Are you embarassed?

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#1 Jul 11 - 7AM
Deidre40's picture

Are you embarassed?

When you pray--amazing things happen. You get amazing insights. I came to the conclusion that much of why I was drawn to that site, was to see what he was saying about me. And at the end of the day...I'm just so embarassed to have dated someone so...classless. He can flower up his posts...change the way he writes...but, he is still a classless womanizer. And I allowed him into my life. I think that I sought validation from our mutual friends, because I wanted to save face. I felt embarassed before them, as this guy has berated and humiliated me and smeared my good name.

I think for many of us...we are embarassed that we lowered our standards to be with people like this. Not that we are better than anyone. But, we are better than the treatment we got. We saw the writing on the wall...saw red flags, and still went for it. I'm embarassed that I did this.

Do you ever feel this way?

Jul 19 - 12PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

I am embarrassed sometimes

I am embarrassed sometimes yes, when I think back, but mostly I just wonder how powerful his hypnotic stare was to get a strong person like me to lower her standards so much. There were other men in my horizon when I first started seeing him, and now I see how he chased them all away. Once he followed me to a date with a male friend and sat there staring at him. The guy was so embarrassed. He, the narc, knew he was staking his claim, but he said it was not because he was jealous, he said he did it because I was being devious. Talk about projection. I have never been unfaithful to anyone ever in my entire life!! They are reptiles born with the same instincts for survival as a cockroach.
Jul 19 - 11AM
SusieSwizzle's picture

Im embarrassed

that I allowed him to mistreat me and make me feel unworthy, unpretty, unlovable, and unloved. Still trying to understand why I let it happen. He gave me sex, but no real intimacy, he gave me the appearance of what I thought was a great friendship but in hindsight, all he did was tell/share HIS life with me. I always felt like 'a pain' if I talked about mine. He commanded all conversations, he commanded when we spoke, and he commanded when we saw each other. I had no say. I mean, I did...but I guess he chipped away at my self confidence so slowly, and paired it up with hours and hours of takling about HIM daily, that I believed he was 'feeding' me enough just to stick around and hope he would see me as others sad, really. I dont cry anymore. But when I read back at how terrible this man was, and how I allowed it for so long, bogs my mind. I truly felt that I was in love with him. I still do...and I dont know why...there was nothing to love.
Jul 18 - 10PM
Susan32's picture

I compared a former professor to a baby...

But I don't feel embarrassed! I was JUST BEING HONEST! It's kinda funny that I compared the ex-Psych prof to a tantrumming newborn before I found this site. Embarrassing him would probably be something I'm *PROUD* of (smiles smugly) Seeing him walk out of the senior skit when it mocked him, then recounting it to him the next day... NOT regretting it. Actually, enjoying every moment of it.
Jul 18 - 9PM
Sparrow's picture


Embarrassed about what? Loving someone? believing in someone? Not in him, in yourself. Embarrassed because you walked down the aisle when you knew you shouldn't have? He is the one that should be embarrassed. He should have to wear a sign around his neck for the rest of his life that reads: BEWARE OF THE NARC Don't ever be embarrassed about the choices you have made, no more than the woman that barks like a seal on stage under the spell of a hypnotist..........should she be embarrassed? Absolutely not, but people in the audience laugh, think it's's not. She has no control over her actions at that point, and that is the point the hypnotist is making. Save embarrassment for farting in public, pooping your pants on a date, or laughing so hard that you blow bogies out of your nose during a romantic moment. These are things to be embarrassed about! LOL And a true gentleman, will pretend he never noticed! Smile!
Jul 18 - 9PM
victimnomore's picture

I am still struggling

I am still struggling with the embarrassment I feel for even marrying him in the first place. What the f**K was I thinking? His mask fell of after the third month of us dating and I still married him. I knew it was all wrong as I walked down the aisle. I actually knew he was crazy. My best friend still look at me as if I have three heads when i tell her that he made me feel less than zero. She knew that he was the one that was/is less than zero. LOL! I am getting better as time goes by and I feel less embarrassed than I did 11 months ago so I have faith that as time goes by the stronger I become and the less embarrassed I become about the biggest mistake of my life!


