Why do I keep second guessing myself?

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#1 Mar 16 - 5PM
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Why do I keep second guessing myself?

Intellectually I know I made the right move by leaving; I had bruises to show for it. But emotionally now that I've been gone for 2 months I start questioning myself, was it really all that bad? There were so fantastic things about being married to him, and we had great times together. Is that with every N?

When I was with him I was angry a lot and felt isolated and neglected. But there were a lot of times I felt close and experienced "intimacy"--times we'd lie on the couch together while he played with my hair and we watched our favorite movie, or the times we sat around playing board games together and eating our favorite take-out, the times we'd take our dogs to the park and laugh and watch them run together, all the sweet "surprise" cards he'd leave for me in the morning. These are the things that are started to make me question myself...my sanity. Did I do the right thing by leaving? I REALLY miss him!!! I have been crying every day for 2 months, snot and all...

May 10 - 2PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

jodie Every action has a

jodie Every action has a re-action. you don't like being alone and you are thinking of the things you liked about him. I feel the same way about lemon meringue pie but I know what it will do to my weight so I don't indulge. take a look at the book Instant Emotional healing by Peter lambrou and George Pratt. It has really helped a lot of people I know who were in a similar place to yours. I was talking to a woman who had been dumped and she sufferd terribly and started making jewelry to keep her mind busy. that was 30 years ago and today she owns a bead shop in Costa rica and her jewelry sells like hotcakes and she gives classes every Saturday. She laughs now and wonders what would have happened to her if the jerk hadn't dumped her. Just wait for the silver lining in your present cloud-it is coming soon.
May 10 - 8PM (Reply to #31)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

change

http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2008/04/psycho-ecology.html http://howtospotadangerousman.blogspot.com/2007/10/why-you-only-remember-good-stuff-of-bad.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Cost-Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 8 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

something for you finallydone

Either buy or go to the library and ask them to get you a book called WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS by Sandra Brown, MA It will explain the trauma bonding and PTSD you are experiencing to you as well as give you some peace of mind about this situation of second guessing yourself and where that comes from. The women here are probably sick of me going on & on about this book but its a MUST READ and will help you a lot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Mar 17 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jodie - do me a favor

read my story: http://lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/16/my-story You will see what my psycho-boy did to me with my friends. Evil, truly evil.
Mar 17 - 3PM
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Thanks for all the

Thanks for all the responses...and yes I should reverse the MONSTER and GOOD; because he definitely WAS a monster. Funny thing is, I never used that term: Monster. He did. So inside he must feel that is what he really is. Lisa, thanks for the insight...it's just so hard right now because I am in the thresholds of all this pain and he is totally unfazed. He even said, "I'm not going to let this mess MY life up, I have to go to the gym, etc." It's amazing. I am his WIFE!!! He couldn't care less...the only thing he is pissed about is that I left him with all the bills. I didn't have a choice because I had to get my own place. He is furious with me that I am making him file taxes separately, he said if he could take my tax money then he would be able to get by the next few months. He said that I am living high on the hog in some apartment. Meanwhile, he still has NO CLUE where I live and it's been two months. I wake up daily and my routine starts with thinking about him, after a long night of dreaming about him, then I come to this website to talk more about him, etc. etc. I just want to get this person OUT OF MY HEAD! I'm in therapy, in a support group, and talk to my friends until my face is blue...and I don't feel like I'm getting on quick enough with my life. I should be closer to being healed by now, but I'm not. Some days feel WORSE than the day I actually left him. I'm still very, very hurt and confused....did you become CONSUMED with thinking about him with another girl, taking her to dinner, being excited to see her...and God forbid sleep with her? That pain is unbearable. How long will this last?

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Mar 18 - 12AM (Reply to #27)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Master manipulators

Oh, they definitely try to make you feel as though they understand you like no one else has or ever will. This is their way of making you dependent on them. Then they try to convince you that you have problems and issues only they can handle. Jodie - I'm not surpirsed he said: "I'm not going to let this mess my life up, I have to go to the gym," but I just have to repeat it here because it is so unbelievably ludicrous, yet so typical of a narcissist. They are crazy! It does take time to heal from a narcissist. It is natural to obsess about it right now. Of course, you're going to obsess about it. Don't beat yourself up about that. Go easy on yourself and get your feelings out by journaling, talking to loved ones and writing on this board. We are here for you and you can get through this, but it is going to take time. Be patient with yourself. Best, Lisa
Mar 18 - 4PM (Reply to #26)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Sorry to say

About the 18 month mark I started to feel some relief It was 3 years for me. Remember these are not NORMAL people or NORMAL breakups. The mind control, luring & seduction they have done to us change our brains. It's literally like we need to psychologically "vomit" them out. It will take significantly more time. Have you tried EMDR or hypnosis? Both helped me a lot too. Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 17 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

I agree Jodie!!

