The HOOVER is NOT a compliment!!!

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#1 Dec 28 - 8AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

The HOOVER is NOT a compliment!!!

There is much talk and concern on here regarding the hoover.

What is a hoover?

Sometimes it is simply an attempt for the PD to SCREW with you. They are bored or angry with you, someone else has just pissed them off so why not take it out on you.

Sometimes they are afraid, afraid of losing you as future supply. Afraid of being alone because new supply is low at the time. Afraid you will TELL and if they keep you sucked in and "hooked" you will keep your mouth shut. PD's do NOT like to be alone and they do not like to be low on new supply so they call you in a "lonely" space when new supply does not answer the phone. Afraid that you will find someone else if they do not hoover and then they may lose you as future supply. NOT future love of their life, but future supply. PD's do NOT love, they devour, they use, they destroy.

Sometimes new supply is just not working out for the PD. They can see right through them, they are not giving so freely of the money, or time. They are not as willing to play their sexual games, and PD's like to control and manipulate so they go back to their last victim for another FIX. Not because they love you or she is better or you are worse or you are better and she is worse. Has nothing to do with this, it's willingness. Are you still willing to play the game?

More often than not hoovering is about control and or boredom on the part of the PD.

It is NOT a reflection on how much they LOVE you or WANT you. It is about their needing or wanting something FROM YOU in the MOMENT. This is a tough one to accept; yet it is the truth. We know them by their fruits; we know them by their past behaviors. There is NOT NOT NOT going to be anything new or different here, no matter what they SAY, the actions will continue to remain the SAME and in some cases worse, because if you let them back they lose all respect for you and feel as though they have more control over you than ever. This is not about love; this is a sick game with them.

This is why if you ACCEPT the hoover and whether or not you either talk with them or have them over, you always feel badly shortly thereafter, because you soon see that nothing has changed.

You were simply being used again by a PD. An emotional vampire. A preditor who wants to suck you dry and once you are depleted again of your joy and resources, they are once again gone. This may take a day it may take a few weeks, but they are gone again and of course they were never there to begin with, it was only an act, part of the script, the movie.

WHY then do we get so excited when they hoover or so sad and angry when they don't?

Because we are still addicted to them, still addicted to the FEELING which WE had when we were with them. Notice, I did NOT say the feeling THEY had because they did not, you miss the FEELING you had, the only problem is that YOU were the only one feeling the feeling and this is why you are so drained and exhausted after dealings with the PD once that initial HIGH wears off.

You are doing the work for two; think childbirth. Try doing that everyday for a few years AGAIN and see how you feel after that. This only get's worse, never better, regardless to what you may be thinking when you are in the throe's of YOUR addiction. Kidd yourself one more time and years may go by before you get out once your addiction is on full throttle.

Once you break YOUR addiction to the PD, that feeling of wanting the hoover and dreading it at the same time will leave. This is NOT disimilar to the drug addict, once they get the DRUG out of their system, the desire lessons in time.

One of the reasons some remain emeshed with the PD for so long is because they continue to feed that dog, and in some cases months after the PD is physically gone. Don't feed the dog, work the steps, change your thinking, refuse to entertain long drawn out "plays" in your mind. Get up and do something else when this starts. WE do have control over what we do, what we allow, and what we chose to entertain for our daily bread, our thoughts. LET GO of the illusion of the PD, there is nothing there for you and responding to the hoover is a sure formular for more PAIN.

Because once you remain COMPLETELY NC long enough to heal; you begin to see and know the PD for what they honestly are and not your version seen through rose colored glasses, but the truth of who they are, what they did to you, and what they will continue to do to you if you let them back.

The only way to break the cycle is to stay completely away from them and their manipulative influence over you.

The Hoover is in NO way shape or form a compliment, it is an attack on your serenity, and attack on your efforts to move on, an attack on your new life, and attack on your sobriety from the ill effects of the PD in your life.

Once the PD knows that you are done and they learn this by your not breaking NC EVER, they hoover's will lesson and they will eventually find someone else.

You cannot remain friends with a PD, why would you want to? It's like trying to turn your life over to God and the Devil at the same time, does this make any sense?

Either you want the light or you want the darkness, this is a choice, we cannot have it both ways.

AVOID the hoover, it is NOT a "SIGN" that he loves you or has changed in any way. PD's DO NOT CHANGE, it is who they are now.

God bless,
Goldie

Dec 30 - 12PM
clover16
clover16's picture

thank you!

