Why Do I.....

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#1 Sep 1 - 10PM
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

Why Do I.....

Allow me to post this here. I have had one of those days, and this will help.

Why Do I Grieve:

- I grieve for the loss of the dream and the hope of "happily ever after."

- I grieve for the dynamic, life loving, passionate, honest and funny person that entered this relationship.

- I grieve for the scared, pain stricken, distraught and hurt person that left this relationship.

- I grieve for the person I fell in love with.

- I grieve for the person I fell out of love with.

- I grieve for the nameless and silent emotional war that I had raging inside of myself while I was in this relationship.

- I grieve for the loss of self-esteem, self-worth and confidence.

- I grieve for the energy that was spent to make "it" work.

- I grieve for the energy that was spent questioning my emotions and feelings, as if they were wrong.

- I grieve for the constant conflict.

- I grieve for the nights in bed alone crying, knowing that this was not the relationship for me, or one that I deserved.

- I grieve for person lying in bed alone crying not believing he had the strength to move on confidently.

- I grieve for the amount of time I had given to him in my thoughts, in my dreams and in my nightmares once it was over.

- I grieve for the person that gave 100% of his heart and soul to someone who deserved 0%.

- I grieve for the fear of tonight alone.

- I grieve for tomorrow alone.

- I grieve for the uncertainty of my future.

What do I celebrate:

- I celebrate knowing that my "happily ever after" is out there with someone that God is waiting to deliver to me.

- I celebrate the dynamic, life loving, passionate, honest and funny person that is once again emerging.

- I celebrate the strong, confident, healthy and positive person that is awakening within me.

- I celebrate the person who is capable of falling in love, and truly experience it's joy.

- I celebrate knowing that I was brought to and through this experience so that I may know what I will and will not tolerate any longer.

- I celebrate the calm, peaceful and serene nature that is my life alone - without the trauma of constant conflict.

- I celebrate discovering a stronger sense of self-esteem, self-confidence and strength that I never knew I possessed.

- I celebrate the nights that I lay in bed peaceful and free.

- I celebrate the person who finally was strong enough to say "enough" and question your true self.

- I celebrate not having you in my thoughts, dreams and nightmares.

- I celebrate the person who can give 100% of his heart and soul and has the capacity to truly love.

- I celebrate tonight alone, knowing that nothing and no one can take this precious peace of mind from me.

- I celebrate tomorrow because it provides me another day to grow, understand and build character within myself.

- I celebrate the certainty of my future knowing that I will be delivered to great things that I will have the full capacity to receive them.

- I celebrate the unfortunate time that I spent in your horror, for it has developed a person that will rise from the ashes of your burnt soul, only to drive you mad.

- I celebrate knowing that I am not around to witness your madness any longer.

- I celebrate knowing that what you so deliberately tried to destroy in me will only grow stronger, while you will only grow weaker in your tireless search for your "ideal" love that you have no idea how to nurture.

- I CELEBRATE!

Sep 2 - 8PM
helldweller
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Brad

This sums up the whole damn thing. Thank you.
Sep 2 - 2PM
Mariline
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Thank you Brad. Really thank

Thank you Brad. Really thank you. I join to your grief and to your celebration. And I really agree that the Ns choose really the best. They are unable to keep it....it's their loss. (((Hugs)))
Sep 2 - 12PM
tigger73
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I just reread this again and

I just reread this again and I swear it is sooo healing. So wonderfully written and honest and raw.
Sep 2 - 10AM
Playedwithfire
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LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!! Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Sep 2 - 10AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Wonderful

You put into words so well what the grieving is about when it comes to N relationships, and I love that you followed it with what you celebrate. Love this :)
Sep 2 - 8AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I am speechless Brad!!!

