What Sparked Your Breakup?

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#1 Mar 30 - 8PM
JLMNY1's picture

What Sparked Your Breakup?

Hello everyone- I'm a new member. My ex-Narc and I broke up almost 6 weeks ago. We had a long distance relationship, then I moved to his city and into his apartment. After three months, we were done. He displayed all the Narc symptoms while we were living together. I didn't see a lot of it while we were dating long distance. I had to move out of his city and quit my job. I'm now unemployed (with a Master's degree) and trying to get my life back together.
One of the things I've been going over in my mind is what sparked my Narc to break up with me. We had a lot of differences, but up until the day before we broke up, he was still thinking long-term, get married, with me. I know the breakup would've happened eventually, however, several things happened around the time of our break up that I believe played a big part. Most of it made him feel powerless.
1-His separation agreement kicked in. Now he's paying 60% of his salary to his ex-wife (who he devalued and discarded to date me). He lives off his ever climbing credit card. He was turned down for another job, and wasn't having any luck finding a new one with a higher salary.
2-He had a meeting with a former co-worker to feel out the possibilty of going back to his old firm because he was feeling the stress of needing a higher paying job because of his alimony and child support payments. The partner told him, "Not going to happen. You have to realize that YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS RIGHT. You rubbed a lot of people the wrong way when you worked there, because you thought you were always right." He told me about this, and I know it was hard for him to understand.
3-I decided to bring up how little I saw of him during the week. Two weeknights he was with his daughter and on Sunday most of the day. The rest of the week, we had one night together (and all we did was watch tv) and the other one he was playing sports. Friday and Saturday, we usually spent with other people. Everything was ALWAYS with a group. I felt like I didn't do much on my own outside of him because I was new to the city and only knew his friends. His response to me about this was angry and mean. He told me to "sleep less" if I wanted to see him, but otherwise, he had nothing to say about it.

The next few days he me we were done.

I know he was feeling powerless about the money and job, and I feel he decided to change the only thing he could- me. I wasn't what he wanted, I brought up concerns of mine for the FIRST TIME and he dumped me.
The Mayoclinic.com lists the symptoms of a Narcissistic personality disorder, which my Narc had-every single one. It also says, "But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better. "
I believe this is what happened to me- he had the shame and humiliation of being powerless about his job and the criticism he received. He reacted in a way to make himself feel better- find a new GF that fulfills his unrealistic expectations. He was already texting and calling her (and possibly seeing her) before I even moved out.

What do you believe happened around the time of your breakup?

Apr 2 - 6PM
apple's picture


I looked at him and realized i didn't believe one word that came out of his mouth anymore.
Apr 2 - 12PM
carol24's picture


In my case it started when I was going through a hard time and needed some support. We had been together for about 6 months and he had said that he wanted to get engaged. Then I became ill and lost my job at the same time. As you can imagine, this was a difficult time for me and I needed to be able to lean on him a bit. It seemed that he was put off by my "weakness". He eventually broke up with me saying "I don't want someone depending on me".
Apr 2 - 4PM (Reply to #46)
ifinallygotit's picture


Illness and job issues freak them out. You have to be healthy and happy to serve their needs at all times. they do not want the RESPONSIBILITY of a needy person or partner in pain.
Apr 2 - 1PM (Reply to #45)
onwithmylife's picture


the narcs cannot STAND to show any weakness themselves and do not want to hear it from YOU. His brother had to thank me for helping the Narc through a life threatening operation because the Narc, himself, COULD not do it, that is what his won brother wrote to me, wish i had kept the letter.They want the limeslight always to shine on THEM.
Apr 1 - 9PM
ifinallygotit's picture

money issues

My ex N went from very very rich to poor - huge blow to his ego. When we first met I did not make much either so he felt equal. while he sat on his butt I worked my ass off trying to build a small business and I now make a professional living - I passed him by...I did not realize that he secretly resented me for this. Also, he gave me alot of quiet support over the years of work stress... His frustration grew but he always said he was "fine". He told me last spring he was going to get some work that would take him away for a few months - he said don't cry, it might mot even happen. Well, yoy know my story, last summer he moved for the job while I was on vacation and I have never seen him again. He said we were not breaking up but soon faded and got a new girlfriend. He never told me he wanted to break up - texted me until Dec. and has never spoken to me or contacted me again (until I broke NC and called in March). So I think it was about money and ego and that the new girl makes him feel important. I think I started to feel like hs "mother' - not the whole relationship because he was dominant and controlling, but at the end, because I was really concerned about him. He basically used me and ran off to start a new life and is too guilty to speak about it.
Apr 2 - 6AM (Reply to #43)
safyre99's picture

