What keeps us stuck?

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May 29 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
Alibi_10
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Barking cat

I love this analogy... thanks for sharing that, like a new take on if it walks like a duck etc etc ... lol.. barking cat.
May 28 - 10PM
Arwen
Arwen's picture

We want and need approval and

We want and need approval and love so badly that we allow the horror that is a narc. We get lonely. There are many more women than there are men in this world. It's awful sometimes, the loneliness. It can break you. We live in a world now where beauty, thinness, and financial success is expected from a woman, and we hold ourselves to standards that are so ridiculous that we lose sight of what really makes us fulfilled. We compare and despair about other women. And we don't need to be co-dependents to feel this way...I feel that narcs are on the rise because women have never been so exploited, thin, rich and STUPID as they are in Hollywood nowadays, and in the music business, which is devoid of any real art. We see magazine covers of women that we are supposed to look like, and we are encouraged to attain that level of beauty. We don't read anymore...we don't have to...we have the web. There is very little emphasis on our inner lives. Facebook also encourages beauty, and puts pressure on us. So does the rest of the internet. It is a sad time we live in. I believe today's culture is as much to blame for the steep rise in NPD as our own issues of low self-esteem. Any woman, no matter her background, can be taken in by a narc/con man.
May 28 - 9PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Most Definitely

they are an addiction. We had been friends/acquaintances for months on FB (old classmates), but once the flirting started and escalated, I got "hooked" within a matter of days/a couple of weeks. I actually said to him, "You're like my secret addiction." Here's a song I posted here several weeks ago that is also on my "Narc Playlist." Pretty much says it all, and I have several of her songs on the list. Kelly Clarkson was definitely Narced. Addicted - Kelly Clarkson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXyrMaFZM0g
May 29 - 3PM (Reply to #14)
adoette
adoette's picture

smitten kitten

"Like a leech sucking the life out of me....it's like I'm not me" Oh, my. I haven't listened to this song since I've "seen the light". Sounds totally like the N experience. Are you willing to post or send me your "Narc Playlist"? Music has been key to my survival and I'm always looking for new music. TovaBella listed a playlist a week or so ago (Thanks, TB!) and two of the songs that hit the nail on the head were: Pearl by Katy Perry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ukj6hH1pBgQ A Little Bit Stronger Every Day by Sarah Evans http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=sarah+evans+a+little+bit+stronger&aq=0&oq=sarah+evan
May 30 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Smitten Kitten's Narc Playlist - Updated

This is a growing list and I've added songs to it thanks to others here who have recommended some and also a couple from TovaBella's list. Anything But Down - Sheryl Crow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJqmyOeOnWk http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/sherylcrow/anythingbutdown.html (Watch the video - she's a puppet on strings. I have listened to this song for years and never understood it as more than a one-sided, selfish relationship. TOTAL Narc experience. These lyrics make way more sense to me now.) Perfect Lie - Sheryl Crow http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHEp4vVYYjA http://www.songs-lyrics.net/so-Sheryl-Crow-lyrics-Wildflower-lyrics-Perfect-Lie-lyrics-A000717360105002C9.html Insensitive - Jann Arden (Ha, ha.... love the way the guy is Hoovering in this video) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nrGWwHalCU Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christinaperri/jarofhearts.html Rolling in the Deep - Adele http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iXxf7JZ3NU Set Fire to the Rain - Adele http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlsBObg-1BQ Rumour Has It - Adele http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ti3t7MAwaaM I Wish I Wasn't - Heather Headley http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oz716XcQqU http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/heatherheadley/iwishiwasnt.html Narcissus - Alanis Morrissette http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yP5bEnJBx2k You Oughta Know - Alanis Morrissette http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4UEWbTxmG9o You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jA6sueOuZm4&feature=related Cold As You - Taylor Swift http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VKhR-jI4XLk Linger - The Cranberries http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PhOfJhJKZk Cold Hearted Snake http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYKMZUNHTAI I Hate Myself for Loving You - Joan Jett http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPkTGm4RtVM&feature=related Hot N Cold - Katy Perry http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTHNpusq654&feature=fvst Womanizer - Britney Spears http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDq0PzCrf5w Toxic - Britney Spears http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlZP8yg15RA Smooth Operator - Sade http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMMKSa8DBME Betcha Say That - Gloria Estefan http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOyGOjM8xbc You're So Vain - Carly Simon http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnlaSq9VJa0 Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TLK-i2X9zw Don't Think of Me - Dido http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xn32EDxPfSc&feature=fvwrel Never Ever - All Saints http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vx6DtgW_uh0 Unforgiveable - Armin Van Buuren http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyUfJVqMtO0 Out of Goodbyes - Maroon 5 feat. Lady Antebellum http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6PL_Tlq-m8 THE KELLY CLARKSON COLLECTION (she should be a member here): Addicted - Kelly Clarkson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXyrMaFZM0g Walk Away - Kelly Clarkson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWIB4DCtooI http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/walkaway.html Never Again - Kelly Clarkson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVYesEpMr84 http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/neveragain.html Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7UrFYvl5TE http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/sinceubeengone.html Don't Waste Your Time - Kelly Clarkson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjM9nTd9Jnc http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/dontwasteyourtime.html Beautiful Disaster - Kelly Clarkson http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QGg1gvs7QfM You Thought Wrong - Kelly Clarkson feat. Tamyra Gray http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCQhCkCxBVM&feature=related FROM THE NARCISSIST'S POINT OF VIEW: For Your Entertainment - Adam Lambert http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0F2hqlV8-N8 I'm a Creep - Radiohead http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eHus6M7Gpk Poker Face - Lady Gaga http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yODa2bifHs0 Fade to Black - Metallica (My N actually sent this to me and said it's the way he feels most of the time. I thought he was just depressed at the time.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_Q4rfPRUsQ&feature=related http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/metallica/fadetoblack.html
May 28 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

