Was This Bad Form on My Part?

38 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 11 - 10PM

Anonymous (not verified)

Was This Bad Form on My Part?

There are times I feel intense anger at the waste of 7 prime years of my life on a jerk like my ex...but at the same time, I feel more empowered and wiser than I ever have...I know I wouldn't be able to claim either had I not endured what I did. The saying "that which does not kill us makes us stronger" has real poignancy to me these days.

I will say that when we were going through our split, I was especially vicious to him...I planned to have no future contact with him and knew it was 'now or never' for me to vent at him. Did I ever!

I said really endearing things to him along the lines of "you know, it really sucks that I could have been with a real man while I was going through the most heartbreaking time of my life (my mother's fight with stage 4 cancer that she succumbed to) instead of being stuck with YOU". Or my personal favorite..."If I wanted to live with a dick, I would have chosen a guy who's got a really big one and a bank account to match". That sent him into a total frenzied rage, to which...I pretty much snickered. I was evil as hell to him when we were splitting...that was 7 years of pent up resentment flowing like a broken dam. I have felt no need to contact him, or see him...we have a shared hobby that forces us to be around each other from time to time...I know his ego is severely bruised, much of which comes from the comments I made before I moved...I don't care. It was way cheaper than therapy and was an excellent release, directed at the proper individual.

But really, the best revenge has been him having to watch me literally flourish without him. When I moved, I had no job, a crappy car, and not one stick of furniture. I'm more than sure that he fully expected me to fall on my face and come crawling back to him. Today, 14 months later, I have THE dream job for someone in my line of work...I just bought a new car, my home is furnished and best of all? I look GREAT! He has to watch this all happen. He has attempted contact and I continue to reject him...he will never be a part of my life again. Not even as an acquaintance.

I almost feel bad at times by how mean I was when we were splitting and that I find personal amusement by saying the hateful things I did with the full intent to damage him emotionally...but then I think...."how badly does he feel that he sold me a complete lie and wasted 7 years of my life?"...and that wry smile returns to my face.

The Good Witch of the West in me, though....it doesn't feel right I said the mean things I did to him, I guess mainly because I'm used to dealing with decent people and I would never say the things to them that I did to him.

By the time I left him, I knew he was a malignant narcissist and figured he had it coming from me and on behalf of every other woman from his past who never got the opportunity I had to lay him out with an emotional brick. So I temporarily lowered myself into the gutter and engaged him on his level...I turned into a narcissist for those few weeks during the split. I had to force myself to say the things I did in a few instances...but I was pissed off like I have never been pissed off before. I think that has allowed me to move forward without the need to have "closure"...I got it before I left.

Just wondering what the general consensus here is regarding my approach to slamming the door in his face physically and emotionally before I left.

#2 Oct 15 - 8AM

indenial

ive done exactly the same thing for more than 6 months now

I think that's why I know I will be ok. I got my closure and my pent up anger out before I left. Its not been easy and I've faltered many times back into cog dis and magical thinking but I made sure I took everything I wanted from him and tied up all the that I felt were loose ends for me before I finally walked. I've been putting him down condescending his achievements belittling him and his so called friends. I've ripped his character to pieces. But subtly mostly. I had to do it because what he likes to do is discard me and make me feel like I'm nothing and have nothing while his life is all so great. I knew I wouldn't get the opportunity once I'd walked so I made sure I pointed out all these flaws and shortcomings before I left so that he is less inclined to be swanning around flaunting his money, contacts or ow in my face like I'm bothered. I've shown him that he is nothing and whatever he does I see through it. I've said to him counless times and even pointed out a newspaper article that stated that older and ugly men can get younger or attractive women just because they have an expensive car and money. I laughed and said see you will be ok without me you will get someoene who will want you for your car and your money and you will stupidly be blind to it. He then started to say my car is old blah blah blah. He loves that car its his status symbol and he loves revving it around town like he's sometehing special so I can see that that one wounded him. Just protecting myself for when he starts flaunting ow. I know him. He won't forget those words. And basically I was telling him he's ugly and no one will want him other than for what he appears to have and that when he sees me I will know that. I've said so many things similar. Its not nice but it had to be done. I need him to crawl off and disappear so I needed to do it or he will just be everywhere I am trying to intimidate and belittle me. I'm not sorry I did it. Its made this easier now. His last text to me was a sympathy ploy. Goodbye I'm broken. Lol I didn't even respond. I just had to keep going back to convince myself that it wasn't me but him and to get my closure. Call it ego or pride or whatever but without doing it I would have been broken as I was so many times before when he discarded me. That's the thing about these narcs. They are easily manipulated themselves because I being so preoccupied by manipulating others they are blind to see when its being done to them. I also pointed out to him how other people manipulated used and exploited him. That really hurt him but it was true. He has no real friends just ego strokers and people he buys and now he knows I know that he really has nothing to gain by showing off in front of me. I hopw that I never have to see him again

