Are you embarassed?

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Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #33)
Nemesis
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Deidre

Hi Deidre, With regards to what he said about liking the fact that you are "conservative and not showy" I would guess that he feels this way because he needs to have a partner who doesn't get more attention from others than he does. Narcissists have to be in the spotlight and grab all of the attention for themselves, so when looking for a partner they tend to pick someone who they think will be happy to be in their shadow. They do not want a partner who will compete with them for other people's attention. I think that you are absolutely right to say that it is sad that they cannot reflect on themselves. The fact that they can't is a sign of how damaged they are. They might give the impression of being happy, but the reality is that they are empty people who will never know true happiness because they are impossible to please and can never be satisfied with anything that they have in the long term.
Jul 12 - 2AM (Reply to #30)
CathyAust
CathyAust's picture

Thanks

I like very much what you said Nemesis. I find myself getting more and more angry as I read all these comments and blogs both at myself for loving my ex N and putting up with his abuse and trying to help him. I am also getting angry at him for all the broken promises, reunions, and then the projection and splitting, drinking, depression etc when he started to feel real love and emotion.What a mess I allowed my life to become. I have great guilt for what I have put my family through as well. I just want him to suffer great great pain and hurt like I have. probelm is he could be ever so loving and charming at the same time. he truely was and is evil.
Jul 12 - 2PM (Reply to #31)
Nemesis
Nemesis's picture

Anger is good.

Hi CathyAust, I think it is good that you are feeling this anger. It is an important step in the recovery process which cannot be skipped. I am also still going through this stage myself. I have some very vengeful feelings sometimes which can be upsetting and are difficult to deal with so I feel I understand what you are going through. The fact that you are now angry with him means that you are no longer in a state of denial - you are facing reality head on. This is something that he will never have the strength to do. If he tried to withdraw from his fantasy world and take an honest look at himself it would shatter him into a thousand pieces. Stay strong. Love Nemesis xxx
Jul 11 - 2PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I can embarrass HIM

If the ex-Psych prof tried embarrassing me, I'd just smile, stick my nose into the air and chuckle with an air of superiority. The tables were turned when the senior skit RIDICULED him. I'm glad I didn't lower my standards to casually date/have sex/have kids/marry him. I fell in love with him... but falling in love is something NATURAL, nothing to be embarrassed about. It's like Adam&Eve in Eden, when they realize they're naked (thanks to the Serpent), they become ashamed, instead of seeing their nakedness as natural. I'm not going to put a fig leaf on my feelings, or who I am as a person. The ex-P WANTED me to do that. I'm not ashamed that I fell in love and had compassion on the ex-P, falling in love&having compassion are HUMAN, NORMAL. As for the ex-P, HE is the one who should be embarrassed over his behavior, how he treated ME. And if he can't feel that, I am MORE than happy to help.
Jul 11 - 2PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Embarrassed for what I became

I am only embarrassed that I seemed to lose my backbone and pride with him. I have never been a doormat in my life, but found myself becoming more of one with him over time. I put up with things I never would have put up with from other people. I became a "desperate" woman trying to hang on to the relationship and to him. I would plead and "beg" him to try and reason with him when he was cold and mean with me for no other reason than I had just poured my heart out to him. Seems like whenever I would tell him my feelings and open up in a loving way, he would get angry and turn on me. I would end up crying and later on trying to defend myself to him as if I had done something wrong. I would be dumbfounded at his reaction, but instead of blowing him off like I should have for being such an ass, I would plead with him to see it my way. I'm embarrassed I got sucked back in so many times, believing that somehow he wouldn't hurt me and break my heart yet again like he had before. I let him break my heart more than once, and I should have walked the first time. I swear, it's like I became one of those women you picture desperately clinging to their leg, crying and begging them not to leave, as they drag you across the floor on their way out the door.
Jul 13 - 5PM (Reply to #27)
empath
empath's picture

