One week ago today, my world turned completely upside. Background is needed before I get to that point so please bear with me. Two and a half years ago I was seduced by N. He was my daughter's basketball coach. I later found out that the only reason he agreed to coach one more season was if he could have the MILF mom on the team (I was his next supply source). He sent an email to the parents saying that he'd be our children's coach and provided the practice schedule. At the time, I knew nothing of his past, just that I witnessed how great he was with kids and I was thrilled my daughter would be mentored by him. I replied and told him that I was thrilled he would be my daugther's coach for her final season in elementary school. Wrong move. I get a reply a day later asking if I realized I was incredible eye candy. I was hooked.
We were both married (again, horrible judgement) and were at a stage in our relationships where things were extremely routine and dull. We provided solace for each other. Words flowed freely. We had so much in common. We had someone that would listen and respond. One thing led to another and I was in the midst of the three month honeymoon phase. Like may of you, he was my soul mate. My Knight in Shining Armor. He chose me! He was an english teacher and very well versed with words. He knew how to seduce and, boy, was he good. I fell hook, line, and sinker. He was completely different than my husband--outgoing not quiet; charming not low-key; outward arrogance vs. a quiet confidence. You name it, I found everything positive in him that I was yearning for in my husband.
Early on in our relationship he confessed that I was his third affair. He was my second. We agreed it was definitely not something we were proud of and were obviously lacking something in our marriage that we weren't getting. We felt this was it. Everything was a learning experience that led us to each other.
The courtship was amazing. We couldn't get enough of one another. Every opportunity to sneak out or meet, we did. I love you came three weeks into what is now the worst train wreck of my life. I couldn't believe that a relationship could be this good. I was addicted! Then came Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I was confused. He would disappear on the weekends with no contact. Excuses were "I need time," "My wife was questioning the phone bill," or "this is moving too fast." I couldn't understand. Had no experience with this whatsoever. Told myself I was better off not messing with fire and that my husband was a saint. Monday would roll around and I would email and say, "what's wrong? something isn't right." He would refute it by saying everything was fine and that I was just being paranoid. He didn't have all day to email...that he did have to teach. That certainly wasn't an issue in the honeymoon phase when he wanted in my pants, now was it? He would withdraw and I would beg for more. Not knowing this is what N's long for, I fed right into his trap. I pined after him like an idiot school girl.
The high would resume and we were back to "normal." (If there ever is a normal with an N.) Summer came, school was out, and he was free to golf and relax and do whatever. He would stop to see me at work. Bring me food and goodies. He loved taking care of me! At some point in our relationship, he gave me the password to his phone and email accounts. "Whatever is mine is yours." Wrong move on his part. I was able to track everything. Turns out that he was secretly texting his 2nd affairee and meeting her. I was devastated. I tried calling him on it several times, but he would deny, deny, deny.
Then came Christmas. The rollercoaster was at a low. I sensed something wasn't right AGAIN. Checked the phone bill and, yep, there was the 2nd ex again. This time I took matters into my own hands. I called her and told her we were both being made fools of. She wasn't surprised at all. Not only was she sucked back in, but she was used. Turns out they had sex (surprise!). She told me that I, like she, needed to move on...that somewhere in there she was certain he loved, but not like we do...she told me to get counseling and to stick to my guns. We broke it off for a few days, but I didn't listen. When I confronted him with the news and that his betrayal to me was confirmed, he poured on the charm. "We are going to make it. We can do this. It's you and me." Like a blubbering idiot, I was sucked back in.
Throughout the relationship, our families would get together. Our kids were friends. It made it easy to see each other without hiding. I noticed early on, his youngest daughter had issues of her own...constantly whaling and crying to act like she got hurt to get attention. She was a teenager and would sit on her dad's lap in public, carress his back, hang all over him. He talked about her non-stop, as if the oldest didn't mean a thing. It was a little too close for comfort with me. I had an uneasy feeling and even told him at one point that it wasn't healthy. I now know that he's raising an N to be just like him.
