The Path Forward Virtual Retreat Febuary 2021!



The worst thing he said to you

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Jun 29 - 9AM (Reply to #83)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Just remember

The horrible things they say to us are said out of envy. They envy us because we can feel real emotions, like love and compassion. They can't and this makes them envious of us. In order to retaliate, they put us down. It's nothing, but a projection and an attempt to make themselves feel better. At the end of the day, just remember, they are envious of us. The best revenge is a life well-lived!
Jul 1 - 5AM (Reply to #84)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

Important point

Thanks for the reminder. I read these comments and cringe. My narc bent over backwards to maintain his mask, yet there was always an undercurrent with communications. I could tell he was "tolerating" me and annoyed most of the time. His anger would be misplaced or out of proportion to most situations. Feedback I received from others also indicated an envy issue. When I would receive more attention from clients, he would question others as to why. I got that "attention" because I was being real, sharing from my heart and touching people - so they responded. He on the other hand shared logic and reason and it didn't have the same impact. I need to let that sink in.
Jul 1 - 6AM (Reply to #86)
Steph
Steph's picture

" I could tell he was

" I could tell he was "tolerating" me and annoyed most of the time. His anger would be misplaced or out of proportion to most situations." Exactly! I could always sense that under his "nice" surface, he might explode at any given moment. It's weird.
Jul 1 - 6AM (Reply to #85)
Steph
Steph's picture

duplicate post

duplicate post
Jun 28 - 1AM
kmoon
kmoon's picture

the worst thing he said to me... (part 1)

I will add to this, but just took a sleeping pill so i'm a bit woozy... This was a constant: "It's just that I seem to -- so frequently-- upset you." Sounds nice? Uh uh.. Translation: "YOU upset ME, so frequently, and I don't LIKE it." Because he never said, " How can i STOP HURTING YOU?" It was all about HIS pain, under the Fake Nice Guy Cover... To be continued.... Karin
Jun 27 - 6PM
querida
querida's picture

too many to list

I actually have made a list so that I can see where I missed red flags, grow, learn, and never miss such things again. 1) "I only married you because I didn't want you to be alone... since you don't have any friends, right?" WRONG 2) "Hey, I am just preparing you for your next husband. Then maybe you will know how to treat a man. You're welcome!" 3) That I should be paying HIM to talk to me, instead of my therapist, cuz his advice is more valuable anyway. 4) Accusing me of wanting an intimate relationship with my best friend, since I sought out her advice and support. I cnanot even describe it... it was so cruel and harsh that I had a panic attack from him words to me. and the classic... 5) "Fu*k you." This coming from the golden boy, super-Christian, bible-study-teaching man who has refused any counseling because "(I) just need to get psychological help, not (him)."
Jul 1 - 5PM (Reply to #79)
ewa
ewa's picture

I cant belive

Wow, I can not believe anybody can say actually sth like this.It is so crazy what he said. Sounds like a real psycho N. Mine used to say to me: I will not marry you before we have a kid. Because i would have to divorce you if you can not have the kid - it was a big read flag i have ignored. He also said that in his life he used to love other girls more then he loved me - and he said it during our relationship. And when i complained about sth (usually him meeting other women) he used to say: It is only about me and you, not about other people. You should look at yourself first, what you are doing wrong. But this what he said to you Querida i think is even more nasty and cruel. Hugs!
Jun 27 - 6PM (Reply to #72)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

psychological help

Classic N... You have issues, you need help,I don't have issues, I know more than all these shrinks, blah blah blah.... No buddy, I don't have the issues that you tell me I have, us real people call them FEELINGS...my only issues are trying to deal with YOU. And always an N is doing us a favor by being with us because no one else would want us. Welcome querida.

