Where do I go from here?

i understand. if you read my story, it is the appitomy of 'pathetic', but in the end, they are the ones who are pathetic. i will read your post from yesterday.... my story is posted under kiwi11 it will get easier. just stick with this board these women will help you out BIG TIME.

When you do that, he wins. He wants you to take the blame, he wants you to get down on yourself because in his world, everyone else IS to blame whether he states that out loud or doesn't. You need to remember that what these men lack is EMPATHY. They can't put themselves in another person's shoes, they can't truly relate or love someone else because they are only seeing things from their own perspective. So the ugly, ugly truth is, everyone in their life is replaceable. A person is only as good as the Supply they offer. But what is even more ugly is that once they know they have you, your supply isn't as valuable to them. They are constantly seeking new supply, because new supply feels like a victory. Which explains why they will go out of their way to be Prince Charming in the beginning. They are working to earn your NS (because to them, there is no NS that isn't EARNED). They will shine a spotlight on you so bright, put you up on such a high pedastal because that is how they get the NS they need. It's extremely over the top, but that is how they hook us. Then, when that spotlight starts to fade, when the pedastal begins to crumble, they use our insecurities and our innate desire to get things back on track, to convince us that WE were the ones to blame. It's a sick, sick, sick game that only the N knows the rules to. It also explains why you find many Ns have a wife or girlfriend and some others "on the side". Their need for NS is unquenchable. It sucks to be targeted, it sucks to go through all the drama and reach the other side with NO CLOSURE from the N (making their exs sad and miserable and angry is NS to them as well). It sucks that they move on so quickly while we end up on boards like this one trying to process all that happened. They are sick men, driven by a constant need for NS. I would never in a million years trade positions, I don't care how shiny the wrapping, there is no soul within. The best thing you can do for yourself is delete everything! Don't go looking for trouble by going into his email, block him on facebook, delete his pictures, delete his emails, delete his messages. Believe me, the best revenge is to have NOTHING to do with these guys. Find your hapiness. HUGS.

Getting your self respect back is very important!! Keep your own word to yourself. When you make an agreement, keep it. Don't make agreements you aren't sure you'll keep. Treat yourself like you matter. What you think and what you feel are few percentage points more important that what other people think and feel. Think about this for a moment. You are inside your body living YOUR life. No one else's. Makes sense you ought to give yourSELF just a bit more credit, eh? The trouble with Narcs isn't that they give a few too many percentage points to themselves. They give them ALL to themselves and none to others. Don't disappoint yourself again. Pretend you are your own best girlfriend. Would you go out and dissapoint your good friend, causing her pain and suffering? Not deliberately. Now you know what HAPPENS when you indulge in reacting to the exNarc, you just don't DO that to yourself ever again. In spite of the trauma bonding and post Narc relationship sickness clinging to you. You just treat yourself like you MATTER to yourself :) Another good trick I was told way back in those early days is to "Act as if". Hold your head up at work. If it helps you conceptualize it, pull a big fat NARC on your Narc. THEY get to pretend nothing happened all the time. Now, it's YOUR turn :D Act as if NOTHING happened. As if what DID happen was so unimportant that you already forgot about it :D Inside, you will be feeling what you feel. But on the outside? Act as if. It is a psychological principle that thought and feeling follow BEHAVIOR just as much as behavior follows thought and feeling. You act like everything is just FINE and he is beneath your notice? You will start to FEEL IT. I promise you that. It will take practice, just like anything else. It will feel funky for a while and then you'll hit your stride. So there's some "internal" work for you and some "external" work. The main thing you need (that both of these "exercises" will give you) is space and time and NO CONTACT with him. I promise you'll have your self respect back in spades, more than you had before :)

I just want to give you a big ((((HUG)))) and tell you how special you are. He is the one with no dignity or class. You were acting like anyone would act if they were betrayed. You were expressing the CORRECT emotions at the correct time. HE BETRAYED YOU!! That's what Narcs do. You never lost any dignity. He is classless, souless, heartless, and less everything. So please don't be hard on yourself or say those things. He betrayed you. And you were hurt. And so you reacted. You reacted in a way anyone would if they were hurt and betrayed. Good for you!! I lift my glass up and toast to you!! You are a loving, caring and trusting person. He is a schmuck!! Go for a long walk today and look at everything beautiful around you. And say hello to your new and happy world without the schmuck!! LOVE YOU!! xoxo ACgirl