I think my exN resented me too

I always felt during my relationship with my exN that he was a bit envious of me and resentful. My salary was higher than his and I have a higher degree, and while we were going out he had financial issues and ended up getting a new job and then got laid off and then was unemployed, so I think he resented the fact that I did better than him professionally and financially. So even though as I said in an earlier post that me saying "I love you" really started the D&D, I think by him being resentful and envious really contributed to the devaluation too.
Apr 1 - 9PM (Reply to #42)
Arwen's picture

yep money here too

He's intensely caught up with being poor after running into financial ruin...his whole rhetoric was always about how rich this or that one is, how big his house was, how much money this or that woman has. I found out what happened...he couldn't handle anyone knowing he was not super rich. He also thought that all of his friends judged him by how much money he did or did not have. As if HE were the only one affected by this great recession...as if any mature adult would care less about someone's financial misfortunes. Wow such projection huh?
Apr 1 - 1PM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It was a gradual and

It was a gradual and downhill. Even during the grand first year, I was so wrapped up in the illusion of him, coupled with how he would sugar coat situations, that I really didn't want to admit what he was until he *turned* on me...two years later. I was his best friend, the greatest personality he ever met and subtle long term references would be strewn throughout our relationship to make me think "I was different', "special" that I had a CHANCE!. I think I will post my story soon, so I won't go through all the hub bub, here but we were never technically 'together'...so our 'breakup' wa smore of the THE big moment of discard...and it has been a rapid spiral downward ever since. I was his side kick for 2 years, from 2007-2009. He told me everything, had me go practically everywhere with him. Always complimented me. Not to say there were't red flags but I thought I was immune to anything 'bad'. This man would say his life would crumble without me, that I should stop worrying because I had 'a nice home, a dog, and a man that loved me'. Then, one fateful summer 2009. He met a girl. He met 'The One'. He lived with me, he had a baby born to another girl that Feb 2009. And now, instead of trying to make something real with either of us (he had been involved with baby's momma for 3 years at that point, with me for two.) he 'dumps' us both and declartes this New Girl 'The One'. From that moment on nothing was ever the same. I annoyed him. Nothing I did was ever right. That I was like a 'festering boil that wouldn't go away'. Of course, there is more but that is the 'break up' for us. He simply stopped addressing and interacting with me the way he used to. Literally overnight. And not only did it stop but he became verbally hostile and bitter towards me. Not in a 'bad mood way' because he would be smiling and laughing and joking with everyone else then two minutes later have this huge list of negative qualities to say about me... I was torn apart. This man who made be believe that I was his best friend and confident, overight made me his arch nemesis...and the only thing I did was stand by his side because I had no boundries to walk away sooner!
Apr 1 - 5PM (Reply to #40)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

OMG is all I have to say.

I"m new to this board too and I'm still in shock and trying to overcome the trauma of my recent dumping. I still haven't told my whole story either, and reading what you wrote is just heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you went through this and I don't even know what to say. I"m still trying to deal with the heartache myself and I'm just so thankful for the supportive women on this site and the things they've said to encourage me and keep me strong. But today I feel so weak, and so mad too. It's a good thing I'm 3,000 miles away from my exN because I would probably be arrested for assault. I really feel like beating the shit out of him today. It's just that kind of day.
Mar 31 - 7PM
onwithmylife's picture


Your story was very interesting,and in some respects very similar to mine, the first time I really spoke up and sent him a letter asking why the relationship was ALWAYS a bout his wants,needs, what about me and that was the end, after 15 years, his very fragile ego could not stand being questioned even in a very friendly manner. He could not stand any form of criticism ,no matter how kindly it was said, nothing. He was affected by his mother who smothered and doted on him as a young toddler, after initially wanting a girl, she already had a boy 17 years earlier.she never gave him the unconditional live he so desperately sought and was a narc herself ,from what his first wife told me. I asked the narc in a letter who is the common denominator in your 5 failed relationships and THAT WAS IT.
Mar 31 - 6PM
Steph's picture