#3 Oct 15 - 10AM (Reply to #37)

Syren66 (not verified)

That is awesome, girl! I

That is awesome, girl! I think the key to it is to do it before you leave...reasons are two-fold: A) They can't just walk away; they have to listen to you rant and B) they see it as a form of rejection...do it after the fact and they just chalk it up to sour grapes...doesn't have the intended effect. I said the stuff I did not because I want to make him a better human being - I couldn't possibly care less if he remains stuck in his disorder until he croaks. I did what I did for me...so that I could get on with my life with no unfinished business left to attend to on Idiot Island. Also did it to slam the door closed on the relationship...what possible use am I to someone whose entire existence relies on being worshiped? I think it's a safe assumption that at this point, he knows my opinion of him is the opposite of worship. Yes, he has attempted contact and has done what I refer to as "fishing"...that is where they throw the bait out there, see if you bite and if you try, snatch the bait away...he tried that a few times until I wised up and just stopped engaging him at all...even when we were in the same room. I'm sure on some level, he thinks he's won...okay, great...let him feel that way...All I know is I can come home after work and without my stomach in knots...I don't need much more than that to be happy these days! :D

#4 Oct 13 - 9PM

loveofmylife

You go girl!

Maybe, just maybe, if they hear these types of things from enough people that will be forced to reflect and adjust!

#5 Oct 13 - 9AM

Hunter

Sounds like the perfect

Sounds like the perfect approach to me!! Hunter

#6 Oct 12 - 8PM

Redhead1

You get a big high five from

You get a big high five from me! I walked away from 20 years of bullshit and took the high road. I regret it, because I had so much pent up anger (I'd say at least 10 yrs. worth, the first 10 I still had a little fight in me). I think if I had gotten a little of that anger out at him, even if he didnt care, my recovery would have been quicker. I always regret not defending myself. It won't ever happen again:) HIGH FIVE!!!!

#7 Oct 12 - 10PM (Reply to #33)

Syren66 (not verified)

I think we all have regrets,

I think we all have regrets, RH...if I were half as sagely at the beginning as I am today, I never would have stayed with him so long...scratch that...I never would have been with him AT ALL...but once I was convinced as to what a soul-less monster this guy really is...I HATED him. Literally hated him. Believe me...he knows it too. Today? I don't hate him...I just have no respect for him at all - which is even worse in my opinion. He cares so much about what everyone thinks of him...the consummate politician...that even though I am an ex....I know he cares about what I think of him as a person. Only because of his incessant need to protect his "public image"; not because of any regard he has for me personally...I'm not so insane that I would believe otherwise. I'm just at the point I can't be arsed to waste the time it would take away from my new life to call him a piece of shit.

#8 Oct 11 - 11PM

uk lady

Hi Syren - Welcome to the forum

I could have built a whole wall with the emotional bricks I threw at him over the years I was with my ex-P. I was just continuously spinning from his emotional abuse, tricks/games, lies, deception and anything else he brought to the table but at the same time I was in constant confusion because I was so unaware of what was going on. I was always fighting my corner trying to come to terms with a man would could on occasion be so gentle and the next so emotionally unavailable and unaware of others. Not any longer and I now feel no remorse for anything I did or said. Closure is so important for moving forward and that's why so many of us struggle. Closure is not something these guys do - they didn't respect us whilst with us so respect is not something we are shown when they want to move on. And the mothers, like you say, that's another huge chapter of our lives with the P/Ns that has to be demonised. I could build a whole house with those emotional bricks. Dee x

#9 Oct 12 - 3PM (Reply to #26)

Erali

Thanks for this comment, it's

Thanks for this comment, it's nice to know someone else has the same mindframe. I also said some "choice" things to my ex, and I've told some friends/acquaintances a few of the lines and some of them think that keeping my mouth shut would have been better, but like you said, in comparison to the BS he dealt me, he had it easy. Also, like you , I had no idea what was going on. There's a great quote I recently heard that I think suits this: "Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game."