I am speechless Brad!!! Utterly speechless. You have an amazing talent. I dont know if you have written before or if you tapped into this talent through your experience but what ever it is DONT stop. I is a wonderful gift you possess. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 2 - 10AM (Reply to #19)
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

Betty

I have never been one to journal, but this experience has brought me there. I read "the importance of journaling" on this site and started to capture my thoughts on paper. Yesterday, as you may remember I was influx about several circumstances and I had to take a minute and really examine where those thoughts were coming from, and last night when I got home it just started to flow out of me - and the result was the post above. Betty - you have been a rock for me the last several weeks, and I can never express my appreciation to you and this group enough. I would still be walking around in a fog if I had not stumbled across this forum!!

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 1 - 11PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

WOW!!! A big giant WOW!!!

Brad, This is incredibly beautiful, insightful, I'm speechless. Well put, great writing. I could so relate to everything you wrote. I was just listening to old Rod Stewart songs and he always said that he did his best song writing while in the throws of a painful relationship break up. One of my biggest recovery tools is to turn the music up nice and loud and dance and workout to various dance music. Sooooo..... healing for me. Plus it gets me in shape. I use weights while I'm dancing and sing aloud to the songs I know. I feel the need to grow stronger on all levels including my body. This whole Narc thing, I believe ultimately will make us better people as we work our way through the pain and truly get to know our own selves better for a change. Put our selves first for a change. I'm turning into a little Junior Narc, and I love it. LOL Brad, thank you so much for sharing that with all of us. I understand that it took much heartache to write such an incredible piece. Another thing to be grateful for: that your writing is so beautiful and insightful. This type of heartful expression will help many people out there who are still suffering. God bless, Goldie
Sep 2 - 8PM (Reply to #17)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Rod Stewart

Love his music. I love "Broken Arrow" especially. I listen to it a lot. I used to play his music for the narc and he used to get tears in his eyes during his cover of "Waltzing Mathilda." He said they used to sing it in kindergarten. What could be more sad?
Sep 2 - 7AM (Reply to #16)
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

Thanks for the kind words

Thanks for the kind words Goldie.

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 1 - 10PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Only to drive you mad"

"I celebrate the unfortunate time I spent in your horror, for it has developed a person that will rise from the ashes of your burnt soul, only to drive you mad"-This has particular resonance. The ex-Psych professor always feared going mad. He once commented jokingly (in a monotone) during class, "I'm a wild and crazy guy." He said that he would NEVER go to Turin because that's where Nietzsche fell into syphilitic schizophrenia, and spent the rest of his life in an insane asylum. The ex-P himself had spent time in mental institutions due to his cold lack of emotions. I'm still coping with the rage I long repressed, so I find the thought of driving the ex-P out of his mind sounds delicious. I wonder if the local mental hospital gives bonuses for referrals? Since I work in a hospital, I'd gladly, with my smile (since my happiness aggravated him) show him to his padded cell and a straitjacket fitted for him....
Sep 1 - 10PM
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

This is beautiful!

This is truly beautiful! Tomorrow, and every day after, will be full of celebration and truth! I, too, grieve for the "dream." I made the huge mistake of connecting my "dream" to someone else. September was supposed to be "my" month -- vacationing for a month near his new town so I could find myself after my last leaves for college. But, on July 22nd, everything changed and I see who he really is. From this point forward, I need to concentrate on my needs and try to move forward.
Sep 1 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

Today was a day that I had

Today was a day that I had to stop and do a lot of soul searching, and these were the truths that I was feeling, and jsut need to get it out. Thank you for the kind words and it is my hope that everyone can find their truth as well.

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #13)
TraumaMama
TraumaMama's picture

Thank you Brad

I really needed your beautiful post tonight. Today is a day when, almost 7 months after D&D by the most recent narc, I was overcome with all of the grief again. I thought it was gone and there I was crying and hurting all over. It seemed to come out of nowhere. I am grieving that someone had the audacity to treat me with such cruelty the week I found out that my mother has aggressive, metastatic cancer. I was raged at for over an hour, emotionally blackmailed, threatened, bullied, devalued, eaten alive...typical narcissistic style treatment. I felt like I had gone swimming with the sharks and each one took a bite out of me. I loved this man. I took care of his children. He turned on me so quickly. No one hugged me or said they were sorry my mom had cancer. Nothing. I was kicked when I was down and then I was mocked for being depressed and physically ill. There is so much grief over that but there is so much to celebrate. My blessings are endless. I have the most beautiful children in the world and a great big family who loves me. A great education and a wonderful career. I have so much to offer a person who is able to love and give back me. There is much to celebrate!
Sep 1 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Lovely Brad. I wanted to

Lovely Brad. I wanted to ask if you wrote it. Well done.