my first N/psycho....I think

my first N/psycho....I think the last time he banged my head with his fist....knocked some frickin sense in me and that sparked the final break up. Actually, during our initial separation, he came over and proceeded to tell me how everything we had together in our home belonged to him.......even though he was unemployed for quite sometime and only had recently had a good paying job. Before that I had the job that paid for shit lol......anyways, he told me how wonderful he was blah blah and then he walked over to the chair I was sitting in and started punching my head. He walked back to his chair after. Then, I got up. Walked over to him....and planted my fist into his head as many times as I could and told him he will NEVER lay another hand on me. He looked at me like I was a blink away from being retarded (sorry)....and quit touching me. That was it. He left. Stalked me several times following. I changed the locks. Eventually, thank God (sorry for her though) he met a new girl. And left me alone. That was the end of that. I was with him for 7 years. The others that followed him had an advantage. If they didn't PHYSICALLY abuse me, I thought they were great lol Ya, not so much.
Mar 31 - 2PM
kizzy72's picture

no to liquor

My ex in 2009. He would manipulate me to take him to the liquor store. If i said no, he would call me all names in the book and threaten to break up with me. The final break up was my family having to threaten him to leave me alone, after slapping me, trying to drive my car off the highway.
Mar 31 - 2PM
Scoop's picture

I had six break ups with my

I had six break ups with my narc and everyone of them was sparked with me telling him what i needed . I walked on egg shells most of the time but when ever i tryed to exsert any kind of power he would play the "youre dumped" card ... its clasic narc .. so i would get to thinking "how could he dump someone when he said he loved so much? " and i would try and put myself in his position and think " i would never dump him just to make a point because i would never risk loosing someone i loved so much " ... and theres the diffrence , that there is the diffrence between narc love and normal love .Really the diffrence is you loved him and he never loved you . God that is a hash thing to write and i know its almost imposible to hear right now . You are totaly right about the shaming thing , underneath all of the bravdo is a man full of self hatered and shame and he has to put you down and share his shame around because other peoples pain is his pain killer ... its so sick , but you are dealing with someone who is sick , mentaly ill. You can not change this in him , there is no amout of love and security you can give him that will "cure" him , when someone is personality disordered it means his very person , self , being , personality is sick , and there isnt any know medication that can put that right and even top psycologist will think twise before trying to help them as they know it is a waste of time .A narc would have to be in therpy for the rest of his life and still only make a surface level change , all he will learn is to "act" better it wont be a real change as the damage was done way before you came along ,some say in year one of his life .Go back through the board and read it all , it will take a long time and thats ok ... big love to you , i know it hurts and its as confusing as hell but once you get a grasp on the disorder it will help so much .. x
Apr 2 - 6AM (Reply to #34)
onwithmylife's picture


I second what Agnes says about your comments, wonderful, there do not seem to be many old timers still left on this board and while i am happy for them I miss their words of wisdom also. Your comments are so accurate, the' you are dumped' card. my narc broke up with me so many times I really lost count in 15 yeas but now I know he never loved me, the other 5 women in his life, and most of all his self hatred. It did all start in very early childhood and is permanent, like it or not, and while it hurts like hell, if you realize it has NOTHING to do with you, the pain can lessen somewhat and you are able to move on, with scars nevertheless, but with understanding to put things in perspective.He even told me he had a huge amount of guilt, if you have treated people well there should not be guilt, a no brainer.
Apr 2 - 1PM (Reply to #35)
Scoop's picture

Ohh yes mine use to say he

Ohh yes mine use to say he felt guilty all the time but i dont think it was guilt because that sujest a higher emotion like empathy or compashion , i think he mixed up the word guilt with fear which is what we do know they can feel . My would profess to having lots of emotions he faked but when you add up the actions to the words they dont make sence . Its the same old phrase but when thier lips are moving they are lieing , which stands to reason because their whole personality is an act due to their detactment from self so none of it is real so nothing they say is real good or bad .Takes so long to get youre head around .. Fear not we shall go to the wedding ! im not sure how yet but im working on it , ill keep you posted lol xx
Apr 2 - 5AM (Reply to #32)
agnesmurphy17's picture


Scoop. Wow. So straight on. I think you & I started here at the same time. And I know you were suffering. Sounds like you have traveled a zillion miles in your recovery. Hope you have found some happiness now.
Apr 2 - 1PM (Reply to #33)
Scoop's picture

