the reality that you were involved with an uncaring N. The drama is addicting, but really unhealthy. Take care. Peace. J

Peace. J

Aug 17 - 1AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

paralyzed

My God. The horror stories. Who are these vermin? One of my tour drivers had her 18-month granddaughter go into the hopsital tonight with a head injury, not expected to live through the night. My ex husband and business partner came over to watch our daughters so I could go to the hosptial. On the way to the hospital, I did a blanket text to all of my close contacts asking for prayers, not remembering that the n was one of them. Do you think that the bastard could have a drop of human blood? No, he texted me a few minutes ago, apparently having seen my ex's car, and said, "Enjoy your husband tonight."
Aug 17 - 12AM
TraumaMama
TraumaMama's picture

Paralyzed

I am sorry, helldweller. I am exactly where you are and am still working on getting myself out. I feel stuck here. I was discarded in February by a borderline-narc boyfriend in the cruelest way. Shortly after, I was threatened with a lawsuit for custody of my kids by my exNH. I had insomnia, nightmares, threw up and lost 10 pounds, and trembled for about a month. Then....I was paralyzed. I did, by the Grace of God, make it to work each and every day. I am still pulling myself out of this. I make a list of 7 things to do every day and also cross things off as I accomplish them. They are small tasks like "wipe off the bathroom counter." My bedroom closet is a wreck and so is my office. I will work on one room a day. I took antidepressants for a while but they made me so angry. I kept sending angry texts/emails to the ex-boyfriend that said stuff like "I hope a train runs over you." I stopped that. I stopped the meds. I am slowly getting better. I am a fitness fanatic and I am sad to report that I quit working out which is probably the worst thing. I just didn't feel like taking care of myself. I felt so awful. I write everything down in my journal. I have worn out all my friends and family. They took turns calling and listening to me explain the atrocities done to me by this sick man for about 3 months. It seems no one understands the devastation, the damage, and the obsession as a result of being affected by a non-human who probably tossed me aside and never gave me a second thought. Like you, I was in shock that I was thrown in the garbage like a used piece of toilet paper. Shell-shocked, traumatized, paralyzed, and in disbelief that another human being could callously discard another the way he did. He was simply done using me and was moving on. Speaking of toilet paper, we are out! I am going to add that to my list! Hang in there! We are strong and we might be down right now but we are not going to stay down :)
Aug 17 - 1AM (Reply to #21)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

TraumaMama

I'm sorry I don't think I have read your story - i've been kind of lax there, basically sometimes I just forget that there is that section. So I don't know your past, but you sound so strong that I wanted to respond. When we get the humor back, I think we're on the way to getting past the worst of the nightmare. And I was so impressed that in the end of your commiserating you had found your humor. That means alot I think. I didn't really tell the family but I definitely wore out some friends with all the details of absolute ridiculous behavior that no one in their right mind would ever put up with. But this was all new to me too. And, damn, I didn't know what was happening to me either. It wasn't like I got involved with people like this all the time, or ever before. What I found is the family is just happy he's gone without knowing all the details and the GOOD friends are still there. Are we all the little list makers? I know I have 3 going right now:) almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 17 - 10AM (Reply to #22)
TraumaMama
TraumaMama's picture

Sense of Humor

My sense of humor is coming back although many months were quite serious and all about surviving the ordeal. He was very intense and not fun to be around. It was a "walkin' on eggshells" experience. I never knew what wrong thing I did or said set off that rageful volcano but it was ugly and scary when it blew. Six months after D&D I can picture that 41 year old man obsessing over every little hair and staring at himself in the mirror non-stop! He worked out all the time but still had a pot belly and hair on his back! My favorite were the designer jeans some young girl picked out for him to parade around in! He was obsessed over every piece of clothing and went to get his hair cut almost every week. Uggggh. I will write my story when I get time. It is rather long (multiple jerks). I will put it on my list!
Aug 16 - 9PM
Fawn
Fawn's picture

Paralyzed

I soooo understand how you feel Helldweller. I was practically immobile for months. Here is what has happened since then. I quit my job, was out of work for quite a few months, went out of the country for the summer, came back, had an ovarian cancer scare (I am a breast cancer survivor). Found out the Ex N had kicked me off of his insurance without telling me. I found this out on the same day our divorce was final. I had to apply for Medicaid because I needed surgery. Went ahead and applied for every other kind of help I could get so I could feed my 3 children. Ended up ok, no ovarian cancer. Got a better job in September, things started looking up. I just started getting comfortable when I found out I had to take a HUGE pay cut and go back to school for a credit to get state certification. I finished it, got my job back, got my salary back, went to work with a complete N at work, lived through that, got a promotion and my own school. I negotiated a pretty good raise for myself and now I am starting grad school! I'm happy! No, things are not perfect, but they are certainly better and I am no longer paralyzed. I am able to stand up for myself in many situations where I couldn't before. I'm heading down a much better career path, love my job. I'm doing something very good. My kids just got back from 15 days with the N, this is the longest period that they spend with him during the years. I have sole custody. It is VERY frustrating to have to do damage control. I took all 3 to the dentist today and they obviously were not brushing their teeth. The youngest apparently wasn't brushing her hair either, as I had to spend about 20 minutes getting all of the knots out of her hair. It makes me so sad that they aren't parented at his house. I understand your pain at how they can "just walk away". I don't know I could live with myself if I did that, and for what? He has moved 9 times in the past 3 years, lives in a crappy apartment, drives a crappy car, and spends all of his spare time with his mother. He's almost 43 years old and is not going to grow or change. This is what I left behind, and you have to leave it all behind you too......Move along when you feel ready. It is all up to you and you can create an amazing life for your children and yourself.
Aug 16 - 7PM
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Oh girl you'll make it cause

