Borderlines

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Mar 9 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
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Ally

he could be both or borderline with strong narc tendencies...moreover, a lot of therapists have no clue on the narc thing... My mom's been in therapy forever...I just schooled her two weeks ago as she had a hoover after 20 years!!! AND she said: I can't believe in all my years in therapy talking about this NOT ONE THERAPIST ever mentioned this to me!!! I suffered so long not knowing!!! Now she trolls the lady's site who coined the phrase "Assclown" I know most of us landed there at one point or another. She was good, but I got so much more from this site...Mom may very well be trolling here too...I'm staying off the ED thread...LOL
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
ally2375
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Michele

I lucked out with my therapist. After hearing some of the stories on here, I'm so grateful I found her. She is very knowledgeable on Cluster B's and has helped me work through a lot. She told me that the intensity of people with BPD is part of why the healing process is so long. Maybe I need to be doing something different to recover, I don't know. I'm glad your mom has finally made the connection. I had a similar experience with a family who was in counseling for years and it was never mentioned. Frustrating, I'm sure.
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #25)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ally

In my case...almost impossible to find someone that got it...and given my neck of the woods it is very surprising but true... I am so happy that you found someone you really are very very fortunate! This board is really what helped me get my head screwed on a little tighter... Still work to do but I'm far from that paralyzed shell I was a few months back.... Hugs...and very very excited for you that you found someone!
Mar 9 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Mirrior mirror on the wall

Mirrior mirror on the wall are you a narc or borderline after all? My therapist suggested mine to be boderline too! I'm not sure there is a huge difference! My Narc did do everything the same as myself. It's just a way to suck us in. I think that's where clusterB comes into play, a little of this a little of that! In the end Nuts is still Nuts!
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
newpage
newpage's picture

Ally, I agree- a lot of the

Ally, I agree- a lot of the PD traits apparently overlap. Either way, N or B- its affirmation- it isn't you. I think there is something wrong with mine, but my therapist has never suggested anything other than 'he's an asshole'. (Which was a little comforting.)At least you can have some validation now knowing that there is something wrong with him. Plus, yours may not have a knowledge of NPD like Michele said. Just remember your story when you feel weak- he's disordered! You never were the problem. NP
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
ally2375
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NP

Thanks. :) I agree that I wasn't the problem. I'm lovely! (lol) He's definitely disordered, no doubt. I'm just trying to figure out if the healing process is a little different with BPD. Dunno - maybe I'm on the wrong track. Now I have Madonna's "Borderline" stuck in my head. Urg!
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
newpage
newpage's picture

Funny

...when I saw the title of the thread, the first thing that sprung to mind was...Madonna? Maybe it is part of the healing process, that I can see the word 'borderline' and not think immediately of my ex! (who I often speculate about) You are lovely, and I don't think you are on the wrong track. A lot of us wonder about what we were dealing with. Some of us will never know. For me personally, though I don't know what I was dealing with- or even if I was dealing with a disordered person- reading about Narcissism, BPD, and everything else has at least helped me recognize the ups and downs of toxic relationships. In the long run, knowledge is power, and you are gaining the strength to be able to view this relationship objectively, and recognize the destructive patterns in these toxic relationships, etc... Be well, NP
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
ally2375
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NP

You crack me up! Yes, I think it's better to channel Madonna than the ex! I've spent the last couple of hours reading up on BPD and there's no doubt in my mind that that's what I was dealing with. I can't tell you how liberating this is. The reasons women get involved with BPD men ALL fit for me. It's empowering because I have a better idea of what I need to heal in myself. Knowledge IS power!
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
gettinbetter
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Ally you are correct. The

