What keeps us stuck?

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#1 May 28 - 5PM
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What keeps us stuck?

I sometimes read our posts here and think we kinda sound like addicts...we know the narcisscist (drug, drink) is bad for us, we have experienced enough crap and pain so that our friends and families wonder why we haven't moved on. We ourselves would advise any of our friends or loved ones who are going through what we have experienced to move on....but....we spend hours in our heads debating making contact (like an alcoholic or addict thinks about going back to drinking or drugging, to get relief from the obsessive thought patterns...to make the noise and pain go away. Drinking doesnt help the alcoholic, we all know that, it keeps them sick....what makes contact with the n any different?

Mar 25 - 12PM
yogaros's picture

what keeps us stuck

Mar 25 - 12PM (Reply to #46)
spinning's picture

Yoga...I sent


Mar 25 - 12PM (Reply to #47)
yogaros's picture

thats what I need to work towards xx

Mar 7 - 11PM
gettinbetter's picture

I haven't been on here in

Mar 10 - 11PM (Reply to #43)
sabinemason's picture


Mar 12 - 9PM (Reply to #44)
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Nice thoughts, and I hear

Mar 8 - 9AM (Reply to #41)
BlairoRoberto's picture

Yes, me too, hooked on hope

Mar 8 - 10AM (Reply to #42)
TDbfree's picture

Damn............. You are

Mar 8 - 7AM (Reply to #36)
TDbfree's picture

Needed to hear that...... I

Mar 8 - 11AM (Reply to #37)
gettinbetter's picture

I assure you my friends it is

Mar 8 - 8PM (Reply to #40)
BlindNoMore's picture

I couldn't agree more. I'm

Mar 8 - 5PM (Reply to #38)
TDbfree's picture

I put a rubber band on my

Mar 8 - 6PM (Reply to #39)
gettinbetter's picture

No rubber band needed. Just

Mar 7 - 6AM
evergreen's picture


Mar 7 - 10AM (Reply to #34)
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Me too! I thought I could

Nov 14 - 10AM
BrokenBlonde's picture

Staying stuck..

Nov 14 - 6AM
kollontai77's picture

I am stuck thinking about

Nov 12 - 3PM
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What kept me stuck, I thought

Nov 13 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
talktothehand's picture

what kept me stuck

May 30 - 5PM
Deidre40's picture

My past. My childhood past

My past. My childhood past kept me attracted to and attracting OF narcs. Now, that I stood up to a family member recently, my head has been clearer. I'm surprised at the baggage I've carried around since the death of my parents as a kid. And what led me to being with narcs to begin with...and staying in abusive relationships. I'm no longer stuck, but I still have bad days.
May 30 - 5PM
dabussard's picture

The Sex

For me, its the sex, I can't get it out of my head... I am addicted to it, for the next hit...Sick I know... But, after 7 years of nothing.. Guess the scraps are better than nothing...
May 30 - 3PM
Journey's picture

I think hope is what keeps us

I think hope is what keeps us stuck. Hoping for anything that has to do with our ex, positive or negative. For me, I felt I'd lost hope about all of my life except my ex. That if he was 'normal' with me again I would somehow regain hope for everything else. I think it is only when we give up all hope about them - that they come back, give us closure, really love us, hurt themselves, get their karma reward, have some sort of insight, tell us they are sorry... It all leads to holding on and staying stuck. Finding hope again that is not connected to them is what I think propels us forward... at least, here's hoping - lol!

Journey on...