Jul 18 - 6PM
Brooke1's picture

yes all the time

Yes, im embarressed that i fell so hard for him, and have found it hard to stop talking about him to friends or family whenever ive been confused or miserable over something to do with he, of course, is having a nice day and has his selfish little mind on other things. I also feel like a failure sometimes when i look around me and see so many couples happily together and lasting. couples who can trust each other and are there for each other, etc.
Jul 19 - 4AM (Reply to #56)
Lobo555's picture

"I also feel like a failure

"I also feel like a failure sometimes when i look around me and see so many couples happily together and lasting. couples who can trust each other and are there for each other, etc." I hear you sista! :) I have what I refer to as "drive-thru" relationships. I start dating a guy, we go out for a few months, then he dumps me. I don't understand how people stay together at all or what it's like to be loved and feel secure.
Jul 16 - 8PM
whoknew's picture


i have not written my whole story on here yet. i actually tried to write it down the other day thinking it would help me heal. but as i started writing, i was like this is the stupidest thing ever and i was embarassed. writing it down just showed me how ridiculous he is and stupid i was. i am embarassed to tell my family and friends the whole story as well so i just keep it sweet and simple and just say we broke up. i dont want to get into it with them. so yes, i am too embarassed about the whole damn thing!
Jul 18 - 4PM (Reply to #52)
Hunter's picture


See you are getting better! Don't be embarrassed, I was going to leave my husband the Doctor for the dog whisperer! Real Smart Eh? Bottom line is I liked that he liked me and I believed him ! :( Hunter
Jul 18 - 5PM (Reply to #53)
adoette's picture


"Bottom line is I liked that he liked me and I believed him ! :(" ugh. That about sums it up for me, Hunter.
Jul 18 - 6PM (Reply to #54)
Hunter's picture


I know it sucks! :( We can't fix this! We were had by a con artist! Hunter
Jul 18 - 4PM (Reply to #51)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Don't be embarrassed to share your story with us

We all feel/felt the same way. Can't believe we allowed ourselves to get sucked in by these evil con artists, over and over again. Read our stories and you will see the things we can't believe we put up with either. When you see the similarities, it's astounding. We understand. People who haven't lived through it, don't.
Jul 13 - 3PM
jen79's picture

I am not anymore

Cause I loved with all my heart, and a part of me still does, and I came to conclusion, that fighting it, doesnt work, and isnt even good, thats how we come to feeling like they have stolen a part of our soul, cause we try to numb this part that loves. And I believe we are all devine, all part of god, and we all are made out of love. Trying to not feel it, or to feel ashamed by it, is like feeling ashamed to be what you really are. Narc and their personality structure is so screwed, that their soul is not even close to their body, thats why they all have these weird empty stare. Never ever feel embarassed to have loved. And for the bad treatment, well I have forgiven myself for having allowed it. And we all should do that.
Jul 13 - 5PM (Reply to #48)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

So awesome

jen79, what you said rings so true. At the very beginning of this breakup, I had a vision that I would be healed eventually and that I would be happy, not bitter or resentful, and that my heart would be fine and healed. I knew it would take work on my part, and I was right, it takes work and lots of willingness to look past the disordered N's obvious defects. Any one can get d and d'd and incessantly rant about the so and so this and the so and so that, and it is necessary for awhile. But the healing comes, in my opinion, from looking inside ourselves and letting all of the N my case discovering what it was that I was unwilling and unable to let go of, and then asking God to remove those blocks from me. He does the removing in proportion to my willingness to let it all go. Then I can get on with the business of my life narc-free. ds
Jul 14 - 6AM (Reply to #49)
Deidre40's picture