We have all gone through this to some extent...we have all felt the way you have. All I used to do is sleep. My poor kids had a depressed mama. I was with my husband for ten plus years. It was a horrible relationship. He had several affairs. He got the OW, that he is on and off with, pregnant with twins. They got married while we still were married. The OW would post family pictures of them on her FB page. IT KILLED ME! He didnt even inquire of our six and two year old boys whose lives he had been in. What killed me too was that he chose her over me. I didn't understand...what was wrong with me and our kids? I would make contact, investigate, inquire, ask, beg, look like a fool, all for the sake of answers. Now, as victims of Narcs-we must realize that it isn't us. It's not that we aren't good enough for them. We just are too strong for them, as Briseis has said before. They go after the easiest, most convenient source of supply. It isn't personal. They come back to us, when all the easiest sources dry up. We expect them to change, to tow the line, to do right. But that is something they cannot do, only make empty promises about doing. Changing takes work and being unselfish...two things that Narcs don't do and aren't. We want more for ourselves and our children. We want happiness and to be treated well. For two long we all have been tricked and manipulated into thinking that some day they will or if we hold out long enough, the "diamond in the rough" will shine through in our Narcs. The only way for us to get self respect back is to stay strong and stay NC. How happy our lives could be if we could rise up above the madness and disfunction. When we stay in contact, we are all mixed up in that garbage. Just stay on the forum for support you need, stay NC, and read up to educate yourself on all things Narc. Knowledge definately is power in our cases.

I say, sleep as much as you can, if it is possible to do so, if you have the time, cause you have all the knowledge, and the pain is so unbearable, that you get tired, so your brain has a break and can work on it while you sleep. After some days, you might feel a little bit better, just throufg sleeping, just dont get stuck there for too long. Or it will become hard to break the pattern again.

Like, everyone has already said, you need to do this for you. F*** him. Remove him from the equation. Much easier said than done, but he DOES NOT matter. You will eventually come to realize this, but it takes A LOT of time and A LOT of education on the PD and A LOT of space away from him. Remove him from your life NOW. The biggest thing is that you need to stop beating yourself up over this. There is nothing you did to deserve this treatment. But you need to care enough about yourself to stop it from continuing. You will sleep a lot, that's normal. You will cry a lot, sometimes bawl uncontrollably, sometimes for yourself and sometimes for him. That's normal, too. All of these things will take time and probably a lot of it. It has taken me almost 16mos (12mos NC) to get on top of this experience. I am probably 85% myself again, but a better self than before. The one thing that you can do immediately, though, is to never allow him to do this to you again - EVER!!! F*** him. hugs, really

Neverlookback said it all, you will get yourself and dignity back once you go no contact with the Narc for good and stay that way. It took me close to 2 years to finally go no contact, I broke it many times through letters, trying to get myself closure, after he left me and moved to another state, this was after 15 off and on years with him, trying to make the relationship into something REAL .He used me as a sex and masturbation toy, I remember after we made love one day, that I felt like an object, and this was way before I knew anything about NPD and other personality disorders. We all mean NOTHING to this people, except maybe a toaster, or TV as neverlookback has said before.That is it, so INSTEAD of moaning and beating yourself up endlessly, say to yourself, that is it, I have had it,no more ,the man is out of my life and post it on your fridge and look at it everyday for strength, once you get to a better spot in your head YOU will become stronger and maybe even laugh at the absurdity of these subhumans in the end...

Get your dignity back for YOURSELF, NOT HIM! Do you really care what a mentally disordered person thinks about you? COME ON. I wrote this same post about a year ago also, what you are seeking is some kind of inner closure and it WILL NEVER come from them. Sara you get your dignity back by TOTAL NO CONTACT that is the first step, and your dignity as a human being will come back to you little by little. I can not believe the things I did for this man, OMG, I would have turned myself inside out for him and I almost did. That is their evil agenda to take your dignity, self respect, esteem, and all the endearing qualities you have. As you work thru all the damage that was inflicted on you you will come to realize all the shame you once felt, and the dignity you lost was NEVER for one minute caused by something you did, the only thing you did was STAY so this sick person could further pull you into his sick world. I too had to walk away from someone who only USED me for sex and to further his sexual perversion, mine wanted me to bring others home for us (never did- mine was a REAL sicko) I was nothing but a whore to him in his eyes that is what he tried to convert me into over the course of 4 years. Do you not think I LOST MY DIGNITY ALSO? I wondered why he only saw me this way, an educated woman who came from a great background. He saw me that way because HE IS DISTURBED he is a sexual predator and has many hidden lives and secrets. You are questioning yourself as if this person was NORMAL, step back take a hard look at the source of what you are feeling today, would a kind, loving, honest man do that to someone? Do you want a man that has a girl friend and cheats on her, that should be your number one RED FLAG. GET OUT of his sick game and sick life, detox yourself from him and your dignity will come back QUICKLY. Yes it is going to hurt but not forever just for a little while.

