When was the moment of discovery for you

It took me a while to realize my N was actually an N. He went from roses weekly and fancy dinners to the instance that made me really see flags. We were living together at the time. My lease was nearing its end and I thought we would move to a larger place. I found apartment ads left on our bed-- but there was an issue. The only ads circled were in shared "male only" apartments or for studios smaller than my apartment. I confronted him and he said that he wanted a little space... that he had moved in too fast and needed room for him. Why I stayed after this was beyond me in hindsight, but things only got worse. His new place was a half hour drive. One night, he called me wanting to see me. I got there, and he was asleep. His roommate was confused at why I was there! Worse still, he had asked me to pick up dinner on the way! I left his Big Mac under his pillow and left, driving a half hour back home in a confused rage. Yet this still was not what caused our break-up.... It was still the day that showed me that I was far from #1.

My first step to realizing what my xN is was his pathological lying. I remember one day overhearing him tell a friend something. I didn't think twice about it. Until I overheard him telling another person a completely different thing a week or two later. I was able to look it up on the internet as it was a matter of public records. I discovered that neither what he told the first person nor the second person was true....it was something completely different. From that point on I checked out all his confabulations as many were matters of public record or information. Almost all were untrue. As a matter of fact, I couldn't confirm a single one, and there were many. He couldn't even keep track of his lies. Sometimes he would tell me one thing one day then a completely different thing the next. I looked up pathological liar on the interent. That led me to narcissism. Then, after I ended things with him and found a new therapist, she told me he was a pscychopath and I was suffering from PTSD. She helped me to see how he was using flattery, seduction, attention (at least at the beginning but that quickly went away after I was "hooked"), sex and confiding in me to control and manipulate me into being a loyal and devoted "supporter" of his causes, viewpoints and way of doing things, to make his life easier for him and to boost his ego and make him feel important, rich, having high status, etc. So the lying was the first thing that led me on this journey. And it truly has been a journey through hell.

The first time he completely ignored me. For a MONTH. Over a very important issue to me. For a MONTH he just let me stare at the side of his head while he watched TV. He would not even acknowledged the things I was saying about the issue; he just sometimes looked at me. This was (to me) a fairly urgent issue involving our child's safety. A MONTH. He only finally responded when he heard me inform someone over the phone that I was leaving. I really was leaving, and I had TOLD him I was leaving. I mean, come on - why stay? But somehow me telling someone ELSE got his attention! (W T F?) He was suddenly imbued with energy. He jumped up and said "First I've heard of it!" and somehow - this is SO embarrassing - convinced me to stay for Round II. So that was the first DEFINITE proof I had that he was not wired correctly. People don't ignore the concerns of those they claim to love and just click on the news. (Did I mention the issue involved the safety of our child???) The thing that made me think "Narcissist" was actually my cousin asking me if I thought he was one. That reminds me - I want to ask her again what made her think that. I got validation from my therapist, who diagnosed him by proxy (she also knows him - or his persona, that is). I had not mentioned Narcissism, but somewhere along the way (I think it was the first session), she called it.

I was in the idealization phase for about a year and although I noticed his traits, they were not yet directed at me at the time, so I thought being his 'best friend' gave me an exclusive pass to not be affected by his personality (and I did not know what NPD was at that time). We still got along fabulously and I jokingly commented that he had "IPD -Insensitive Personality Disorder". He LOVED it!! He took it even further and 1. gave it a 'definition' "I=insensitive P=personality D=disorder insensitive personality disorder (noun) : a non-inherited disorder in which a person often speaks of s*xual encounters with friends,co-workers, and random people to a significant other (i.e. girlfriend, wife, side piece,etc.). Often using explicit detail and imagination in describing these encounters. (example: A young man is out to diner with his girlfriend and views a mammoth brea$ted woman sitting next to them whom he would like to "tap". He tells his girlfriend he would enjoy trying to squeeze his we1ner between those two "puppies".His girlfriend then b@ngs her head off a wall.)" 2. Gave it its own logo(a man's face staring forward and two womens faces looking towards the man's) 3. Thought he should make a public service announcement for those afflicted with IPD. We joked about it for months. And then, suddenly, I remembered personality disorders from a psyche class I took in college - and wasn't one of them 'narcissistic'? I could use the internet from the place I was employed at the time and googled NPD...holy moly...was I in for a sobering experience!! There really WAS a disordered and itdescribed him 98%!!! I foolishly thought that everyone needs someone and even though they couldn't be cured, and that I was so dynamic and essential to his life that I could somehow 'buck the trend' and would never be a target. Needless to say, here I am on this board, devalued, discarded and objectified, even though I suuported every endeavor and worshipped him like he was something sent from heaven that I was rewarded with. Now he has a new 'The One'..... I get more mad at myself for wearing my heart on my sleeve for him and him slipping under my 'phoney baloney' radar....