Dear Goldie, Thank you for writing these words. I haven't been on line very much over the holidays but have just read your post and the comments, and they're so so helpful. I posted something about silent treatment a week or so ago, and I've been struggling with the feeling of being "rejected". Waiting for a hoover moment to show that he still thought about me (so much so that I ended up breaking down and calling him over christmas, which was a cold reminder to not call him again!) Trying to not see hoovering as a compliment is a really good way of re-thinking this very difficult process! Happy new year!
Dec 30 - 4PM (Reply to #49)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I hear you Clover

I used to think this as well, that if I did not hear from then that it was a reflection of the degree to which he cared. Then I got hoovered several times. A few times I took him back and it was more sheer hell. By the end I was so burned out by his lie's, cheating, drugs, and games that a hoover was more of a sure death sentence than anything else. Not a literal death but a slow killing for my heart and soul. He hoovered me daily over the holidays and I did not respond because I now know that no matter what he says, it will ultimately turn to stone as my heart and mind tell me that this is not a good person and he is not real. I no longer have the need for a fake, fantacy relationship and once we come to this place, we truly get that they are full of crapola, then the hoover becomes a nusiance more than anything else, a nusiance to my new found serentiy without him. The last time he walked out that door, I felt the weight of the world lift from me and after a couple of weeks of emotion I was done, I had already cried a hundred tears, pleaded with God to change him and make things right, and been so angry, I did not even know who I was. I was done. You will reach this point and maybe you had to see his cruelty one last time. I hope and pray this is it for you, that you are not going to be going to the dry well looking for water anymore. Here's to a narc free 2012 for you, for me, and for all of us. God bless, Goldie
Dec 29 - 10AM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

thanks Goldie!!

Haven't been on here in a while and need my fix every once in a while as I'm sure he's living his great life, traveling, dinners etc and I'm struggling daily to pay my bills. No hoovers in 3 weeks and I think he's done, pray that he's done!! You are spot on, if we are willing to engage them and play their game, thats all it is. Sad but I have to keep remembering the bad stuff and that is why I come on here to read and remind myself that I was just supply and the new OW are just supply too. Part of me still has a hard time thinking that he is pulling the wool over these smart beautiful women and they have no clue and are happy with him and the way things are. At least the hoovers meant that he is doing it to the OW too and they aren't getting better treatment. Coming to this board always set me back on the track away from Narcville! Hugs Lisa
Dec 29 - 12AM
vFox
vFox's picture

Thank you, Goldie!

I couldn't have read this at a better time! My N cut me out due to the fact he has a new g/f. Its been such an ego blow. Part of me wanted him to reach out/hoover in some way 1) possibly showing he cared (I have come to realize he didn't-which has been difficult to accpet) and 2)So the NC can be on my terms, not because he decided so...so he can come around and I can reject him the same way he did me, but what you told Sea couldn't have been more true...I am blessed he hasn't contacted me. Thank you so much Goldie...I am new around here, but know I will gain so much insight from you and many others. -V
Dec 29 - 7AM (Reply to #46)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Welcome vFox

You are very welcome and have a great attitude about recovery. Get the step book, begin reading and you will heal faster the more you put into your recovery. God bless, Goldie
Dec 28 - 10PM
Run4it
Run4it's picture

Cowards

My N was such a coward. He hovered via US Mail sending me Bible Studies and notes hoping they "found me well" all while he was making a fool of himself with his married OW. Absolute coward.
Dec 28 - 7PM
Sea
Sea's picture

a few questions for Goldie

Thanks Goldie, this is an empowering post, love it! There are 3 questions that are bothering me. I would appreciate if you can help to enlighten me. 1. ExN completely ignored me in the 5 months of my NC. He has replaced me with new gf and still keeps his stable of OW. Many times I really wanted him to contact me so that I can ignore him, at least for once! I know these disordered people don’t give us any closure. I think if I can ignore him at least once it would ease some pain of feeling so discarded. 2. If the exN is violating our boundaries if they hoover, are we saying the respect our boundaries if they don’t? I know this cant be as they hoover purely due to low supply. 3. ExN is always high on NS as he is rich, good looking and has a good career. Does it mean he will never hoover and I can expect never to hear from him again? Or he has totally forgotten about me and never remember me anymore? Thanks !! Sumiko
Dec 28 - 8PM (Reply to #37)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Sumiko

