What does it mean.. help

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#1 Oct 3 - 4PM

College_girl

What does it mean.. help

So my ex N broke up with me 1 year ago and has checked up on me every few months (whenever he would it was very obvious I still missed him and wanted him) So I think that made him realize he still had supply from me and my control..(and he got suppy)

So this summer I really got to know myself and spent so much time with my friends and kind of forgot about the pain and dependecny I had in the past with our relationship. I think he could tell I was moving on with my life, happier, doing more things, smiling more, not contacting him at all, etc.. So near the end of summer he contacted a few times.

He liked a photo of me, asked on FB how my summer was going and what I have been up to (I replied to that), he texted me 3 times, and FB chatted twice

All of these times I was short, nice, but unavailable...
which made him contact me more and more (which I liked)

because in the past if he contacted me to see if he had control and he found out he DID, then he was satisfied... THIS TIME, I wanted him to know he doesnt have my control... (I secrelty do want him to want me again)

So here is the problem.. I'm afraid that he is DONE. Last time he contacted me he was saying the single life wasnt really his thing and he doesnt hookup with girls, that he wanted to see me again... I was like "im tired, goodnight and I will probably be busy.."

SO, since then (2 weeks ago) he has been silent.. SO now im sad because I was just trying to NOT GIVE HIM INFORMATION SO HE WILL HAVE TO ACTUALLY TRY HARDER....

Now I feel like texting him and telling him I am not as busy now and would like the thing he wanted to give me... Just so he knows I am not a bitch and I will be civil.. But then I will be unavailable again..

I dont want to think he gave up trying to contact me and stuff or that I hurt his pride... :/

#2 Oct 3 - 6PM

TNR1

College Girl...I admire you

College Girl...I admire you coming on this site and being REAL about where you are with your Narc. As I've stated before, if Narcs were easy to get over...we would not need forums like this one. I do hope you stay. I do hope you read and I do hope you continue to post and grow. Not everyone follows the same timeline towards NC...but NC really is the best path in the end. HUGS!!

#3 Oct 3 - 5PM

Sparrow

We weren't always strong.

We weren't always strong. This forum and the help of the members on here has helped to make each other strong. You are strong to! You are strong enough to recognize what is happening and to get the help you needed. It takes a lot of courage to do those things. And it takes a lot to admit the things that you have. I think what we also have to factor in here, is your age and experience in life itself. If I had to guess.........I would say you are between the ages of 20 - 23. You couldn't possible have half the answers, let alone all of the answers. But, be proud of yourself for your expressions, thoughts and feelings. They are yours, you own the right to express yourself. And honestly, if you didn't you wouldn't be able to get the guidance that you need. At least you are not sitting silent, not doing anything about your recovery or healing. You have made some very large strides. Staying silent and not letting people hear you, is like going to the dance and standing in a dark corner in hopes nobody will ask you to dance, and you quietly watch........it's called a wallflower, which you are not! And that my young friend, you should be very proud of! Hang in there and stay strong! You are not alone, we are all here for you.

#4 Oct 3 - 5PM

Tigerlily

Dear College Girl

I just love that disarming honesty of yours. You really see through your own posturing, that is so important. I am not quite clear whether you still want him or not? Maybe you aren`t either? What`s special about him? What don`t you want to give up? And why did you give up? Reality and honesty are always better than games, but I`m sure I don`t need to tell you that, you are so sharp! Love Tigerlily

#5 Oct 3 - 5PM

Sparrow

College girl, don't go. Now

College girl, don't go. Now you have opened up and are being honest with yourself and others on this site. You can be helped, and it can be here. The post are critical, but needed to be said. We all have a voice here, including you. Now that you have constructively, through your postings and others responses, come to a conclusion. Let's work on that. You are not alone! Sometimes is is just too hard to admit things to yourself. You would rather play it "cool" and appear that you have it together. It's all good........we understand. It is called "protecting yourself". Stay.......and work with us on NC. And more importantly, you. Find yourself with our help. We are all friends here, some times certain topics, or even words hit a chord with people. Stay...........

#6 Oct 3 - 5PM

College_girl

SUNAFTERRAIN

I am not satisfied with anyone's confusion or reactions.. it actually made me uncomfortable.

