anyone else have the BEST sex ever with the N???

73 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Apr 16 - 10AM
Tinker's picture

anyone else have the BEST sex ever with the N???

...or is it just me?? It would be easier to get over the manipulative nasty behavior if it weren't that I was just so totally attracted to him, everything about him (physically that is). Most posters don't talk about that, or say they weren't so attracted to him or even disgusted by him, or that it was other things that kept them together.

I would love to hear from someone else who worries they'll never find that with another man. Or worse, that it's woven into his personality (that's what I really worry about!). I've been NC for a couple of weeks, haven't seen him in a month, but I'm still very obsessed with our physical relationship, always have been.

Can anyone add to this?? it's a really difficult day...

Apr 23 - 4AM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

I think that was the hook he

I think that was the hook he pulled you in with. Sex is mostly great in the begining, you are riding high on all those chemicals that rush through you in the first flush of love. Then things change so you better have something else going on. You admitting that you are an addict sexually is not going to help you in future. Focusing on the physical will always bring you pain. As someone else has said on her often the sexual relationship is usually as good as you are. They just go along for the ride. I watched My N going from completely obssesed with me physically to wanking alone downstairs while I worked. Then he found someone at gym of 50, got her to believe in love so he could have sex in the car in between lunch break. And guess what! she wouldnt give him oral sex cos it just wasnt her style. I piss myself laughing about this every time. He cant get his illicit lover to sex him up. HA HA HA HA. What a sad fool. If their Dicks could reach their own mouths we would never feature in their lives believe me. They spend their lives stretching this thing. They are Excrement. GET OVER IT! HAVE A HOT BATH AND give back to yourself....
Apr 22 - 6PM
Journey's picture

In the beginning it was the

In the beginning it was the best sex ever... BUT, once he had me on the hook, the sex became more about him just as everything else did. I was wildly attracted to mine and would have sex whenever he wanted to. But that was part of the problem, he withheld it as control and the frequency of doing it became only on his terms. Once that began happening, my needs were often overlooked and he became incredibly selfish in bed. He was seldom an attentive or giving lover after that, so I still enjoyed the 'closeness' of the sex act, but the sex itself went down hill for sure. I don't see mine often anymore in the flesh, so I don't know how attracted I really am anymore in reality, but for a long time I could not imagine ever feeling such intense attraction for anyone else again. I still haven't met anyone where I do, but I no longer think I never will. More and more the 'cringe' factor has been entering my consciousness when I think of him.

Journey on...

Apr 21 - 3PM
Steph's picture

i thought i was just so

i thought i was just so overwhelmingly physically attracted to him and that I would never find that again, would never want anyone else etc......and that was early in NC for me. i'm almost 18 months out now.....and I do not LONG for him in anyway, sexually or otherwise. You are only a few weeks NC, what you feel now is normal....the endorphins and whatever chemicals are still in your system from him. Trust me. Give NC time.....and you will NOT be loonging for him anymore. You'll start thinking "ewe. how the hell was I ever with him". Getting to know about their disorder and seeing them for what they are....becomes a HUGE turn off.
Apr 21 - 4PM (Reply to #70)
Tinker's picture


thank you, that's really good for so many of us to hear. i haven't seen him in 6 weeks and it is better. i'm still deciding whether to see him again, sometimes there's such a pull and i feel emotionally strong enough to without all the entanglements. it's great to hear that you can look back on what you had and be turned off. i guess i'm not at that stage yet, tho he, as a person, does disgust me in some ways so i guess that's a good thing!
Apr 21 - 10AM
Recovering Suzie
Recovering Suzie's picture

It can be even better

I've been stalking this board for a year, just signed up. I was married to a narc for 23 years (long story I hope to telly you all - someday). He was my first and had been my only - it was intense and amazing. I was seriously concerned that I wouldn't know what a normal happy healthy sex life was, so I threw myself into it. I found a FwB right away; and to my surprise, it was pretty darn good. Currently I've been with my current BF for over 6 months and the physical intimacy is ubelievable - it's REAL intimacy. I had a hard time getting used to a man who appreciates my love-making; is complimentary of my skill and considers himself lucky to have a beautiful woman who enjoys giving him pleasure. He doesn't use intimacy to reward, punish or manipulate me. What we THINK is amazing sex with a narc is just a dependent cycle of abuse - the feeding of our addiction to them. I too was obsessed with our physical relationship and thought my best sex was behind me, but I was wrong. Without an agenda, it can be even better.
Apr 20 - 4PM
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