Nevergoback

Sep 1 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

NancyM

I did write it, and once I started it just flowed out of me. I was writing in my journal a lot today about what I was feeling and decided to type it out here.

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 1 - 10PM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

i grieve

losing my self esteem ,my pleasure in listening to music...mostly when i do i end up crying....the ability to just laugh ,concentrate to read a book,watch tv to listen to others,to go out,feeling ashamed,ugly,inferior,jealous when i see women that looks the way he felt sexually attracted to...when somebody say something nice about my looks,i feel sad and think why HE do not feel about me like strangers do?Why HIM that is/was the one i really love cannot appreciate me and treat me/see me as a human being? i grieve the realisation that i was nothing to him...He told me that many times,but when i told him i felt i never meant anything to him,he was very angry and screamed....HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?YOU don't know how i feel'...it was a year after D&D...

Aceonelady

Sep 1 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
OriginalMe
OriginalMe's picture

Aceonelady

I have followed your posts and I can not help but feel that by continually interacting with him you are constantly setting your self up for hurt and disappointment. I think you should block him from everything and begin to move forward. I am not saying that I am going through this perfect process, but I would never deliberately put myself in any interaction with him because of what I know will be the result. I do see him every week, but in no way is he acknowledged by me. I wish you peace and strength to let go and begin to truly heal! All the best to you!

"Be who you are, and say what you feel; for those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

thanks Brad2723

Yes,you are right and i really do know now he is disordered and will always be.HUGHS

Aceonelady

Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

I grieve for the fact that I

I grieve for the fact that I now have 3 high risk strains of HPV and have to have pap smears every 3 mths. because he slept with over 100 women before me. I grieve for the fact that I was so stupid that I accepted someone like that into my young life. I grieve for the time wasted after my last baby was born planning and building our dream home and 6 wks later an escort service calls me in the middle of the night. Remember everyone......you gotta pay the hooker. Duh. I grieve for the time and money wasted on that stupid house. I grieve for the loss of 11 years not being able to enjoy my family because I was always upset. I grieve for sobriety, because this asshole ALMOST turned me into an alcholic. I grieve for my children, because they will never ever have a healthy or present father, but thats ok because I have always done the work for both of us. He's too busy now playing in his volleyball leagues, screwing his new girlfriend in my new home, and boating on the weekends. What a freakin loser. If I started grieving, I don't know if I could ever stop.
Sep 1 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

Tigger73

I am sorry for what he has done to you! Celebrate that he DIDN'T turn you into an alcoholic. Celebrate that you have the strength of character to be BOTH a mother and father to your children. I, too, have been both parents to my children and my H is a non-N -- there are just so many men who are emotionally unavailable. My non-N H simply has no emotions and no ability to show love. Celebrate your strength!!!
Sep 3 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

Jewwell

Hi Jewwell I mis read the above post thinking that it was someone else who used the non-N word. I would like to know more information as to how you come to the conclusion? I'm just wondering because my STBAXH falls only into some of the characterists. Is there a way for us to corrospond? Thanks, Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Sep 2 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

hi Tigger73

Hi Tigger73 I see that you write non-N, how do you differenciate that from the stories we read? I see some patters of my STBAEX but then there are some trates that dont fit his character. Mine was emotional, verbal with physical that came later after 17years. I would like to compare life experiences with you, how do we have access to chat? Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire

Sep 3 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

to Brad from on with my life

that was an amazing piece of work you wrote on this site, I want to copy it to remind myself what my EN lost when he let me go