Agnesmurphy , im well on my

Agnesmurphy , im well on my way to healing , most days are good and calm , i have my moments still of crying and hating but they are no way intrusive as they where before , more like little realise of pressure , 16 months now NC and i still have to pinch myself that i am here and i still think how the f**k did i make it . Its NC that got me through and this site .. so ture .. I knew i had been brainwashed at the time as my thinking was all over the place , nc really was the only thing that got me back to normal , god , i think the low points where the first couple of months when i was in the fog of it all , i remember losing my car in car parks when i went shopping , trolling the car park to try and find it as i fogot due to the obssessive thought . Another low point was when he took up with the ow but she dumped him which was a huge relieve and i did a bit of a dance round the living room the day i found that out ! but the pain during that time when i thought he was happy with someone else was indescrible i never felt pain like it . I kind of look at the anger pase with fondness now , i was out of my head so crazy angrey but it was soooo good for me , my goodness i needed to get mad. I think when i turned the corner was about 8 months into nc when the brainwashing had gone and the anger and tears died down and through reading as much as i could ,i reread everything at that time and it started to realy hit home how final his disorder is , also it was when our happy joined and her story and narc was my narc and through her sharing her story i finaly got it all , thats why this board is so important .. big love ... old timer lol Scoop x
Mar 31 - 7PM (Reply to #31)
JMi's picture

Same as Scoop in a

Same as Scoop in a way Whenever i was the one who needed any kind of support or needed for him to be the backbone of our relationship he would run for the hills - cue numerous breakups but the pattern was ALWAYS the same - it would start with him accusing me of asking too much......i didn't ask - he knew he couldn't show the love and support i would need in a difficult moment so he would already be setting me up for a fall......then the avoidance and the silent treatment.......cue new friends/gf.......they don't ask anything of me they let me be who i want to be......he would literally stop communicating one day and i would be expected to understand/accept that it was over...no logic,no reasoning and WOW if i attempted to discuss or ask for an explanation.....that was unacceptable- i remember my dad had just found out 6 weeks earlier he had cancer and N dumped me in a car park outside his work after i had to go and get him out his office to come and talk me thru what was going on with us.......he did not give a flying fuck altho weeks previous he had sat in the hospital with us whilst my dads hair dropped out from chemo and told me 'i'll be here for you baby' He had a new gf!!! Needless to say i went back - we even married December just gone - it lasted 1 month he is living with his new gf and exclaiming to the world he's finally 'happy now' How daft do i feel - hindsight is a wonderful thing!! xx
Mar 31 - 8AM
OnlyChild49 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Home Purchase!!

We had not been getting along. The final thing that pushed the breakup was when he purchased a foreclosed home in an elite association in my area. We had been discussing marriage. I gave him 3 practical reasons why I did not want to live in the home he was hoping to buy. He bought it anyway. His Mom gave him the money. About a year ago, he left the foreclosed home that he had been working on for 3-4 months and has only been back to it 4x that I know of. When he got back to his 20 acre farm 5 hours away, he decided within a week he would raise lambs/sheep for market. He has a MA and is retired mobility specialist (teacher)with very little common sense and impulse control. My therapist advises me the home purchase was his way of telling me I couldn't tell him what to do!! Enough is enough!!
Mar 31 - 12AM
Arwen's picture

When I found him out and also when I called him on his sh-t

I think the moment that he saw just how smart, wordly and articulate I was is when the break-up began. So I believe he was setting me up in order to idolize/pedestalize and then ultimately devalue and leave me. I openly protested to his bigotry and abuse of his little dog and just by showing my incredible discomfort with just about everything he did and said, he started to see that I was a bi-ch in his mind. He kept me around for awhile to devalue me but it was when I found out a very serious situation he was involved in that was the beginning of the end and also, I refused to lie down and take the lies he tried to tell me about the other significant woman and his life and I was VERY vocal about it and would not put up with it at all. That was the last time I saw him. He continued to call and tell me he loved me, that he was not seeing anyone on FB, bull bull bull and more bull but the slow death that was going on was too much for me to bear. He was not asking me to get together anymore and it was clear he was with other women or who the hell knows what with the one woman he claimed to not be in love with but "loved".
Mar 30 - 10PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