Ally you are correct. The whole BPD thing is a little different due to the fact that they do the most emotional damage. While their aim is to control like the others they do it solely by emotional means. Everything has an emotional twist to it or undertone. I had always referred to it as a hit and run so when I saw on Shari's site that you will feel like you have been in a hit and run I was like YES! YES! I have read lots on BPD. Dont get tempted like I did to think you can fix them. I read that unlike alot narcs they do feel. Their problem is they feel too much or too little its an emotional dysregulation problem. So you start feel like maybe you can just try to understand more or see things from BPD's view. You cant. Shari indicates that these people can be healed but they wont. If they are willing it can take years. But I agree the BPD's do the most damage and when I see people on here that just cant move on such as myself in my opinion its that they have been with someone with BPD. One of the reasons I have not been able to recover quickly is that in many ways I am just like him. I have always felt that we both suffer with fear of abandonment it just manifest in different ways. I am codpendent and he is Bpd Narc. He runs and I cling. He even confirmed this when we first reconnected I ask him why he seemed to remember our relationship differently and he said I think we had the same fears but from different view points. This is precisely the reason that even after 15 years when I saw him he felt like home.
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #22)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

You make a great point SOI

to not get tempted to think you can fix the BPD. Believe me, it took me 42 years to realize that there's nothing I can do to "fix" my mom. I had to decide. Either I accept her for who she is and or I go NC. I chose acceptance. And what does that mean? That I maintain very firm boundaries with her. I keep her at arm's length and I do not allow her to cross those boundaries. I guess I could have done the same with the BARC. He wanted me to. He wanted me to stay in his life and be his "best friend". But I knew that he wouldn't honor my boundaries. He wanted me to remain in love with him while he put up his wall to protect himself from getting hurt (he even told me that doing so was his defense mechanism). But the wall meant he was allowed to act all aloof with me however the minute I stopped being my loving, puppy dog self and acted aloof back, I got knocked down and raged at. I realized at that time, as hard as it was to go NC, that being under the control of someone so unpredictable was no way to live. And since I had lived that way all my life with my mom, I knew I had to cut him out of my life. It was the hardest thing I've ever done because I know that by doing so, I was abandoning him - his biggest fear and that he would never forgive me for it. But it had to be done for my own sanity.
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #20)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

SOI

Everything you say makes total sense to me. An emotional hit and run, that's it. I'm not going to try to fix him, but I'm wary of reading anything that gives suggestions on how to make a relationship with a BPD work. I'm afraid I'll be tempted. I hate to say that I'm glad you understand, but this is so validating for me. I just couldn't understand why I wasn't healing. It's like I hit a wall and the healing stopped. My ex-fiancé was a classic N, and healing from that was hard, but NOTHING like this. Not even the same league.
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #21)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

So now you understand why I

So now you understand why I have hives LOL! He left my life again no goodbye, no kiss my ass, nothing as if I never existed. He showed up this past year wreaked his havoc and now he is gone.
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Hi Ideal

The difference for me is in the healing process. With my ex fiance, as difficult as it was, I healed and felt normal again within a few months. It was hard, but I got real about who he was, got angry about how he'd treated me, and (gradually) got over it. Right now, I'm concerned I'm not healing. I don't feel like myself. I'm still depleted and down, and I haven't seen him almost three months. Also, I can't get angry. Everyone talks about how critical that is to healing, but I just can't get there. So, I'm trying to understand BPD because I think it could be key to my healing.
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

Anger

Ally - don't pressure yourself too much. It took me about twelve months before I actually got angry. For the first twelve I was in the total sadness stage. For the past three months, I've been in angry mode, although that's starting to die down a bit now. I refuse to set a timeline for when I think I should be over this. I'll get over it in my own due time. You will too.
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
Steph
Steph's picture

about anger.....it took me

about anger..... it took me until recently before I REALLY embraced the whole anger thing. It came and went before, but I REALLY have felt it recently. You are so right in not giving things a "time line". You will feel what you need to feel when the time is right.
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Part of the key Ally

Is that on some level no matter how you slice it trauma was involved in this particular relationship... Whether it's recognized or not... Whether we are suppressing or not... TRAUMA And that is why it is taking so long...the mind, body and spirit are still trying to process and recover... It takes time...whatever he is...
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #10)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Michele

BUT I'M IMPATIENT! I WANT TO BE HEALED NOW! (kidding) I understand that it takes time. I'm just so tired of being sad, you know? Understanding Narcissism was so helpful in starting the process, I thought maybe understanding BPD would help as much.
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #11)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ally you said almost three months?