Jealousy issues were huge. He emailed female co-workers and would flirt with them on-line. He had radar for the new MILF's that would arrive on his varsity teams. He was smooth and he knew it. I would confront and he would accuse me of not trusting him. NO KIDDING!?!?! "We are just friends. That's what friends do." Yeah, right. I don't tell my friends how hot they are and make plans to meet for coffee to chat. When a guy would flirt with me, all hell would break loose. Major temper tantrums. He even threatened to drive in front of an 18-wheeler. (I should have let him.) Double standards, eh? The rollercoaster resumed and it was one rocky ride. I was suckered back each and every time. All the while, my home and work life were suffering tremendously. I would sneak away for hours to be with him when I should have been with my kids. Hard lesson learned.
Sex was great (or so I thought until I started reading other threads). He was very much into porn...me being his porn star...and self-masturbation. I thought, "This is one guy tuned in to his sexuality. How nice." OMG, I am such an idiot!
Fastforward to the last three months. They were like the first three. Heaven on earth. I had my guy back. He was everything I wanted and more. We made plans to come clean to our spouses. We talked it over and rehashed it THOROUGHLY. I would say, "Are you certain you want to do this?" He would refute, "If it isn't you, it's nobody. I will go back to my dull life and sit in my chair and sulk." Red flags are everywhere and I'm just not seeing it. I even gave him the opportunity to take a break. Nope. He wanted me. He just didn't know how to get there.
Last week forced us to confront the issue. We were caught by his wife...having lunch at their house. Had she walked in 15 minutes earlier, there would have been no doubt. She and my husband were in denial. They refused to see what was happening before their eyes. And even though we were caught, she said nothing to me and walked out. Had the tables been turned, I would have been furious.
Separation and divorce discussions occurred throughout the week. We would meet to compare notes and I explicitly asked on our last day together, "If he asks if it is you, what do I tell him?" He said, "Yes." There wasn't a blink. I thought this was it. He had finally committed to us and was changing.
The next day I was confronted and I didn't lie. The truth was out and I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders. Our relationship no longer had to be a suspicion. As devestating as this would be to my kids, I would be happy, and as a result, they would be, too. We were going to move forward.
WRONG. When I broke the news to N that he was out of the closet so to speak, he immediately froze. The look in his eye was of evil. He went cold and said, "I can't go through with this. We are done." No emotion, no sorry, no maybe later. It was over. He tried to shed a tear, but now I know that was fake beyond belief. I was stunned, shocked, I went into a comatose state for the next 4 days.
UNBELIEVABLY, my husband chose to stick by me. Why is beyond my comprehension. As I stated, he's a saint. I told him everything. Left no stone unturned. If we were going to make this work, he had to know what he was up against. A lot of shed tears, but he has vowed we will make it through. My therapist told me, "now you may realize what it really feels like to be loved."
As I said when I started, it's been a week. I talked to him twice to clear the air and to somehow get a feeling for what the hell happened between last week and this week. How did I miss the signs? My girlfriend even said she thought he had changed. Instead, he walked away and left a family in shambles without thinking twice. I am as much to blame. Completely. I had so many opportunities to walk away and I didn't. I fed into his narcissistic supply. I now know I was used mentally, physically, and financially. It was all a game to him. That is the part I really am struggling with. I cared for him like no other. I was duped.
I have done so much research on NPD and have read hundreds of testimonials. It's like reading my life before my eyes. I came across a quote that was so timely. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him." I'd like to do my crying now and get it over with. Unfortunately, we live in the same small town. I'm bound to run into him somewhere.
Unless you are brainwashed by an N, nobody has any idea what we have gone through. I'm an educated woman with a great position and I didn't see it. Everybody else around me said how much of a jerk he was. He just caught me at a vulnerable time.
Here is best wishes and hopeful healing to all of you out there dealing with this tragedy.