I do not BUY that the reason that you want him to hoover is so that you can ignore him. I have heard this said many times on here, and most ALL of the people who have said this, broke contact when the narc finally did hoover them. So in my opinion this is one of the lie's which you are telling yourself. My guess is that you do want closure and you do hope that he contacts you again. The notion that they can take off without so much as a goodby, have a good life, is very unsettling. Would it make a difference if he hoovered and you broke contact and got your closure, not in the slightest. You would not feel better, you would not get your answers, and you would still be left feeling bad. Because with a PD, there is NO CLOSURE, no matter how many times they hoover or how many times you break NC. You are blessed that he has not contacted you because you were not strong enough at the time to resist the hoover and as you grow and realize what he is, I do believe you are growing stronger every day and eventually you will be able to resist if he contacts you in the future, because by then, you would have moved past all of this. The PD does not care in the slightest about your bounderies one way or another, I did not say anything about bounderies in my post, what I said was that they do not care if you are getting on with your life and even have found someone else, this is all irrelevant to them. They care about themselves and their current supply and if times are not looking good for them or they are angry or bored, they will give you a shout. It is not a sign that they respect you if they do "respect" your bounderies because if they fail to hoover you, it is because they are angry with you and don't want to give you the satifaction or they are busy, or you are no longer good supply because you speak up too much for yourself now or longer will play their games. Take it as a compliement to your empowerment when they no longer hoover, they are saying that they can no longer play you and there is nothing left to take. Yes, if they have plenty of supply, you may never hear from them again. High powered, good looking narcs, who have money, power, fame, ect... often do NOT go back to old supply because they have a steady flow. Sumiko, you are being watched over here, the power's of the universe DO NOT want you with this man. What you need to do now is to believe this, accept this, and find new meaning in your life. You are so much better than this, and as difficult as this may be for you to feel someday's. This it the truth. One day you will be happy with someone much better than this man. He was your first big love and it is bittersweet to lose this, but I KNOW that there are much better things in store for you when you can get over this hurt. God bless, Goldie
Dec 28 - 10PM (Reply to #43)
janemarie
janemarie's picture

Swan

"Take it as a compliement to your empowerment when they no longer hoover, they are saying that they can no longer play you and there is nothing left to take." Goldie said some powerful stuff in this quote!!!!!! Believe it.....Live it....Own it....It's yours!!! (can I have some too?) Love it! xoxo
Dec 28 - 10PM (Reply to #42)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

The rejection hurts....yes it

The rejection hurts....yes it does. But to want him to reestablish contact would be like stitching my heart up with a knife. He doesn't get the chance to cut me to pieces twice. Once was enough. I pray he finds peace and contentment where he is so no more ppl get hurt.....
Dec 28 - 10PM (Reply to #38)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks Goldie, your advice is

Thanks Goldie, your advice is so precious to me. You have answered the questions that are lingering in my mind for the longest. I think everyone’s case is different. I am dealing with a high power, very rich, good looking, successful and influential Narc. I face a different set of problems. I’ve read so much that Narcs always come back to hoover, contact their old NS. You are the FIRST person to tell me it is NOT going to happen. This is so empowering, Goldie, you set my mind off to freedom. I actually feel at peace that someone with superb understanding on NPD tells me it is NOT happening and I can let go of the secret wish that he will one day contact me due to the N textbook definition. Thanks Goldie. Even if he one day feels so much as to contact me its just some temporary boredom or anger at current NS. For such things it cannot be anticipated as they are scrambled egg. It may or may not happen. Thinking aloud, I have these conclusions: 1. He doesn’t care for me, never did, never will. It shouldn’t matter because what matters is I should care for myself. 2. He is living such high life, new non-stop supply of new beautiful young talented woman, I am feeling jealous that is for sure. How could I be suffering in pain all these months while he feels zero pain and wine & dine the women, goes off on expensive holidays enjoying etc. Shining in his career. Now I have accepted that there is nothing I can do about this. I should stop torturing myself. What he is doing at his end has absolutely no relevance to me as vice versa. He is not looking at my life, no interest, I should do the same. Pain, should be for a while, once I don’t obsess anymore, time will help fade him away. 3. Acceptance is key, I have to accept that he has completely moved on, forgotten about me. I should move on as well. He will never come back as the person as I wished he is, he was never that person to begin with. The loss is permanent, there is no such person at all (the person I fall in love with). Yes Goldie, he was my first big love. I had so much dreams and hope with him. I thought he loves me, he cares about me, wants me, have a future with me. The loss of dreams and love is a lot to bear with. This is one thing I would never forget. He was an episode of my life. From my Buddhism belief, my affinity with him is over, this is it. His part in my life is over forever. The only way is forward. Thanks Goldie OXOX Sumee
Dec 28 - 10PM (Reply to #39)
NessMIA
NessMIA's picture

