What Sparked Your Breakup?

I looked at him and realized i didn't believe one word that came out of his mouth anymore.

In my case it started when I was going through a hard time and needed some support. We had been together for about 6 months and he had said that he wanted to get engaged. Then I became ill and lost my job at the same time. As you can imagine, this was a difficult time for me and I needed to be able to lean on him a bit. It seemed that he was put off by my "weakness". He eventually broke up with me saying "I don't want someone depending on me".

My ex N went from very very rich to poor - huge blow to his ego. When we first met I did not make much either so he felt equal. while he sat on his butt I worked my ass off trying to build a small business and I now make a professional living - I passed him by...I did not realize that he secretly resented me for this. Also, he gave me alot of quiet support over the years of work stress... His frustration grew but he always said he was "fine". He told me last spring he was going to get some work that would take him away for a few months - he said don't cry, it might mot even happen. Well, yoy know my story, last summer he moved for the job while I was on vacation and I have never seen him again. He said we were not breaking up but soon faded and got a new girlfriend. He never told me he wanted to break up - texted me until Dec. and has never spoken to me or contacted me again (until I broke NC and called in March). So I think it was about money and ego and that the new girl makes him feel important. I think I started to feel like hs "mother' - not the whole relationship because he was dominant and controlling, but at the end, because I was really concerned about him. He basically used me and ran off to start a new life and is too guilty to speak about it.

It was a gradual and downhill. Even during the grand first year, I was so wrapped up in the illusion of him, coupled with how he would sugar coat situations, that I really didn't want to admit what he was until he *turned* on me...two years later. I was his best friend, the greatest personality he ever met and subtle long term references would be strewn throughout our relationship to make me think "I was different', "special" that I had a CHANCE!. I think I will post my story soon, so I won't go through all the hub bub, here but we were never technically 'together'...so our 'breakup' wa smore of the THE big moment of discard...and it has been a rapid spiral downward ever since. I was his side kick for 2 years, from 2007-2009. He told me everything, had me go practically everywhere with him. Always complimented me. Not to say there were't red flags but I thought I was immune to anything 'bad'. This man would say his life would crumble without me, that I should stop worrying because I had 'a nice home, a dog, and a man that loved me'. Then, one fateful summer 2009. He met a girl. He met 'The One'. He lived with me, he had a baby born to another girl that Feb 2009. And now, instead of trying to make something real with either of us (he had been involved with baby's momma for 3 years at that point, with me for two.) he 'dumps' us both and declartes this New Girl 'The One'. From that moment on nothing was ever the same. I annoyed him. Nothing I did was ever right. That I was like a 'festering boil that wouldn't go away'. Of course, there is more but that is the 'break up' for us. He simply stopped addressing and interacting with me the way he used to. Literally overnight. And not only did it stop but he became verbally hostile and bitter towards me. Not in a 'bad mood way' because he would be smiling and laughing and joking with everyone else then two minutes later have this huge list of negative qualities to say about me... I was torn apart. This man who made be believe that I was his best friend and confident, overight made me his arch nemesis...and the only thing I did was stand by his side because I had no boundries to walk away sooner!

Your story was very interesting,and in some respects very similar to mine, the first time I really spoke up and sent him a letter asking why the relationship was ALWAYS a bout his wants,needs, what about me and that was the end, after 15 years, his very fragile ego could not stand being questioned even in a very friendly manner. He could not stand any form of criticism ,no matter how kindly it was said, nothing. He was affected by his mother who smothered and doted on him as a young toddler, after initially wanting a girl, she already had a boy 17 years earlier.she never gave him the unconditional live he so desperately sought and was a narc herself ,from what his first wife told me. I asked the narc in a letter who is the common denominator in your 5 failed relationships and THAT WAS IT.

my first N/psycho....I think the last time he banged my head with his fist....knocked some frickin sense in me and that sparked the final break up. Actually, during our initial separation, he came over and proceeded to tell me how everything we had together in our home belonged to him.......even though he was unemployed for quite sometime and only had recently had a good paying job. Before that I had the job that paid for shit lol......anyways, he told me how wonderful he was blah blah and then he walked over to the chair I was sitting in and started punching my head. He walked back to his chair after. Then, I got up. Walked over to him....and planted my fist into his head as many times as I could and told him he will NEVER lay another hand on me. He looked at me like I was a blink away from being retarded (sorry)....and quit touching me. That was it. He left. Stalked me several times following. I changed the locks. Eventually, thank God (sorry for her though) he met a new girl. And left me alone. That was the end of that. I was with him for 7 years. The others that followed him had an advantage. If they didn't PHYSICALLY abuse me, I thought they were great lol Ya, not so much.