#10 Oct 12 - 7PM (Reply to #27)

Syren66 (not verified)

LOL, well....any friends who

LOL, well....any friends who say you should keep your mouth shut obviously weren't paying attention to the way you were being treated throughout..that 'turn the other cheek' tripe is all well and good....but sometimes, the totality of the circumstances simply warrant the almighty verbal bitch slap upside the head. Like I said...I have no need for therapy...I said what I had to say then, to HIM...the source...I didn't write out some pretend conversation I'd like to have with him, because I already had it. That is not to say journaling is ineffective...I'm a huge proponent of anything that helps people feel better, short of violence or stalking. I also didn't really feel any need to dwell on the coulda/woulda/shoulda of the situation...certainly, I missed the comfortableness of companionship after I left...so I got a dog (a four-legged one this time). But I have never had any desire to be with HIM ever again since the day I walked. Loneliness is also not an issue for me...I was never lonelier in my life than when I lived with him. It's all good! Glad you got to vent...it sets you on a fast track to recovery...doing it when the asshole can walk away from you in the moment is ineffective...they have to be literally trapped like animals for it to really work. The beauty of it all...is he is left behind in a house filled with memories of us...while I have not one scrap of evidence to prove he was ever in my life at all, at any time. He's the one left picking up the pieces. As it should be. :)

#11 Oct 15 - 9AM (Reply to #28)

indenial

this is fantastic

Just what I needed to read today. I've been searching for something. I have felt concerned that after going nc on tuesday I don't feel broken hearted and I don't miss him want him don't want to know what he's dodin don't care. I have been worrying what's wrong with me is it going to hit me and I will have a breakdown and I will never recover but I think what you've said has made me understand. I've been giving myself the closure he never would for months and building myself up by knocking him down. That's why for the first time I honestly feel like I have nothing more to say. Its great. I've said it all and he will be reeling because he knows I'm not. I fear he will hoover just to see why I'm not and what is going on with me. I won't respond if he texts or calls no matter how he tried to draw me in. Or I don't intend to. If he turns up and I have to face him I will just say you need to move on. I already have. I think its the only way but other than if I have to I really just want to ignore him now. I'm done

#12 Oct 15 - 11AM (Reply to #29)

Syren66 (not verified)

Recovery happens in stages,

Recovery happens in stages, Indenial...Even after I walked out, even after I had my say...there were times I missed him horribly and felt miserable...in other words, expect setbacks. But if you know in the pit of your stomach now that you're going to be okay, that will help you weather those weak moments you're likely to experience. And if you stay NC, especially during the weak moments, then it will give you almost superhuman emotional strength with every test you pass. And that is what leads us to ultimate recovery. That, and the self-confidence we gain by knowing we are ultimately in control of our own destiny. If he comes up to you and asks why you won't return his attempts at communication, smile at him as nicely as you can possibly muster and say "oh, I'm sorry, I can't talk now...we'll have to have this conversation some other time" and then WALK AWAY, leaving him standing there. You're telling him in no uncertain terms that he is completely irrelevant and saying it with a smile on your face, with no animosity or hostility, also tells him he's nothing worth getting riled over. You're doing great! Stay the course and stay true to yourself! xoxo

#13 Oct 15 - 11AM (Reply to #30)

indenial

got to be prepared for setbacks

I just don't want the recovery to be prolonged. I'm hoping that what I'm feeling now will just get better and better and that its not just some numb feeling I will get before the big crash and grieving starts. I do feel though that I did my grieving crying and closure before I left. If it don't feel much worse then this then its ok. I don't feel great but I dodnt feel too bad eiether. Just tired. Very tired. Think I've been running on adrenaline and anxiety for so long now that now its gone I feel I could just sleep !

