he's moving back in in a week :(

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#1 Oct 2 - 4PM

kiwi10

he's moving back in in a week :(

i'm really stressed about it.
i try not to talk about it because i know it worries yall plus it's hard to explain why it has to happen, but just know it's about money...
early next year, my spousal support goe sup and i can move out.
i have so much stress about it. i'm afraid of him hurting me.
i'm afriad of seeing him and still wanting his approval. what the fuck is wrong with me that i would even need to fear that? he beat me then abandoned me. why do i still remember some of the good things and can't seem to believe he's a narc or psycho? i just always do the same circle of it was my fault.
i feel like shit about it and i don;t know what to do. i'm really depressed today.
i'm going to the balloon fiesta today here in beautiful albuququerque today with my two best friends and on a beautiful hike tomorrow.... keeping positive and busy, but i miss being with someone. it's so hard to find someone :(
i'm scared i never will again. and i miss not worrying about money.
I know i'll be ok, and i swear if he lays a hand on me again i will shoot him, don't worry. i'm more worried about my heart.

#2 Oct 3 - 5PM

Lisa E. Scott

Fierflie

Please listen to everyone here and do not let him back. I am very concerned for you and am pleading with you to consider other options!

#3 Oct 3 - 6PM (Reply to #39)

MsVulcan500

Fierflie,

I too am very concerned for your safety. I really wish you would reconsider this move. And if the divorce and settlement are all final, why does he need to move in? And if he got the house in the divorce, get out before he comes back. It's better to be living in a friend's basement in one piece than to risk your life with an abuser. I am really praying for you . . .

#4 Oct 3 - 4PM

betty2020

He will beat you and abuse

He will beat you and abuse you again. I will expect this to take place within 30 days of return. I hope you survive this next round. Keep in mind that many dont. I will pray for you. :( only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#5 Oct 3 - 4PM (Reply to #37)

betty2020

And remember that when it

And remember that when it comes to your life, there is always other options. You have made a very dangerous choice fierfly. Very dangerous indeed. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#6 Oct 3 - 11AM

mystwoman

Fierflie, Please don't let

Fierflie, Please don't let him come back. I am very concerned for you. I know from personal experience that because the N has abused you both emotionally and physically in the past, he will come back feeling entitled to do it again. Face it, he got away with it before. Now he KNOWS he can do it...and because he's abused you already, he now KNOWS that you're afraid of him as well. It will be much worse for you now that he knows he can treat you however he wishes. He may act nice at first, but he's still the same old cobra. He will show his fangs again at some point. You'll be in great danger (both emotionally and physically), if you let him move back in. I would highly recommend seeing if you can room with one of your friends for a while, or seeing if any of your family will help you before letting him back into the home with you. Even staying at a shelter is a better alternative. At least you'll be safe. As for the money problems, money problems are just money problems. They come. They go. However, your life and your future will only happen ONCE...your life is worth so much more than anything else in this universe. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#7 Oct 3 - 5AM

jaycee

hes moving back in

fierflie, im sorry you are put in such a bad predictament because of finances, i know, it sucks i have to be miss merry molly and smile and listen to all his bullshit, as he is paying for everything, i lost my job and financially im sunk. all those years keeping my credit clean, going down hill, it sucks it really sucks, but for you, i feel for you, you have no choice but to allow the monster back into your home, just remember, he will never change, so dont get caught up in the same bs again, let him know its strickly business, and keep your distance, do your own thing and dont let him know, even if you are relieved hes there, pretend you are disgusted and miserable and are only doing it because there are no other choices and if he lays a hand on you, call the police and fk it, go live with friends and get state assistance. if he doesnt, make his life a miserable hell, just by not giving him any supply whatsoever, treat him if he is the guy bagging your groceries, be polite, but very very distant............good luck jaycee

Jaycee

#8 Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #34)

kiwi10

jaycee

that's exac tly what i was planning on doing. it's what i have been doing. luckily, he;s not really a 'hooverer', he's lazy :) and if he touched me i would call the cops...

