URGENT! Support needed!

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#1 May 4 - 3PM
Swan
Swan's picture

URGENT! Support needed!

Tell me again why I shouldn't see him this weekend?

He is hoovering me and I have been basically NC with the exception of important stuff related to finances/bills etc that he emails me about. He is actually being really respectful of my no calls, no seeing rule but the emails, he is hoovering me with business first and then emotional stuff always included. I posted on that before but now, he has to give me something ($ related that I NEED) and well, I was wavering last night and this morning about seeing him this weekend. "Oh what could it hurt Swan?" I am feeling a little better now, but I need someone to tell me again why I shouldn't even see him to exchange something. Tell me! I have no friends or family and my person that was acting as my support system by daily emails/texts/messages only lasted two stinkin' days and then he bailed on me.
Hey, no wonder I found myself in the arms of a Narc.
Anyway HELP ME!

May 5 - 6PM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

think of him as a addict he

think of him as a addict he is saying anything to get you to give him N supply. look at how pathetic he is without it like a junkie about to lose his damn mind.
May 5 - 3PM
carol24
carol24's picture

He's on his best behaviour.

Hi Swan, I think he's on his best behaviour at the moment because he can see a strength growing in you and that frightens him. He is sensing how independent you have become without him. Witnessing your strength and happiness will confirm to him his worst fear - that he's not irresistable or indispensable. Being forced to recognise this will be making him feel very uncomfortable with himself. He will be hoping to see you in order to restore the inbalance of NS which is causing his discomfort. It's all about making himself feel better. I would say that the reason not to see him to exchange something is that by doing that you would be giving him what he wants/needs to make himself feel better and he doesn't deserve to get that from you after what he's done. I also think that it could set you back in your recovery which would be such a pity, especially as you say in your post that you are "feeling a little better now". By agreeing to meet with him you would be giving him another opportunity to let you down and I think it is likely that he would do so as soon as he has got what he wants/needs from you. If this happened then you would surely regret having seen him. It sounds to me like you've been doing very well lately and you mustn't allow him to hinder your progress in any way. Stay strong, put yourself first and do what is right for you. xxx
May 5 - 11AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Swan...

Okay, I've re-read this...and I understand you are going through a divorce? That means there is at this point a separation the establishment that contact isn't welcome other than whatever needs discussing? I am not clear if the divorce has been final but either way... You said: He is hoovering me and I have been basically NC with the exception of important stuff related to finances/bills etc that he emails me about. He is actually being really respectful of my no calls, no seeing rule but the emails, he is hoovering me with business first and then emotional stuff always included. This is a contradiction - he's either being respectful or he's not...you say he's emailing then throwing in emotional, that is manipulation - so I don't see too much respect here, so I'm led to believe that despite working on this, a lot still isn't clear because you'd see the manipulation and would not have given him ANY credit...again we don't have to Hate them...but we need our eyes open and when they are open we can see RIGHT clear through them. MANIPULATION...^^^ I posted on that before but now, he has to give me something ($ related that I NEED) and well, I was wavering last night and this morning about seeing him this weekend. "Oh what could it hurt Swan?" AND let's be honest - whatever it is can be mailed or wired, so what or why do YOU think you were rationalizing seeing him then asking yourself what could it hurt? I am feeling a little better now, but I need someone to tell me again why I shouldn't even see him to exchange something. Nope, you know this answer Swan...tell us why you think this is a bad idea? Tell me! I have no friends or family and my person that was acting as my support system by daily emails/texts/messages only lasted two stinkin' days and then he bailed on me. Double whammy! Sorry to hear about that - sometimes people are jerks - stick to the board...you did the right thing coming here even if you don't like the delivery of the message I do mean well... Hey, no wonder I found myself in the arms of a Narc. Anyway HELP ME! I think that given this amount of time, there is some type of trauma bond. I am not a professional, but I've seen this play out a lot and I think I had some kind of "pull" despite what I knew. It wasn't until I owned it that I was able to realize what the reality is...do you feel you "own" the reality or just know it. Is it in your gut yet who and what this man is? Hugs!
May 5 - 11AM (Reply to #33)
Swan
Swan's picture

