Borderlines

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#1 Mar 9 - 12PM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Borderlines

Hi everyone. :)

I've been having a rough couple of weeks and I'm not really sure why. I still feel unsettled and sad, even though I've been NC for a few months now. Whatever - not the point.

I met with my therapist today and we dug in to how I've been feeling lately, how I felt as the relationship was ending, and how I felt during the relationship. She said that based upon my reactions during and after the relationship that my ex (who she's never met) sounds like he could be Borderline.

I know it doesn't really matter WHAT the disorder was at this point. It's not going to change my commitment to NC or anything. But, I'm trying so hard to heal and it would be helpful to ask some questions of those who have dealt with BPD.

The difference between my ex-fiance (who I'm SURE was an N) and my last ex is significant. My fiance definitely had the mask. Looking back, the relationship was pretty shallow. He was just so damn interesting (lol) that everything was always about him. He learned which buttons to push to get me going, but he never really got to know me.

This latest one was so different. It's like he wanted to know everything about me. Not in the way of ex-fiance, but deeper. Like he didn't just want to know me, he wanted to ...absorb me. For example, when we started dating, he emulated me. Started speaking like me, smoking my brand of cigs, that kind of thing. It seemed less like a mask, and more like he was taking my identity and genuinely assuming it, believing that's who he was. It's like he had no identity without me. IDK - I know that sounds weird, but has anyone else experienced this?

Mar 10 - 5AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

everyone

Glad sharis articles have helped you. I would have posted them but I got leary of posting articles due to the copyright issue. I have though private messaged some of you with a link to her site. Her info has helped me understand immensley but it has also made me realize that I need to deal with my own codependent issues or i will be right back where I started when he resurfaces in couple of years and he will they always do
Mar 10 - 4AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Ally, thank you

for starting this post. The articles that have come out of it have been very validating for me. It is unfortunate that we have had encounters with borderlines, but it has also presented an opportunity to heal the old wounds. I will never walk that path again; I am on the road to recovery and healing. Knowledge is power and this thread has given me more power to keep forging ahead and getting rid of the poison. So many things have clicked in recent months; the disordered one's hot/cold, push/pull; self-abuse to deflect; projection; intense mirroring--stealing MY IDENTITY and claiming it for his own; INTENSE, INEXPLICABLE jealousy, all of it. UCK! I'm sick of it! Thank you again for starting this post. It has been most helpful. Sincerely (slowing down from) spinning

spinning

Mar 10 - 3AM
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Thank you everyone

For everyone who weighed in on this thread - thank you so much. It's big time validation, support and guidance, and I really appreciate it. This BPD thing was a critical piece of the puzzle for me.
Mar 9 - 8PM
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

Borderlines

Hi everyone, I was with my borderline 3 times. The first 2 times we lived together, and the last time we were engaged. This man harmed me more than the Narcs did, and I don't mean maybe. Not that Narcs don't do a lot of damage, because they certainly do, but my borderline relationship felt like it almost killed me. I'd never been that depressed, anxious, angry and confused in my entire life! He kept saying it was my fault that things didn't work out; but I knew in my heart that it wasn't true. So I set out to find an answer, because I wanted to know WHAT it was that caused him to act so odd. I spent one whole year doing research, trying to figure out why I was left in such a horrible state after our last break-up. Low and behold, I found BPD: the raging, the splitting, the unending demands, the constant hoovering & then the distancing, the triangulation. And yes, he took on some of my "stuff." I was into Nascar, so he got into it, etc. The projection was a trip too - never knew what that was until I started reading about the disorder. Anyway, the book I'm currently working on is about toxic relationships - all the Cluster B disorders. However, there will be more on borderlines than the other 3 disorders, because HE is the one whom I've had the most experience with & he is the one who damaged me the most. Name of my book? HEARTBREAK WARFARE! Here is another good article from Shari's site: http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html Love & light! ♥
Mar 10 - 4AM (Reply to #52)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Cougarbabe

I always thought the more research I did on PD, that mine was really a combo of different types, it was all about him,definitely a NARC, he was a hoarder, very paranoid, never trusting of anyone, such a control freak to the point that i was not allowed to open the curtains in the morning and when I finally was allowed to do so, he would come along and straighten them out his way, on and on, but to me it was a buffet of different disorders.
Mar 10 - 3AM (Reply to #51)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

CougerBabe

I love the title of your book! I'm glad you're writing a book about this. We need more information out there about these disorders! I spent a lot of time on Shari's site last week reading about BPD. There's no doubt in my mind this was the issue with my ex. Something about Narcissism never sat right with me. Mine had the traits, sure, but it didn't feel like the whole picture. Even covert narcissism didn't quite capture it. Just as you said, I've never felt this broken in my life. I'm anxious, confused, on edge, weepy - this is not who I am! I had to go looking for answers because I don't want to be this person anymore.
Mar 9 - 6PM
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