Done sourcing

I really like how you put this, DS. I think that old habits die hard...even if the habits are just us analyzing JUST ONE LAST our minds...what it is that happened to us. I prayed for healing this morning, again. Old habits dying hard for me, refers to hanging out with people who are toxic. Negative. Gossips. Etc...basically, abandoning the 'friends' I thought I had with the ex. That's been harder than anything. I'm not sure why.
Jul 13 - 3PM
Deidre40's picture

I don't feel as embarassed as

I don't feel as embarassed as the days go by. Yay! :=) Just had to share that. Someone here said (goldie?) sorry...need to scroll back, that loving a bad person isn't embarassing. Shouldn't make us feel embarassed. That statement is soooo helpful, I can't even tell you. As we heal everyone--things get clearer. Days get brighter. I haven't cried this week. It's been really good to finally get back to feeling me again. I think the fact too that I have stopped lurking on that site...and reaching out to mutual 'friends,' has helped my healing. I guess those were the last links to go. Here's to healing. :=)
Jul 13 - 11AM
Goldie's picture

I used to feel that way, quite often

Now I don't because I realize that if it were not for the Narc, I would not have spent this past year on the most intense self awareness of my life and I was pretty self aware to begin with, however, his abuse took me to new levels of self reflection and growth which I did not believe possible. So if anything I am now embarrassed for him that he is such an sick disordered fuck and has to live with himself. At this point in my life I am happy to live with myself because I did nothing wrong. I only tried to love a bad man and what is wrong with that. There is no shame or embarrassment in loving and making a mistake. Go easy on yourself, you did the best you could with what you thought you were dealing with at the time. This was not your fault and the embarrassment lies with him and his sick actions; NOT YOU. God bless, Goldie
Jul 12 - 4PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

embarrassed, yes

that I was willing to give up so much to get so little, the why I was willing to do that keeps me busy writing and in therapy...we were married, the child added an element of stability and the need to try to keeps things together. But how it started on my side, yes, I am embarrased, but that is ok today...because I am living in the solution, in my world, not under the power and control of her world anymore! ds
Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #44)
Deidre40's picture

Hi DS. I think that when

Hi DS. I think that when you're married...with kids...I can completely see it being very very hard to break away. I mean, it's hard enough just dating narcs. I can't imagine being married w/kids to one! You are brave, and be proud you are no longer with her. Prayers for you and everyone else here. On another note. Today was a better day for me. I didn't lurk. I'm truly truly done with that site. And I'm going to wait for this cell phone cycle to finish, then I'm changing my number. Like pay the next bill, and then add the additional change number fee to the next bill. Just makes it easier. I don't want to hear from anyone associated with this man anymore. I know the truth. If they can't see it, if they want to praise be it. I can't control others. BUT. I can control my life. :=)
Jul 12 - 10AM
Lobo555's picture

SO Embarrassed!

I hardly told anyone I was involved with CharlieSheenWinning because I knew it was wrong and was so embarrassed that I would be with someone like him. He has a bad reputation for being a user and misogynist and lives up to every word. I'm embarrassed that I put up with his crap for so long and kept going back. He wasn't worth a moment of my time, much less my love. {cringing}
Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #41)
Deidre40's picture


I think it's absolutely HILARIOUS that you call your ex...CHARLIESHEENWINNING...I crack up every time I read it. :=P You're a good lady, Lobo.
Jul 13 - 6AM (Reply to #42)
Lobo555's picture

Awww, thank you. You are

Awww, thank you. You are too! {{{hugs}}}
Jul 12 - 2AM
Arwen's picture

I wish one thing - that this

I wish one thing - that this had never happened. I totally relate to what your post was saying. I have so much shame concerning the N I can't even tell you. I really liked the honesty of your post a lot. thank you
Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #39)
Deidre40's picture


I have said the exact same thing...I wish this never happened. Wish we never met last year. Wish we never joined that site, or at least I wish I didn't. But, as we near the 'other side,' with this whole thing...I guess it NEEDED to happen. I have carried around this baggage from my childhood for far too long, and this isn't the first time I dated a narc. Not the first time I've been abused by a man in a dating scenario. So, sometimes, the pain has to be really deep for us to learn...and grow. But, I still wish it didn't happen! :=P
Jul 12 - 12AM
Littleone's picture