michele

Yes, we just started the divorce process. He stalled that for months. I ok'd emails as a form of necessary communication FOR NOW but no phone calls and no seeing each other. He is being respectful of what I set as boundaries. This hoovering in the final paragraphs of emails goes unacknowledged by me. I just don't comment on any of it. My "what could it hurt?" was me thinking it would be a quick exchange in a public place minutes or seconds long. Then I thought "why risk it?" so I nixed that plan in favor of 'send it to me at work'. He was fine with that. I have been in therapy and know all about the trauma bond, the whole Stockholm Syndrome thing and have really come far in my progress. I do know exactly who my Narc is. I know that while he is being nice in the hoovering, it will only take a split second for him to revert back to the abusive b@stard that he truly is. It is typical behavior for him to switch in seconds with no warning. I know this. Give me some credit. I only posted for reassurace, something even the most confident of people need from time to time. Maybe I shouldn't do that anymore.
May 5 - 12PM (Reply to #34)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Swan

I'm not quite sure then where you need the re-assurance. You say that you know all of this and you don't have to justify why you posted, it's a support forum. We go through this the ups the downs and the questioning...everyone has a different style of delivery and I'm not sure where I may have made you feel uncomfortable about posting - but I'll back off of this and leave the door open. Sometimes even with the best intentions people can rub us the wrong way. My backing off is not an indication that I don't wish to communicate with you but I'm getting a signal that my "delivery" is making you feel uncomfortable and that is the last thing I want to do. Whenever you wish, feel free to contact me via pvt message or a shout on the board. Hugs!
May 4 - 7PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Swan

Do what you gotta do. I know what will happen and deep down you do too. Sometimes you need more than one punch in the gut before it really hurts. We will be here no matter what you choose. Hunter
May 4 - 9PM (Reply to #31)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

My therapist said mine was

My therapist said mine was like a hanging cuticle that I just had to keep picking even though it hurt like hell. And you keep doing it until the pain outweighs any pleasure. And at that point you finally let it heal.
May 4 - 8PM (Reply to #30)
HopeAgain
HopeAgain's picture

Hunter

Yep...I need so many punches I could've been Mohamed Ali. My mother used to say if he stabbed me in the head I'd take him back. The final punch was confirming the relentless lies & the cheating. Then I was done.
May 4 - 6PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Swan...

First, let me ask something...where do you think you are in terms of recovery? What step? I note you've been here six weeks. That is still VERY early - and to be completely honest, it took me a LONG time to get to NC so that is not what I am having a challenge with when I read your solicitation for help. I do want to ask you however, what do you know of this Personality Disorder? What led you to this board? Did you find the initial circumstances alarming enough to seek "support" for what I assume at the time was shock, extreme pain, maybe even trauma? AND finally, what do you think the harm would be? I don't think you need twenty some odd people on a support forum to remind you - I think you remember well enough WHY this would be insane... I think you need to figure out or what would be more helpful with "healing" is: WHY you would now engage in a campaign of illusion this time of your own doing. Initially, when we are stuck in the web, it's easy to be confused, and very much glued in the illusion...we are brainwashed, gaslighted, cluster fucked and until we are AWARE we don't get it. It does take some time to "own" this I agree, but you at this point know the "facts" of the illness. Note: I did not say "own" the facts, simply "know" them. I am a smoker I "know" smoking causes cancer - I keep buying the cigarettes and smoking them. That makes me a dumb ass - and also an addicted one. In the case of the Narc though, it's all mental, his existence does not run through my veins like nicotine does...what I'm saying here is we have to get a little firm with ourselves too...we have to make a decision about what we want in life. We have to decide we want to stop doing the same things and expecting a different outcome...we have to do the work...and we have to accept that we can't polish a turd. The day we decide to call ourselves "in recovery" is the day we get real and decide that from the point of saying goodbye to the narc whether he said it or we did...any "illusions" that take place from that point forward are the ONES WE create. Hugs....
May 5 - 4AM (Reply to #27)
Swan
Swan's picture