I havent left mine yet....but I feel the exact same way as you Jodie. I am totally consumed by thoughts of him and so scared of being abandoned by him. I wait to hear from him everyday, and when he talks....I listen and provide feedback to some of the most immature shit I have ever heard!!!! When I hang up, I roll my eyes. But I need to hear from him, or I feel weird.
May 8 - 10PM (Reply to #25)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

I totally understand

This sounds JUST like me. I am breaking up with him and in fact today, in one of my MANY MANY books on narcissists, emotional blackmail, you name it I've got it books... I found a list of things I wrote about a year ago of all the things he has done. I got to 57 really rotten ones before I got distracted I guess. I don't remember writing this list specifically, but I did date it and put a time of 4:15 a.m. on it. One of my many sleepless nights after some fight that I could never ever remember the specifics of.... you guys probably know that kind of fight. Anyway, that's what helps me right now. I read this list, or I listen to the one argument I got on tape on my Blackberry and I listen to it everytime I feel weak. But with the phone calls you mention, I still have that problem. I don't really want to talk to him... but I feel "weird" if I don't hear from him. I carry the phone around with me and check it all the time. Could be habit beget of brainwashing. Generally speaking, if I missed his calls there would be interrogation or suspicion or just that passive aggressive "oh gosh I forgot why i called you it's been so long since I called" (usually the most time passed would be 30 minutes. Even tonight.... I know he was headed to Peoria Illinois for a show... and he tried to call me at 5:45. I missed the call, but felt anxious about it (again is it habit or brainwashing?) and I finally did return the call at 6:30. He didn't answer so I left a casual message saying, "Hey, looks like you tried to call. Just returning your call." But he never called back... so my mind does the following: 1. Shit he's probably pissed off because I didn't answer when he called; 2. Why isn't he calling back? Is he mad, busy, hurt, didn't get the message, etc. etc. ad nauseum 3. Irritation finally sets in at being ignored. And now... don't care. Got mad at myself for feeling all this stuff even though I know that's exactly the problem. His concern with only himself, his mindgames, his indifference.... this is what he always does. I get so damn mad at myself for feeling consumed by thoughts of him and knowing that's exactly what he wants. Normal people don't treat other people like this. I want him gone and have been far more emotionally removed... but it's still there... like a cancer in remission, but not quite. I'm probably writing way too much!
Mar 17 - 10PM (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Therapy

so scared of being abandoned by him. Get counseling - get a relationship coach do whatever it takes to break your addiction to this TOXIC MAN. Please! Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 17 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Whatever

My husband was the most immature man I have ever met in my life, so I know about rolling your eyes after you have a "conversation' with him. It's half retarded. I'm not going to lie, leaving is NOT easy...but you MUST do it for your emotional well being, you must. I have hard days every day, I still cry and I still question myself but I know deep down in my gut (that little thing called a conscience that God gave us) I did the right thing. Yes I need constant reassurance, that is why I come to this board...but I have hope. I have competely lost my self. My esteem, dignity and health was on the verge of serious destruction. We had amazing times together and I love this man with all my heart but I HAD to leave to salvage my sanity. There's simply no other way around it. You have to leave.

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Mar 17 - 9PM (Reply to #23)
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

leaving

I understand your pain, all of you. BTW, Grossot, how are You holding up??? Keep us posted.... Back to topic: My therapist said something to me that really made me take a look at myself. It was: "So you wanted a way out and you found a way out." Let me explain. This was at my own personal disaster and expense. I don't mean to make excuses for my own behavior because there are none. Just let me tell you my little bit and perhaps it will be helpful to someone else. I started drinking too much... I couldn't bear the thought of him coming home without having a couple of "belts" under my belt. Maybe it can be easier if I can get myself more relaxed and more "congenial" so I can at least smile during dinner.... Well, of course, this backfired on me. Now he had a real reason to disrespect me and blame me for the marital collapse. Oh, believe me, I'm sure it would have happened anyway, but, as my therapist was pointing out, I hastened it by doing something that would make Him reject Me. I didn't have the strength to leave on my own. Never. So I behaved in such a way that made him leave me, not recognizing consciously what I was doing and how I was destroying myself in the process. Frankly, I didn't give a shit about myself at that point and only wanted to numb the horrible feelings I was experiencing. I guess I did know that he wouldn't like it, but didn't care about that either. Maybe I WAS trying to leave, but actually needed him to be the one to do it. I don't know for sure. I eventually went into CD treatment after we had separated, but though it was helpful for me (most important) it didn't make one iota of difference to him. Enough said. I lost everything and I was self-destructive and still can be, but I try and try not to be. I hope this can help anyone else see that it's not worth it to hurt yourself because of him. Get out as healthfully as you can even though it is hard as hell. Self-destructive behaviors only make us feel worse about ourselves and give them more "evidence" that we are the crazies. I have fallen into this hole too many times to count and I can assure you, it only makes it all so much more worse. Keep your dignity if you can, take the high road if you can,, be strong and don't give them more ammunition to hurt you and blame you. CM
Mar 17 - 5PM (Reply to #21)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