I hope, sparky - you hired a lawyer and are getting this jerk's wages garnished to support the children. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims

the psychonarc is definately a psychopath...from '03 on he was taking wild biannual psychotic sprees....every six months...like clockwork.....once while he was gone on one such spree i was sitting at the computer trying to put it all together when i ran across this quote from the mask of sanity. One very interesting aspect of the psychopath is his hidden life that is sometimes not too well hidden. It seems that the psychopath has a regular need to take a vacation into filth and degradation the same way normal people may take a vacation to a resort where they enjoy beautiful surroundings and culture. This strange need of the psychopath - a need that seems to be evidence that acting human is very stressful to the psychopath. i just started crying...the mystery was solved......

Narcissist. My sister mentioned that she thought her boyfriend was a N so I googled the word. My jaws bout dropped to the floor! He has many, if not all the traits! I too wondered why I put up with so much of his crap! Some of the things he did really disgusted me!

by a licensed clinical psychologist who tried up treat him for close to 100 hours.

I finally learned what it was that had me feeling "addicted" to him even if I was turned off and disgusted by his actions. After searching terms like "addicted to boyfriend," etc, I started to come across the term, narcissist. Then, I landed on a forum page on oprah.com and there it was, someone had posted a description of a narcissist and it matched my ex nearly completely. I was stunned and ecstatic to finally have the answer, the missing piece. Unfortunately, instead of cutting ties then and there, I shared my new found knowledge with him, of all people. Big mistake!

by a therapist that he saw when I caught him cybering and was ready to leave him. He told me the therapist said he "scored high on N and schizoid tendencies".He didn't stay in treatment for long,which is SOP for N's from what I've read.

I knew it after I broke up with him and a friend of his said, "he's a narcissistic jerk!". So I looked it up and the pieces have slowly, slowly started coming together.

from about the first month of talking online-he would go off on a rage.then,first week of marriage i definitely KNEW! My son was the one who looked it up and said he was definitely a sick a..