#7 Oct 3 - 5PM

College_girl

I think I am an inverted

I think I am an inverted narcissist.. I try to ignore it but cant anymore. THANK YOU for all the advice and TRUTH.. The reason I think I am inverted is because his hook in me was so deep that I don't care about his treatment as long as I can be with him. It's messed up. It makes sense tho that I am inverted because My dad is a hardcore manipulative ovurt narcissist. It's like I have been preserving myself for his possible return.. I mean, I could go NC and just try and be NORMAL but the thought of finally deleting him again from FB and everything is scary because what if he contacted me and I never got to see it When I tell my therapist I dont care if he loves me or not as long as im his. He said he sees that I am DESPERATE FOR LOVE AND REAL AFFECTION! That i would be unhappy again because I actually need love. I need to find ME. never have before cuz i've always been controlled and wasnt able to be me when I was growing up I just need to try harder like you guys. He did me a favor by being so silent.. I seriously have stuck in my head that he is the best man ever and nobody could make me feel that good (and ironically bad, but of course he says that is my fault for being so needy) SORRY FOR ALL THE CONFUSION AND CRAZYNESS.. Maybe this site isnt for me but I do like reading through all the stories

#8 Oct 3 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Hunter

CG

You are taking this feed back like a champion !! We are giving you feed back.. These things happen in our life for a reason!! Work hard to discover who you are! Step back from this man and be proud of you! He needs to be left alone! Hunter

#9 Oct 3 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

Goldie

This is not true that we do not accept inverted narcissists here

College Girl, I am not sure where the notion that inverted narcs are not welcome here. We have some on here already. Inverted Narcs are codepenent towards Narcissists and are not the same as a Narc, they are addicted to the Narcissist. Dependent PD, histrionic, and borderlines, traditionally hook up with Narcs, so trust me, College Girl we already have some on here. YOu are WELCOME. Inverted Narcissist Previously called "covert narcissist", this is a co-dependent who depends exclusively on narcissists (narcissist-co-dependent). If you live with a narcissist, have a relationship with one, are married to one, work with a narcissist, etc. – it does NOT mean that you are an inverted narcissist. To "qualify" as an inverted narcissist – you must CRAVE to be in a relationship with a narcissist, regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him/her. You must ACTIVELY seek relationships with narcissists – and ONLY with narcissists – no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience has been. You must feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in relationships with ANY OTHER kind of person. Only THEN – AND if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of a Dependent Personality Disorder – can you be safely labelled an "inverted narcissist". http://www.9types.com/movieboard/messages/13677.html Sorry I grabbed this link quick because I don't think that you should go. I think you should stay here and dialog about this with us. You have done a lot of work on yourself and are tempted. We will work with you to help you to stay NC if you would like. God bless, Goldie

#10 Oct 3 - 4PM

Scoop

For some of us the pain of

For some of us the pain of seperation from a narc is too much to bare , so we reach out to them and then forensically pick apart their responce looking for a glimmer of hope that we are not dealing with a narc and just a retarded bloke . For most of us after a 6th or 7th hover we learn that we are banging our head against a brick wall and that it hurts so we go NC . We can tell you untill we are blue in the face to not comunicate with a narc but for some that is a lesson you have to learn with experience .. You have to ask your self are the obsessive thoughs back ? do you feel like you are on a roller coaster again ? can one word from him plunge you into depression ? and if the answer is yes to any of thoses questions then take a leap of faith and go NC . There is no point trying to play hard to get with a narc , he has studied you for months and years , that is what they do , he isnt fooled by your casual responces , he sees them as a big fat green light to play with you some more , you cant out manipulate a manipulator , narcs dont play by the same rules we do , all it will do is puff him up with supply, he will believe he is God himself . and thats not to mention the punishment you will get after the honeymoon period is over and you are back into his cluches ... there will be hell to pay for daring to defile him . Sweetheart .. the pain you feel now WILL go in time , there is never a happy ever after with a narc .. stick with us and start NC again , its really is the only way out .. Big love Scoop x

#11 Oct 3 - 4PM

Used

college-girl

do you actually know what this forum is all about... its for people who have been in r/s with narcs, and want to get out, or if they are out stay out and then begin NC...you are asking these questions ,when in all the time you have been here you have never gone NC, and by the tone of your post, you dont intend to.... you are even f/b friends, and you want to act in a way that he still stays in touch with you..WHICH YOU LIKED!!!!! AND YOU TEXT EACH OTHER....GET REAL COLLEGE-GIRL, THIS FORUM IS FOR HEALING, NOT GIVING OUT TIPS,TO KEEP THE NARC INTERESTED...WHICH YOU LIKE REALY, EVEN THO HE KNOWS HE DOESNT CONTROL YOU ANY MORE....YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!

#12 Oct 3 - 4PM

Goldie

A couple of things come to mind for me while reading this post.