smitten

I think we've all been exactly where you are. Yes, it is embarrassing. By going NC and learning all that we can about the disorder THEY have, we close the door on that chapter of our life, promise not to let it repeat with another N. and we move on. It is our secret, our past, our history...HISTORY...not our present. We shouldn't "continue the relationship" and allow ourselves to continue being victimized by playing out the dynamics of the abuse for the rest of our lives, and carrying the burden of that guilt or shame or embarrassment. Why should we feel ashamed for having been real with someone? It was not our fault they were fake with us. We did nothing wrong to them and did not deserve their ABUSE. It's like getting hit by a careless motorist, and then beating yourself up for getting behind the wheel that day. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong person and under the wrong circumstances. Simply write it off, put it behind you and forgive yourself for being HUMAN, something the disordered N will never have to deal with because they are INHUMAN. Shame perpetuates the abuse. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It IS projection, it is THEIR burden that they've heaped on you. You've spent the entire time you interacted with them basically having feelings on their behalf, you carried the entire emotional aspect of the relationship on your own. You are doing the same thing now, you are just feeling the emotions they should have felt. They are the ones that should feel ashamed and embarrassed, for abusing someone who showed them kindness and love. Slowly and surely we will all heal ourselves from these defective evil Ns. They will never change and "get better", we will though. :) (((hugs)))
Jul 11 - 2PM (Reply to #25)
heritage
heritage's picture

Gosh smitten

You just put my entire head into words. I did the EXACT things you did and I hate that I let myself get that low. But alot of why I did that is because his actions never met his words and it caused confusion on my part, so I would bring it to his attention and he would flip out then I would try to fix his latest flare up!He was always I love you blah blah blah but then he would give me silent treatment, not call me, etc so he always kept me confused. And I hated that I became a doormat also. Especially letting him treat me so horribly and then I trated him in such a loving way only to be d&d'd.
Jul 13 - 9PM (Reply to #26)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Same for me

Yes, mine did the same thing. His words never matched his actions either and he would contradict himself constantly. Keeping us confused and off balance. We didn't know they were doing it on purpose at the time. I just thought he didn't understand and would be trying to fix his latest flare-up too. He treated me like such a yo-yo, and every time he pulled me back in, I went into denial and wanted to believe he loved me like he said and that things would be different. The only difference there ever was is that things just got worse.
Jul 11 - 12PM
dazed
dazed's picture

Yes there is embarrassment

Yes there is embarrassment because I gave so much emotionally and allowed myself to be so vulnerable in a difficult part of my life AND that I was so wrong about this person. Telling her very personal details and it not meaning anything to her other than a sign of my involvement has been difficult. I don't know many men who could have refused what was being offered and shown to me. I am happy though that I could love and care. I was taken advantage of and next time will pay close attention to the things I ignored. This will not happen again. At this moment I feel very sorry for her, because she has no insight or empathy and is very superficial. People at my work are on to her ways and I am glad that they are beginning to see her for what she is.
Jul 11 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Dazed

We deepen in compassion and understanding for all of the basically decent people out there and in our lives, while adopting a narcissistic stance with the narcissist him or herself. I now see these people as object themselves; automatons with reliable social routines and sub-routines. They are robots with a surface veneer of emotion they milk for all they`re worth to manipulate us. They are pathetic. It`s part learned and part inherited, no doubt. The crucial difference between them and decent people who are just f`d up is they refuse to act on the conscience that they DO possess.
Jul 11 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
dazed
dazed's picture

Enpsycho...

They are objects themselves, robots. Nicely said and an accurate image. I was not expecting that the emotion I saw was so shallow. It really is like an automaton with routines that, for the ignorant, are all too easy to believe. But there is nothing else. Now for your last sentence. They have a conscience. Are you saying they know but refuse to do what's right? That has not been an important distinction to me. All I know is how I'm treated and how I feel when I am treated that way. I guess I always thought she never had the insight to know she was being cruel with her devaluing comments. She even asked me once after insulting me and I told her it hurt, "Why should that hurt you? You shouldn't feel hurt." Perhaps sometimes they know and sometimes they don't. I really don't think she was all that aware of how others felt, unless she was trying to inflict some pain, something I never thought possible, but with her coldness and ability to just shut me out, I think anything self-serving is within the realm of possibility.
Jul 11 - 4PM (Reply to #21)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Narcissists know right from