Nevergoback

Jun 27 - 8PM (Reply to #73)
querida
querida's picture

thank you

thank you, haven't written my "story" and not sure that I really can. I have been reading for about 3 months, and have learned alot, and been assured that I am not crazy - he is. I forgot, Mr. Bible study said he could leave me because I was unfaithful to him. How you ask, since I never even spoke to another man? By confiding in my best friend, I was unfaithful to him and our marriage, and he feels he had every right to leave me and tell other people I wasn't faithful to him. You know good and well that saying that makes people think I ran around on him!!!!!!!! He needs help. It will only happen again to some other starry-eyed woman.
Jul 1 - 2PM (Reply to #77)
better off
better off's picture

He needs help? No, he needs

He needs help? No, he needs Hell. And he's going to get it! Long ago, my husband and I had to decided to leave a church that we were very involved in, due to some issues with the pastor, like, um...lying! (Now I think I know what was wrong with the pastor and I think it starts with the letter "N"!) So we heard from friends that while we were being discussed by a Bible study group later, this one guy makes this big statement criticizing us, that joining a church is a commitment, and he views it as seriously as a marriage commitment, blah blah. I thought it was kind of weird at the time I heard about it, seemed strange to me coming from him, and I didn't care about his opinions of us anyway. So flash forward LESS THAN A YEAR and this SAME GUY was found having an affair, leaves his beautiful sweet wife for the other woman,(blaming this lovely person for not being a good enough wife, and really did a head game on her), tried to take all the money, tried to avoid paying her any support or child support at ALL (he was a doctor!), and even broke into her house, ASSAULTED her and took their daughter away in the night. And yet this animal would sit in church and make ridiculous over the top pious statements. They truly are everywhere. As the Bible says "you will know them by their fruit." (actions) Turned out he had a pretty rotten history too...
Jul 2 - 12PM (Reply to #78)
querida
querida's picture

are you serious? *sigh* I

are you serious? *sigh* I hate hearing stories like that about people who (say that they) have been called to ministry. It just sours people to church and Christianity. I don't wish hell on my NH, I just NEVER want to see or speak or deal with him again. I just want him out of my life for the rest of MY life. He also told me: He has more integrity than my father WRONG I am so selfish, so prideful, and a pathological liar CAN YOU SAY PROJECTION? I don't know how to be a biblical wife and be led by my husband. WASN'T AWARE HE WANTED A DOORMAT WIFE, I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO BE PARTNERS IN LIFE, SUPPORTING EACH OTHER He doesn't know who I am praying to anyway. (To my God, not my demi-God husband!) If I would just make a total heart and mind change, he would consider coming back. He couldn't remember one thing he liked about me when prompted in front of our minister-counselor. All this after less than one year of marriage, folks
Jun 28 - 11PM (Reply to #76)
lynn61
lynn61's picture

thank you

i really appreciated you sharing querda. your story sounds much like mine. i am hoping like you to eventually share my story on the site. for now the board has been incredibly therapeutic for me as i am walking through a divorce after over 28 years of marriage to what i am becoming to believe is a N.

really??

Jun 28 - 2AM (Reply to #75)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

querida

Just to add to your last post about not posting your story, you have been heavily punished obviously, for confiding in anyone, but please know that you are in a safe place here to tell.

Nevergoback

Jun 27 - 8PM (Reply to #74)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

querida

Hi querida, it is hard for some of us to tell our story but I think it is something we should do as it helps us sort out what really went on. I have not told my story yet either but I am finding by posting a lot more I am getting more motivated to tell it. As you have been reading on the board, we always get blamed for the end of the relationship, regardless of how it occurred. Feel free to ask questions if you have not already read something you want to know because there are plenty of people here that will be able to relate in one way or another. If he is an N, and from your description it sure sounds like he is, then no amount of help will change him. Try posting a bit more, it can be very validating to have others relate directly to your experience. Everyone here knows how it feels to have been through an experience such as this. Are you in counseling or therapy of some kind? It is virtually impossible to get through this on your own. (((HUGS))) to you, we know how lonely and confusing it can be.

Nevergoback

Jun 27 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

The worst thing he said

He called my daughters "trash." They are seven and ten, they are the loveliest, kindest, most loving children in the world. They have straight As in one of the best schools in our huge city. They are in Sunday school at 8am every Sunday morning, love to cook and bake and read Nancy Drew and listen to jazz. The N's foster child is raised by the next door neighbor because the N doesn't know anything about children, and the babysitter is sleeping with the N's married brother. The child's mother is a heroin addict and a prostitute. The N takes him to bars and women's houses until ten, eleven, twelve oclock every night and they sleep until ten every day. But MY daughters are trash.
Jul 30 - 4PM (Reply to #70)
sweetsamm
sweetsamm's picture