I was really attracted to my

I was really attracted to my N. And right now I'm not sure if it was the best sex ever or if it was the "chemistry" - but for a long time I felt like we have the best sex ever and that I was totally entranced by him. Now when I look back with a clearer mind - sex was all about him. He didn't please me as much as my bf (who wasn't an N) did before. But there was so much passion, and addiction, and drama that it made the sex seem out of this world. Technically speaking, I would say he wasn't anything special!
Apr 20 - 7PM (Reply to #57)
Tinker's picture

dazed and seeking

i totally agree - it's the chemistry. there's not a great amount of pleasure, but i love being with him and touching him. he also is totally into his own pleasure but that's easier to be with sometimes too. yes, yes, it's the addiction to the chemistry. it's not a sexual addiction or a love addiction, just a person addiction, but one nonetheless. my intuitist said we've been together in many lifetimes and i see that but he can't because he's not sensitive to that. who knows?? but i do wish it were different...
Apr 21 - 7AM (Reply to #65)
spinning's picture

Great observation, Dazed...'s amazing what a little time and distance can do. I also believe the chaos and high drama lended itself to the so-called sex seeming "hotter." When I look back on it, I realize it wasn't special or even that good. It became a chore for me because of his marathon behavior... YUCK. Peace and good vibes to all. sincerely (having a glitch and fighting against) spinning


Apr 21 - 8AM (Reply to #66)
Finally Faced It
Finally Faced It's picture


spin - exactly, again. As NML (whom I LOVE, from Baggage Reclaim blog) says... when you're starving for food, a few crumbs will feel like a banquet. With all the push/pull, hot/cold behavior from them... also think that the unbridled sexual passion/act makes us finally feel validated & wanted by them. YUCK!
Apr 22 - 6AM (Reply to #67)
sunny 523
sunny 523's picture

I love NML!!! Found her

I love NML!!! Found her before I found this place. She's a lifesaver! :)
Apr 20 - 8PM (Reply to #62)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

and I think I said this

and I think I said this before but I can't remember which thread, but I'm still trying to understand this chemistry. I believe that there really was a special chemistry ("special" in the neutral sense of the word) - and I guess the only thing I could come up with was trauma bond (we both were abused as children, but in different ways - even though we ended up completely different) - or abused/abuser bond. Any ideas about this chemistry thing? sometimes i wonder if it's just flattery and i fell for it like a fool and there was no such thing as chemistry. the only thing that doesn't fit that theory is that he seems to be addicted to me as well...
Apr 20 - 8PM (Reply to #63)
Tinker's picture


i guess it's different for everyone. i relate to the trauma bonding idea, and he def pushed my buttons, all of them, but there's also just this chemistry that knocked me out. i was always pushing guys away and here's this one who i can't get enough of, and what does he do? control me by ignoring and rejecting me! it's enough to create a trauma bond!:) i haven't heard of N's being addicted as well. i don't think it's just flattery at least in my case, there was/is very little of that. the answer is elusive. i think there is such a thing as chemistry and it's more powerful than we give it credit for. it's what makes us choose who's good to have children with (good DNA match), but continues on in life.
Apr 21 - 7AM (Reply to #64)
jen79's picture

isnt this funny

for me it was the same. Sex was never a big deal for me. And I wasnt so much into it. And then there comes this one guy I reall feel attracted to and I cant get enough of him, and he pushes me away. Ironic, isnt it. I am not so much craving anymore, and thats a good thing, all the abuse kills even the greatest passion. Still I doubt I will ever feel such passion for anyone again, thats makes me sad from time to tome.
Apr 20 - 8PM (Reply to #58)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