This is a very good question

As I read today, that the D&D actually takes place long before they act it out. You could have been D&D'd without even knowing he's written you off...and he will string you along enough to abuse you...then give the final POUNCE... So, actually, I know what made me protest, but it was months before he did what he did. WHAT he did was because I was already D&D'd...does that make sense to you? They dismiss you but don't feel the need to tell you that you are now on the shitlist...that is when all the passive aggressive and subtle abusive behaviors start to surface...but since they're subtle you don't catch on. You start reacting...Narc then says...who the hell are you to think you are to upsurp my authority and God given right to "ABUSE" you how dare you protest...YOU NEED A LESSON...then they go in for the KILL... So, I can't answer that cause he never told me what caused that moment...maybe I didn't put the toilet paper on the roll properly and he had a moment of self loathing because he identified with the fact that while I may have screwed up in putting it in properly...he couldn't even afford to buy a roll of toilet paper... Could be any number of reasons...
Mar 31 - 6PM (Reply to #27)
mystwoman's picture

Michele, you have a really

Michele, you have a really good point with this. I'm sure I was D&D'd well before the "official" D&D. The "official" end to it all was the night he came home after cheating. He told me he didn't love me any longer, and "didn't want to do this anymore". Meaning be married. Of course, this did not stop xnh from wanting to still live in my house after he dumped me. Nice try, xnh. Fifteen minutes later xnh and his duffel bag were leaving my property forever. However, I suspect that when xnh really D&D'd me was about a year before the "official" D&D, when I threw his hideous P daughter out of the house after she was arrested on felony drug possession charges. I refused to have any future relationship with her or let her back into the house ever again. Actually I was afraid that her, and/or her druggie gang crowd, would knife me in my sleep and steal me blind. Xnh would somehow manage to turn this into all my fault, of course...and I would still be just as dead. Xnh always just buries his head in the sand and pretends that whatever she does is just wonderful. I can still hear the syntax of conversations between xnh and the P daughter to this day. Hideous P daughter: "I really don't KNOW how my boyfriend tripped and fell onto that knife those 54 times, Dad! I swear I didn't have anything to do with it. He's just really clumsy." Xnh: "It's alright, sweetie. I know you didn't have anything to do with it. No one is accusing you of anything." Hug. Hug. Kiss. Kiss. Barf. If I were ever stupid enough to open my mouth, and accuse her of anything, xnh would come down onto me like the Wrath Of God. She'd still deny everything and xnh would accuse me of making stuff up about her. Thus, let my abuse begin. When the hideous P daughter got out of jail, I made her go live with her mother and never spoke to her again. After my living with her psycho crap and drama for 16 years, I was done. Xnh took this as a "challenge", and it became an excuse for him to escalate his abusing me. I wasn't letting xnh have his baby way, and he didn't like it. Therefore, my guess is xnh D&D'd me when he discovered that I was not letting his hideous P daughter back into the house (no matter WHAT he tried). The entire year that I kept her out of the house, xnh made my life a complete Hell. Then he cheated on me, and did the "official" D&D. You are absolutely correct with "Narc then says...who the hell are you to think you are to upsurp my authority and God given right to "ABUSE" you how dare you protest...YOU NEED A LESSON...then they go in for the KILL..."

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Mar 31 - 1PM (Reply to #26)
JLMNY1's picture

Good points

Michele15 your post of "You could have been D&D'd without even knowing he's written you off...and he will string you along enough to abuse you...then give the final POUNCE..." really made sense. I wasn't fulfilling his expectations long before the break up. He had already D&D'd me weeks before- and I see that now by some of the things he was doing. I was already on the edge- and that's exactly what he told me when we had the pre-break up talk. He said everything between us was "on the edge." But he didn't go in for the final kill until three days later. He made me believe we still had a possible chance, and I went all that nexxt weekend trying my hardest to be the person he was expecting me to be, giving him all kinds of love and attention, but really, I was already gone in his mind completely.
Mar 30 - 10PM
Susan32's picture

"I love you"