#9 Oct 3 - 1AM

Briseis

You have other choices than

You have other choices than to live with him again. You need to talk about it, and consider what all your friends here are saying to you. The worst thing you can do is stick your head in the sand because you might hear us say something uncomfortable to you. No one is going to suddenly begin to dislike you or wish you'd go away. You are one of us. You've gotten us hooked on you and now you have to live with it LOL :) That said . . . Fierflie, this is ridiculous. You do not have to live with him. You are making THIS choice among many others that YOU KNOW you have. At least be honest with yourself about this. If it is really, really hard to just admit this to yourself, that is your God-given fear of this man trying to TELL you something. I "hear" you rationalizing and justifying this choice to live with him again. It's as if the humiliating abuse you endured is 'not that bad' in your own head. If it was . . . you wouldn't even consider getting within ten feet of him. You would cheerfully couch surf until a better living situation came along just to stay away from him. So you want to be with him.

#10 Oct 3 - 4AM (Reply to #32)

Scoop

Hmm , il tell you how i

Hmm , il tell you how i though in the past and see if it rings a bell with you . When he D&D me in the past i was pretty sure i could get him back and it worked 6 times , i had to play the game a bit , watch what i said , shaked my butt a bit but sure enought after a couple of weeks he was back in my bed and we where having the honey moon period again .Each time i thought "if i just played the game better he would get better" but what i should have done is run the first time the psycopath slithered out from behind the mask .Take the last hover event , i could have played the game so well this time , i could have a gold medle in getting him back and what a honeymoon period that would have been after nc for 7 months wow , i have got my self strong enough never to put up with his crap the narc for a little while would not have known what has hit his sad arse . But i know the nature of the beast and it would only be a matter of time that he would have learnt to push my buttons again even if the old way he used didnt work any more there would have been a diffrent way, proberly more hatefull than ever before . I would give my right arm to have the sweet man my narc pretended to be back for ever but the reason i stay nc is because i have history on my side to know there is nothing i can do to change him , i can not tame him , i can not manage him .No one can .. not for long anyway . What do you recon ? do you still think you can manage him ? I think this is youre chance to finaly say no to him , to stand up to the bully and say a big fat NO .. now as for money , i dont know where you live etc but i do know if you are going to get thrown out due to lack of funds this doesnt happen over night , you will have at least a month if not 2 where you can get some where else aforderble and all youre energys should go into that . Big Love Scoop x

#11 Oct 3 - 1AM (Reply to #15)

kiwi10

briesis

you think i want to live with him? really? i didn;t even think about that. maybe your right... oh my god. thats so insane. i really am just such a princess, and scared to be on my own. this house is so big and beautiful... i think that's what it is. i hate not sleeping in my own bed. i assume he'll just leave me alone. maybe I'm crazy... :( thank you for being honest what is it that i want do you think? i dont want him to hurt me anymore i swear...

#12 Oct 3 - 1PM (Reply to #31)

Briseis

Thank you Fierflie for being

Thank you Fierflie for being open to what I'm saying (((((hugs)))) if you could see the expression on my face, or feel my feelings I have when I wrote this, you'd know I am not sitting in judgement of you . . . nor thinking bad things of you. Just concerned . . . and very, very familiar with how I *used* to think when I was still struggling with my Narc. This is what I know to be true: We do not do ANYTHING we do not want, or agree to do. Therefore, when we DO something, we are agreeing to do it. Period. It is basic Psychology 101. We are always making choices, all day, every day. We make the CHOICE to use a toilet rather than let loose in the chair while we're sitting at the computer LOL!! You make the choice to eat lunch, rather than starve yourself. You make the choice to drive according to the speed limit. I don't think you are crazy. I DO think you are not practising honesty with yourself. Not like you are deliberately lying to yourself and us . . . more like you are refusing to LOOK at your real motivations, because you KNOW they are not sound. You admit you fear taking care of yourself. That is the exact same fear I had (and still do, a bit), and the exact same reason I kept going back to my Narc, or not leaving him. I have been there. I see you in me :) . You may loathe the idea of living with him again. But you are willing to live with him again, obviously! You are fooling yourself if you believe you have no other choices. You DO. You just . . . would rather live with HIM than make those other, harder choices. And it's very hard to admit, isn't it :( That is because you KNOW better.