whatever

Why are you still taking his calls? Why are you ALLOWING him to take your time and space in your head? NO MORE. Let voicemail take it & ERASE WITHOUT LISTENING. These guys are great at planting toxic verbal bombs in your brain. Stop!
Mar 16 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Normal

It takes a lot more time to heal from these narc vampires than "normal breakups" - maybe because of all the luring, bonding and mind control they do to us. What you are feeling is very normal. It will take time, unfortunately - and you may want to consider short term counseling. You will see in a few weeks the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) start to clear. Journal, as Lisa says - and make a list of his good qualities on one side and bad ones on the other. Stick it where you can see it. Read it every day. I also read a book called EMOTIONAL RAPE SYNDROME by Dr. Mike Fox. It validated my whole experience. Read all you can on Ns. You did the right thing - we are all behind you. This will take time and what you are feeling is normal but DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!! Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 16 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

Jodie there are men who can

Jodie there are men who can play board games and eat take out and not leave you covered in bruises. I know how badly you miss him...I used to feel that way. I've only recently "woken up" to what he is and it makes me so sick I don't miss him anymore. I am removing all the triggers in my home. He gave me a beautiful pendant and I plan to sell it. It used to be my talisman, vomit. I want to ask his new woman if he's given her jewelry yet.
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Better off

I love your board name by the way, very fitting :) Funny you mention about the jewelry, he used to leave me Tiffany necklaces in hidden places....I'm sure he's already doing that for his new victim. Hell, I don't even know if he's moved on to another one but considering Narcissists I'm sure he has. He has no intention of working things out with me because, "I'm a bad wife and even though we said vows before God I gave up on the marriage and abandoned him." Now I'm considering moving 3,000 miles away just to get him out of my head...

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #16)
better off
better off's picture

To make it more creepy, he

To make it more creepy, he was worried about giving me the jewelry because he was so worried that my H would catch on. I'm like, give me a break, I could pierce my lip and he wouldn't notice. I could have tattooed N's name on my ass and I'm not sure that would have made an impression. Anyway, he made this point about how where he was from, jewelry was like a mark of ownership. He did not use that word, I can't remember what he said...but it was the same idea. Ick. I had a hard time accepting that my N had really moved on to someone else and not just back to his wife...but not only did he move on, it was with someone I know, kind of. HE IS SLIME!!!
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

creepy is right

Yeah, my last psychopath tried to work over THREE of my friends. And was almost successful with one! Of course, here I was trying to keep him happy AND telling him to work on his marriage and be nicer to his wife. Oh lord I should post the link to the TWISTED VERSION of what really happened he stuck on his blog a couple years ago. Knowing the truth its just laughable. My ex-NH could have cared less about me too. He was just p*ssed about losing control and that I no longer cared about him, sex, the marriage or anything but the kids. He did this to me with his own cold behavior and my therapist said HE left me vulnerable to psycho-boy with the way he treated me. Doesn't it feel like they reach down your throat and yank your soul out at the root? Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 17 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Barbara

Before my N and I were married he tried to sleep with one of my closest friends (big red flag!!). I suspected something weird that night because he kept whispering in her ear and putting his arm on her waist. When I broke up with him about a year later, she came to me and told me what he was saying to her, "Come on, just come back to my house, I'd love to throw you around. I'll follow you in your car. Jodie will never know." Well she didn't tell me until AFTER we broke up because she said he would have manipulated/lied and twisted the story up and I would have eventually believed him. When I finally did confront him about that night he said, "Whatever! She's a whore! I'll spit on her. I never said that."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Mar 16 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

That's what sucks...

