when will the obsession go away

…and it still gets to me every single day. The tears have stopped, the crazy fog has lifted considerably, but I feel g=haunted by the notion that (a) I was never loved, (B) I allowed myself to be treated to badly by somebody whom I loved so much and ©he is just getting on with his life without a backwards glance. In reality, these people are deeply, deeply selfish and with a crucial inability to empathise. I keep having to say to myself (and you should too) it was NOT me. It was not. No man worth his salt swears at a woman and then gives her the silent treatment for 3 days until SHE goes to HIM. No real man makes condescending remarks while she is crying in the street and sneers at her when she is wiping away tears. No real, caring person does that. I look back now and I see that my ex was just a selfish, stupid little boy who strangled the life out of what he had, because he never felt truly deserving of it. He wanted what another man had, but then when he had it and he saw I had backbone, he discarded before he had it done to him. It still pains me and makes me raw with anger that I let him do that. It bites that I was such a whimpering, snivelling wreck that I went back and gratefully lapped up his crumbs of attention after 5 months of him sulking and being "too scared" to contact me. I went back after he told me (with a grin) he had thrown away a cherished gift. What sort of person does that? I can tell you. A person who is so overly involved with the immediacy of their own emotions, in the moment, that they have no thought, care or concern for the consequences of their actions and the feelings of others. I want you one minute, I don't the next. You're heavy on earth, now I hate you, go away. There is no consistency, they are almost bipolar. The only thing they want is to know they have ultimate control and that they can click their fingers - and you go back. When you take that control from them and choose not to play any more - that is when the pain really sets in for them and they discard for the last time. I feel anguished by my inability and failure to get him to see what he did. I feel as if I played right into his hands at the end and I even said "I have no regrets. Sorry for ever hurting you." I apologised to HIM when he finally dumped me. Crazy, huh? It makes me sick to the stomach that he has got away with it, that I was in it to get validation out of him, a sincere apology, a true showing of care and concern for me and for what he had done. I needed that so badly. I needed - yes, I admit it - to punish him and make him squirm for the months that he kept me twisting on a line. And he sensed it and what did he do? walked. "I have too many doubts. The same thing could happen (you could dump me again) in 6 months. I'm scared." He bottled it citing "doubts" and that we had lost our spark. After saying staying friends would be too hard. He toyed with me long enough, came back long enough, opened that can of worms just enough….to kick me in the teeth one final time. That BITES and is the most bitter pill I have ever had to swallow. On the one hand I want one last chance to tear him to shreds, but that would be too much for him - he would know I still cared. I know the best thing is total radio silence - it shows strength and courage and that I don't need him. But the anger and rage I feel is at the unfairness of it all. Why did he come back that final time telling me we were "amazing" only to ditch me so soon again? Why didn't he swallow his pride and show some desire to mend the wounds? Why did he not care enough to stay around and heal the wounds? Why did he leave me screaming silently to be heard? It feels like I have never been heard. I know deep down he knows he killed it off. He had a good thing and he killed it off. His dumping me in the end was all he could do to save face because it was inevitable that I would have found the courage to ditch him again. I know this. But nit's this sense of "HOW DARE HE" do this to me and discard me AGAIN, like I am and was nothing to him. After messing in my marriage for nearly 2 years. It makes me boil with anger. I am just waiting for the rage to pass now. Peace to all xxxxxxxxxx

i think we go back because we are seeking some sort of justice. also we want to prove to them that we are good and worthy of love and respect. this is a big draw when someone who loved us stops for no reason. we want them to treat us fairly and acknowledge that we are valuable.i'm not sure why this is so important that we would compromise ourselves just to make this point but i guess it is. the sad thing is, no matter how perfect we are we will always fall off the pedestal again because no one can ever live up to their expectations. they are unrealistic and live in a fantasy land.

Ugh, yes. They only want you to respond so that they can leave you hanging. "Silent treatment" equals the "last word" to a narc. This is the mentality that you're dealing with: someone with the emotional maturity of a two-year-old. Keep remembering that fact and that you deserve infinitely better. You are going to have to reprogram yourself after all the negative programming you received from the narc/loser/psycho. You can do it, it just takes time! Hugs, D.

Welcome and please be reassured... what you are feeling is a completely normal reaction to being narc-ed. It takes awhile to integrate the knowledge about NPD and the emotions we feel from the abuse and brainwashing of being involved with someone who has it. Cog dis is what you are experiencing and it keeps the fog rolling in. Rest yourself and decide to stay No Contact to clear the fog. It WILL clear. Don't worry about others not understanding, they just can't unless they've walked in your shoes. We have and many of us still do, being at a similar place in recovery. Glad you found us, trust yourself and what you KNOW, soon your heart will catch up with your brain to integrate for your healing. (hugs)

I got the silent treatment too...and still do...personally, I enjoy the peace and quiet these days...that's how you'll know you're moving on...takes time and a lot of introspective evaluation/honesty...it's not fun, but it's so worth the results!

Hi VNM, Hunter is right. Stay NC and read, read, read about npd and abusers and their manipulations. I have personally found sam vaknin's videos on youtube a big help. It does get easier with time. Jackguy

You friends won't and can't understand..............it is a co- dependency that they know nothing about. It's best if you never hear from him again, unfortunately, you will more than likely hear from him. NC is the only way at this point. He is giving you the silent treatment. Don't buy into it..........work on you from here on out. Good luck and stay strong!

Obsession is a crzy feeling. Over-thinking stuff that you don't even want. Mental anguish, yuck. Welcome to the site, vnm! You are not alone. We have all been hit squarely by all of the questions and concerns you have. My shit hit the fan early last year. 14 year r/s that included marriage and one child. Today (I'm a man) I am at a coffe joint sitting outside with a bud having a peaceful relaxing day. The world is big again, my life is full, and I don't live in the past anymore. Hope is here, recovery requires learning, sharing, willingness to look at things with a new perspective, and being honest even when you don't want to be. Add your comments all over this site, and get to know us... Welcome and good luck, Ds

2 years? I say this with all the understanding and sympathy in the world... It is not reassurance you need, it's a little kick in the ass. You are going to continue to feel this way for as long as you allow yourself to be a part of this mess. I know it sucks, believe me, I have been there. It is time for you to take your bat and ball and go home. The game is not able to be won. Xoxo