#13 Oct 3 - 9AM (Reply to #21)

wholeagain

Wake up Fierflie...

He's not going to leave you alone, and unfortunately you probably aren't going to leave him alone either. He's toxic as hell and any thought that things will be calm, okay or the like are pure magical thinking. And maybe it's time to not be a princess and grow up and be your own queen. Probably most of us here have had to make some big sacrifices to get out and be safe. Move, go on welfare, live in a shelter, take a second, or third, job. I know you got a good settlement so you could go to school without working, but plenty of people work 1, 2 or 3 jobs while they go to school to make it work. So...to underscore what Briseis is saying, you're making a choice to still be a little girl by allowing this to happen. This is the big time woman (I'm not even going to call you girl anymore!) You've got many choices you're just not choosing them. Your fear is real but your reasons for staying are not. All with love, of course darlin, it seems like you need a little tough love at the moment to kick in your instincts to protect yourself!

#14 Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #22)

kiwi10

wholeagain

i know. i'm not hurt by what you said at all. i appreciat eyour tough love. i really think he'll leave me alone though. he did when we were married!! i doubt he wants 'drama'... indulge me, why do you think he will harrass me? i'm no longer good supply. i have made thatperfectly clear, and i'm sure he has lots of new girlfriends to get it from. i'm just the one who pulled off his mask... we hate eachother.

#15 Oct 3 - 5PM (Reply to #30)

Briseis

You are fooling yourself.

You are fooling yourself. You are getting 100% agreement amongst the ladies here, who have special understanding of what you've gone through. Sometimes that's not enough. You wouldn't have posted your concern about this subject if you didn't want some feedback, right? Well here it is :) It is insane and self destructive to allow yourself to live under the same roof as this man. Period. In order for you to even ASK why we think he'll harrass you or abuse you means you are unplugging half of your mental capacity so you can justify this horrible choice you are making. You are mindfucking yourSELF. We'll be here, whatever you choose. You don't have to "obey" anyone lol. But no one here is going to knod their heads and pat your shoulder while you insist upon jumping from a bridge because you HOPE you can fly.

#16 Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #29)

better off

I think you need to accept

I think you need to accept the possibility that this is someone who might kill you. Then he doesn't have to pay you anything.

#17 Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #23)

wholeagain

Because

It's a toxic relationship and he's still been pulling power trips on you (dog, bank statements, etc.) No reason to believe he won't continue to do some of that, and your boundaries when it comes to him aren't strong. Plus, just the ambient stress of being in the same house--ugh!!!! Did your divorce documents specify who has control of the house until it sells? Typically one or the other party will have control of the property and the other has to ask for permission to set foot in it. Also you said that he has another place in Madrid, why can't he stay there? Or you? I know it's a commute to UNM but not that bad and faaaaar less stressful all things considered.

#18 Oct 3 - 7PM (Reply to #27)

kiwi10

HE SAYS he can;t afford the

HE SAYS he can;t afford the lease, and that its up in november... i could ask if i could stay there, good idea. the settlement says that we can both stay in it until it sells.

#19 Oct 3 - 9PM (Reply to #28)

wholeagain

That would be a big step

in the right direction and maybe buy you some time to figure out what else to do. Or maybe your house will sell!

#20 Oct 3 - 7PM (Reply to #26)

kiwi10

HE SAYS he can;t afford the

HE SAYS he can;t afford the lease, and that its up in november... i could ask if i could stay there, good idea. the settlement says that we can both stay in it until it sells.