Michele

Thanks for your concern Michele. To answer your questions: I have only been here on this site for a few weeks yes, but I have been in couseling for over 2 years trying to get myself healthy to the point where I could leave him and stay gone. I came here for support after I officially filed for divorce b/c I knew he was going to be tough- either hoovering me bigtime or abusive and scary and I needed immediate support rather than waiting for my counseling sessions. I have done the reading and researching for over 4 years! I know about N. I know about his other disorders too. I am well informed as to what he truly is and isn't. No rose colored glasses here. As I just posted on another thread: I wasn't even considering going back to him. I was just considering seeing him in person to get something. It caused me so much anxiety (over will he abuse me or be fake-caring?) that I got my answer. "Nope, not gunna see him. Not worth this turmoil. Figure out another way" So I did. I don't want this monster in my life. I left him for a REASON. Actually for many reasons. Just wanted to clarify that point. That being said, I know how sick I was and continue to be because of his treatment of me. I am doing much better but I still have a long road ahead of me. I am not fooled by his empty promises anymore but I do know that he is hurting. Whatever that means to him, he is in pain. I wouldn't pretend to think that his kind of pain and a typical healthy person's pain are the same. His pain is all about him and him losing me, not as a person but more superficial kinds of things about me like what I did for him, what he gets from me etc. Its not about ME. Its about who will do for him now?? So I am a newbie here, but I am not a newbie to this mess. This is my first REAL round at NC though. This time feels different-my body doesn't react like it used to. Now my strength comes from within. She isn't that almighty powerful and strong yet, but that strength inside is getting stronger and louder every single day. I never would have imagined myself being able to tell him that I left him BECAUSE OF THE ABUSIVE WAY HE TREATS ME AND I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THAT ANY LONGER! And he took that. Without hurting me in any way. I don't fall for his sick love puppy stuff anymore. It gives my heart a twinge, but that twinge is getting fainter by the day. I am on the right path this time. I just need some outside forces reinforcing my inner strength from time to time. I got hurt and was quite weakened by his abuse, so I need some positive support from time to time to help my self esteem come back and be stronger than it was before the NARC. Any thoughts on what I said michele?
May 5 - 10AM (Reply to #28)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Swan

It sounds like it's been a long journey for you - and when I would have some kind of contact with the narc I too would get all these bad physical symptoms...it was the body's way of screaming "Danger" I note you said that for the most part he's not "challenging" you so to speak and I get needing certain things money whatever - but even if and when you are past the "trauma" if that is how you would define it the bottom line is nothing really justifies coming in contact with an abuser. Even more so, if one is convinced that the root is based in NPD as they really can't change. So when we try to "reason" what would it hurt - it would hurt a lot...we're reminded of the abuse - they say and do things that trigger us and it pretty much takes us back a few steps and for no reason if it is something that could be avoided. Given the time you've invested in the relationship, given the fact that you've been through a divorce and all that comes with that I surmise it would take some time; however, I noted you said you "needed" something from him -the only advice I could give is determine if those needs can be legally established and sent via mail so that you don't keep ending up in situations where you end up flirting with the possibility of seeing him because of something you "need" that isn't healthy and quite frankly while not in your situation - I note you mention his pain and as a victim, as someone who's been abused I would think you could give a flying bird about his pain...what about yours? I understand you've been "hurt" and that is "pain" but have you gotten "angry" in any of this? It sounds to me, just from what I'm reading - and I could be way off base but that even in this midst of it there is some "control" over emotions but I am not sure if I'm reading this right. I'm not suggesting you now become a stark raving mad lunatic - but it seems like you know certain things but others aren't quite real yet...to you as I would think that once one really understands the CRAP they have been dealing with, the abuse, the mind games, all of it most (not all though) would be really pissed and want nothing to do with it...there doesn't have to be hate but it seems like on some level you're still giving him some kind of credit for decency? Would you mind sharing some more because I'm not really understanding. I can't view your original post so I am going to close here but may respond to it as now that you've shared some more I have some more questions. Hugs!
May 4 - 6PM
heritage
heritage's picture