"my intuitist said we've been

"my intuitist said we've been together in many lifetimes and i see that but he can't because he's not sensitive to that. who knows?? but i do wish it were different..." please excuse my ignorance, but could you explain this more to me? I don't quite understand, but would like to! It sounds interesting because a close friend once said it seems as though we were together in a past life...but maybe I am missing your point completely. And yes, regardless of what it is, it's an addiction because it was so bad for me and I couldn't walk away.
Apr 20 - 9PM (Reply to #59)
Tinker's picture


i couldn't walk away either, tho i'm much better in not getting emotionally involved as i was. i feel better about it and just try to enjoy the time together. i talk to a woman who is an intuitist (psychic) 3 or 4 times a years and it's like getting months of therapy in an hour because she just KNOWS what's going on. if i mention a name, she'll say whether they're good for me or not. she'll tell you the answers to health questions, family, etc. and she's always right. last week, when i said i was better but not solid by any means, she said that given what i've been thru, where i am is good. abuse affects your brain and takes time to heal. she validates my pain, my childhood, but also believes in me and tells me how to get better, and i am. she said me and N were in past lives, which keeps me feeling tied to him but that i've been able to cut much of the emotional bonds so won't be as hurt by his behavior. it's so healing to talk to her. we do sessions over the phone and i take lots of notes and read them over and over. if you want her # perhaps i can give it to you off site? she's been wonderful for me. i go to therapy too but this is especially healing. she knew right away, 3 years ago, that he was 'off', missing something, and is close to 'mentally ill' bec of his own childhood. she always says to put my energy into something that will make me happy. whatever works, right?
Apr 20 - 10PM (Reply to #60)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

Your situation is really

Your situation is really interesting because I don't know if I could have contact with the N while protecting myself emotionally. That "chemistry" always hits me like a drug. I would see him furious and nervous as ever, but his presence just would enchant me all over again so it was useless to be mad. How did you manage to get to a point where you could actually merely "enjoy" your time together w/o getting so emotionally attached so that he could hurt you? I feel a little sad asking that Q, because if I knew this was a possibility or the answer to this question, I wouldn't have tried to sabotage the relationship in order to really end it. My N hoovered like mad and begged for me to go back to him to the very last minute of our relationship. I cried in pain having to turn my back on him. I felt like I was failing him and abandoning him. But he was terrible to me - I've been suffering from trauma and CD because while he acted like this and oh so needy and loving and said he wanted to marry me - he has been involved with at least 8 women int he last 5 months! the last contact he had with any of them was just last week! And this past weekend he was crying and begging for me to go back so that he could change. He feels like he can change for himself. He needs me around to change. I think there is some truth to that, but that just shows me how weak he is and I don't want to deal with that. And maybe I am fooling myself, and those other 8 women were feeling the same chemistry, but each time I would step towards him, he would quickly drop them like flies. He woulc cut them out, but I just kept on finding out more and more. He had an addiction to women and attention, but he also seemed to have a weird addiction to me, because I "outed" him to his family as a way to scare him away from me. His hoovering was really bothering me bc it made me cave each time. Anyway, sorry for the long response - I guess this weird bond/addiction/chemistry has held us both in this for so long and unable to detach even though I was working on breaking us up and he was just terrible to me. I am still sad at the loss - but I know that the loss is just a fake relationship. If I knew how to "enjoy" him w/o becoming attached I would've. But at this point I don't trust myself. I'd like to call your intuist, but I guess I have more questions about how that helped you. If you have time or don't mind could you explain specifically what she does? And her fees? (
Apr 21 - 3PM (Reply to #61)
Tinker's picture


i am so sorry if i made this sound great and easy - it isn't. and i could never do it in the situation you're describing. mine keeps his distance, always has. he knows i date others, and he does too. while he hoovers sometimes and even talked to me about marriage for a few weeks last year, our relationship is nothing like what you described. and i'm only finally getting to this point and haven't really put it to the test yet! i do get bonded when i see him, then sad after, but i make sure i have my 'real' life here, and i hope that when i meet someone i really like, i'll be able to cut it off. last time i did that he really hoovered me until i cut off with the guy i actually got engaged to, then he D&D'd me within a few months. it was horrible, i was a sick mess, and i won't let that happen again. i think you're absolutely doing the right thing, hang in there, you'll be much happier. this is just the really hard time. it still hurts incredibly for me, it's just i missed being with him and he's happy to comply sometimes but since he controls the time we spend together, i have no choice but to accept that and move on. like i said, sounds easy but it's been agonizing to get to this point. i'll write again about the intuitist if you want, only had a few minutes here. stay the course!!
Apr 20 - 4PM
kizzy72's picture