Narcissists know right from wrong. The burn with injustice if someone wrongs them, for example. They can tell you in glowing detail, the moral error committed against them. And it is sincere and from their heart. An extreme psychopath, by contrast, might know when someone has wronged him but is so emotionally flat, that his own sense of being wronged is kind of blunted too. Not only do they see others as objects, they are kind of objects unto themselves. I think narcs are just completely full of themselves. Completely. There is no room for anybody else. They have tons of sensitivity for themselves and none for you. They don't feel your pain, as a consequence, but they certainly know that you are in pain. That comes from simple observation. But they don't CARE. If you were to walk up to a psychopath and kick him hard in the groin, he might reflexively kill you, but his physical sensation wouldn't be the same as your's would be if someone delivered a groin shot to you. And even the act of killing you would be done somewhat impassively. They are wired differently. I think narcs are wired a bit differently, but are predominantly the same as us, brain wise. If however they choose not to exercise empathy over a life time, this will effect the structures of the brain. I have poor spatial perception. As a result I don't drive a car. The part of the brain that's in charge of that was likely a bit shrivelled at birth. Now it's likely completely atrophied from lack of use. And good thing, as I would have wiped myself out and others, too. It is probably really important to detect early which kids are lacking in empathy and train their brains and moral impulses so they don't suffer similar atrophy. Your girlfriend saying, "why should that hurt you?", is a double injury that absolves her of responsibility. It says, "I get to hurt you and if you complain I get to diminish you again, by implying that you are overly sensitive." Big game. What a complete waste of time she is.
Jul 16 - 11PM (Reply to #23)
.brokenglass.
.brokenglass.'s picture

Enpsycho- u brought back a flash back...

I can remember one time we were playing around "good times" haha but he pulled me to him and i was off balance & stepped on his toe (me shoes - him, just foot). He went off like I purposely stomp on his little pig...in his mind I wronged him & I was gonna pay & I did with the "silence", sick thing is he caused it by pulling me, and it was an accident. Boy what I wouldn't give to wiggle my nose back in time...I do a clogging set on All 10 of them bad boys!! We can dream right...:D ! This little piggie called me stupid...STOMP!!!! ~brokenglass~
Jul 11 - 10PM (Reply to #22)
dazed
dazed's picture

Thanks. Your comments help.

Thanks. Your comments help. "What a complete waste of time she is" This is great. Made my day! I know how my ex spells responsibility. B-L-A-M-E Y-O-U. As for the lack of empathy i did notice in the relationship that there were a few times I was in pain and expected some comfort. The situations were obvious. She did nothing. I thought it odd. I didn't understand it. Later I realized she had no empathy or compassion.
Jul 11 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

They are mean on purpose

"She even asked me once after insulting me and I told her it hurt, "Why should that hurt you? You shouldn't feel hurt."" I would tell mine how much he was hurting me by something he did or said, and he would say, "How is that hurting you?" Or I'd say, "How do you think that makes me feel?" And he just didn't get it, or pretended not to. They really don't know how we feel and cannot put themselves in our shoes, but they know when they are being mean. I think it was during one of these exchanges when I realized he didn't have any empathy. Mine used to say the most callous things to me, and at first I thought he was just dense and insensitive. In time I came to realize he was being mean on purpose. He was trying to hurt me because seeing or hearing my pain (on the phone) or anger, validated him and made him feel powerful. They are all about power, it is the ultimate supply. The more hurt you are, the more of a boost they get because they think, look what I did? She must really love me a lot if I can hurt her that bad. At the big D&D he said some of the most horrific things to me for no other reason than to stick the knife in further and twist it. It wasn't enough to devastate me and leave me in a heap on the ground. He had to annihilate me by kicking me while I was down, run over me, and back up and run over me again for good measure.
Jul 11 - 4PM (Reply to #20)
dazed
dazed's picture

"...they know when they are

"...they know when they are being mean..." My N actually told me early on, "You let me know if I'm being mean to you." I control what I say and am aware of how my words and tone affect others. I guess she couldn't do the same. So later in the relationship I would remind her of her request and I would say, 'You're being mean to me." And she denied it or said it wasn't mean. Ultimately, she took no responsibility for what she said and how it was taken. We were coworkers and she criticized me. I pointed it out. She said, "I can't work with someone who thinks I am capable of saying negative things about anyone" To which i asked if SHE had ever said anything negative about someone. She said she had not. I just said, OK, well that's good to know. Now, with a little distance and NC it is so laughable. But the whole thing still hurts, too.
Jul 11 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
heritage
heritage's picture

