Why can't I stop?? help! :(
Why can't I stop?? help! :(
I keep thinking I feel ok. I feel strong. Then, something totally random sets me off.
Today, in my belly dance class, a girl had an engagement ring on. I feel like I 'll never be engaged again. I'm lonely, and the thought of being with anyone makes my skin crawl. I'm afriad.
I'm afraid of having to live with my psychopathic X, I'm afraid of how sad it still makes me that he rejected me after beating me. I'm sad that he is ok, that he's with someone else, moving on... I'm stuck with all of this pain.
I'm scared of taking care of myself, never having babies, that the dreams won't ever stop. I'm scared I will never have a healthy relationship. He calls to 'chat', i dont answer, keep my emails stricktly to bussiness, and I feel like a bitch. I feel myself longing for his stupid aqpproval. And, like everyone else on here, I'm terrified of him being happy with someone else, vallidating my fear and his abuse. Vallidating that there is, in fact, something wrong with me.
I alwasy felt like there was. I never fit in in school and always got bullied. My father rarely, if ever talks to me. He says he's 'afraid to upset me', that i'm too sensitive and he 'always upsets me;, so i never talk to him. When I lived at home as a teenager, he would go weeks without talking to me. When my ex husband did that to me, my heart felt like it was ripped out. I hurt in places i never knew i had. I told him it hurt me more than the belt beating did, and it did.
I feel like something must be so wrong with me. I know you guys say there isn't, but you don't have to live with me. I was so afraid, so insecure, especially after the personal ads and porn... i couldn't be out in public with him. Now, he can find someone aqnd not do those things to her, so she can trust him. why couldn't he just be that way with me?
The sexual rejection killed me. he said he couldn't 'feel close' to me. why could he feels close to girls on craigslist and porno? He was 14 years older than me, but he never had an issue getting that sucker up. It was just purely a rejection of me. The laast straw was after me begging to give me another chance, we tried to work it out. After two dates of what seemed like confusing hell, and him leaving with me curled up in a ball half naked crying, i couldn't take it anymore. I'm sure he would have gone on like that forever or until he found someone else. i stopped it, and told my lawyer to go ahead and proceed.
I'm only 31, but i feel like i'm too old to start over. Right now, all i have to do is go to school. He pays for everything. I feel barely capable of that... how will i survive when i have to be a grown up like everyone else?
I'm so scared. I dont want to be alone, i dont want to be with anyone, and god help me, i *so* don't want him to be happy.
I feel like a piece of trash. I feel like he's moved on and i am still hurting because of him/for him. I hate that I can;t stop it. I hate myself today.
I'm sorry for my negative, self piti, and pathetic ranting. thank you for listening. Love ya'll
so.... now i'm being ignored to punish me
Honey, what's happening to
briesis thank you
They would do a LOT more
briesis
Fierflie
michelle115
It sounds like you really
briesis...
LOL!! You are a better woman
briesis
fierflie
I totaly get that to be
but i think animals do have empathy
i went out...
I know
Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry
funsize...
Fierflie, they get worse
better off
YES!
better off
You SHOULD be intolerant
Also, there IS NO what if he
Your biggest obstacle in
only one way to go...Forward (tm?)
aww fierflie
sick of it.....
No Fierflie!
sick of it.....
fireflie,