#14 Oct 15 - 12PM (Reply to #31)

Syren66 (not verified)

The Best Things Do Not Come Easy

You can't rush through this process. You have to feel everything and give yourself the time it takes to truly be able to move from one step to the next...if you don't, then you will find yourself constantly re-visiting certain 'earlier' stages of recovery...means you didn't move completely through it the first time. The goal should always be to get to a point where you are truly freed from this horrible bullshit; not how fast you can get there...b/c if you're just wanting to not feel anything any more, that comes at the price of also denying yourself future happiness. Name me one sick person who's happy...this is hard...probably the the biggest test you'll ever face in life. There are no shortcuts. You are going to grieve. You are going to rage. You are going to want to call. But all of that is temporary...how temporary it is, is dictated largely by how you handle it at the time and that is what this forum is for...we are your inner voice when all the other voices are trying to convince you otherwise. I am 14 months out. I have had to face him more than a few times since I left. I don't know how long it's been since you split, but it seems somewhat recent. 14 months is pretty recent too...I'm in a very good place, so it can be done. But I cannot stress enough the importance of reminding yourself every single day exactly WHY you are not with him any longer and remaining NC no matter what. I mean, there were times that lasted a few weeks when I was totally miserable, depressed, sad, all of it...in a funk I didn't think I'd ever get out of...and I always did come out on the other side...feeling a whole lot stronger than I did beforehand each time. I realize it's the process I have to undergo...and not for one more second does that worthless mother fucker get to lay claim to a single ounce of my dignity. I feel stronger and wiser than I have ever felt...who made me that way? Not him, that's for damn sure. So you'll get there...stay the course, come here and vent if you're wavering. I didn't have the benefit of an awesome group of people to support me while I went through the first year solo after ending a 7+ year relationship with him. I'd have probably been done with it in its entirety in 3 months had I known about this forum back then! :D

#15 Oct 12 - 1AM (Reply to #24)

Syren66 (not verified)

One other thing....

You so eloquently spoke of the need for closure...as is true with all loss in life...be it the loss of a relationship, or the loss of a loved one to death...I find that the majority of people who have a really hard time moving through the grieving process regardless of cause, experience that difficulty due to the circumstances surrounding that loss...sudden loss of a loved one to death without the ability to say 'goodbye' or repair rifts...leaves one with the feeling of unfinished business...same holds true for a break up. I knew my mother was not going to survive her illness...she and I had a rocky relationship for most of my life...I was determined that our relationship would be redefined by the time her time came. It was. We had a wonderful relationship in those last months - nothing unsaid, nothing left hanging. I got to tell her I love her and also got to say good bye...I was at her side when she died. I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed to have had an opportunity that so many do not get. And more importantly, that I was able to recognize it as such while I could still do something about it. I think that is what instilled in me the intense need to walk away from Captain Save a Ho with no unfinished business to tend to and why I pursued that agenda with so much passion. My mother's death was not without meaning...in a way, she saved me. The chapter is closed on both my mother's passing and the passing of this relationship...I am convinced that is how I have been able to stay detached from him at a year + out of it.

#16 Oct 12 - 2AM (Reply to #25)

uk lady

Absolutely

Closure is about letting go of whatever has us stuck. No matter what kind of relationship is involved. I had subconsciously been detaching from him for about a year - before I walked away in order to finally save my sanity. I had closure this time. 22 years total involvement with him D&D me years ago, 5 year split with intermittent contact and then 3.5 years ago back together because he had been diagnosed with cancer and all his other NS had abandoned him - I was going to make him better!!! But I was more aware/alert this time round and had had therapy. Last saw him April 2011 and virtually no contact other than trying to re-gain my possessions. No luck so far but reaching the stage of "keep it" as I can't be bothered with the games. I am truly sorry to hear about your mother and know just how traumatic it is (both my parents died before I was 25)but am glad to see that you were able to heal your relationship and that you were given time together to say everything you needed to say. You had closure in a respectful, peaceful way for each other. I too have been through 2 recent family bereavements (both sisters - I had 6) and know how important it is to show those suffering how much they mean to us. With my eldest sister (died 4 years ago), my other N sister (yes, I have since realised that I have at least one in the family) didn't allow me to grieve her appropriately because she kept on and on about the injustices of everything and projected all her stuff back at me which kept me stuck. With my other sister, I chose to deal with her long illness (breast cancer at Stage IV from the outset) and death back last February, in my own way and not allow my N sister to overwhelm me and I have to say that I have now been able to grieve both my sisters and am at peace for them. Still terribly upset at times but, at peace. Again, closure in a tranquil, peaceful manner and being able to come to terms with it. And I too feel that having gone through what I did with my sisters finally made me aware that the ex was not worth my love because there is so much else that I needed to focus on and more worthy of me. I finally got my closure and got back to ME. So, closure in any aspect of our lives is tantamount for acceptance and that's why most people here have issues with the ex-P/N's mentality of no closure and which keeps us spinning and ruminating. They are just emotional vampires so we have to break the cord ourselves in order to heal and move forward. It's not an easy path but it is so worthwhile. Dee x

#17 Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #23)

Syren66 (not verified)

Hi Dee! Oh Gawd...the

Hi Dee! Oh Gawd...the MOTHERS...that subject needs its own forum! I'll delve into that abyss in good time...she was a real piece of work. Cheers!