Oh girl you'll make it cause you know you have to. One day at a time. You're already seeing the things that will make you feel more insane like cleaned up rooms and dishes out of the sink. Nothing can add to a downer like dishes in the sink:) But you'll get there, you already are starting to, because what else you gonna do? You have children who need a mom and a life that needs to move on from all this agony. If I can do it (and still struggle through it) while being unemployed for 2 yrs (home alone all the time), have both kids move out for college, Mother diagnosed with uterine cancer, sudden death of my dearest friend, and misc other life altering things I can't even remember at the moment, YOU CAN DO IT TOO. Oh yea, and turn 50 on top of that. First of all, I've been thinking about you a lot... and we need to change your name - no more Helldweller who is dwelling in hell. No more dwelling there. I haven't come up with the right one yet but I'm sure all these incredible ladies can come up with something perfect for you. Also, I have to tell you a story as to why I was also thinking about you today. There was a story in the paper about a man (turns out to be a friend of my ex husband) as to how he had been a genius musician and apparently a genius in general, had a major tumor that made it impossible for him to ever sing again or even EAT again. So you can imagine the horror. He was advised to write and has written one mystery book, has a contract for two more and possibly a movie deal. My point about you is that as a writer, you have some pretty amazing life experience now to write about. Turn it into something positive for your life. Much like Lisa has done with her book and this site. There can be a silver lining to all of this but YOU must find it. Let your daughters see you come out of this tragedy with such a bang they will see you for the powerful woman you are. My thoughts are with you. I know your pain so well. No more Helldwelling. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 16 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Ack! I am too big for my britches tonight

Had a really good day, and I want a different name, almostlydia, but I did something stupid in a moment of triumph. My daughter and I were rollerskating outside (yep, rollerskating) and he and his kid and his brother came out to go to dinner with someone (it's so odd because these strange cars with tinted windows drive up to pick him up and I don't even know who they are). I was really happy and I called out "Hi, ------ (narc freak)!" and he went white. His child said, "Hi, helldweller, I love you!" I said "Narc freak, come talk to me." and he just totally ran away. He was so, so scared that I was going to come and talk to his friend in the car. Even though I know he told his friend that I'm "just a neighbor" or the "psycho neighbor" it was just between him and me, just me fucking with him, which feels soooooooo delicious. I know I shouldn't do this stuff, but I just really felt good and wanted to mess with him. I shouldn't do this, right?
Aug 16 - 11PM (Reply to #17)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

No you shouldn't but I did

No you shouldn't but I did it too. Mostly I never won until the last time, if you can call it that. There really is no winning here, just freedom. When I was where you are, it was playing with fire. Make sure you get to keep the power because chances are he'll torment you later for it. I am beginning to see some headlines coming his way with all the tinted limo sh*t. Sounds kind of criminal for a judge. It is bound to happen you know. You really can't be as public and, I'm assuming, elected official, and live an obscene life without somebody getting tipped off about it. Doesn't matter how much inheritance he has if he is an elected official does it. Wonder if he has porn on his computer:) Sorry, I digress. Let's think of a new name for you. I love roller skating myself, haven't done it in a while since all the 'skating bday parties'. But I still have the excellent pair they all gave me for my bday years ago. Great for the legs:) And fun as hell. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 18 - 6PM (Reply to #18)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

almostlydia

this guy is friends with Blagojevich, the former Illinois governor whose verdict came down yesterday. He is friends with every slimebucket in Chicago. The thing that sucks now is that I could have been the one to put him in the headlines, if only I'd pressed charges when he beat me. I could have signed the document and left. He would have lost everything. But he will likely elude everything else forever. He is charmed. We live in a totally congested neighborhood and the parking spot in front of his house in magically open whenever he comes home. Makes one crazy!
Aug 16 - 6PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

You're doing great!

Once you can tackle the day-to-day duties, you'll be able to conquer whatever lies ahead of you! Good for you helldweller! Keep up the great work!
Aug 16 - 6PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

helldweller

helldweller I read your post this morning but when I'm at work I can't respond. I must say you kicked some ass today girl! From ok I'm going to try and pay the bills to ALL you accomplished AND spending time with your girls!! I'm impressed and very very proud of you! As you should be! GOOD FOR YOU!!