"Just Can't Get Enough"

I'm not a fan of the Black Eyed Peas... but this song is one of their best. The video was filmed in Tokyo a week before the tsunami/earthquake. It's very powerful. In the lyrics, Fergie refers to the boyfriend as a demon, and that she "just can't get enough." In the music video, Will I Am and Fergie are alone, even when they're with each other. Their backs are literally to each other. As a couple, they're alone. She's drinking, he's addicted to his iPhone. They're not a couple, yet they're pretending to be one. It's a perfect depiction of a relationship with a Narc.
May 28 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Smitten Kitten

Wow! I must have missed that post! That song is perfect! I wonder if I'll be like most alcoholics and drug addicts. I wonder if I will fight the urge for him for the rest of my life?? God I hope not! When we first started seeing each other I called myself a crack-head. I was that addicted from the beginning.
May 28 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Right?

When I stumbled across that song it pretty much said it all.
May 28 - 8PM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Done Sourcing

I feel like a junkie all the time. When I talk to him I feel like I just got a "hit" of my drug. I see alcoholics an drug addicts in a different light now. I think they want to stop but the addiction is too strong. I feel the same about my Narc. I know he's evil and he's so bad for me but I crave him like a junkie. When I think I've finally beat the addiction he comes back around and waves my drug in my face and sometimes I'm strong and fight it but sometimes I cave and end up back in the gutter again. It's horrible. NC is the only way to survive it. It keeps our minds clear and healthy but just like any other addict sometimes we aren't strong enough to walk away from the drug/stay NC. I've never been so addicted to anything in my whole life. I am addicted to a no-good, redneck, lying, cheating, low-life idiot. He is my drug.
May 29 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
Caligirl
Caligirl's picture

sara-smile

Your description of your narc, sounds like mine (though I don't know about cheating). My narc was a redneck, a first for me. That is what they call themselves. I've never been so addicted either.
May 28 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

I understand. I think we need

I understand. I think we need to learn what is missing inside of ourselves that we are trying to fill with the assclowns. They feed us something magical at the beginning, and I think we need to focus on that more and focus on the narcbutts less. Time away with nc really does bring one back to reality, where we can see how bad they are for us, and also see how self-centered and abusive and twisted they really are.
May 28 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

I read some good books on

I read some good books on boundries. It spelled it out clearly that he zoned in on my weak spots. I had to figure out my weak spots and fix them. He knew how to guilt me with his horrific childhood stories. I was raised with guilt as the disipline method, so it worked perfect for him. Figuring that out and accepting the reality of the situation (not what I wanted to be the reality) has been the biggest step towards healing. He had done so much gaslighting that I honestly couldnt figure out what was real. NC help with that. Thier fragmented minds can fragment yours with lots of exposure. I always knew things just felt wrong, but I was so confused I couldnt put it together. They are so disordered and until you accept how disordered they are and figure out thier games, you will never move on. When I figured out his game and seen how he played me, he lost his power. When you truly take back your power, you will feel it. I would say I was just niave(sp?) and to trusting. I couldnt believe someone who looked and talk so normal was as vile a human as he was. Then there are the crumbs he would throw me, enough to keep me believing him. While I was trying to figure out what he had just done to me, he was already setting me up for the next round. It kept my mind scrambled for some months. My biggest growth spurt has just taken place. It all just takes time. This forum and NC are the key to my success.
May 28 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Done Sourcing

I've been thinking about that a lot lately. What is missing in me or what is wrong with me that I allowed an abusive man to stay in my life for so long? Also, why is it so hard to stay NC even though I know FOR SURE he is pure evil? What is it in me that allowed this man in my life to begin with? AND WHY I am so addicted to him. I'd love to have the answers to those questions.
May 28 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

In the beginning I got lots

In the beginning I got lots of smiles, attention, and sex. She was very into me, and who doesn't like that? I think most of us got similar stuff that we liked from these assclowns, hell, they mirror us. Then the mixed up stuff starts slowly. In her case she was always jealous, which cracked me up, I'm a loyal guy, monogamous, and she was 14 yrs younger than me...Most of us men are pretty normal.If your nice to us most of the time, like sex, and make us feel wanted and needed, we will never leave, we aint that complicated. She did the push pull all the time, come here stay away, it got confusing, then frustrating, then tedious, then unsafe. Of course we had a child near the beginning, and it became easier to hunker down and stay. I never sensed any cheating behavior from her til the beginning of last year, but that really doesnt even matter. I am now grateful she cheated on me, because I am now free of her and a year ago I could never have even imagined that I could be free and happy and that my child would be fine without mom and dad being together. Alot of you are younger here, and I would like to tell you as a 57 yr old man, the time we have on this planet goes by way too fast. Don't spend any more time than necessary being pissed. So please learn from our experiences with these narcs that to be happy you must be willing to work for it. Talking and sharing here about the narcs behavior can be entertaining and educational. But we are really here on this site looking for answers. We each have our own issues, and we bring these into our new relationships whether we want to or not. I can only change myself, and that takes effort and time and willingness. Changing partners without me looking inside to fix whats broken in me is like rearranging furniture in a burning house, why bother! Chris
May 30 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

Done Sourcing

Yesterday it was the barking cat - today it's the rearranging furniture in a burning house. Excellent analogy. I love this.
May 29 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Done Sourcing

Have you posted your story? I have been looking for it and I can't find it. You seem to have your head on pretty straight. :) How long have you been out of your narc relationship?
May 31 - 2AM (Reply to #6)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

moved out permanently last

moved out permanently last july