Honestly? I'm mortified that

Honestly? I'm mortified that I put up with such bad behavior but most of all I'm mortified that he left me! Ultimately I rejected him big time but he started the while break up. How embarrassing! I feel like there was something wrong with me to have been rejected by such a reject. Even though I know there isn't. Hard to explain!
Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #37)
Deidre40's picture


{{{Littleone}}} I know how you feel. I have often said, doesn't matter who does the breaking up...I broke up with him, and guess what? I have found out he has told everyone he broke up with me. haha Honestly, with them? It doesn't matter. If you had rejected him...he would have lied to save face. It's like dating someone not human, almost. I do know how you feel. Mine has baited me and baited me...I'm dating someone. He knows this. I know he's dating someone. And ...even last week, mocking things on that I'd see it, and I guess...text him? Flip out on the site? lol Nope. Not gonna happen. He has me confused with his ex's who used to flip out...but now, I wonder if those were all lies, you know? I think at the end of the day...God knows the truth. And honestly, we don't need to be embarassed in front of Him. And there's no shame in giving of one's self in a relationship. It's just terribly unfortunate that we 'wasted' that giving on them...but, to me. The story doesn't end here. The pain we suffered won't be in vain, I believe this. :=)
Jul 12 - 4PM (Reply to #36)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture


I identify, rejected and butt hurt. I was stuck, and she did me a favor, but it took awhile for me to fully comprehend that. I wasn't happy, safe, contented, or looking forward to anything changing for the better, I was just stuck. Now I'm not !!! ds
Jul 11 - 3PM
Nemesis's picture

This is projection.

Hi Deidre, I think feeling embarrased or ashamed is a typical response after being bullied and abused and I'm sure that many of us here will have felt this way and can relate to your thoughts. I certainly do. Deidre, these feelings of shame were projected onto you by the bully (the narcissist). All narcissists feel shame on a sub-conscious level which is caused by the sub-conscious feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing that are deep within them. All bullies are insecure people who want to make themselves feel better by making someone else feel ashamed of themselves instead. A quote from Sam Vaknin helps to explain this: "Narcissists adopt all kinds of defences to counter narcissistic shame. They develop addictive, reckless, or impulsive behaviours. They deny, withdraw, rage, or engage in the compulsive pursuit of some kind of (unattainable, of course) perfection. They display haughtiness and exhibitionism and so on. All these defences are primitive and involve splitting, projection, projective identification, and intellectualization". The truth is that he (the narcissist) should feel deeply ashamed of himself for his behaviour towards you, but instead of acknowledging this he has projected his feelings of shame onto you so that he doesn't have to feel them himself. Do NOT allow him to continue to make you feel this way. You are a strong, brave woman. He is a weak, pathetic coward who is too afraid to reflect on himself for fear of what he will find out. xxx
Jul 12 - 5PM (Reply to #34)
Littleone's picture


That was very helpful. Thankyou! I've been wondering why I felt so ashamed ...
Jul 12 - 2PM (Reply to #32)
Deidre40's picture

I read and reread your post,

I read and reread your post, nemesis...thank you so much. I am in awe of what you wrote. I knew about projection, but wouldn't have related it like this... He also is VERY into exhibitionism. I won't even get into it, because I'm trying to lessen my memories of the man. But, suffice to say, he is allll about...''I'm the best. Look at me.'' Pics upon pics of himself everywhere on the internet. It's so bizarre to me. I am not showy. I had one pic of myself up on that website we belong to...and that's it. And he said...he liked that about me. That I was conservative and not showy. Hmmm...could it mean he knew he was too showy? I don't know. Interesting though. You are so right though. If they examine who they really are, they'd die. If he lost his internet/FB persona? He'd truly die. And there's sadness in that, no? Perhaps, the lives they already lead, are bad enough to just wish them well...and not obsess on them getting theirs. If that makes sense.