Apr 20 - 3PM
Alisa's picture

No, worst sex, which makes it

No, worst sex, which makes it a lot easier to get over him. My bf before him (not a narc) was my best sex and even though we had tons of issues as a couple (which ultimately led to the breakup) intimacy and sex were unbelievable. Still missing it and wondering if I'll ever find that too.
Apr 19 - 4PM
lisalisa47's picture

NO, i have to say it,

it was the worst sex ever - even from the beginning. What caused me to fall in love with him was his "little boy lost" nature (plus he knew how to do other things lOL..sorry) I have lately reflected that if he had been a normal boyfriend, but the sex had stayed the same, it would have only been a matter of time before we broke up. I am not saying that sex is all there is in a relationhip but if its bad and doesnt get better, the attraction one feels for that person will eventually diminish. I stayed around obviously not because of that, but because of the love he made to my heart at first.


Apr 20 - 2PM (Reply to #49)
ewa's picture

For me the same! Worst sex

For me the same! Worst sex ever once a month or sometimes even more rarely :(
Apr 20 - 3PM (Reply to #50)
Veronrose's picture

Same for me, only once but it

Same for me, only once but it was the worse. From behind, in and out, done....kaput. It was so fast that I was left scratching my head thinking "HUH?? WTH was THAT?" There was no wanting to please surprise there I guess since that too was ALL ABOUT HIM. No emotion whatsoever. Sickening.
Apr 20 - 4PM (Reply to #51)
Tinker's picture

my point exactly!

LOL, so those of you who had the worst sex ever had an easier time getting over the whole thing. when it's great, it's harder. i really think that i'm 90% over the emotional part now that i know there's literally NOTHING there, but the great and unusual sex is hard to give up. i WISH my best was with a normal guy. of course, there are really hard days and there's the issue of moving on with a normal guy (how to do that!?!) but taking one day at a time...
Apr 21 - 2AM (Reply to #52)
ewa's picture

I can not agree that it was

I can not agree that it was easier for me to get over it, then for those of you who had a great sex. Sex is important for me however this relationship gave me many other things like travel and adventure. We have spent a lot of time traveling and this is what i miss most now in my life.
Apr 21 - 8AM (Reply to #53)
Veronrose's picture

I can't agree with that

I can't agree with that either because it wasn't the sex that pulled me in. It was the attraction.....the chemisry. He was my closest friend for a time. The sex was secondary.
Apr 18 - 3PM
Alibi_10's picture


Glad you mentioned this .... I agree. When I first met him, it was unbridled passion - he said that for the first time in his life (yes I know, I know) ... he was able to express himself sexually, it was amazing. But then he downgraded me to 'friend' and said that he would be letting himself down if he made a move on me after that. All of which did not stop him from parading around half naked which I thought was very cruel. Right now, I don't think I will ever have sex with anyone again :o( ... and I do miss it, but not into one night stands or anything, so maybe that's it - a future trying to blot out what was amazing. Hmmmm :o(
Apr 18 - 3PM
terri's picture

Yes, how interesting!

The incredible sex was what kept me in the relationship all those years. When we would break up, I would obsess over missing that aspect of our relationship. And the weird thing is that I've never been that much of a sexual person with anyone else - ever!! So naturally, I thought it meant something - like we were soul mates, "meant to be", etc. (ad nauseum). But truthfully, after so many years of the horrible ups and downs, dishonesty, cheating, putdowns, I finally got to the point where I could barely have him touch me. Then the D&D got really bad. Now, I look at men, even handsome men, and have a hard time imagining ever having that kind of chemistry and passion again with someone.

Believe in yourself!

Apr 18 - 4PM (Reply to #46)
Tinker's picture


i wasn't a sexual person and i'm older, so this was a surprise. we're not really "together" like that so it's easier to overlook the horrible ups and downs and dishonesty. but not entirely, he's been awful. it does screw up everything and i don't like him as a person (is he even human?) but the intimacy even every once in awhile is hard to get past. i don't think it's possible to have that with a normal guy, i just don't. i do hope for enough of a good relationship with another guy for it to equal out to give him up!
Apr 18 - 7AM
WellRed's picture

I got totally robbed!! Mine

I got totally robbed!! Mine sucked in bed too!
Apr 18 - 4PM (Reply to #43)
Tinker's picture


you made me laugh! so, what was the appeal then? i don't get it:)...