Why does he do this?

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#1 Aug 26 - 12PM
solost
solost's picture

Why does he do this?

I was with my N for 9 years.He cheated constantly, but I believe he was both a somatic and cerebral cuz he would withdraw and withold sex as well as cheat.

Back in April, on Good Friday, we had an argument (it really wasn't that big) but he used this as a reason to "separate" cuz "you need to work on yourself and your jealousy issues".

During this time he hooked up with a new girl and kept lying to me about it. Kept saying he wasn't with anyone. But I knew something wasn't right cuz he totally stopped calling me, refused to see me or do anything with me AT ALL. I realize now that he was keeping me on the back burner while he was hooking her.

Anyway I caught him red-handed kissing her one day.He still kept trying to keep me on the back burner telling me he wasn't with her but he still wouldn't have much to do with me.

Long story short I finally went NC with him about 3 months ago after I caught him coming home from a date with her. I went NC after that cuz I just couldn't take anymore, I just was in too much pain.

Last Tuesday I saw him for the first time since NC at my son's guitar practice. His son goes to the same place. My sons lesson ends 15 mins before his sons start. But on tuesday lessons were running 15 mins late so I was waiting out in the car in the parking lot for my son to come out.

ExN pulled in with his son. Now mind you he could have parked 4 cars over from me on the other side of this big red truck and I would have never even known he was there cuz I couldn't see the parking lot entrance from where I was. So he could have parked there and I would not have known he was there. But he parked next to me, one empty car space over.

His son (who I helped raise these past 9 years) went in for his lesson and we sat there for the next 10 mins in silence til my son came out, He wouldn't even look at me.

Why did he do this and WHY does he act like he HATES ME?? He ruined us and destroyed me, so why does he act like he hates me?

FIRST I was de-valued, THEN I was replaced, THEN I was discarded yet he hates me? I hurt constantly, everyday. I still think about him non stop and am very depressed. I still cry everyday and am just having such a hard time getting over him and even harder time moving on.

Anyone know why he HATES ME?

Aug 26 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Hatred

It baffled me too. At the beginning of the "relationship" with the ex-Psych professor, he told me he was writing a book... it would take him a decade to write,etc. Naturally, I bragged to my friends about it. Then he told my classmates (especially his circle of young male disciples) this-"I don't like Miss A---. I hate her" and that he wanted me to drop dead, that I was psycho,etc. I've dealt with bullies. I've had bullying teachers. NEITHER of them hated me with a passion and wanted me dead. All I did was treat him with kindness,respect,patience, and compassion--and for some reason he HATED me. During the D&D, he claimed I was "hitting on him" (luckily he was too stupid or had SOME sanity and didn't go to the Dean's office claiming sexual harassment). He wanted my classmates and my professors to think I was crazy. It backfired spectacularly. His fellow professors didn't like it that I spent any time with him... they thought he was a jerk, as did my classmates. Besides, people don't have high opinions of teachers who abuse their students (in this case, emotionally) and men who publicly humiliate women. The ex-P professor was too lazy to have a "nice guy" image in public and be a jerk behind closed doors. I even asked him,"If you hate me so much, why do you spend time with me?"
Aug 26 - 1PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

Also,

Try to look at it this way, from a Narc's POV (or as close as you can get to it). When a Narc "loves" you, that means he is excited about/still interested in you because he can still manipulate and lie to you and you will bend over and take it. When they "hate" you, that means they can't snow you anymore and youv'e went NC. This is the point when they actually have gained a sense of respect for you, in a sick and twisted way. When I say "respect", I mean they respect you insofar as they will finally leave you alone. Its the ones they deem vunerable that they DON'T respect. But by this time, the ones they actually respect will never likely have anything to do with them ever again. They really suck at life, don't they?
Sep 13 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
Used
Used's picture

shanyasmommy

your also post, so very very true, i was out with n once, and wouldnt talk to someone who had disrespected me, i just stood there as if they didnt exsist, after he went on and on about it, how he couldnt have done it, how he would have had to aknowledge them in some way, he looked at me and said, you realy are your own woman and have such character, but a look of sadness on his face, these things he will never have, or get, and he will never get me again either.
Aug 26 - 5PM (Reply to #9)
solost
solost's picture

hates me

I was wondering about that a bit. He can't snow me anymore and he hates me for finally seeing the real him. And he's going to make me pay for that by showing me and the world how he hates me. He wants everyone to think that I was a psycho (cuz I did stalk him a bit when he was still lying to me and I was trying to get the truth the only way I could cuz I sure wasn't going to get it from him) and I deserve this treatment. It's all so sick and twisted and painful
Aug 27 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
Chloe
Chloe's picture

Educate Yourself about this disorder--so important!!!

Narcissists: demean, devalue, humiliate, and punish. That's their M.O. Once the narcissist no longer has the adoration from you, he discards you like a piece of trash. He does, however, try to keep you "crazed" to keep himself excited. Both positive and negative attention toward him makes him feel powerful, that is why he parked next to you. He knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted to make you crazy. He parked there, giving you no attention, pretending that he didn't see you. These are their ways; their games. It's part of the narcissistic supply they need. Ignore him, and it will be like popping a balloon, watching it deflate. He will be on you like FLINT, and thus begins the cycle of dysfunction.
Aug 26 - 1PM
ShaynasMommy
ShaynasMommy's picture

He hates you because you know the truth...