You think he's your best friend...! But when I was away from it, I realized a lot of the 'fun' was created by me in order to keep him happy and distract him from the possibility of getting upset about anything. There were many times I thought "phew, he's in a good mood". You naturally want to please them as their 'trained' supplier, not because it makes you truly happy, but because it keeps the peace. Toward the end I wouldn't argue about anything no matter how I felt, and totally catered to him. Amazing what insight you gain after the fact.
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
better off
better off's picture

I wish I could remember

I wish I could remember where I read this particular quote...but since they are simply mirroring us, since they are EMPTY...this source said something about...the fun is as fun as you are, the good times are as good as you are, the sex is a good as you are, the intimacy is as good as you are, etc... So I got to thinking...man, *I* am fun, great at sex AND intimacy. Lucky ME!! lol He's got nothin.' ;)
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Thanks quietude...my head is

Thanks quietude...my head is still spinning about all that I did wrong and how I must have messed this marriage up because he was such a "sweet boy." He told me the day I left, "You make me out to be some MONSTER but I'm a GOOD person!!!"

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Mar 17 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's interesting how much N's have in common....

They use similar lines and tactics to varying degrees, but esentially, it's all the same. After our break up, mine wrote to me, "you'll never find anyone who loves you as much or does as much for you", and he wanted me to think of the "good" him! (and I guess ignore the "bad" him??) I ignored my instincts sooo many times, and I knew I was at the time, but there's that never-ending optimism that things will change. But in my heart, I knew they never would. Oh, and about keeping a journal, this is sooo helpful, but I'm too lazy to write it down, so I type it all..lol. I know this sounds odd, but it's helped - I have cut and pasted some of his more ridiculous e-mails to me, and then I typed in a different color below his comments what I really WANTED to say at the time. I got to 'chew him out' in my own way without the terrible confrontation. I know it doesn't teach him anything (cuz that wouldn't happen anyway), but it's been pretty liberating for me.
Mar 17 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

love this!

I have *so* many emails because he was on deployment... and I've been re-reading them and getting annoyed. I really like the idea of putting in new responses instead of the responses I was giving him when I thought he was returning my love... instead of just looking for my support while he was sleeping with other people. The one thing is... what he said to me was "I will never find anyone as perfect for me as you have been" and he acknowledged that I deserved better in life than he could gave me. This was BEFORE he said that he was in love with someone else and so was cutting off all contact. I totally didn't get what he was talking about and thought he was just so stressed out (poor boy). I'm grateful that the cruelty I got from him (and it was there) was more limited than what others had to deal with. I lucked out. Someone else came out of nowhere and took my problem away from me.
Mar 17 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

for once he spoke truth

This was BEFORE he said that he was in love with someone else and so was cutting off all contact. He was right - he's in love with HIMSELF! Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 17 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

Just curious??

do N's try and make you jealous unpurpose? My N called me, talking nonsense about his friends and some girls etc....I coped an attitude and as soon as I did, he said he had to go and would call me back. Why when you challenge there statements do they run away? They are suppose to be so confident?
Mar 17 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

jealous

Yes of course they love to make you jealous. Makes them feel important. You DON'T CHALLENGE them. They are sick and will never ever see how sick they really are. Best way to deal is to LEAVE and cut off all contact. Block all emails, IM, change YOUR email and don't respond to him at all.
Mar 17 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

quote

He told me the day I left, "You make me out to be some MONSTER but I'm a GOOD person!!!" Remember - Ns like to SAY things to twist reality. This quote is a PERFECT example. It's from Planet N where everything is BACKWARDS
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Elena
Elena's picture

Head Spinning

Jodie, My narcissist made me feel it was all my fault, and my head and heart was spinning for months, I was drowning in guilt for the mistakes I made in the marriage. I have now reached a point where I understand that he did alot of evil things that I did not deserve. So finally I came out of the guilt pit. Most of the time, I reacted in anger to his evil, to his lies and cruel behaviors. And even when I was not perfect, I must accept the fact that I am an imperfect human, and so are you. Forgive yourself of any mistakes you have made, if God forgives us, who are we to not forgive ourselves. By the way, there isn't a marriage that is perfect, someone told me a couple of weeks ago something that is very true, a marriage is two people coming together with their failures and strengths to make a marriage work, and it takes two to Tango. In the narcissists' world - only you are responsible for making it work.
Mar 16 - 9PM (Reply to #5)
better off
better off's picture

Just reverse that and you

Just reverse that and you have the truth. Just like everything else about them. He makes himself out to be a GOOD person, and he's a MONSTER.