I had known the ex-Psych professor since freshman year. We had gone to concerts, lectures, out to lunch, talked on the phone. Finally, my senior year, I declared my love to him, since graduation wasn't that far off. All I did was tell him I liked him, cared about him... the final D&D was ugly&public. He'd reduce me to tears in front of his colleagues&my classmates. I'd be weeping, and he'd stand there, coldly, with a sneer on his face saying "You are embarrassing yourself." He refused to take responsibility for his actions (yes, I taunted him on it later on, saying "how manly, not being accountable!HAHAHAHA!") After a pastor friend of mine died from a long battle with cancer, the ex-P flaunted his girlfriend, whom I didn't know existed. She had moved from CA to NM to be with him. Romantic rejection hurts badly enough, but the ex-P was incredibly cruel. When I met his girlfriend, and she&I had a nice chat, he ran out... physically abandoning her, and not even introducing her to his colleagues. I was too humiliated to go to the senior picnic. During the final D&D, I'd be crying myself to sleep. I was too upset to volunteer at the local elementary school. Somehow I managed to NOT attempt suicide (because I had the will to live&I wanted to rub it in)It was incredibly painful. I remember telling the ex-P "I know romantic rejection. It's called high school." Again, he showed NO consideration for my feelings/needs, despite the fact we had a teacher/student relationship, rather than boyfriend/girlfriend one, and were never sexually involved. He DID rub it in with the girlfriend, tho he never praised her, and he hoovered me afterwards. When I congratulated him on being engaged, he raged angrily at me about personal boundary violations/imposition (by then, if he said I was hurting him emotionally, I would've done so with a smile on my face) I DID manage to graduate with good grades. I kinda got the last laugh because the senior skit mocked his cowardice&his tendency to run away from reality. When the senior skit ridiculed him... he ran out, tho he had just finished a bottle of beer.
Mar 30 - 9PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The Breakup?

From what I've read and what I experienced, I think the moment he knew I was in love with him, it was the beginning of the end. Up until that point he was trying to win me over with his Prince Charming act. Once he secured my love and knew I would be a consistent source of supply, game over, and his true colors started to come out. We too were in a long distance relationship and this occurred about 6 months in. Right at the time things were getting serious and I was contemplating giving up my life to be with him, but he started pulling away. Of course, not all the way. Just enough to confuse me for the next 6 months with his hot & cold behavior and mixed messages. The whole devaluing thing begins and happens many times before they finally discard you for good. It's like up until then they keep recycling you. My final D&D came 8 1/2 weeks ago after I spent the entire month of December in his town and the Holidays with him. 3 weeks later, a girlfriend of over 25 years ago reappeared in his life and they immediately picked up where they left off. He let me know by posting it all over Facebook. Pictures of the two of them kissing and holding hands, hugging at a party. Plus the status updates he posted to go along with them that were heartbreaking to me. He pretty much announced to all our mutual friends this was his new girlfriend. The really messed up part though is that he was so mean about it. Not only was he indiscreet and insensitive to my feelings, he rubbed my face in it. It wasn't enough that he broke my heart by dumping me overnight, he had to crush me in the process. He had already de-friended me so I couldn't see what he was posting. So he made sure to describe everything in excruciating detail over the phone. All of it. The "soft, sensuous kiss" between them caught on camera, how everyone at the party thought she was "The One" for him and she was a keeper, how she was the life of the party, and how they liked her so much better than me, because I seemed "grumpy." And he slept with her and had sex with her that same night. He took me to a New Year's Eve Party held by this same group of people BTW where I didn't know anyone, and basically ignored me the whole time and treated my like a buddy instead of someone he supposedly loved. He wandered off immediately after we arrived and left me on my own. When I spotted him I went over to him and he walked away again. At that point I quit following him around like a puppy dog, but I don't have a good poker face, and it was obvious I wasn't very happy. I used to be a lot of fun and the life of he party, but he sucked the life out of me. He even rejected me at Midnight during the New Year's kiss and someone got a picture of that too - him standing there stiffly with his arms at his sides while I had my arms around his neck trying to kiss him, while he barely kissed me back, coldly staring at the camera the whole time. It was humiliating. He kept calling me and texting for the next several weeks even though he had a new GF, changed his relationship status on FB and practically made his FB page a shrine to her. And he opened his page up to Friends of Friends, which he'd never done before, just so I could see the progression of his relationship. He wanted to keep me around as a friend and back up supply to listen to him talk about his relationship with his new GF. He made sure to tell me about all the gifts he got her for Valentine's Day, and even insisted on reading what he wrote inside one of the 4 cards he got her. When I repeatedly said, I don't want to hear it and he actually said, "Yeah you do...." and proceeded to try and tell me, I hung up on him. I finally went completely NC 2 weeks ago. Up until then I had tried and I would avoid his calls and texts for 2 or 3 days but he would wear me down and I would respond. He knew just which buttons to push. But every time I did he just hurt me more and proved what a sadistic son-of-a-bitch he really is. The last contact we had it was finally over, because I think he realized I wasn't going to give him the supply he needed when I told him for the umpteenth time he couldn't talk to me about her and he had no use for me anymore.
Apr 2 - 4AM (Reply to #23)
Alisa's picture