The first real Narc I had a relationship with sent me an email about six months after he D&D'd me - (he was trying to get me back) Detailing his flawed psyche, how he didn't trust me, that he has a pattern of dumping good girls, that he has been seeing a therapist and that he knows he is incapable of love. He didn't say "I've got NPD" but he pretty much spelled it out for me. I didn't know much about narcissism at the time, but I did read "The Sociopath Next Door" and another book about personality disorders. The first time I felt something was very wrong with my last exN/Psycho when on Halloween, we were dancing (or rather, I was dancing) with him at a club filled with party people and he didn't move. I immediately thought of my first narc at that moment who had done the SAME THING when I was out on the dance floor with him. There were lots of things that I felt were wrong at the time but I was too far under his spell to think about any of it. The dancing thing was my first real gut feeling. Even more than some of the nasty Jekyl and Hyde moments. It's not even an NPD trait, but I couldn't help but compare him to someone I knew was NPD or sociopath at that very moment. After he D&D'd me, I thought, "Oh, come on, he's a freakin' top law student! He has to know that what he said was completely nonsensical! He's gonna come around. When he didn't, I became deeply depressed and it just struck me to type "narcissism" in a google search. I started with reading the Sam V. stuff. I know Barbara won't like this, but it's the thing that pinned the tale on the donkey for me . . . Sam V. said that a narcissist could be caught saying about a significant other . . . she had the choice of men, but chose me. My ex said the EXACT SAME LINE about his mother choosing his father on our third date! Then he reiterated that line when he dumped me! After that, I started reading EVERYTHING about narcissism and joined this site. I left Sam V. behind. He's a psychopath. When Lisa described her first husband in her book, I was floored! And a lot of the traits of her vegan boyfriend were so spot on the money! After I learned about all the traits of narcissism and psychopathy, I made a list of everything I experienced with my last exN/psycho that was consistent with these traits. In only six weeks of being with him, I had a list of over 50+! Clues he was NPD or possible Psycho: 1. Psychotic Meds for insomnia – blames insomnia on stress and because of a girl who didn’t call him when he sent her flowers. 2. He did a disappearing act on me. 3. Jekyl and Hyde behavior 4. Overvalued, devalued and discarded me. 5. Believed he was always singled out for hardship 6. Would speak sometimes in third person 7. Contemptuous of others and of me 8. Boastful, extremely boastful – the best this, the best that, expert of this . . . expert of that . . . 9. Lecturing 10. Proclaimed to be normal – unprovoked, he just had to let me know that he is, “normal.” 11. Did all the things a psychopath would do to seduce a victim according to Sandra Brown. 12. He almost came while making out with me (this is before we started having sex) – very strange, we were kissing, fully clothed, only for a few minutes, I stopped kissing when I noticed he was ignoring me and looked like he was masturbating without touching himself. 13. His family had a history of mental illness. His older brother are messed up. He told me he had a crazy uncle who was a horrible person. Did bad things 14. He had a privileged childhood 15. He had a traumatic childhood I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. (He had a big birthmark on half his face until about 5 years ago) 16. Haughty. I remember, his profile pic was a bit of a turn off because he looked so arrogant with his arms crossed looking down at the camera. 17. He was seeking fame and adoration 18. Had a very strong fantasy life – he’s a writer 19. Did not seem to love his family. He never said love. He admired his dad, he admired his brother. . . 20. Cares a lot about his appearance and what others think of him 21. Had a crazy overbearing mother who is still a dominant force in his life. He would complain about how annoying she is. 22. Prideful – after claiming to be so humble. 23. Words did not match deeds 24. Reverse reactions - I would be sweet and he would get mad or scornful. 25. Told me his last girlfriend said “I thought you were different” 26. Workaholic, self-soother. 27. Fear of abandonment 28. Suspicious 29. His guilty pleasure: Watching bloody horror flicks 30. Could not understand why I would not dump a guy I had been seeing for a month to be with him after only one date, having some beer and nice conversation. 31. Had no compassion for me, added insult to injury 32. Admitted that he does not respect his oldest brother – that he’s “working on it.” 33. Highly critical of himself and of others 34. He’s a grown man who needs his mother to pick out his clothes - - well, maybe this is all men? 35. Idealized vision of love – My beauty queen mom picked out my dad. He called them “Cupcake parents.” 36. Takes pleasure in being worshiped. – There’s a girl in his class who is in love with him, wrote him about her undying love for him and that she would leave her family for him. Created a FB page devoted to him with a picture of Superman. He said they made out one night and it didn’t get very far. Her protective brother called and scared him away. I asked him about what he thinks about her. With a strange little smirk he said, “She’s a good, nice girl.” He also commented that they are still friends and he thinks she’s a virgin. That was it. 37. Loves being the center of attention and brags about times when he was. 38. He has left a chain of broken hearts. 39. He was secretive. When I asked him questions, he would minimize himself and bring the focus back to me. 40. Highly intelligent 41. Low self-esteem/insecure – he admits it as a problem 42. He is easily frustrated by trivial things, but not at all shaken in life or death situations. He told me about how his hiking group got lost and could have died, but he was calm and pretty unmoved. Whatever happens, happens attitude while the rest were freaking out. However, little things would get his anxiety up like a scratch on his car or forgetting the tickets to a show. Not a biggie dude, they print them up at the booth. Nothing to freak out about. 43. He always had everything handed to him. Never had to work hard for anything except grades and sports. 44. Dress up as Neo “The One” for Halloween 45. Envious of others. He would talk about writers he knew from school who didn’t deserve the jobs they got. 46. Lacked empathy. Could not see or care about how what he said or did could have hurt me. Made no apology except “sorry for wasting your time.” 47. Felt a sense of entitlement. How dare that I dated other men? Of course I would have fallen madly in love with JR the moment I laid eyes on him and forget who ever else I might have been dating at the time. 48. Little depth – couldn’t really talk spirituality. He did say however that he was afraid of not believing in God, in case he is wrong and there actually is one. 49. Took on law to get “validation” but he doesn’t really have any passion for it. (He couldn't get anything sold as a writer) 50. Other people's opinions mattered more to him. He didn't really have any political views and when he D&D'd me he claimed he was taking the advice of his friends and his brother, who never even met me! I could probably go on . . . but enough about him, right!