Ally

Yes! My therapist told me that she hasn't met him but he sounds like a BPD/NPD combo. I've also been having a tough week, so I feel your pain. I think it's related to his recent hoovering attempts. Mine used to take on ALL of my interests. I started jogging, he would. I tried a new diet, he would. He always tried to take on my new hobbies. Not sure of he was trying to be competitive or just couldn't come up with his own activities? It was weird.
Mar 10 - 3AM (Reply to #47)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

ABC

Whatever the reason, it's uncomfortable, isn't it? If you haven't read up on BPD, you may want to check out the site that's been mentioned in this thread a couple of times. So many pieces have fallen into place for me in the last 12 hours that it's unreal. And yes, the hoovering attempts really do make it worse. For me, too. Hang in there.
Mar 10 - 4AM (Reply to #48)
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

Ally

I know! I feel exactly the same way as you. I read the pages on BPD last night like a maniac and even woke up this morning to read more. I really could have just replaced his name/my name with everything. Even small things in the article were so similar -- like getting me riled up in a public place/family event he would do... and then I would look like the crazy one (and without him I have a very even tempered personality, not much riles me up) and just turning things around if we were having a conversation and somehow he ended up being the victim and I was the bad one. SO, so so much like our relationship. It's crazy... I also feel like so many pieces have falled into place since last night...
Mar 10 - 4AM (Reply to #49)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

ABC

It's liberating, right?! I feel so much more steady today, even though I didn't sleep for all the reading and dreaming. It's like a light bulb came on in my head!
Mar 9 - 7PM (Reply to #45)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ABC

That part of it may have been tied to the "Narc" mirroring...they become whatever YOU are...they do whatever you do...they like whatever you like until they don't like you anymore...then they become something else...
Mar 10 - 3AM (Reply to #46)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Here's the difference

I've done a lot of thinking about this in the last few hours. It seems that both BPD's and NPD's do the mirroring and the projection thing, right? WHAT they do may be the same, but WHY and HOW they do it is a little different. With my ex-fiance (a clear N) he did both. Looking back, the mirroring felt like game. You know, another way to hook me, another part of the mask. The projection was like he couldn't separate me from himself because I was an extension of him. I remember him telling me once that he was feeling fat because he hadn't been to the gym in a week. In the very next sentence, he proceeded to lecture me about when *I* had last been to the gym. Like if *I* went to the gym, it would be him going. The latest ex did both mirroring and projection also. But this time it felt more like he thought of himself as an extension of ME. I don't think the mirroring was about wearing a mask - he really THOUGHT that's who he was. It was like he was absorbing me. The projection was reversed as well. Like if I were to say I really need to hit the gym this week, HE would offer to go. Having experienced both, it really does feel different.
Mar 9 - 5PM
strongerthanever
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Link to this site was in

Link to this site was in another post but, read this: http://gettinbetter.com/anatomy.html The list of traits was pretty much, if not all, the traits my exN had and how our relationship was.
Mar 9 - 6PM (Reply to #43)
ABC0311
ABC0311's picture

Strongerthanever

That article was better than any article I've ever read on borderlines bc I've mainly focused on NPD. So much describes what I went through even more than articles on NPD that I've read. Thanks!!
Mar 9 - 2PM
Steph
Steph's picture

I think, from what I

I think, from what I understand is, that ALL personality disorders have very strong narcissistic traits. So, whatever he is, there is a huge narcissistic aspect to his disorder. Whatever he is, he ain't normal. I am so happy for you that youhave a great therapist!
Mar 9 - 6PM (Reply to #41)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

"Not Normal" is so true! My

"Not Normal" is so true! My exN would tiptoe across the hardwood or tile floors in my house. I would say, "they are clean!" I steam my floors every other day because I have a dog. He had OCD when it came to cleaning. It was a trait I thought was cute, sometimes annoying, but it made him "special" to me. I still catch myself doing things a certain way, his way, when cleaning my house...2 yrs later. That irritates me.
Mar 9 - 3PM (Reply to #40)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Staying Strong...

Yes...I think we can just find this resolved in a few words: Whatever he is, he ain't normal. End of story...FADE TO BLACK! LMAO!
Mar 9 - 1PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

You are correct ally I think

You are correct ally I think he sounds like a borderline. Many believe that they are the most toxic of the cluster b category as they do horrendous emotional damage. I believe mine is what I call a barc I believe he has traits of both. He did not self harm though. I believe that he was a quiet borderline they don't act out like typical borderlines. The silent treatment is their weapon of choice and they typically present as the cassanova type. If you read some of Sherri Schreibers stuff she has written several very informative articles on borderlines. She also discusses why it is so difficult to get over them. I haven't spoken to barc in 5 months and I'm still struggling with the effects he left me with.
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #32)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

SOI

Thank you!! Silent treatment as weapon of choice? Check. Casanova type? Yep. Mine had some self-destructive tenancies, a body piercing impulse, and ADHD as well. I will check out Sherri Schreibers articles. My therapist also recommended a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and I thought I'd check that out. I'm not sure what I'm looking for...peace, I guess. I think information will help.
Mar 9 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Eggshells