My ex in 2009. He would manipulate me to take him to the liquor store. If i said no, he would call me all names in the book and threaten to break up with me. The final break up was my family having to threaten him to leave me alone, after slapping me, trying to drive my car off the highway.

I had six break ups with my narc and everyone of them was sparked with me telling him what i needed . I walked on egg shells most of the time but when ever i tryed to exsert any kind of power he would play the "youre dumped" card ... its clasic narc .. so i would get to thinking "how could he dump someone when he said he loved so much? " and i would try and put myself in his position and think " i would never dump him just to make a point because i would never risk loosing someone i loved so much " ... and theres the diffrence , that there is the diffrence between narc love and normal love .Really the diffrence is you loved him and he never loved you . God that is a hash thing to write and i know its almost imposible to hear right now . You are totaly right about the shaming thing , underneath all of the bravdo is a man full of self hatered and shame and he has to put you down and share his shame around because other peoples pain is his pain killer ... its so sick , but you are dealing with someone who is sick , mentaly ill. You can not change this in him , there is no amout of love and security you can give him that will "cure" him , when someone is personality disordered it means his very person , self , being , personality is sick , and there isnt any know medication that can put that right and even top psycologist will think twise before trying to help them as they know it is a waste of time .A narc would have to be in therpy for the rest of his life and still only make a surface level change , all he will learn is to "act" better it wont be a real change as the damage was done way before you came along ,some say in year one of his life .Go back through the board and read it all , it will take a long time and thats ok ... big love to you , i know it hurts and its as confusing as hell but once you get a grasp on the disorder it will help so much .. x

We had not been getting along. The final thing that pushed the breakup was when he purchased a foreclosed home in an elite association in my area. We had been discussing marriage. I gave him 3 practical reasons why I did not want to live in the home he was hoping to buy. He bought it anyway. His Mom gave him the money. About a year ago, he left the foreclosed home that he had been working on for 3-4 months and has only been back to it 4x that I know of. When he got back to his 20 acre farm 5 hours away, he decided within a week he would raise lambs/sheep for market. He has a MA and is retired mobility specialist (teacher)with very little common sense and impulse control. My therapist advises me the home purchase was his way of telling me I couldn't tell him what to do!! Enough is enough!!

I think the moment that he saw just how smart, wordly and articulate I was is when the break-up began. So I believe he was setting me up in order to idolize/pedestalize and then ultimately devalue and leave me. I openly protested to his bigotry and abuse of his little dog and just by showing my incredible discomfort with just about everything he did and said, he started to see that I was a bi-ch in his mind. He kept me around for awhile to devalue me but it was when I found out a very serious situation he was involved in that was the beginning of the end and also, I refused to lie down and take the lies he tried to tell me about the other significant woman and his life and I was VERY vocal about it and would not put up with it at all. That was the last time I saw him. He continued to call and tell me he loved me, that he was not seeing anyone on FB, bull bull bull and more bull but the slow death that was going on was too much for me to bear. He was not asking me to get together anymore and it was clear he was with other women or who the hell knows what with the one woman he claimed to not be in love with but "loved".

As I read today, that the D&D actually takes place long before they act it out. You could have been D&D'd without even knowing he's written you off...and he will string you along enough to abuse you...then give the final POUNCE... So, actually, I know what made me protest, but it was months before he did what he did. WHAT he did was because I was already D&D'd...does that make sense to you? They dismiss you but don't feel the need to tell you that you are now on the shitlist...that is when all the passive aggressive and subtle abusive behaviors start to surface...but since they're subtle you don't catch on. You start reacting...Narc then says...who the hell are you to think you are to upsurp my authority and God given right to "ABUSE" you how dare you protest...YOU NEED A LESSON...then they go in for the KILL... So, I can't answer that cause he never told me what caused that moment...maybe I didn't put the toilet paper on the roll properly and he had a moment of self loathing because he identified with the fact that while I may have screwed up in putting it in properly...he couldn't even afford to buy a roll of toilet paper... Could be any number of reasons...