If you stick to your #1..the

If you stick to your #1..the rest will be easy. "1. He doesn’t care for me, never did, never will. It shouldn’t matter because what matters is I should care for myself." It shouldn't matter if he cares, and yes take care of yourself..and you do that by NO CONTACT. Delete him from your FB, block his number..do everything in your power to do it! By really sticking to NC, you can also stop wondering if he will contact you or not. Remember it is YOUR choice to go NC; you should feel EMPOWERED. Do it for yourself. trust me, you don't want him to hoover. It has only made my pain last longer.. Feel free to PM me anytime you wish. xx
Dec 29 - 12AM (Reply to #40)
Sea
Sea's picture

Thanks NessMIA, I've deleted

Thanks NessMIA, I've deleted him from FB, IM and blocked him everywhere. I dont seek information on him. Somehow we are working in the same industry, not the same firm tho. Information sometimes still comes to me. All these would go away once I relocate to a new place in Feb next year. I am leaving and he should be aware and ignored me. We had a long history with him recruiting me as his pupil then his staff and then we "fall in love" and I became his gf. Now i am his Ex. I have to cling on Goldie's words and hang in there. OX
Dec 29 - 10AM (Reply to #41)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Sea I know how hard it must

Sea I know how hard it must be to not get a hoover but Goldie and everyone is right and I feel you are luckier that you haven't. My exN is also, rich, successful and is off wining and dining and vacationing with his new supply of women. I haven't had a hoover in about a month and I hope that he will never hoover again. I risk seeing him as we live in the same town and work at same company but he is living his life and only wanted me around as local supply as long as I would play his game. I will not play his game and he knows it. Be thankful you have not been hoovered, it doesn't mean he loves any of the other woman more than you, he does not have the capacity to love anyone. Its only about who he can use and who will play his game. You are smart and successful and do not need to play the Narc game or be his supply any longer. Hugs, Lisa
Dec 28 - 6PM
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Love it!

Truth. Hoovering is just another tool in their twisted, sadistic little attempt at keeping you in their grasp. Like a cat toying with a trapped mouse.....they let you go only far enough and long enough to keep you running. The trick is to play their game by NOT playing their game. Game over.
Dec 28 - 7PM (Reply to #35)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Game over

I am Reclaiming myself and my Power. God bless, Goldie
Dec 28 - 2PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Thank you Goldie!

I've been off the forum for about a month and just received a controlling hoover. Thank you for the insights! I needed it.
Dec 28 - 7PM (Reply to #33)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I know it because I am living it

X has been hoovering daily for weeks now. He even showed up at my house while I was on the phone with a one on one client and she said: "This is great, I get to see an example of a hoover and NC as part of my one on one session." Lol, I did not plan this and having her on the phone actually helped me as well. He kept calling my name as he knocked on the door and I went in the bedroom and kept right on talking and eventually he left. I have no idea what he wanted because he is blocked on my phone, so who knows and who cares because one this is for certain: It would only be more of the same ole same and EVEN IF he upped the ante by agreeing to one of my deal breakers, I KNOW for certain that this would only be a ploy to try and suck me back in. I AM ALL SET!!! God bless, Goldie
Dec 28 - 2PM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

This is a truly excellent

This is a truly excellent post, Goldie! Thank you so much for posting it. You have hit the nail right on the head. The hoover is NOT a compliment. Complete NC is only way to heal and remove the PD from your life.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Dec 28 - 7PM (Reply to #31)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You are completely right Mystwoman

When you are done; you are done. At this point the hoover appears more like stalking than anything which even remotely resembles love or caring. God bless, Goldie
Dec 28 - 2PM
Melba
Melba's picture

Spot on.

They just want to screw with your mind and continue the cycle of abuse and control. Why would they want to give up the pleasure of torturing you. Its all about control and messing up your mind. Keep us second guessing, could he have changed? NEVER. All those nice kind words, offers to help, declarations of everlasting love, are just words, only words to again mess with your mind. There is no reality in those words. It is to try and get you hooked again so they can have complete and full control, to abuse. Thank you Goldie, your words of truth are very strengthening.
Dec 28 - 8PM (Reply to #29)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Recovery is ALL about empowering ourselves with the TRUTH

Once we begin to let go of the "fantacy" of what never could be, we begin to see the situation as it truly is and now our "wish it were true" version of the truth. There is NOTHING there for us with the PD and yes, for us it WAS about love and hope and for them it is all about manipulation and control. God bless, Goldie
Dec 28 - 2PM (Reply to #28)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

So true

I remember wishing the x did and then I saw how it just stirred up feelings. This ought to be posted in the our favorites
Dec 28 - 12PM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