#18 Oct 11 - 11PM

rosedewittbukater

Laying him out with an emotional brick

Do not, I repeat, do not feel bad about this! I pretty much laid it all out with xN in a fairly scathing yet dignified letter. There was no way I could have walked away without doing so. I would either still be stuck in the living hell that was my "relationship" (and I use that term very loosely) or would be permanently stuck somewhere else that I don't want to be. Sure I still struggle and have my bad days (and nights) like everyone else, but without speaking the truth (I can be sarcastic at times as well)there would be absolutely no closure for me. I've never been this pissed off either. Congratulations on rebuilding your life!! You sound like one heck of a strong lady and you are inspiring!! Thanks, Rose

#19 Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

Syren66 (not verified)

Thank you, Rose! And yah, I

Thank you, Rose! And yah, I felt at the time I had to get this out of my system and pummel him mercilessly or God help the next poor gent that tripped across my path. I feel after having done that, the garbage that is him has been deposited in as undignified a manner as possible on the curb. And I can now move on to the next relationship having slammed the door on that creep. I don't want my future relationships to be marred by him in any way. Narcs don't have empathy...but I didn't do what I did to appeal to his conscience, knowing full well he doesn't have one. I did what I did to damage his ENORMOUS ego...in the words of George W. Bush...."Mission Accomplished" :)

#20 Oct 12 - 12AM (Reply to #18)

susnebraska

NARC & FAIRY TALES....Fact or Fiction

To mine, of 5 years. I did TRY to appeal to his conscience, knowing he has none; a little. I poured my heart out in texts, and emails after a D&D...involving an OW - ugly duckling. And now, on occasion, I send a couple brief anonymous texts gushing with love thoughts. Little did I know, that the initial response to NO CLOSURE breakup caused collateral DAMAGe - a MAJOR BLACK EYE - AN ENORMOUS ego wound. ADDED BONUS, TO WHICH I was unaware. Thank you for pointing out that. 'buy 1 get 1 free' courtesy of me - that special lady. I am suffering bad, bad, bad 2 months 11 days in from the seemingly final D&D. I say "seemingly." because I still have hope, even though no signs are present. I still wonder if he will have a "COMING TO JESUS!" An epiphany. Moment of Zen... I am true believer in LOVE. The connection we had was miraculous. He can't be all that bad? I wonder. I am not going to give up hope, at present. But I am still gonna work on ME and moving on: losing weight, building my business, meeting new people, experiencing new adventures, and doing what I want to do when I want to do it! I am open to meeting quality guys. On a side note, the best place, I found to LOOK at them, is an outdoor custard shop. Tee hee. I was sitting there with my girls, after ballet class, and good guys kept coming by ordering custard. One after another:) Now back to the Epiphany - I hope with starry eyes that the forever reunion occurs with my ex narc. Still, I KNOW the final answer, the continued NARC Disappearance may be -goodbye forever. If so, then I will accept it. I have asked for guidance from the Universe and GD. U think I am in Denial? Maybe. I am Not 100% sure of the future that is, yes, in the NARCS hands - still. Time will tell. With that said, I am a believer that while a man can be a NARC, he is NOT EMOTIONLESS. He may realize his 43 years old, and still without a partner. In fact, all of his relationships post divorce broke up, in a manic way. This one, me, she was special. I took her for granted.... Fairy tale ideas get me into trouble.

#21 Oct 12 - 12AM (Reply to #21)