Nov 13 - 12PM (Reply to #26)
outoftheashes's picture

Hope kept me stuck

May 29 - 2PM
terri's picture

prolonged programming

I am convinced that this dilemma is what separates a narc experience from any other failed relationship - no matter how difficult or painful the breakup was. I'm not sure of all of the psychological intricasies of these relationships but I think one thing most, if not all of us share in common, is the stop-start, push-pull pattern that narcs employ. Some of us only had months or a few years of this but many of us had several years of being programmed by this pattern. I remember the first couple of times we broke up and had months of NC. When narc got back in touch and started saying how he was sorry, how much he missed me, how he wanted to work together to figure out what had gone wrong and get things back on track - I was putty in his hands. I was so happy and so relieved that he really did love me as I had believed - or he wouldn't be calling wanting to fix the relationship and build a future - right?? (WRONG) This pattern happened consistently - maybe even for a few days or weeks instead of a few months. I became somewhat accustomed to the silences, even though they were alwasy painful and damaging. But this was akin to Pavlov's conditioning. A breakup and resultant silent treatment would always be followed by a loving reunion that would offer relief and validation. So I would then become conditioned to subconsciously establish a cause/effect mindset. Silent treatments were Pavlov's bell (that created the anticipated reward) and the reunion was my reward. So up to the end, the breaks and silent treatments would trigger my unconscious anticipation of the phonecall or the email or the text or whatever. The longer I had to wait, the more panic it would create. The most confounding part of this is the "cognitive dissonance" of knowing that I really didn't want to talk to the narc or even get back together with him but needing to get the "payoff" (or validation) of having him reach out to me. As someone else wrote in their posted reply here, getting that call from narc was like a hit of the drug they were addicted to. So true! I can remember many times that the narc would reach out to end NC and I felt so satisfied even though I really did NOT want to talk to him or see him. Or maybe I've totally lost my mind! No doubt I've been completely overthinking this. One of these days, when my head stops spinning, I'll look back on this episode of my life and get a good laugh!

Believe in yourself!

Nov 16 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
laurendailys48's picture

I can relate.

Nov 12 - 3PM (Reply to #21)
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It was an interesting morning

It was an interesting morning for me yesterday. I had our daughter, the exnw was to pick her up mid day, and called me. It is important to share that I had been enjoying a very calm, peaceful weekend with my kid, and looking back to yesterday morning I was emotionally uncharged and if you had asked me I felt free, in that the n was not in my head, and hadn't been for awhile. So she calls and tries to set me up. She askes if our child is having a good time, the n had seen her exactly 3 hours in the past week! I said yes, she is having a good time. She then said maybe she would be happier staying with me until today, I said that would be fine(more time with me is what I want, and n is in self pity poor me mode, so that isn't ideal for my daughter to be around anyway). I need to say exnw is a selfish assclown! Then she starts in on how her stomach is giving her problems, I say what time are you picking up our kid tomorrow? She asks me if I am seeing anyone, I say that is none of your business and I have told you before we aren't going to discuss our personal lives with each other anymore. Then she says she had talked with her good friend the night before and they agreed she had really screwed up last year when she d and d's me and got involved with another man, and I said we have been over all of this a hundred times and there is no point in rehasing the past, then I thanked her for another day for me and my daughter and said goodbye and hung up! Here's the deal, I am trying to understand the phenomenon that occurs inside me during our ridiculous pointless conversations. I get a charge out of it. It isn't comfortable, but it is famaliar. We did this dance for 14 years. There is an element that somehow any contact gives me control. I didn't bite on any of her hooks yesterday, I exited the conversation with my self respect intact. I achieved my goal of naviagating through the details of moving the kid back and forth without getting pissy or resentful. I have learned to stay detached during a potentially emotionally charged interchange. I have been gone from her for almost a year, and I have found myself again, and like I shared I have a healthy normal life again. I had no obsessive thoughts or feelings yesterday after our phone conversation, but I did feel a charge. Maybe what I am witnessing in myself is how much less energy I extend talking with her because I don't want anything from her except to arrange our sharing of our child. Even three months ago these conversations always had the capacity to get me nuts for a couple hours or a couple days, because I hadn't let go. I was holding on to something, and I think I was just holding to the hurt because it hadn't healed yet, and now most of the hurt is gone. I have compassion for my exnw, but I now know I can't fix broken, I don't have to try anymore to fix it, and I don't want broken in my life anymore! ds
Nov 13 - 10AM (Reply to #23)
Getting healthy
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"....the phenomenon that

Nov 12 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Trixy's picture

so interesting DS

May 29 - 3PM (Reply to #18)
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It was like keeping the

It was like keeping the plates spinning on the sticks. At some point I knew I had to keeep them spinning no matter what. Scrambled eggs. Now that all the plates have hit the ground, and I have swept up the mess and thrown it in the trash, I can see I was stuck in a viscious trap, knowing that my cat barked, thinking maybe it was my fault, and wondering how and when the cat would meow like other cats. Its a weird analogy, but it works for me today. If I want my cat to meow( have a partner who can love), I better pay attention to the dissonant barking sounds sooner. woof woof
Mar 5 - 4AM (Reply to #20)
aurora's picture

woof woof