Anyone have to deal with

Anyone have to deal with this? He didn't treat me right at parties. He acted like he didn't want me there. it was bizarre. I went to his 5oth and he ignored me the entire night. He was in his glory because the party was thrown for him but he didn't come near me once and I can only schmooze other couples for so long. He comes up to me when he's ready to leave so I didn't speak to him on the way home and a dear hit his brand new mercedes. Sometimes I wonder. When we would go to college football games and people in the crowd would talk to me (I am attractive and social0 he didn't like it so he would punish me and tell me he wasn't taking me to the next home game and if I wanted the tickets he would tape them to his front door. Nice huh? Complete ah!
May 4 - 5PM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Swan

I've been going through my Narc coming back around and it's really messed me up in the head!! It's hard not to listen to them when they are PRETENDING to be that man you first met and fell in love with. I'm much better at seeing through it now or I'd be right back in the same boat I was in 6 months ago! I've been reading because this always puts my mind back on the right track!! I found a few things I thought might help you too! Do not underestimate the narcissist. He will want to come back and wait until the most convenient time to pop up back. Some narcissist depending on how harrowing and bitter your break up was will wait until they think you have gotten over their misdemeanor and atrocities. They will return without offering an apology or explanation. They will search you out and when they find you. They will devour and leave you wounded again. The narcissist will withdraw to the shadows and resurface when the time is right. When he is assured that you have been healed. He will come back when he thinks that you are just on the edge of getting over him. If it takes him several months or several years, he will come back to get the thrill he wants. The thrill of conquering, controlling and annihilating your sense of self and personal opinion of your own worth. If his narcissistic supplies runs out, rest assure, he will be knocking at your door but do not let that man back in. Do not take their word for anything. They have an unparalleled ability to lie to your face, even if evidence is right there. They will rationalise and make up excuses: they garner their skills to talk-the-talk when under pressure. Don't ever take them back a second-time. They will do it again. Swan.....I hope this helps. If you go back to him you are starting all over with the healing process. Stay strong!!!!!
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #24)
Swan
Swan's picture

yes sara

It does help. It helps a lot. That's what I needed to hear tonight from all of you and you didn't disappoint. I will rest tonight knowing that there's no way in hell that I am going to see him this weekend. I will rest knowing that I have accomplished another successful NC day. :-)
May 4 - 5PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Go for it, get together with the Narc Swan!

Get together with him, get hurt, get dumped, and you will remember why you shouldn't see him!
May 4 - 5PM
heritage
heritage's picture

Things back

He won't give me my Burberry pocketbook or Burberry wallet or cookbooks back which are at his house. I meantioned using law enforcement in an email to him and he didn't respon. Have not spoke to him since the discard in Jan. Any suggestions? Thanks.
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

dentalas

he is using them as hostages, my suggestions, either let them go, let a friend get them or call law enforcement, do not go there yourself..
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
heritage
heritage's picture

Right, I definitely would

Right, I definitely would never go near his house. he treats me like a criminal as it is. I will use law enforcement. He's pathetic hanging on to women's belongings but I guess it's his weapon. He looks very childish to me. I hate him.
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

dentalas

Ready for a laugh, I spent 15 years with the exnarc and last summer he wrote me a letter if "I stepped on HIS property, he would call the police and get me for stalking and thats a felony and would add tresspassibng charges to me" I am a little, petite,harmless woman, WHAT is he so afraid of???????????????They are childish, 2 year old toddlers actually in the guise of MEN...........
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #20)
heritage
heritage's picture

OMG! He sounds like mine.