"From what I've read and what I experienced, I think the moment he knew I was in love with him, it was the beginning of the end. Up until that point he was trying to win me over with his Prince Charming act. Once he secured my love and knew I would be a consistent source of supply, game over, and his true colors started to come out." That's exactly how I feel about mine. Plus, the breakup happened shortly after we had sex for the first (and only) time. He had won me over. After that I started seeing a look on his face that can be best described by "bored". The sparkle in his eyes was gone when he looked at me. We had sex one weekend, then didn't see each other during the week and the following weekend I was sick (and oh so needy) and he ended it. I used to blame myself for being so needy (I had acted a bit crazy that weekend but I know that it was probably because he was playing mind games with me - telling me he'd come visit because I was sick, then going on a trip with friends instead and keeping me waiting around.) but now I know it was out of my control.
Mar 31 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
safyre99's picture

Me too

I'm sorry Smitten for what you went through with him. I also think when my exN knew I loved him that was the beginning of the end for me as well. I told him I loved about 3 1/2 months into the relationship and we went out for about a year so the devaluation was over the course of several months. The weird thing is he had mentioned to me about moving in together after a month of us starting to go out and then one night he initiated a conversation and asked me what I liked about him and then he asked me if I loved him. I don't understand why he would go from wanting to move in together to pulling back and starting to devalue. And, why would he ask me if I loved him if he was afraid of the answer or thought it might not be the answer he wanted. I really think him knowing I loved him caused him to panic and pull back. My exN also was all over Facebook about his new girlfriend. I eventually hid his profile so that way no more of his posts and status updates, etc. come up on my newsfeed. But, it really hurt because he never was really public about our relationship and never put photos of us up on Facebook or put comments on my wall, etc. One time we went to a friend's house for a BBQ and he did the same thing that happened to you at that party... he didn't treat me like I was his girlfriend, he treated me more like a friend... it seemed like he didn't even want to sit next to me... I don't understand why Ns do that... do they feel tied down or not in control or is it a sort-of mind game?
Apr 1 - 12PM (Reply to #21)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Safyre99

The thing about my exN is that he was the one who first said "I love you." He was the one sending me "love" songs. He was the one who first sent an "I love you" hug/or heart using that application on FB. It was all part of his act to lure me in further. He wasn't going to be satisfied until he absolutely won my heart, soul, and mind. I know if he had taken me to that party at the beginning of our relationship, he would have treated me like he treated the new GF, but at the time we went to the New Year's party, he was already moving on and getting ready to discard me for good.
Apr 1 - 7PM (Reply to #22)
JLMNY1's picture


Smitten my exN did the same thing. It was all him. We were long distance- he pursued me IN EVERY WAY. I was the one who was cautious, since he was still married. I was more of an emotional outlet for him with his marriage issues, and ultimately, separation. But he DID separate from her, and it was because of me. He was the first to say "I love you" (just a month after we got together) and it was all him bringing me to family functions, encouraging me to tell my family about us, coming to visit me constantly. He put me on a pedestal, told everyone he knew about us, and eventually asked me to move in with him when I was done with school. Which I agreed to, being sucked in hook line and sinker. I moved cities, moved in with him, found a job, got on his cell phone plan etc. He was always the one who made the moves- he talked about marriage, etc. It was also him that ended the relationship. Three months after I moved in. I was already discarded long before, as I discovered from the posts on here. I just sped it up by bringing up the issue of him spending so much time on other activities outside of being home.
Mar 31 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
dudette's picture


That soooo really sucks!!!!smitten I am so sorry, it is kind of what happended to me although less fast. I don't know in what order he acquired the three of us that I know about at the same time but the official current one was the old GF and he is running the same thing as yours.... I dumped mine after terminating an "accidental" pregnancy that had clearly not wanted, and then getting the silent treatment... I had become so anxious the whole time and dealt with it on my own. I started thinking, I want a less complicated life... so I dumped him and he hoovered and then I found out at the "hoovering meeting" that what he really wanted was to commit to the old GF but keep me for sex.... We were making wedding plans only a couple of weeks prior to that. We were having those conversations over vows and wedding discos..... it was basically all future faking although I think that I gave him a run for his money the whole time and terminating the pregnancy without asking for help was the final narcissistic injury.... He could and should have discarded me much earlier or even said OK when I said that this relationship was clearly over and I was fine about it ( I was not but you know....). It took me ages to figure out that this behaviour made no sense because... well it makes no sense really....