(I secrelty do want him to want me again) Does this mean that you are asking us what you should do in terms of texting and withholding in order to manipulate him into being good to you now? Do you think that just because HE SAID that he does not want to play the field and be single anymore, that he is telling you the truth? Are you aware that when you go NC and they no longer have control over you, that they will SAY anything that they think you want to hear AND that PD's do NOT change? Sleep with him again and everything will be exactly as it was before. You will see no change. This site is NOT about teaching you how to get back together with your abuser. What exactly did he do to you back when you were together before that you are apparently FORGETTING now? He is the same guy who broke up with you a year ago and did not care at all that you were still upset over it. Do you think that you are going to get a new prize if you let him back in? No, you will get the same guy and most likely worse because by you taking him back you are showing him that you do not value or care about yourself. You are telling him that all of that bad behavior was O.K. because he threw you on tiny little bone by saying that he liked your pic on facebook. Also, do you seriously think that he give's a rats ass over whether or not you come across as civil and not a bitch and does sucking up to a sick disordered guy who broke up with you mean, that you are civil and NOT a bitch? Are you saying that he can do whatever he wants to you and as long as you come across to him as civil and not a bitch then, this is a GOOD THING? This guy is a complete waste of your time, you have moved on now and had a great summer. He has done NOTHING aside from texting you or making a comment on facebook. Comeon College girl, you're a smart girl, leave well enough alone. Don't let him back in or you will be setting yourself up for another fall. I have no advice as to how to get back a guy who is not good for you and has no value to your life. God bless, Goldie

#13 Oct 3 - 4PM

Hunter

Ummm ... This makes no sense,

Ummm ... This makes no sense, we recommend NC for freedom! Do you want a relationship with this guy? It appears you do since you described your communication with him all summer! That said, his behavior you describe is very disordered, you either live with what he dishes out or move on! Moving on means NC! These are life choices and only you can deciede how you choose to live your life! A question back at you, what do you want out of his relationship?? I'm sorry to tell you what your getting now is all you're going to get! Hunter

#14 Oct 3 - 4PM

Unfreakinreal

I am concerned that you are

I am concerned that you are using no contact or unavailability to try and make him want you. That is not what it is about.

#15 Oct 3 - 4PM

Unfreakinreal

I'm confused here.

Forgive me, but are you saying that you want to be with him? In my opinion someone you have to play games with doesnt seem to be a great catch. This forum to me is about healing, moving forward and leaving the shit behind. You have been a member here for around 6 months - do you have any desire to be free from this person or are you actively trying to sustain a relationship with him. I am confused, what exactly are you asking?

#16 Oct 3 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

College_girl

nevermind.. Let me just say

nevermind.. Let me just say you guys are strong to be able to not want them at all.. My N was not directly abusive, he was a covert (so i think, I am not a psychiatrist) which is wayy different than an ovurt N. Since my dad is an Ovurt, the EX N just walked into my life and "saved" me when I was 15-16 and I fell madly inlove (or codependent) The truth is that I do miss the relationship, because Narcissists are like DRUGS to people that are codependent.. sometimes I think I am an inverted narcissist because everyone else really doesn't want to be with their old N.. It does help to remember when I was lonely and walking on eggshells.. but I grew up in an environment where that was NORMAL.. So basically, He is like a Drug that I am getting over and when the drug comes back and temps me its very difficult. like heroin (that's how my therapist describes it) some people will do anything for their fix. I was seriously a ZOMBIE when I didn't have my fix in the relationship now I am almost NORMAL :) and getting to know myself.. But yea, I feel like if he wanted to get back together I would. Hey, I', just being honest.. And no we did not communicate a lot during summer. Infact, I NEVER EVER contact him. He contacts me. But now not so much. But yea, I am just trying to take care of myself and be HAPPY :) to be honest, I have never been more content and happy in my life. I dont have my dad or Ex controlling me.. Which is different, kind of weird being in control of my life for the first time ever.

#17 Oct 3 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

Your comments are confusing!!

Your comments are confusing!! Are you in thearpy?? Im getting the feeling that you think we all just said yup, he's a narc, good bye! Those who are better have worked hard to get better! You said in your first thread you were contacting him all summer! Most rich people don't just show up one day with lots of money in the bank! They worked for it, this is no different! You need to seek counciling and work hard to fight the addiction! Hunter PS nevemind?? Cop out, response.. Sorry you didnt like the answer to your question!

#18 Oct 3 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

College_girl

Hunter

Wow that makes me mad. I have a therapist, cognitive behavioral therapy specializing in Narcissism, I've read books on the subject and am in a psych class. I have educated myself on the issue. And I know it takes time and WORK to get over them. I look up to the people on this site who have worked hard. I guess my way of moving forward is to work on myself, it was easy cuz he NEVER showed interest and was silent for so long.. So I was moving forward and then the tables turned my progress when he started HOOVERING. and let me clear something up, this summer I never contacted him. Last school year I did from time to time.