Agreed! They are mean on

Agreed! They are mean on purpose. They enjoy inflicting pain. Yours and my D&D was the worst and you are right they had to keep it going in addition to leaving us in a heap. I so agree with you. It's inhumane treatment. That's why I am so hurt and angry watching him carry on with his new life. I know everyone says but they'll never be happy but right now I hate how they just carry on. It's part of the disorder. I always hated that about him. How when he left his kids he just carried on like nothing. It's scarey. Didn't know he was disordered at the time. Then when he abandon me he carried on like he is use to. I feel washed up by him.
Jul 11 - 10AM
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My idiot was extremely

My idiot was extremely cultivated, brilliant. And it was for real. Plus he really poured it on. He was well travelled spoke several languages, knew a lot of the `right people` (barf) was financially well off, asset wise. He was also funny as hell. I would say that the real cultivation took a back seat to the image he was desperately trying to create; that of a fully functional, compassionate well rounded person. Maybe I should be embarrassed, but I feel more guilty about what I put my husband through. The only positive in that respect is it was a real wake up call for husband who was caring, but indifferent to my needs for affection and my desire to accomplish something in my life. He now will compliment me once in a while. I know longer feel like a vestigial organ. I have gone from being his appendix to being in his heart. These guys get to us, regardless of their class. Mine could have been a humunculous covered in boils, collecting trash for a living and I still would have been all over him like a wet blanket. Ease up on yourself. They`re pathologicals who are very well practised!
Jul 11 - 9AM
dudette
dudette's picture

wise words from Cainer today ( for leos)....

Be proud of who you are, be proud of where you are, be proud of how you got there and be proud of where you intend to go next. Be equally proud of who you are not, where you are not, what you have not got, and why it is that you haven't got it. Even be proud of what it is that you are not likely to do next. You have nothing, repeat, nothing, to apologise for. Still feeling a little unsure, a little apologetic, a little shaken? Then let me spell it out. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. to apologise for... and everything to look forward to Embarassed no more....
Jul 11 - 8AM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Yes, very much so

Yes, I am embarrased, ashamed and very mad at myself for falling for a fake... I think this is why I am having such a hard time getting over it.. I let him know everything about my life.. It just sucks... My therapist says the best revenge is go on with my life and be happy.. And, this is just what I am trying to do.. The sad part is I know in November, he will be back hoovering me and I pray that I am strong enough to say.. Go fly a kite and leave me alone!!!
Jul 11 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

dabussard

why is he going to be hoovering in november?
Jul 11 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Deidre

At the last, D&D.. He told me, he would see me in November.. Deer hunting starts and all of his out of state friends come into town. He needs a good girl on his arm to look good. Also, I made the mistake and told him of my financial situation. I will be debt free and taking over the family farm at the end of this year... He is wanting to lease the bottom ground for corn planting... These guys are a piece of work... It was/is just business to him... For me, it was love and companionship..
Jul 11 - 8AM
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

Every Day

I proclaimed that I loved that idiot now embarrasses me to no avail. He is a classic womanizer. And it'd be OK I guess if he was rich or something in order to take care of his harem. But he was not rich. He fed off of me for things. And me, the fool, gave it to him. Top it off, he 'upgraded' me to an Obese slut who wears black plastic pants and weird shoes and no job. Yep. Embarrassed is an understatment for what I feel.. :) I hope it helps to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE...I hope it also helps when I tell you - THESE MEN ARE PAAAAATHETIC! :) We are BLESSED BEYOND RECOGNITION...Why?? Because we were SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW that he is NOT A NORMAL HUMAN BEING ! Down with Lucifer Junior! Let go of the feelings for him. The sooner you do, the faster payback the Universe will offer him :)
Jul 11 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I would have done anything