Hahahahaha...rolling over...sending you a cup of patience tea... I'm not a wimp, not by a longshot... I think that by month three I was able to walk to the corner? You're doing fine... Although this is not to deter you from the notion that he is Borderline, but rather to say that whichever personality disorder you feel fits... Because it was a personality disorder that played a game on the psyche...it's gonna take a little longer. From what I see...and your motivation to heal...you are on the right track. Do not exacerbate things by stressing over a timeframe...that's all...it will pass...I'm still going through my things too but it is significantly less...I can "breathe" again...
Mar 9 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Michele - lol

Well, I'm not known for my patience, that's for sure. But, it's 3 months since I've seen him, almost 5 months NC. And, by the time I went NC I was simply exhausted. That's why I'm whining today. :) I'm ready to be myself again! I know you say 18 months, but man that's a long time!
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

The key is communication,

The key is communication, expression, I can say there was another man in my life long ago he explained why things couldn't continue although it hurt/ I loved him, he was honest and made sure I was always doing ok! He cared! My N, just cut me off ,devalued and disguarded ,me like trash out of the blue! No closure! I hope you sort it out! I'm done trying, I know from being here he is CRAZY, it hurts, I guess that's the closure I get. Idealk
Mar 9 - 1PM
momoya
momoya's picture

yes

ExN said in the beginning "I want a Degree in momoya" Hmmmm. He was almost too much into me on the phone, reading so much into the tone of my voice. If I tried to change a subject he would stick to it and say "no no, what WERE you going to say?" It is hard to describe but it felt like he was studying me intensly, I thought this was to 'get to know me' No. This was more intense than that.

momoya

Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
LinaS
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Mine said that too! He said

Mine said that too! He said he wanted to know everything about me and he studied me intensely, just like you have described. He remembered everything I ever told him, and he could read me like a book. He always knew when I felt low just from the punctuation in my chat-messages. And he was the most wonderful lover, because he always seemed to notice when I felt the slightest uncomfortable. It always made me feel so treasured and taken care of. But now I realise that he also loved to make a show out of it and point out to me how thoughtful he was. And that he showed total disregard for my feelings on other occasions.
Mar 9 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

"He always knew when I felt

"He always knew when I felt low just from the punctuation in my chat-messages." Oh my gosh - YES! I swear he would know how I was feeling even before *I* knew! Read me like a book is exactly right. And it made me feel treasured and taken care of as well. :( I read today that Borderlines like to go back and forth between idealization and devaluation. That stuck out to me because mine totally did that. Either I was the world's most perfect creature that day or he did not want to associate with me at all (aka Silent Treatment)
Mar 9 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
LinaS
LinaS's picture

Ally

I´ve wondered about my ex too. I don´t know if he´s a narcissist or a bordeline or a barc (which I think is a wonderful name, by the way). He definitely is a casanova. And he didn´t seem so self-absorbed all the time. He could really focus on me, and it seemed to give him great pleasure to do so. I strongly suspect that he changes his personality depending on who he´s currently seeing. He used to tell me all about his devoted christian life with his ex-wife. But with me he was reluctant to even set foot in a chuch. With the girlfriend before me he was a vegetarian, but with me he happily enjoyed large steaks. He´s a true chameleon. He didn´t go back or forth between idealization and devaluation though. It was more like a slow retreat with sporadic outbursts of affection to keep me hanging.
Mar 9 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Momoya

Yes. Intense was the word my therapist used. That's what it was for me, too. He was memorizing every fact of my life, every like and dislike. It was unnerving at times.