#21 Oct 3 - 7PM (Reply to #25)

kiwi10

HE SAYS he can;t afford the

HE SAYS he can;t afford the lease, and that its up in november... i could ask if i could stay there, good idea. the settlement says that we can both stay in it until it sells.

#22 Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #24)

better off

Yes, what about this? What

Yes, what about this? What is the actual LEGAL situation here?

#23 Oct 3 - 1AM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

You're afraid...

Between the emotional abuse and the physical abuse, and the fact you're AFRAID of him... being on your own is not as scary as being with him and risking everything. I used to wonder how life would be without the ex-P. I had to renounce the beauty of New Mexico, it was my Land of Enchantment (I still do miss it, not the ex-P) It was a spectacular place... but I had to give it up. For my own good. In your case, it's a matter of finding a safe place. It's not an easy road. It's going to be difficult without someone you considered your companion and trusted deeply. You loved him, you trusted him... he VIOLATED that. If I were you, I'd move out, take everything that was mine... so that he'd have to sleep in his own bed! He'll be the one sleeping alone, and it's his own da*n fault!

#24 Oct 3 - 1AM (Reply to #17)

kiwi10

first of all, did you go to

first of all, did you go to UNM?? that's whare i go now. it's just quite ironic. i'm sure he's not sleeping alone, which is fine, he seems to hate the women he fucks. and the big posturpedic bed and everything of value in this house is HIS. he's a LAWYER, i'm just an unemployed student :( i know i need to get out of here i'm just really scared to do it without any money. i have a dog and a cat and all my stuff is here and i can't imagine sleeping on people's couches as bad as i feel already...

#25 Oct 3 - 1AM (Reply to #18)

Susan32

Briefly went to UNM...

I was in the UNM teacher education program, but the ex-P falsely accused me of being "dangerous to children", so I was let go of over the phone (and I was still suffering PTSD) rather than in person. He sabotaged it because I made the mistake of making him a personal reference. Never did that again. I was an unemployed student;he was a professor. So, you're in a similar position to where I was. I moved back to the Northwest with my parents.. and quite ironic one of the ex-P's male victims moved to Oregon as well. Being an unemployed student is tough. You're in my prayers.

#26 Oct 3 - 1AM (Reply to #19)

kiwi10

does this dick still teach

does this dick still teach at UNM?

#27 Oct 3 - 1AM (Reply to #20)

Susan32

He's not at UNM

He's at another college in New Mexico. I have to agree with Betty, I'll leave it at that. I got my bachelor's degree at another college in New Mexico before UNM. Despite the ex-P, I got a good transcript, generally good grades (except mathematics), and yes, I graduated. I have to remember he could've sabotaged THAT. He was able to sabotage me at UNM (I had been in the program at least a month) because the professors really didn't know me. They didn't know that I had volunteered at an elementary school without any problems.

#28 Oct 2 - 11PM

Susan32

Flee to safety!

He's a DANGEROUS man. He has no problems with physical violence. You need to find a DV area. There have got to be DV shelters in the Albuquerque/Santa Fe area. You're in my prayers. I was in New Mexico when my D&D happened... you have my compassion. Please, may the Lord guide you to safety.

#29 Oct 2 - 5PM

kiwi10

no, no familt help. all my

no, no familt help. all my friends are young and poor... if i have to, there are a few couches i can sleep on.

#30 Oct 3 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

Scoop

Dont leave where you are ,

Dont leave where you are , just tell him he cant come and stay ,tell him he has to make other arangement , i recon its time to call his bluff , is he going to see his ex wife homeless? maybe but it buys you tme to find a nice place you can afford , For goodness sake you need to not live with this freak . Explane why this has to happen ? the trouble is when you are still in the fog of abuse aftermath money and stuff like that are difficult to make sence of .... what dose he tell you the reason why he had to come back , lets see if there is another way for you .xxxxx

#31 Oct 3 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

kiwi10

but scoop

the divorce and the settlement are final. i was thinking about asking him to just not move in, actually... but i know what he'll say.

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