It does matter, it matters a great deal how you feel. But believe me with NC and giving yourself plenty of TLC this feeling will pass, it has for me but takes different amounts of time for everybody. If you bump into him act with dignity now, never to late, and just blank him or be polite but not engaging, don't let him get you into a conversation, walk away and although it will hurt at first you will feel proud after. You are in the heartbreak stage, the twilight zone when you begin to realize what has happened and it is not easy. It's like any loss, you have to go through the stages. This feeling of embarrassment will pass as it did for me. Honestly all the things he said to you about his new girlfriend is the way these guy do things. Narc #2 did much the same to me. Although it feels very personal it's not as they do it to everyone in one way or another. For ages I used to sleep loads and think ever morning "what the hell was I thinking!!!!" I used to cringe. It scared the shit out me that I could be soooo needy for one so NOT worthy and spurred me on to find out about myself and why I let such a major lowlife treat me like this and why I ever wanted him in my life. Then I stumbled on PD's and the experiences have been a major learning curve and a turning point in my life. I'd been with a violent psycho years before and really Narc #2 was no where near frightening as he was but there were major similarities and what he did to me emotionally was frightening ...just goes to show, lots of different ways for these types to get to you. I still think what the hell was I thinking but I have a new found confidence because of my life experiences so that's all good. YOU have to treat YOURself well now, rebuilt yourself, even if it is watching a favourite film or eating your favourite food,do whatever made you happy before the Narc and sleeping is good, it is healing...time to take time out now hun. xoxox

You have the power, you fell for his charm - nothing wrong with that, so long as you learn from it. You've nothing to feel ashamed of though, don't beat yourself up. You're not the first person to believe these narcs and the bs they tell us to lure us back in. Now you know for sure his game, you won't fall for it again right? It does matter and it hurts, no doubt - take back you....there's nothing stopping you going back to work with your head held high, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG in the real world - he is the one who did a bad thing, he has a gf? And yet he's sleeping with you????? The gf can't be that wonderful if he's with you again...he's the disordered one, you're not - go in there and be the strong woman you know you are.....x

I and everyone else here know what you are going through. I have had similar regrets in that I knew something was wrong and yet.... I didn't listen to my gut. First off, the best thing you should do (as you will read here on this site) is to go into immediate No Contact. He will try to contact you again. For absolute sure. And to get your respect back you must not respond. No contact is for you, and not for him. It will help you get your power back. I have made the mistake of going back and it kicked me in the ass so many times. Then don't be so hard on yourself. These sickos are master manipulators. We are trusting and they prey on that. Don't even waste a moment about the new GF supply. He just told you that because he wanted you to suffer. In a matter of time, she will be gone too. This is how they roll. He will dump her for sure and then on to the next. These guys are text book. Go No Contact. You need to get healthy, sleep, eat right and do not let him contact you at all. That is how you get yourself back. I will tell you something a spiritual advisor told me. She said that whenever you think of him and you get angry, say a prayer or affirmation. In that way the negitive energy around you will go away and you will begin to notice how much negitivity is around you. Eventually soon, the bad thoughts will stop. I am still hurting over what happened. But I know that it wasn't my vault. And trying to reason with something that has as much reason capability as my chair is pointless. These Narcs can't reason or see anything. They are empty. Completely empty. We have all been there. You are not alone. xoxo ACgirl

Well first you have to really understand what's wrong with him. Read read read. Then you need to examine what your role was in this. You got involved with a married man whose wife ended up telling you how crazy he was and you didn't believe her. I'm thinkin deep down inside you knew she might be telling the truth but you didn't listen to your gut. You allowed this man to treat you dispicably and you gotta figure out why? Have you had other relationshipd like this? Its not your fault that you were targeted by a sicko its their nature to pick the best of the best they think they are entitled to it but when you allow a man to take you down like this you should examine what's going on with you internally. Read up on some of the subjects I put under suggestions. Yours and exhausted stories are near and dear to my heart with the whole work thing. I lived it and it was horrific to add to it I was quite young. I played the wife/girlfriend part but there were always women in the background lurking.

My heart just broke. After reading this I am even more convinced that we are the same person dealing with the same animal. I love everyone on here. Everyone has helped me so much but sara you hold a special place in my heart. I think we are at the exact same spot right now. I feel lile I don't even have to tell you what I'm going through because I think you're going through it too. Don't ever feel ashamed or stupid for posting your thoughts here. They are my thoughts too. When I help you I feel like you are helping me too. You're awesome!! We are going to get through this together, I promise