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Aug 16 - 4PM
helldweller's picture

Thank you

for all of your tips and encouragement. I am going to post here what I do each day; no one has to read it, but I will at least feel I am answerable to someone, and that helps me, like with writing deadlines. So I paid the bills. I cleaned out the hall closet and dragged out the curtain rods the narc told me not to put up "because we'll be moving into the new house soon, honey." Even though I"ll only be here another month or two, I'm putting them up because I bought them when I knew he was lying about the house--but did not put them up because I didn't want him to know I knew. Huh??? LOL I washed the dishes, put in a load of laundry, took my daughters to lunch, did a radio interview. I took my daughter for new cleats because she starts soccer tomorrow, and I practiced with her outside for an hour. Soon I will make dinner and we'll watch a movie together tonight before baths. Wow. I sound like freaking supermom, don't I? I know someday the inside will line up with the outside again. But for today, I'm pretty happy with the outside being ok and well accomplished.
Aug 16 - 6PM (Reply to #12)
wholeagain's picture

Go you!

You got a lot done! Bill paying in particular, what a nasty chore and you got it out of the way. And, you're spending time with your daughters, that's wonderful. I'll read your list every day're accountable to me young lady!
Aug 16 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
better off
better off's picture

Yes, you do sound like a

Yes, you do sound like a super mom! :-)
Aug 16 - 3PM
janine's picture


I'm so sorry for what you are going through, and you have so much to deal with. To me it sounds like real depression, which means you should go and see a doctor. My best friend went through the same, feeling more and more incapable to cope with daily life,tired and confused. She would not listen, when I tried to get her to a doctor. Until she had a bad break-down. Like you she kept saying "I must". No, dear helldweller, you must not force yourself to drag through the days like that. There are times when we cannot and should not pull ourselves together, as we normally do, but get HELP. Please, for your own sake, make it your priority to do so.
Aug 16 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
MovinOnUp's picture


I'm with Janine if you don't start feeling better soon. All these guys are difficult to rebound from, but your guy was off the chart. I preach non violence, but I'd like to put a bullet between the eyes of this Judge for the head games he's played with you and your daughters. Kinda shocks me since I was one of the million moms marching in DC back in 2000 to check gun violence. Though I'm very glad and proud of you for what you accomplished today, I hope you seek help if the daily routine continues to be a challenge because you've been screwed with on a level that most humans would be hard pressed to endure. And I think you are a very loving, compassionate human being, Helldweller. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings, because you've been hurt enough. And the last thing I would want to do is cause you any more pain. Please promise me that you'll seek help if you don't feel better soon. I so want you to publish your eighth book and be able to enjoy the success that YOU earned witn those two lovely daughters of yours. Love, MovinOnUp
Aug 16 - 11AM
wholeagain's picture

I've been there

I so remember being paralyzed like this--last summer through early this year, much of the time. You have my empathy! There were three things I found that helped: 1) The night before I wanted to have a really productive day I forced myself to sit down, make a list, prioritize it in order I wanted to get it done, then psych myself up that tomorrow was going to be a productive day. I even put "shower" on the list so I could cross more off! 2) Don't hop on the internet first thing. I found that could derail me badly. 3) Ask a friend to sit with you while you get things done, even if it's for a few hours. Sometimes just having someone there, even if they were on their laptop doing something else, was a huge help, and if I started to flail they could coach me through it. I like your idea of posting here when you complete things too :) I too wondered where that list-wielding woman went, but I'm back more to normal. Mostly! Also, don't know if you're on anti-depressants but that helped me too. Good luck my dear, you can do it! xoxox
Aug 16 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
helldweller's picture


Thank you! I made a list for the first time this morning, and I just did my bills and crossed it off. So that's ONE thing. I do need to stop the obssession with being online and focus on my suroundings, as the condition of them make or break how I feel about myself. So in a few minutes I'm going to take the car to the car wash and then we will clean rooms when we get home. I think I really do need antidepressants. I haven't taken them in years, but I'm feeling I need something to help just a bit right now. Onward, and thanks again!
Aug 16 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
wholeagain's picture

Definitely check into

anti-depressants--I hate taking them but I know they've given me a safety net that I badly needed. Your brain chemicals are no doubt pretty depleted. And if you tell your doc that obsessive thinking is part of it they can probably give you an anti-d that addresses that. Seriously if you're a listmaker like I am, put even the smallest things on your list so you can cross them off. I felt better seeing something, anything, accomplished. And the prioritizing really helped me so I didn't have to think or start to get confused about what to do next, just follow the order on the list. And if you get stuck, tell yourself to do something really easy. Like, wash one dish. Then, another. Then, put laundry in the washer. There are days like that, and breaking it down is sometimes the only way to keep moving, but at least you keep moving. I also had small rituals to start my day, like lighting a candle that smelled good, showering right after I jumped out of bed. Small things but they got me going. Why not post here each night "what I got done today"?
Aug 16 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
wholeagain's picture


I'm a Virgo, I get slightly hyped up over anything involving organization :)
Aug 16 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
tigger73's picture

oh Honey, I am here for you.

oh Honey, I am here for you. I was in this mode too. My best friend would call and ask me what I was going to do today???? I said, stay in bed....all day. She said, well, you can't because you have 3 kids to take care of. It was the most horrible feeling, like almost out of body.....I HAD to get on an antidepressant. Not so I could numb myself, but rather so I could get myself together enough to just get through the day. It saved my life. I still take it, and if I miss a few days, I feel a bucket of tears behind my eyes. I know that won't last forever.... but lexapro gave me just the clarity and ability to function, and BEGIN the road to recovery. I wouldn't have even started down the road without getting myself together. I can promise you, your days will get easier. The more I educated myself and when I saw him devalue the first girlfriend after me, it helped me to see, it wasn't me, and NEVER was, as it is NOT YOU, and will never be. You were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time and you are human, and you believed this person, who told who he was and what he was about. And it simply wasn't true. I haven't read your story in awhile, so I will go back to that, but we basically all have the same story. Idealized, devalued, dumped. That is their cycle and it will never change. By the grace of God, WE are human, which also makes it more difficult because we have very real, raw feelings. I suggest you get yourself on an antidepressant. I swear to God, after 2 weeks, I felt like I woke up and had the energy to pull my covers up over my bed in the morning.....simple things that were so overwhelming. I'm thinking of you today and I will say a prayer for you. I know where you are at, and you won't be there forever. Promise :)
Aug 16 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
helldweller's picture

Thank you everyone. Here's

Thank you everyone. Here's the thing: a part of me wants to create a blog about him, by name, to tell the good people of Cook County who he really is, because he's in bed with everyone else. the other part of me says, "why waste more time and energy?"
Aug 16 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
Susan32's picture


Believe me, I felt the same way about my ex-Psych professor. His colleagues (such as the one who went to grad school with him, and the one who was my senior essay advisor) are getting well-deserved praise on Rate My Professor... and he's not even listed(!) I've felt tempted to say "He's a total emotionless robot and will toy with you because he's a psychopathic sadist... oh, and BTW, here's a link to Worcester State Hospital." But it would be a waste of energy and time, on someone who does NOT deserve it. I've wanted to "out" him on the 'net, name names... but I realized-why bother? When he trashes former colleagues in his footnotes, his philosophical blandness is online... that he hasn't become the famous philosopher he THOUGHT he was... that sounds like karma to me. Give a man a fishing rod, and he can feed himself. And when it comes to Ns/Ps, give a man a rope... he can do the rest himself...