susnebraska

The Fog - Post D&D & Reconciliation

Get this. 2 months 11 days. D&D. No contact from him to me. Plenty from me. Ugh. Yes, I was/am addicted to him. But I KNOW he was addicted to me. That's what makes the OW factor - not important. A distraction from being unhappy ridiculing, controlling, being full of rage after I spotted what's underneath the mask. So, the D&D. Pathetically & in a rush, they run, run, run to any vagina-carrying new supply - to run away from the deep feelings that he had for us. Duh. Yes, we fucked with them...especially if together for 5 years. There is no human on this earth, even a NARC, that doesn't feel something. Usually it's 2 emotions: anger and orgasm. So, what I am saying is that NARCs do feel, albeit they are void of the full, normal range of emotions and intensity we live with. They, the NARCS investment in emotional relationships is like taking a decent dose of valium to numb feelings. They're not that DEEP. With that said, even a bad breakup, bothers the NARC. I am of the opinion, that quality new supply doesn't come around often. That the hurt little boy may grow up and take responsibility. I have not lost hope on my ex NARC yet. If he comes to my door, since I blocked his texts, from calling me, on facebook, and everywhere - I have an ACTION PLAN. He can not enter my home. No sexual seduction allowed. The chat will occur outside my front door, hands crossed, Skeptical. And I will make him BEG.. I mean beg, beg, beg. There will be a major gift, involving jewelry, perhaps a car, flowers, tears, a trip enticement. He will ask me to marry. To which, I would roll my eyes in disgust. I would make that mother trucker suffer....big time....if he came back...After all, He has a shitload of work to do to prove to me - he's sincere. That means - kiss my ass. Yes. There will be individual and couple's counseling on a regular basis for months, if not years. Narcs don't kiss ass. Well, if my EX NARC wants me - he has to prove his undying love. Me, myself and I - deserve it. My ID, EGO and Superego. Pretty good plan.....Don't you think? Keep you posted.

#22 Oct 12 - 12AM (Reply to #19)

Syren66 (not verified)

I am so sorry you are going

I am so sorry you are going through this...I'm sorry anyone has to go through it. I guess we all have to reach a saturation point in our own way and our own time. It's our nature as humans to be optimistic...otherwise, we woulda been extinct as a species eons ago. I wish you the best, but at what point will enough be enough? 5 years is an enormous investment and I know you don't want for it to be for nothing. You want for it to have meaning when to him, it means nothing. I had to face that reality as well when I was 6 years in...at 7 years, I was done. You'll reach that point in due time. Just don't beat yourself up when you look back on history that is today and realize you knew all along he was not fixable. Please repeat this to yourself often: "His mental stability is not my responsibility". A relationship is quid pro quo...meant to enrich one another's life...ask yourself this question...do you want him to come around because you can't accept that you're not "the one" to him? (hint: to him, HE is "the one" and no one else). You've invested a lot of time and I think it's totally natural to feel you should have some special status to him...he screwed around on you...if that guy were only half as loyal to you as you are to him, I'd say yeah, give it another go...but from what little you've already posted here about him, odds are not good. :(

#23 Oct 12 - 12AM (Reply to #20)

susnebraska

Re: Odds NOT Good

I agree Syren66. Odds not good. He was a scheister. But you know, I was the moral compass to him. Let's be real. Some people have difficult personalities. I ain't so easy either. Not to say that being verbally abused at times, was ok. But I always wasn't so even emotioned. I still believe one can have an epiphany especially at age 40 or so. Even a NARC. I don't know. Mistakes can be forgiven. You know that feeling of being alive. I mean ALIVE with a man for so long. Sure there was bad. But the SPARKS. Fireworks? That's one of a kind. One time in my life. I'd rather have the sparks, then have none. Most relationships have none.

#24 Oct 11 - 10PM

Layla

I can relate!

I ended up getting an order of protection against my ABUSER and kicked him out of the house....it's been only 4 months No Contact for me but I too, had been detaching emotionally months before he got "the boot"....for me, the "no contact" part is not so much a struggle, because that God awful abuser had outworn his abusive welcome in my life, and as I have stated, I was already detaching from him. I do have days of sorrow, but not for him. For 8 years lost.....for 8 years of putting up with crap I thought I would NEVER put up with....but I did, I put up with his abuse and bullshit, it was all me.....but the day came....and I hit my bottom....it wasn't his most spectacular bullshit that prompted me to kick him out, it was just the final hurrah for me. And that was that. I, like you ended our days together with my abuser saying some nasty things in defense of myself....I see now that was all useless anyway....these jokers have no feelings, no empathy....in no way will I ever apologize to him for reacting badly to his abuse. I was in our marriage FOR LIFE. I was committed. I was loyal. I am and was a "good catch"....just like most every woman and man here is....these morons don't pick the bottom of the barrel....no, heck no, they want the CREAM, after all, they think they are God's gift to the world, and only the best will do so you see, all of us here are the best of the best...not in a narcissistic way of course, after all, there are reasons each one of us continued to accept the CRAP these assclowns dished out to us, and it is up to each of us to find out what that is, and fix it, and heal, and move on...... Alright, it's almost 10pm here in Chicago, off to bed for me in a few, have to stop rambling and get in bed! : ) love~ Layla