I had known the ex-Psych professor since freshman year. We had gone to concerts, lectures, out to lunch, talked on the phone. Finally, my senior year, I declared my love to him, since graduation wasn't that far off. All I did was tell him I liked him, cared about him... the final D&D was ugly&public. He'd reduce me to tears in front of his colleagues&my classmates. I'd be weeping, and he'd stand there, coldly, with a sneer on his face saying "You are embarrassing yourself." He refused to take responsibility for his actions (yes, I taunted him on it later on, saying "how manly, not being accountable!HAHAHAHA!") After a pastor friend of mine died from a long battle with cancer, the ex-P flaunted his girlfriend, whom I didn't know existed. She had moved from CA to NM to be with him. Romantic rejection hurts badly enough, but the ex-P was incredibly cruel. When I met his girlfriend, and she&I had a nice chat, he ran out... physically abandoning her, and not even introducing her to his colleagues. I was too humiliated to go to the senior picnic. During the final D&D, I'd be crying myself to sleep. I was too upset to volunteer at the local elementary school. Somehow I managed to NOT attempt suicide (because I had the will to live&I wanted to rub it in)It was incredibly painful. I remember telling the ex-P "I know romantic rejection. It's called high school." Again, he showed NO consideration for my feelings/needs, despite the fact we had a teacher/student relationship, rather than boyfriend/girlfriend one, and were never sexually involved. He DID rub it in with the girlfriend, tho he never praised her, and he hoovered me afterwards. When I congratulated him on being engaged, he raged angrily at me about personal boundary violations/imposition (by then, if he said I was hurting him emotionally, I would've done so with a smile on my face) I DID manage to graduate with good grades. I kinda got the last laugh because the senior skit mocked his cowardice&his tendency to run away from reality. When the senior skit ridiculed him... he ran out, tho he had just finished a bottle of beer.

From what I've read and what I experienced, I think the moment he knew I was in love with him, it was the beginning of the end. Up until that point he was trying to win me over with his Prince Charming act. Once he secured my love and knew I would be a consistent source of supply, game over, and his true colors started to come out. We too were in a long distance relationship and this occurred about 6 months in. Right at the time things were getting serious and I was contemplating giving up my life to be with him, but he started pulling away. Of course, not all the way. Just enough to confuse me for the next 6 months with his hot & cold behavior and mixed messages. The whole devaluing thing begins and happens many times before they finally discard you for good. It's like up until then they keep recycling you. My final D&D came 8 1/2 weeks ago after I spent the entire month of December in his town and the Holidays with him. 3 weeks later, a girlfriend of over 25 years ago reappeared in his life and they immediately picked up where they left off. He let me know by posting it all over Facebook. Pictures of the two of them kissing and holding hands, hugging at a party. Plus the status updates he posted to go along with them that were heartbreaking to me. He pretty much announced to all our mutual friends this was his new girlfriend. The really messed up part though is that he was so mean about it. Not only was he indiscreet and insensitive to my feelings, he rubbed my face in it. It wasn't enough that he broke my heart by dumping me overnight, he had to crush me in the process. He had already de-friended me so I couldn't see what he was posting. So he made sure to describe everything in excruciating detail over the phone. All of it. The "soft, sensuous kiss" between them caught on camera, how everyone at the party thought she was "The One" for him and she was a keeper, how she was the life of the party, and how they liked her so much better than me, because I seemed "grumpy." And he slept with her and had sex with her that same night. He took me to a New Year's Eve Party held by this same group of people BTW where I didn't know anyone, and basically ignored me the whole time and treated my like a buddy instead of someone he supposedly loved. He wandered off immediately after we arrived and left me on my own. When I spotted him I went over to him and he walked away again. At that point I quit following him around like a puppy dog, but I don't have a good poker face, and it was obvious I wasn't very happy. I used to be a lot of fun and the life of he party, but he sucked the life out of me. He even rejected me at Midnight during the New Year's kiss and someone got a picture of that too - him standing there stiffly with his arms at his sides while I had my arms around his neck trying to kiss him, while he barely kissed me back, coldly staring at the camera the whole time. It was humiliating. He kept calling me and texting for the next several weeks even though he had a new GF, changed his relationship status on FB and practically made his FB page a shrine to her. And he opened his page up to Friends of Friends, which he'd never done before, just so I could see the progression of his relationship. He wanted to keep me around as a friend and back up supply to listen to him talk about his relationship with his new GF. He made sure to tell me about all the gifts he got her for Valentine's Day, and even insisted on reading what he wrote inside one of the 4 cards he got her. When I repeatedly said, I don't want to hear it and he actually said, "Yeah you do...." and proceeded to try and tell me, I hung up on him. I finally went completely NC 2 weeks ago. Up until then I had tried and I would avoid his calls and texts for 2 or 3 days but he would wear me down and I would respond. He knew just which buttons to push. But every time I did he just hurt me more and proved what a sadistic son-of-a-bitch he really is. The last contact we had it was finally over, because I think he realized I wasn't going to give him the supply he needed when I told him for the umpteenth time he couldn't talk to me about her and he had no use for me anymore.