#19 Oct 3 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

spinning

CG, I hope you can understand

why your initial post was alarming to the members here. I can already tell a change in your tone in your subsequent posts...as if you are thinking more clearly. That is good. Here's what I see, dear CG, and I hope it helps with clarity too. From your posts here you have troubles when he hoovers you and you have troubles when he stops hoovering you. Unfortunately, these perceptions are indicative of CD and that you need to work on that a little harder. It is great that you look up to those who have worked hard and envy those who have "never wanted their narc," but that won't get you farther in your recovery. I can tell you that I had to WORK REALLY HARD AND STILL DO TO NOT WANT THE DISORDERED ONE I WAS WITH. IT TOOK HERCULEAN EFFORT ON MY PART TO STOP WANTING SOMETHING THAT WAS CLEARLY BAD FOR ME AND GOING TO KILL ME! I believe that you progressed the most and had the best feelings of self-esteem when you were No Contact. No contact means no Facebook friends, no texting, checking messages, e-mailing, liking, etc. etc. It truly means giving up the ghost. Because that is what he is. A ghost. And your life is too precious to spend chasing a ghost. Worrying about whatever his next "move" should be and what you should do to "counter it," to get him to "try harder" keeps you in the game BIG TIME. You can't win this game, dear CG. None of us can. It's best to opt out. You have all you need right now to feel better about this. No Contact, including maybe changing your phone number or blocking him, is the first step. I wish you peace of mind, CG, it is worth so much! Sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S BORING AND TEDIOUS. I LIKE NOT SPINNING SO MUCH BETTER

spinning

#20 Oct 3 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Goldie

This is what they do College Girl

They come back when supply is low and they tell you new lies. His new lie is that he doesn't want to be single and that it was not all that. Narc speak: I had a few good things going and now they can see through me and I am hoovering back over old supply who is still stuck on me, so I can see if we can go a few more rounds together and I can suck you dry this time. Self actualized woman who has moved on and learned to value herself: Narc is back to hoover some more and I am in therapy now and have learned to love myself enough to not even consider going back to this sick disordered man. Woman still in the throe's of denial, codepedency, addiction: Oh goody, Narc has come back because he still wants me and he said he like's my pic. I am on such a high right now because my drug is still interested. Maybe he is not so bad as all the other narc's and maybe he has changed and I can get the love from him that I never got before because now I am in control and feel so much better about myself. Things will be so much better now. OMG he wants me, I am so excited, I can barely contain myself. Oh no, I hope I did not blow it by being uncivil and a bitch and he won't contact me again. PANIC, OMG what can I do to get him to want me again. Should I call, should I text? Should I ignore him? This is the way the game is played for both parties involved. Are you ready to get off this sick merry go round OR do you want to go back for a few more rounds? This is the real question here. We are here to support you and help you to sort out your feelings. Just don't expect sugar when you ask us what you should do to get him back. God bless, Goldie

#21 Oct 3 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

Trulybroken

Holy Moly....

This right here "Woman still in the throe's of denial, codepedency, addiction: Oh goody, Narc has come back because he still wants me and he said he like's my pic. I am on such a high right now because my drug is still interested. Maybe he is not so bad as all the other narc's and maybe he has changed and I can get the love from him that I never got before because now I am in control and feel so much better about myself. Things will be so much better now. OMG he wants me, I am so excited, I can barely contain myself. Oh no, I hope I did not blow it by being uncivil and a bitch and he won't contact me again. PANIC, OMG what can I do to get him to want me again. Should I call, should I text? Should I ignore him?" WOW!!!! You got into my head when I contacted my ex back in June after leaving him a yr ago. Verbatim of the dialogue in my head

#22 Oct 4 - 9AM (Reply to #8)

Goldie

Denial

Is a powerful smokescreen and can cause us to set ourselves up for more pain. I think that it is what causes us to backtrack and relapse. Isn't it amazing how a few months can go by and in some case's our thinking gets so distorted that we actually "forget" how bad it was. Just like the addict forgeting how low the drugs took them down. God bless, Goldie

#23 Oct 3 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

Unfreakinreal

Hoovering happens after you

Hoovering happens after you go NC, which you have not done. You are concerned about how he sees you. Why? Everything in your first post SCREAMS that you have no intention of going your own way. Playing games to get ones attention is NEVER the answer. You label him as a narc... Tell me why then you are even remaining in contact. Do you want to have him in your life or not? Time to ask yourself that question.

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