I would have done anything for my moral retard. He never asked me for money, but I would have almost considered robbing a bank, if he had. I trusted him completely. He was very covert, stealthy, had a kind humble demeanor...a very practised narc with very strong psychopathic tendencies. Embarrassment is probably a natural emotion after going through something like this. Just know that any womann who hasn`t gone through it is simply lucky they weren`t targeted, because they are like catnip to a cat. No woman could have resisted my narc. I know this and it gives me a great feeling of peace. Your`s is probably the same The reason he downgraded is because he likely wanted to be with someone for a very temporary time who would completely kiss his ass, give him no problems at all. It won`t last long. He had a taste of class with you and will return to the same hunting grounds. As for now, offer that woman compassion and a new pair of shoes! (in your mind`s eye)
Jul 11 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
dudette
dudette's picture

enpsy

I would have done anything for my moral retard - LOL, I love it I in turn would have done anything for my emotional cripple.... to think I knew that all along and still went along with it, now that IS embarrassing! Dx
Jul 13 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
enpsychopedia r... (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Dudette

I think your emotional cripple and my moral retard should get together and open a puppy mill together. After they get that up and running, they can take the profits and use them to open squalid extended care facilities for the elderly. They can top it off by starting an online dating site for men like themselves--POFM--Plenty of F'd Up Monsters! I think it might work! lol! ER
Jul 14 - 4AM (Reply to #9)
Lobo555
Lobo555's picture

How about since they all seem

How about since they all seem to be obsessed with porn: PORN -- Pit Of Retard Narcs. :)
Jul 13 - 3PM (Reply to #8)
dudette
dudette's picture

enpsy

you made me laugh aloud for a good whole minute there! Keep it going girl! As far as care for the elderly if concerned, my emotional cripple is on it. He has been bleeding dry some poor 69 year old lonely woman who is a trustee for the charity that he works for ( he is classy my N)... She gave up a baby boy at birth and he is pretending to be her long lost son to milk her out of all she's got. How sick is that? some, including his ExW reckon he has actually slept with her, I can believe that actually..... Naturally she defends and protects him like a real mother should and is puppet monster number one in his artillery of protection against other women.... When he has got everything he needs out of her, I am sure that the "prodigal son" will place her where he feels she belongs, a care home for the destitute... He will never visit.... I don't really care though, she was always very horrid and hostile towards me..... Karma is a bitch.....
Jul 11 - 9AM (Reply to #3)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

dentalas and susie...yes, i

dentalas and susie...yes, i agree. lol @ lucifer junior. I also have to let go of caring what mutual friends of ours think of me. They seem so sucked in by him. How can people be sucked in by someone who spends 24/7 on the internet, bragging about the latest women he's conquered? How can people be sucked in by someone who berated me...openly? And to them on FB? How can someone or people be sucked in and enamored by someone who doesn't have morals? Values? Doesn't care about his own kids? (he probably doesn't tell them the latter, that was something I knew though) How can people turn on me...a person who was always kind to everyone in our social circle...but turn to him...who wasn't? This is what I struggle with. I don't regret breaking up. Heeell no. lol I just can't seem to make sense of how he seems to have a following, and all these supposed friends have ditched me...for him. :=( This is why I'm done reaching out to them. He blatantly called one of my closer friends...horrible things on his facebook recently...like last week. She is no longer on his fb, of course...she found this out third party from someone on his friends list. So...last week, during one of my lurking moments, I caught her sucking up to him. LMAO. Wow, I thought...this guy has basically called you the lowest of the low...told a few of our mutual friends that you wanted to sleep with him, and you're SUCKING UP TO HIM? Is it the mob mentality on the internet, you all think? I asked my daughter if she has ever encountered a bully. She said yes. She said, I don't suck up to her, though. But, many do. She said...that it's like no one wants to be left out in the cold to be made fun of by her, so they stay on her good side. AH HA! That could be it. But, are ADULTS OVER 40 really that weak? lol Are we all back in high school again? My daughter is in high school, folks. lol Maybe when/if he hurts them, they'll see.
Jul 11 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
SusieSwizzle
SusieSwizzle's picture

I also realized that I was out of his league

...when I had to pay for any and everything. I also take comfort in knowing that there is a horse named after the OW (Saw it on the internet) Sweet Nanette. A horse. How fitting. Then again, I think I was the OW. I guess in N language we're all his woman. We're just interchangeable for as long as we let it happen.