Ally - definitely read Stop Walking on Eggshells and the articles on Shari's site. While it doesn't really matter what PD your ex had, it does matter to YOU to understand exactly what you are dealing with. That book and Shari's site will clarify a lot for you. It did for me. I know in my heart that my ex was BPD because my mom is BPD. Once I took a step back from the ex (through NC), and looked at him objectively, I saw that he is my mom all over again and my longing and enmeshment with him is really just a replay of my childhood longing for my mom to be a mother she isn't capable of being.
Mar 9 - 3PM (Reply to #36)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Morty..off topic...

How are you!!? It's so nice to see you! Missed you...hope all is going well... Warm hugs!
Mar 9 - 4PM (Reply to #37)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Hi Michele

Nice to see you too. ;-) I'm doing pretty well. Still hurting a bit but much better and getting better every day. Thanks so much for asking. I'm not as active on the boards anymore because I realized that it was in some ways keeping me enmeshed in the relationship that is no more. Been doing lots of reading and the stuff on BPD has enabled me to fit together all the missing puzzle pieces. So now I'm focused on me and doing what's right for me. I hope you're doing well and are healing too.... (((Michele)))
Mar 9 - 4PM (Reply to #38)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Morty

I do understand completely...there were times I needed a breather but thank GAWD I'm feeling a whole lot better. I can deal with it and I'm sure you remember how rare in form I was... So glad that every day it's getting better for you too! Hugs to you to Morty...BIG WARM ones!
Mar 9 - 3PM (Reply to #34)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Morty

Yes, I think I sensed that I wasn't healing because I was treating the wrong wound. I feel I'm on the right path now.
Mar 9 - 3PM (Reply to #35)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Shari Rocks!

Shari Rocks!
Mar 9 - 1PM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Ally

Mine started emulating me, too. He'd steal my words!
Mar 9 - 3PM (Reply to #27)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Incognito

And that would really piss me off...stealing MY words!! Cause sometimes I come out with some goodies...and he'd get all the friggin glory... One time shared MY home remedy for headache relief with a FB floozie! IMPOSTER!!! FRAUD!!! LETTUCE HEAD!!!
Mar 10 - 5AM (Reply to #28)
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

Michelle115

Just curious. Is your home remedy for a headache sex, or self-pleasure (masturbation), orgasm, etc? One of my former coworkers started passing this headache remedy stuff around at work, which got a lot of laughs. But the best part was that it actually works! I tested it myself. LOL Light & love my friend! ♥ P.S. "LETTUCE HEAD" - that was a good one. :)
Mar 10 - 6AM (Reply to #29)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hey Cougarbabe...

As per the headache remedy...no it was actually quite benign... I suffered from migranes for a time when I first got sick and I was in and out of the ER and they'd drug me up with all kinds of stuff none of it worked... No sooner had I got home from ER in the middle of the night and the drugs wore off and BAM right back to pain and I was about to lose my mind...if you've ever had a migrane they make you want to decapitate yourself...I've had a few run ins with pain that make me start praying for death but migranes are pretty high on that list for me at least. YOU can't function at all! There is no escape!! No relief!! then anxiety kicks in...I'm a friggin mess with pain and part of it my condition makes pain amplified so I'm a hot mess... So I call up a friend...an older friend...a "mommie" figure and I'm bawling on the phone and she says: Take some alcohol and douse a rag with it and tie it around your head, take a tylenol and lay down in the dark a few... I'm like yea right lady has no clue... HONEEEEE within a half hour the pain was GONE!!! now I would have breakthrough pain but I'd just get the rag and put it right back on. It was a bit humiliating to walk around looking like the karate kid...but when I get the flares, I pull out "da" rag and karate kid it is. If you want to try it...I caution you....you have to get the alcohol on the rag just right...too much and the fumes are overwhelming also you don't want it saturated cause then it drips and could hit your eyes so you have to make sure that it's not dripping. Another remedy is to dunk your head underneath cold water. The problem with headaches are I think its the capillaries(?) that get inflammed so essentially what you are tyring to do is reduce the inflammation. This is also true when the source of the headache is coming from inflammation in the neck...another problem I deal with so sometimes I'll have a cold rag on my neck for a few minutes while simultaneously keeping my head wrapped...not a pretty site but hey...it works! -then I can have sex...LMBO - well not as of late but I remain optimistic!
Mar 10 - 10AM (Reply to #30)
CougarBabe7
CougarBabe7's picture

Hey Michelle

Wow, alcohol huh? Cool. I've never heard that one before. Fortunately, I don't get too many migraines, just killer headaches mostly, and not too often at that. So, for this, I am thankful! But it's nice to know that the alcohol dipped rag may very well help me the next time I do get an awful headache. Thanks for sharing! ♥