I'm so sad thinking about

I'm so sad thinking about it,but my ex called my son a loser,fat,retard........what kind of man says these things about a 7yr old boy?? He'd call him a mama's boy,who's still sucking on his mommy's nipple...i would tell my son to ignore it,and say it was because he was drinking...my ex's mom left his dad and him when he was 9,and took her other 2children with her...i'm sure my ex was jealous of me always loving and being there for my son.....i finally left the jerk when my son was 17,the damage has been done,and i don't think i'll ever forgive myself for staying so long..and btw,my son is thin,handsome,and smart...:)
Jul 1 - 3PM (Reply to #69)
ewa
ewa's picture

He knew that he will hurt

He knew that he will hurt you strong saying this about your kids. That is why he called them this way when he wanted to really hurt you. He only meant to hurt you, i don't think he thinks your daughters are trash.
Jul 1 - 10AM (Reply to #68)
calamity-g
calamity-g's picture

the worst thing he said RE: --"he called my daughters trash

helldweller-- hi. After reading the many 'worst things,' all of which I could relate to, some of which were nearly the same words I've heard, I saw your post and have to say I'm sorry. I mean all of these things narcissists say are nasty and cruel. And I'm sorry that any and all of us had to endure this kind of sick sick evil in our lives. And Lisa is right, they envy people who feel love, or feel anything for that matter. And who more than 'lovely children' are innocent and filled with love? Calling young children (or any age child I think) trash, really no matter what those children do with their time, (because the way they spend their time is up to the parents) is... I am stopped for words. I think it reflects what a dumbf*** that guy is. A total loser. But then they are all losers. I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry you had to hear that! ~~~~~~~~ My Blog

~~~~~~~~
My Blog

Jun 26 - 11PM
Amy
Amy's picture

hmmm.... so many!

In the last 3 months since we have been engaged: In Vegas 2 days after we got engaged, I asked if he knew someone I knew in the area (sounded like the same person). He took me out of the bar, started berating me, saying "I can't f*cking take you anywhere! Everyone in the area knows you as a f*cking alcoholic party girl!" I slept in the bathroom, scared to death. The next morning he BEGGED me not to tell anyone he did that, and said he didn't know why he did things like that.... When I was crying because I was worried that my dad was having surgery for prostate cancer, he told me he "didn't feel sorry for me" and that I was "handling things wrong". After we fought because I looked at his OnePass account, he told me if I had a job he'd have left me already. Then he said I "didn't know my place" and his mom knew her place and his dad would have kicked her out if she pulled a stunt like that (his father would be appalled if he knew how his son was treating me). He accused me of looking for the guy I was dating before when I went to dinner with a girlfriend. Told me I was LUCKY that the company I interviewed with liked me because I was "drinking" before my interview. I went and met friends the night before and had 1 drink. I was home by 7:20. Upon learning that the job I got would have me office-ing from home, he told me I have no discipline and that I am not a self starter! He said I lost my job in March because I was out drinking with my new boyfriend all the time. He made me e-bay all the clothes my new boyfriend had bought me, and made me give back the sunglasses and $5k watch he bought me (which made the guy feel greeeeaat.) It goes on and on.... 3 MONTHS!
Jun 28 - 12PM (Reply to #66)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

I have a Vegas story too! We

I have a Vegas story too! We went there for my 21st birthday. We took my best friend and his best friend. He has always thought that me and his best friend were in love with each other (I've known him since kindergarden, he is like a brother). Anyways, we were all walking down the strip and me and his best friend were walking behind him talking. I said under my breath "I still dont get why he thinks that we are in love" and then I laughed. My N turned around all mad and threw his drink in my face right there on the strip in front of everyone! He then ran off and I had to chase him down. He kept pushing me and screaming. He then called the airline trying to get a flight home. His friend finally took him away to calm him down. The next morning he was being all nice and lovey. He said how sorry he was and not to tell anyone what happened. He also said "please dont leave me. You arent going to leave right? You know I didnt mean it. I love you" What a load of crap!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 28 - 12PM (Reply to #64)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Amy