When we know the truth, and can't possibly be convinced otherwise, that's when they throw the tantruma, give us the silent treatment, etc. They can't stand the truth about themselves, but rather than take responsibility for their own shit, they get grumpy and take out their anger and frustration on us. That's why I get called "Evil" on his FB page. Hilarious and sad at the same time.
Aug 26 - 1PM
RenewD
RenewD's picture

Solost

I really think that they hate the mirror image of themselves that they see when they look at us. They don't see your face, your soul, your feelings. They see their face, soul and feelings. So, how they feel about themselves, they take out on us. They can't be ashamed of themselves. So they despise us. Not that we did anything to deserve it. We are only a mirror to them. This is so hard to grasp, I know. It took me a long time to really get it...but once you do, so much of what they have said to us and done to us over the course of time is much easier to come to terms with because you don't take it personally anymore. At least not as much.
Sep 13 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
Alive
Alive's picture

mirror's

Thankyou so much for sharing this. I don't want to admit this but im crying.....:( Not only for feeling sad but also for making me understand once again about what is going on in my life at the moment with the eXN. He hates me and he is so angry with me. I have been NC for months now. He is showing his anger through my children, their schools and his stupid, controlling texts. What he raged about 2 months ago and over the phone to my child last week shows/tells me what all this rage and hatred is about.I will share soon im terrified that he will find this forum.Is that paranoid or what?.Once again thankyou
Aug 26 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
solost
solost's picture

hmmm

that's an interesting way to look at it. Never thought of it that way. A guy that I work with told me that it's cuz he knows he did wrong to me but is too immature to admit it or apologize for it. But he doesn't know about the Narcissism part of it cuz I didn't feel like explaining it so... But is this also why he refuses to contact me like so many other N's contact their ex's? Not that I want him to. God knows I don't cuz I know what that would do to me. It's so weird cuz on one hand I want him to come back soooo bad but on the other I know it can NEVER be again. And that hurts to.
Aug 26 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

mirror

My ex N even told me many times that we even physically looked like each other,the cheek bones,eyes,mouth ,face shape...he said i was in him as he was in me...like 2 parsites taking nothing and leaving everything so we could see ourself in each other the next day.....it is an extract of a poem he wrote for me ....i didn't understood then now is clear as water...

Aceonelady

Aug 28 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Seeing double

That would explain why the ex-Psych professor liked it when I dressed in a tomboyish way, like beaten-up jeans, etc, but couldn't stand it when I wore a dress (and this wasn't even a case of the Madonna/whore complex) It's like he couldn't see himself in me when I was feminine. His girlfriend/future wife was an extremely masculine woman, and the couple didn't look so much like lovers (they didn't act like lovers) but like fraternal twins. I was brunette, short, like him. My friends thought he was trying to mold me to be like him... to become a bitter, pessismistic narcissist like him. He did try to do that-and he was open about that. After all, he was the teacher and I was the student. It took me awhile... but I did get my joie de vivre back!
Aug 26 - 1PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

he hates me ...why thats the big question for me too...

Same here....i did everything to be with him...i always stood by him,even long distance..when he got some trouble with the law and was crying in a motel(he had to leave home where he lived with3 kids and ex girlfriend from 18 years)and he wanted to kill himself i was with him on Skype consoling him,talking into him,giving him support and organizing his papers like car payments,bank account,birth certificate,looking for an apartment for him(i was in Holland he in Tulsa)making phone calls going to google for the apartment,i did what i could to help him,and everything just went fine....he wanted me to go to him,i was beautiful,good caring intelligent,you name it....i told him i will wait a few months because you need sometime to really think about your life,us all what happenned...and he was just happy ,that i was for him....this was in April 2008....in october i went because he wanted so bad to hold me,be together,talk just be with me and look for a new home so we could share our hobbies together(music,poetry ,painting and he wanted to work out with me,cooking etc)it was a dream come true...when i got there he tried having sex with me twiceHe lets say we were always sexual too on the phone,but in person he did ED...i said it wasn't a problem for me...i knew he watched Porn and masturbated some,but he told me he didn't feel good about that and was cutting it back....i never told him to stop....second time we had sex,no foreplay,he ripped the night shirt i was wering told me to get on my hands and knees and to hurry up,otherwise he would't keep it up....and in 4 minutes it was over.....and then he said that he was glad he could finish it ,and that he thought it was going to be like some other times that he lost his erection....1 day later he said he didn,t wanted to be with me because in order to f**k me he had to think about something else,i could't lift him up...this happenned 24 hours after i got to Tulsa from Europe to be with him....he is 43 me 54...now he is NC on me for almost 2 years i tried to keep some contact because i know he really has issues and is alone in the world,has only superficial acquaitences,no contact with family,only his job,gaming porn ...he is underpaid can barely survive after paying child support and the rent and utility bills....and he is delusional he says that someday he will find someone that is truly his friend,and a great ass and goodlooking....he says he wants nothing to do with me,i am an ass hole a loser,an ugly bitch and later he says i am a very good looking woman for my age but not for him....he says he do not hate me but he don't like me....i am less then a human being,if he was an animal he would bite me,that is what he told me,and this is tearing me apart....he pursuid me not me him.....i lost my friend,but now i know he is truly a psychopat...he told me sometimes i think about killing you and then myself.....my mind is sppinning,is been 2 years of therapy and i still wake up(when i can sleep) the first thing i think is WTF happenned to me?i am afraid i won't get over it....

Aceonelady