I am so freakin glad you

I am so freakin glad you wrote this!!! I have been reading all these posts of this one getting hoovered and that one....and I thought...why isnt mine coming to me?? And I WAS feeling sad about it:( WTF? I should be thrilled to death that I scared him enough with suing the bastard....that he now knows that the last time WAS THE LAST!!!!!! I dont know if he will be around after his new supply finally gets "his number" but I know that I will continue the NC...it is really the most important part in healing from all of his. But I still in some sick way am wishing he would hoover for 2 reasons: 1. So I can feel that Im THAT good to where he STILL wants me and he regrets all he lost..(I know that wouldnt be the reason for his return but in my mind it would be) 2. So I can ignore him and make him feel like an ASS!!!!!! Anyway...Ill keep reading this over and over...till it's embedded in my brain!!! Thanks Goldie xoxo
Dec 28 - 11AM
NessMIA
NessMIA's picture

Emotional Vampire

I remember you mentioned to me during our 1:1 that they were emotional vampires...and it's SO ON POINT. And that is also why they hoover. TIMELINE -N sucks all of your blood. They leave you, and you are devastated. -You are start to heal, move on..start to appreciate yourself. All of the sudden you start to feel alive. -N SNIFFS your new blood :) gets desperate and tries to suck you back in...just to suck whatever blood you have. CYCLE. CYCLE. CYCLE.
Dec 29 - 7AM (Reply to #25)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

So proud of you nessMIA

You are doing the work and learning the lessons. This is great, the vampire cycle. I love it. This is the hoover. They wait until you produce some new fresh blood after they suck you dry and then they come back to begin the cycle all over again. Great insights, ness. Only one way to go >>------>>>> God bless, Goldie >>-------->>>>
Dec 28 - 11AM
alicat
alicat's picture

Thank u Goldie, as you know

Thank u Goldie, as you know mine has been hoovering. All he is after is the sex! He told me he was sexually addicted to me. What about the 2 years we had! My kids and his son! Yes! It was a toxic relationship because of him! At least I see that! I realize now he did not love me even though he tells me he does. He wants his own life now but thinks he can just come back in when he wants! Its my fault for letting it happen! I need to take control again and get my life back! Hopefully someone is waiting out there to love me truly! One day!
Dec 29 - 8AM (Reply to #23)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

I hear you Alicat

And as difficult as this is for you to face and accept, it is this very truth which sets you FREE. The lie's we tell ourselves about the relationship are what binds us to the darkness and them and when we let in the light, it is the truth which ultimately prevails and is the catalyst to get us out and to stay out. Woohoo, a narc free life!!! God bless, Goldie
Dec 28 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Goldie, as always this is

right on. I'll even take it a step further. The hoover is a blatant disregard of any boundaries and demonstration of a shameless lack of respect for us. How arrogant of the PD to think that we would be "flattered" or "uplifted" by contact from them...a "person" who treated us like shit, messed with our entire lives, lied, cheated and manipulated until we were almost destroyed. That's so narcissistic in and of itself it makes me want to puke. Hoovering offends the person I have become. A hoover is a blatant re-writing of history on the PDs part. As you so eloquently state above, a hoover has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH US OR THEIR GREAT LOVE FOR US. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's a manipulative, entirely self-serving and selfish attempt to toy with someone they discarded in the first place...it's as simple as that. Love to you and to all who stop here from, (not) spinning. AND STRIVING FOR THE DAY WHEN NO ONE WILL SPIN OVER THESE MANIPULATIVE, PREDICTABLE, HOLLOW FREAKS

spinning

Dec 28 - 3PM (Reply to #21)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

How arrogant of the PD to

How arrogant of the PD to think that we would be "flattered" or "uplifted" by contact from them...a "person" who treated us like shit, messed with our entire lives, lied, cheated and manipulated until we were almost destroyed. That's so narcissistic in and of itself it makes me want to puke. How very true, Spinning. Xnh actually had the gall to send me an email soon after he cheated and then dumped me saying, "I see no reason for your hostility. You're clearly giving me the impression that you want me permanently out of your life. This is the last letter I will write to you from my 'shattered heart' and broken dreams." Of course then he promptly sent me about 50 more messages AFTER this 'last' one trying to hoover some more. I ignored them all. I really LIKE my NC. lol. All I could think when I read this message from xnh was, "NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!! Of course I want you permanently out of my life. Duh!!! You're a complete dirt bag, and apparently not a very bright one at that! Why don't you take your STD infested dick and go away?" Xnh is a complete arrogant ass...and he actually had the unmitigated nerve to think *I* would be riddled with grief to have him "permanently out of my life"? Oh, PLEASE!!! Xnh's hoover was NOT a compliment to me. However, I WOULD consider his absence forever to be a really beautiful thing. rofl.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.