I have a Vegas story too! We went there for my 21st birthday. We took my best friend and his best friend. He has always thought that me and his best friend were in love with each other (I've known him since kindergarden, he is like a brother). Anyways, we were all walking down the strip and me and his best friend were walking behind him talking. I said under my breath "I still dont get why he thinks that we are in love" and then I laughed. My N turned around all mad and threw his drink in my face right there on the strip in front of everyone! He then ran off and I had to chase him down. He kept pushing me and screaming. He then called the airline trying to get a flight home. His friend finally took him away to calm him down. The next morning he was being all nice and lovey. He said how sorry he was and not to tell anyone what happened. He also said "please dont leave me. You arent going to leave right? You know I didnt mean it. I love you" What a load of crap!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jul 1 - 12PM (Reply to #65)
Amy
Amy's picture

wow...

I love the "don't tell anyone" crap!
Jun 27 - 1AM (Reply to #59)
sarahb
sarahb's picture

Amy

hi Amy, Oh, my, I am sorry you went through that, he truly sounds like a psychopath. i mean, something about your description made me think he sounds like that Joran Van der Sloot monster that killed Natalie Holloway and the other poor woman in Peru. Please tell me you are free of him now?
Jun 27 - 11AM (Reply to #60)
Amy
Amy's picture

Not Yet

He disappeared Wednesday night and I have not heard from him since. He will reappear some time and I am not sure what to do. We are engaged at the moment. I am probably changing the locks tomorrow. I will sell the ring in a few weeks.
Jun 27 - 2PM (Reply to #61)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Amy

Be glad he disappeared. This is your chance to get out. Please do what you know you need to do and know you're not alone. We are here for you. You can do this! xoxo
Jun 28 - 10AM (Reply to #63)
Amy
Amy's picture

Thanks Lisa!

Even though it feels so strange to have someone just disappear, I am glad. i went to a girlfriend's last night to celebrate. It was a lot of fun and I felt like me normal, happy self again!
Jun 28 - 10AM (Reply to #62)
Amy
Amy's picture

Thanks Lisa!

Even though it feels so strange to have someone just disappear, I am glad. i went to a girlfriend's last night to celebrate. It was a lot of fun and I felt like me normal, happy self again!
Jun 26 - 2PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

God Complex!

"I was never emotionally or sexually connected to you. I married you because I thought that my love for you would transform you the way Isabelle's [former girlfriend] love transformed me." Ladies, he married me because I had some cash which helped him to acquire the house he wanted. He got the house in the divorce. I left him shortly after he articulated this line about "transforming" me.
Jun 27 - 2PM (Reply to #57)
GIJ
GIJ's picture

Agnesmurphy17 - Can you say shithead?

I'm glad you left and didn't stay for more of his bullshit. And that he used you for $$ to buy a house? Unbelievable and outrageous. Yes, how big of him to bestow his "love" on you!! Yet he can't acquire his own money for his own stuff. Makes me want to stand in the shower and wash off the cooties for you. I bet Isabelle has some tales to tell, too.
Jun 25 - 10PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Are you kidding me?

Just got a letter from "my man in jail" who would NEVER stop loving me and would die without me, after only 43 days of NC on my part and dozens of love letter from him: I will always call you for problems I have with girls or other things that happen in my life. I want us for now to have an "open relationship" with each other. You can always come to me and tell me your problems. So please hit me back and tell me what's going on or at least help me to better myself. Gee, sounds to me like he has moved on so fast and he's in jail, he must have found a sugar mama to pay his way while he is in there. This letter I got today just proves that the NP D&D's even when in jail, perhaps he has found a new guy? Funny there is no mention of my restitution or all the horrible things he did to me. No remorse, no guilt, and no realization that he left me high and dry with broken things, no money, and a broken heart. This letter is more pathetic than the bs love letters cuz at least those are hysterical. This letter shows me that the entire relationship was a sham. I vow to maintain no contact no matter what. It just occurred to me as I am writing this that this letter may be a trap to try to get me to write back, all this talk about other girls, he is trying to get me jealous. Oooohhhh, I'm getting good at this. First he does the lovey dovey thing and that does not work so now he trys the cold detatched thing to see if this will work. I remember he used to do this when he was here, if I did not respond he would do the full gammet until he got a response. Or he means all this crap today and his mask is down so he is simply showing his true colors. He probably already moved on before he went to jail and now he is just playing me. Thank God for this site because it is teaching me to be wiser and one step ahead, so that he is NEVER ABLE TO SUCK ME IN AGAIN.