#25 Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

Syren66 (not verified)

I'm in Chicago too, Layla! :D

I'm in Chicago too, Layla! :D In most cases, I think you're totally right about them accepting no less than the brass ring as far as companionship goes. But my ex was the inherent contradiction to that theory. He has always targeted women who had a certain "trailer park" tinge to them. As his homicide detective friend told me once...'that guy likes his women uneducated and easily controlled'. I'm the total opposite of that stereotype and that will befuddle me until the end of time...I'm so not his "type" it's not even funny! Night hun! :)

#26 Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #12)

Unfreakinreal

Seriously. What is up with

Seriously. What is up with the guys in this city? My bet is, they are all Cubs fans.. My kind of town... :) Sorry, I'm still kind of upset over the demise of Q101. Find your umbrellas ladies, rain tomorrow. Nighty night.

#27 Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #13)

Syren66 (not verified)

Especially the ones who wear

Especially the ones who wear badges and guns in this city...seriously though, I have a theory about not just guys from Chicago, but guys from all large urban centers...it's an entitlement mentality that seems to prevail. Cradle to grave 'you owe me' attitude toward everyone and everything. I was raised in the western US...night and day difference, trust me.

#28 Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #14)

Unfreakinreal

I never met anyone who felt

I never met anyone who felt their life was so bad when in reality, he has it MUCH easier than most. Talk about a sense of entitlement, when he was representing the department in New York, the NYPD and FDNY thought he was rude and arrogant. Makes me sick, using such an admirable occupation for his own personal gain. Everything about him makes me sick lately. Ugh.

#29 Oct 11 - 11PM (Reply to #15)

Syren66 (not verified)

Yep, absolutely the "victim"

Yep, absolutely the "victim" at all times...the asshole who spent more time getting ready to go out than I did...who could never drive with the windows in the car down, because it might mess his perfectly placed hair up. Whose food had to be "special order" at all times to his specifications. Who couldn't have the vent air blowing directly on him in the car because it "dried his eyes out"...who was the walking personification of a hypochondriac....I literally referred to him as Fred Sanford, as often as he clutched at his chest, convinced he was having a heart attack. The guy was a total softball.

#30 Oct 11 - 10PM

dulcinea441

I unleashed a foul torrent on

I unleashed a foul torrent on my ex when I'd finally had it with his cruelty. It, too, was the product of pent-up rage for having given myself devotedly to him for so long, only to be slapped in the face and have my loving heart and humanity cruelly rejected. It's completely normal to do this, to take pleasure in the moment of release and to feel bad afterwards. It's not who we want ourselves to be; we hope always to be our better selves and to be lowered to such a point of rage and despair hurts not only the target of our rage, but ourselves. Unlike them, though, we do feel remorse. I did send my ex a long, apologetic letter afterwards, but to him the tone of my letter, whether cruel or conciliatory, really seemed to make no difference. I realized that he had set me up as an "enemy" and an "evil" person in his mind long ago and could not grasp that my rage, though genuine, did not equal the entirety of my feeling for him, or that my apology, though sincere, was anything other than another perceived "manipulation" on my part. I am still sorry for having sunk to that level, for having enjoyed wounding him, but I have forgiven myself, and so should you. You did the best that you could for so long and are only human, after all.

#31 Oct 13 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

Susan32

Rage

When I raged at the ex-Psych prof, I put it in such a nice, sweet way I felt ZERO remorse afterwards. He timidly said "STOP SMILING" because I showed my pleasure in his obvious narcissistic injury. I had apologized to him earlier FOR TELLING HIM I LOVED HIM-and I was way too sick and tired of CONSTANTLY apologizing. I was tired of faking remorse towards someone who callously toyed with my feelings. Who enjoyed seeing me crazy. Who would've enjoyed seeing me suicidal. Once I realized that he WANTED me suicidal over him, I ENJOYED wounding him... and I feel no remorse for it. I clothed my rage in such sweetness&kindness (I used a voice I use on toddlers, high-pitched&condescending) that an ordinary person wouldn't think it was rage. A passerby would think I was being REALLY nice. A spoonful of sugar makes it go down, doesn't it? In the most delightful way.

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews