1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. All About Him Forum
  5. A wakeup call

A wakeup call

6 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jun 11 - 9PM
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

A wakeup call

Is anyone else finding that some of their friends have abandoned them during this whole ordeal?

I have realised that people I thought were my true friends have dissapointed me, and people who I barely know at all have been the ones who have stepped up to the plate.

I have a friend at the moment who is getting married and I am in the wedding. I did not tell her about problems with the Narc or that we had broken up for weeks. She never asked me those three words "how are you?" She could see me struggling but continued to ignore anything that wasn't wedding related.

I had not heard from her for weeks unless to perform bridesmaid duties for her, I even asked her if I could take her out for her birthday and she brushed me off because she was too busy with wedding planning. I have tried to talk to her numerous times but she is so caught up in herself. She called me last week out of the blue and I realised the only reason she called me was because she was having a bad week. The only reason she ever comes to me is if she is having a bad time and needs me. I told her about the Narc and ending things and she asked me why I never told her. It was fairly clear to me she has never asked.

Since I have told her she has continued to rub her wedding in my face, showed me love notes her fiance has left her, talked about how wonderful he was, broke plans with me because she realised they had somewhere to be and has basically made me feel like shit.

From this whole experience I have realised that I have not only let the Narc make me feel the size of a match box car, but I have let friends use and abuse me.
I am tempted to tell her to go and shove her friendship...but being the person I am I know I would feel awful.

I am ready to cull all of the people in my life who have let me down during this time. I feel like to move on with my life I don't need these people around me. I no longer want to be there as a sounding board for friends when they leave me high and dry in times of need.

Do you think it would be justified to tell her how I feel? Or endure the bullshit for a few more months until the wedding then walk away quietly?

Jun 12 - 5AM
adoette
adoette's picture

Puzzle

Ugh. I hope you can make it through the wedding (with your spray tan...she's not the boss of you) and then move on. I know planning a wedding can be all consuming, but apparently she has failed to keep things in perspective and she is being an insensitive dolt. You're shedding yourself of one life sucker, I'm guessing your tolerance for such behavior will be lower now that you've seen the light. If deep down you think the friendship is worth salvaging and she is just going through a self-centered stage, wait her out and eventually tell her how things have felt to you (after the wedding, probably). If you know that this relationship can't be saved, cut your losses and leave with your chin up and a smile on your face. When we are recovering, I think we take a good hard look at other areas in our life and I think this is beneficial, but it can be hard, too. More power to you as you continue to figure out who to rely upon and where to draw your strength. (((hugs)))
Jun 12 - 1AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

half serious

I agree these situations make us re-evaluate alot of core relationships and circumstances in our lives. Treat the bride to be as if she is a narc...speak rarely and quietly, don't surprise her, excite her, or irritate her, and then go total nc after the wedding. Lol
Jun 11 - 9PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm really sleepy so I'm sorry for the brevity

But wanted to re-assure you that it is very common. It seems that romantic NPD relationships are not the only ones we attract and we become keen to this when undergoing this NPD ABUSE recovery process. Some of it could be attributed to our higher state of sensitivity which is legitimate and earned; however, in a lot of cases, we kinda clean out Multiple closets. Hugs!
Jun 11 - 9PM
beamoflight
beamoflight's picture

hmmmmm....

Did you ever think that your situation may scare her? Are you certain her "relationship" is all glowey and wonderful? Who is she trying to convince you-- or herself. When I planned my wedding I was all consumed. I became a total bridezilla. then I became a newly-wed-zilla all consumed with our new house and then I became a pregnant-zilla. My point is I was unhappy. I didnt want to face it so I was perfect to my guy but bad to my friends. I dont know what I did it for-- looking back I think it was because if I kept thinking it was perfect-- it would become perfect. Now? I am divorced and getting over my ex-n (not my exhusband-- two different guys). I say just chalk it up to "she's selfish right now" and then I would slowly fade away after the wedding. If you say anything now she'll probably just say your jealous and it will more than likely go all bad.
Jun 11 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Puzzle
Puzzle's picture

Thanks beamoflight. She is

Thanks beamoflight. She is just making me feel like a total freak show. She is not normally like this. I have been there before for her a few months ago when she thought she had a terminal illness and she said to me you have made me realise who my true friends are and this is why I want you in my wedding...Only to turn around a few months later and not be there for me when I need her to be. I feel like reminding her of her own words. You are right. I won't do or say anything I will just distance myself and after the wedding no more trying with her. I don't really need anymore confrontation or drama, you are right. Thank you for your advice. I think she is happy, her soon to be husband is a lovely person and treats her well. I just think that she could be a little more tactful right now. I know this is important to her, but I feel like the last 6 months have been all about her. I am ready to scream at her. She even told me I wasn't allowed to have a spray tan for the wedding because no one was allowed to look browner than her. Her wedding is in the middle of winter and we are wearing backless dresses and are all very pale. She has turned into a total fruit loop. I think she will wakeup one day and realise she has no friends. The thing is this girl has been single for years and all the time I was with my ex I never made her feel inferior, I was always there for her, I never ditched her to spend time with my ex and she used to always bitch to me about friends who let her down, or friends who were getting married who never had time for her anymore and she confronted them about how she felt and told them they were being horrible. I know she would tell me if she felt this way. However I often say nothing and slowley walk away...It is just hard to do when a wedding is on. I really don't feel like being a part of a wedding right now and I don't think she is sensitive to that.