I also write. Yes, at least some of us can distinguish between reality and fiction! We don't view people as characters whose stories and dialogue we direct:)
My biggest hint should have been when I read the scariest narrative poem I have ever read that he wrote - about a just released criminal who recounts choosing evil as a young child, hardening his heart to enjoy the thrill of evil acts like killing a neighborhood dog, and then goes and murders his abusive foster mother for the "rush". Yeah. Should have told me something. Astounding, captivating poem and scarier than hell. Mine too loves slasher films and talking about death - he gets a thrill out of seeing other people recoil from such discussion. Thinks he's a manly realist. And I was plagued with brutal nightmares from the time I met him. Hmmmm.
The funny thing is he can write the most brutal things and also sad, painful things and yet by calling all the characters "creatures of his imagination", he divorces himself from them and says they are nothing like him - just that he is a good writer so can imagine how someone like that might be. It's like the disassociation Barbara talks about. Most recently he wrote a poem with a woman at its center who is EXACTLY like me- even her name is almost he same -and when this was pointed out to him he completely denied it- as if given me that might possibly be flattering to me and somehow admitting that he is weak. The funny thing is he may not have actually gotten the connection even though it is totally obvious. At least she (the character) doesn't get murdered though! lol. Its all so convoluted, isn't it! I'm just trying to stay out of his head yet learn as much as I can about N - so it helps me understand what happened and move on....
Finally really starting to "get it" and feel much less charge around him than ever before (2 years). An inkling of depression creeping in though -as if losing all the energy is leaving dullness in its wake...
I was so down about a week before mine flew the coop (again). He was acting wierd ever since he arrived her again, after being apart for so long.
My mind was whirling...what's wrong here, what's going on?? I was thinking that maybe if I looked up his moods, 'symptoms', and behaviors in a search, maybe something would come up. So I did while I was at work, since I had little privacy when I was at home with him.
The first thing I found is Borderline Personality Disorder. But the more I read about it, some things didn't fit. AFTER he left, I started researching more...Then from there, I noticed something on Narcissism - I almost blew it off because I thought, 'oh, he doesn't look in the mirror all day?' ha! But..it was like someone knocked me over with a feather. I even doubted some of it at first because he's not an 'over the top acting N'. But digging deeper into Emotional Abusers and how it relates to narcissism was a dead give-away. He fit so many of the patterns and behaviors, there was no question.
I was totally sick that I was involved with someone like this. Then later I realized my mom had many N traits. It was like, OH, THAT'S what's wrong with Mom!! The first sites I tripped on were...of all things, you-know-who, whose crap is splattered all over the net. I thought, wow, this guy really sounds angry about these types of people! It made me uncomfortable. Then, I saw that cute little couple you-know-who's website...at first I thought, wow, here's some hope!! If I buy that workbook they are pushing on their website, I can figure out how to heal my relationship with the N. But they seemed to be the only ones who thought this way??
Around this time, I was still very vaguely responding to my ex's e-mails. He was pleading to come back...my replies were just like, "I'm so confused right now, I'll get back to you later"...ha.
I think I was intentionally putting him off because I was craving real answers, searching for help, and I knew he'd distract me from my mission.
So I kept reading, and the mounds of information kept coming, that it's not possible to help a narcissist. This made me feel sad and hopeless...was it really IMpossible?? That's probably when I came across Lisa's site, and another one I belong to. These women sounded JUST LIKE ME! At last, I had some real validation that I wasn't going crazy, and there are other men out there like my ex?? And there's a name for it?? Whoa! That kind of sealed the deal for me, and I started ignoring him completely. He pursued me for 6 more months, and more or less quit.
I didn't want to kid myself, I felt like NOW that I know for sure what he is, this is good enough reason to know better NOT to take him back, and if I do, I'm in for the same and worse. That's why I always tell people 'just out'...keep reading, keep reading!!
But I do remember it started by me Googling selfish, self-absorbed, selfish boyfriend, etc. Now let's see, what on earth would make me start checking into that? That led me to narcissism, and I thought some of that fit, but not totally, he didn't seem THAT bad, and a lot of the things didn't fit. When I found this board and starting reading about real-life experiences, it all clicked. I was dating a narcissist.
I do think he's just a narcissist, and not a psychopath, but that still makes him a selfish jerk who is a user and not a nice person. I'm so glad I'm away and I'm also glad he's someone else's problem now.
It was Google that led me to answers that changed my perception of him forever. After he called me a "baby" because I was scared of surgery to find out if I had cancer, I Googled: Lack of Empathy
Lo and behold, that is one of the biggest signs of Narcissism...and then I started reading.
At first, I tried to find ways to "defend" him in my own eyes but the proof was just too great. There it was in black and white and all the self-doubt and frustration I'd been feeling was being justified and qualified. I was led to this site as well and started pouring out my story.
I also tried researching on how to have a "successful" relationship with a Narc. HA! I found out the truth: You can only have a successful relationship with a Narc if you don't think very much of yourself. You have to always put them first....praise them always....never need anything from them....don't expect them to be there for you in any way shape or form....become an automaton and don't have any emotions....always be happy when you're around them....and so on and so on ad nauseum.
I realized from that fateful Google day on, that my relationship with the Narcissistic Surfer Plumber was doomed. It had been doomed from the start but it would take me a while to find that out.
Thank GOD I did. I'm free now.....almost a year and a half out of it.
The beautiful body on the outside cloaked a disgusting, self-serving, monster on the inside.
neveragain
When I described the "love of my life" and the problems I was having with him, my friend who is a Dr of Psychology told me the was Narcissistic.
I had heard the term, and googled it, and read up alot, and wow,,it was all true.
I then learned about sociopath behaviors, and this took it to the next level.
Incredible.
I finally figured out my gut was right when Mine dumped me when I was 8 weeks pregnant with our second child(our first was only 6 months old at the time)He left me for a woman we both worked with..She was a friend of mine..or so I thought..I went to a therapist and she mentioned personality disorders and I started reading and realized this was him ..right then I changed my phone number..he watched me at work everyday getting bigger and bigger with his child and never asked to help or if I needed any help with baby stuff or with our infant daughter at the time ..to this day he still sees me at work everyday and hasn't once asked about our daughter or newborn son ..granted this is his 5th child with the fourth woman..I really thought I was too educated for this...he has the nerve to actually speak about his upcoming wedding when he hasn't even purchsed diapers for his own son ! His new GF must be blinded by the wedding....granted this is his fifth engagement...I must admit though I knew very early on this guy was trouble..we were together 3.5 years and I think really only about 6 months of it was semi-enjoyable.. the first time I sobbed in front of him and he just kept getting nastier to me I knew this wasn't normal human reaction to someone you care about sobbing.... he didn't once ever comfort me when I would cry...
I also write. Yes, at least
Mine writes too (as do I)
discovery
I don't remember exactly when.
Me Too MsVulcan500
My Friend Told Me about Narcissitic Behavior
moment of discovery