OMG! He sounds like mine. Always threatening me with cops. Wouldn't even let me into his garage. He's a dentist and I wanted all of my records to give to my new dentist so I went to pick them up and he had his office locked during office hours and the sec came over, unlocked the door and handed me my chart. I was such good friends with her, but they work for him and he told her how to treat me when I came by. I said to her "ReaLLY, i know you work for the man, but you don't have to take his orders on how to treat people. I'm not a criminal." They are immature and they look like the jerks, not us. he smeared me to office staff. he did the same to his ex wife. treated her like a criminal.
May 4 - 6PM (Reply to #21)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

dentalas

your comments to his secretary were right on target, it is sad so many people are so fearful of their jobs she could not even be nice to you. Narcs must be so afraid of themselves,NOT US,maybe deep down they know what rotten human beings, with apologies to humans, they are!!!
May 4 - 5PM
Steph
Steph's picture

If the THOUGHT of seeing him

If the THOUGHT of seeing him this weekend is causing this much distress and questioning within you....imagine how you will feel if you DO actually see him this weekend. That's my reminder for why you should remain NC lol Stay strong. xoxo
May 4 - 4PM
Swan
Swan's picture

already done!

I often put sticky notes of inspirational quotes on my bathroom mirror. Two that are permanent is "love doesn't hurt" and an article about how to tell if he is changing or not. I have a bunch up there now and parts of Allys post are on the way up there. If anyone ever broke into my house and went into the bathroom...they'd run away fast thinking "this chick is nuts" :-) They give me something to think about as I blow dry my hair!
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
Steph
Steph's picture

Swan

"If anyone ever broke into my house and went into the bathroom...they'd run away fast thinking "this chick is nuts" :-)" I used to carry a copy of a list I made of all the abusive things the n did to me...just in case I started missing him, I could pull it out and regroup. I often thought too.....crap, if I ever lose my purse and someone finds this, they will think I am NUTS! lol Hugs to you:) Stick to NO contact, you are definately on the right track! xoxo
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
Swan
Swan's picture

thanks SS78

I have a journal in my computer detailing a lot of the hideous things he's said and done to me over the last 5 years. I told a therapist that if anything ever happened to me, tell the police to check my computer for my journal. How sick is that? And even sicker, I stayed with him and kept filling my journal!!!
May 4 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
Steph
Steph's picture

That just shows that even in

That just shows that even in the midst of being brainwashed....some part of you kicked in and over powered him, on some level, you were looking out for yourself inspite of him.
May 4 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Swan

a woman after my own heart, smart! You are right, love does not hurt
May 4 - 4PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Swan

Print out what Ally wrote about NC and use it as your mantra, you replied to it as well, that might help
May 4 - 4PM
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

Swan

I am not familiar with your story (but will check to see if it is on the shared forum). However, DON'T DO IT is the best advice that anyone on here will give you, you know that deep down. The very fact that you are on this site tells me that you have been badly hurt, and it won't have a good outcome if you see him. Believe me, I tried very hard to remain friends with the Narc after D&D, but his behaviour towards me didn't change, apart from the fact that he witheld any outward affection. Every time I saw him, he would say how much he was looking forward to meeting up, but then he would sabotage it either by looking for a fight over some trivial event, or by criticising me, analysing me until I got upset, then he got angry that I was upset and I was the one to apologise. Time and time again. Don't get back on the merry-go-round, it will make you very very dizzy. Hugs
May 4 - 3PM
7yeaeritch
7yeaeritch's picture

I'm writing to you so you'll

I'm writing to you so you'll hear something quickly. You shouldn't see him this weekend because you will wake up Monday - this Monday or one Monday next month -- hurting all over again, starting all over again. You'll remember all the wonderful things he said to you this weekend and cry because you'll realize they were lies; you'll feel used because he will have used you. And you've hurt enough already; you decide not to let it happen again. You feel alone. Feel me hugging you and having felt what you are feeling and understanding. Feel everyone on this board understanding and having felt what you felt. Wrap yourself in the care we feel for you. (And you can get the money through a 3rd party or something, I bet.)