Update on my life...

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#1 Jul 29 - 3PM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

Update on my life...

Hi all.

I haven’t posted in a bit. It’s been two weeks NC. Although the longest I’ve ever gone is 34…so I have a ways to go. We officially broke up 5 months ago, so lately I’ve tried really hard not to focus on it. I’ve been going out with my friends a lot, and socializing.

I guess what is really hard for me right now is feeling like I am criminalizing my ex. How can I really diagnosis him as anything? What if I just brought out the worse in him? What if I am just making excuses for my behavior?

I wish my self esteem wasn’t so shot. I literally feel like I will never get a guy to love me for me again. I don’t miss my ex so much, it’s more the idea of him I miss. The idea of finding my soul mate and not having to date again. I don’t know why my mind wants me to feel depressed without him. I was crying all the time with him!

I just worry so much there are things wrong with me, and I will realize when I date another guy that I will bring out the same behaviors I brought out in my ex. My best friend is acting the SAME way she did with her old boyfriend with her new one. So, what if his actions didn’t cause me to act clingy and mistrusting. What if I will always be that way?

Aug 3 - 6PM
sarahb
sarahb's picture

what if?

I am glad you posted, wondered how you were. Yes what if? WHAT IF you act the same way as you did in this N relationship but in a relationship with a normal person? And what if it goes completely differently, and much better? I am sure it will! You then may really come to understand that the problem was not you or anything that you did!! I mean, WHAT IF you are the same person and act the same way and the NORMAL person thinks it is cute and endearing??? Loving behavior leads to security in a relationship. Unloving cold narc behavior makes us think we are abnormal and riddled with issues and problems. for example, with my normal husband, when we were dating, I totally freaked out when i thought he had stood me up, and it was all a misunderstanding. he did not judge me for freaking out, not at all. I think he was flattered that I cared so much. My point is: even if you are insecure (which you probably aren't, you probably just wanted to be treated well and haven't been), the right HUMAN person is not going to judge you for that. humans act so different from narcs, don't assume it will turn out the same way with a human or that you will have any of the same problems. i am 99.9% sure that you will not.
Jul 29 - 3PM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

You're Not To Blame

One of the best pieces of advice I have read is to NOT ignore our feelings. As much as we want them to go away we have to look to our heart and deal w/them...pain and all. I know how you feel about finding your soul mate. We thought we had but all they did was take our soul. We need to get it back! I'm 52 and have always believed in soul mates and I have to face the fact I may never find mine. That scares the shit out of me! I feel like I have soo much to give! There is nothing wrong w/you! Look into your heart and soul and find YOU! NOT what you think someone else should see but what who YOU want to be and then GO FOR IT! I soul searched in my 20s. I'm now doing it again now. If I died tomorrow what do I need to do now to know I'm the person I WANT 2 Be & how will I be remembered. We have to live w/ourself first.
Jul 29 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
better off
better off's picture

There is no such thing as a

There is no such thing as a soul mate, IMO. Believing in that almost ruined my life two different times. I'm not saying you can't have a strong committed relationship with someone, but the entire idea of the one true love, blah blah, is a fantasy, and beware anyone who says they are that fantasy. Some kind of fantastical mystical union with another person is probably really an unhealthy, enmeshed disaster where two people have no boundaries. So yeah, you have a lot to give. You do! But you don't have to find some kind of magical man to give it to. Shit, in most societies for hundreds and hundreds of years, most people didn't even have the OPTION of marrying for love, and we, I think, put mystical soulmate true love as some kind of actual goal to have in life, like getting a Master's degree. Or maybe I'm just being really cynical today...
Jul 29 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

I agree

And, I am dating a really wonderful guy post-N-ville. I love him dearly, we have fun together and have common interests, have chemistry, he's kind and loyal, etc. But I no longer believe in the big cosmological drama like I did. As I look back on it now, that was a symptom of enmeshment, and my permission to lose myself. In this relationship I still struggle with some of the old issues (putting others' needs before my own, etc.) but what is definitely different is I feel whole and distinct as my own person. That took some getting used to. I was sad to lose the piece of myself that believed in soulmates, but now I realize it was just time to see things through different eyes. Life is still wonderful, even without that gauzy veil.
Jul 29 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
narcdx3
narcdx3's picture

Burnt by my soul mate

My N was my best friend. We told each other everything. We weren't dating just talking and sharing. Eventually he 1 day he put SM in his text. I had to think about it and text him back and said I don't get that. He said o your a smart girl you'll figure it out. I thought for a long time then remembered he had called me his soul mate because we had so much in common and didn't even know each other as we were telling it---we both have IBS which is an awful issue to have esp if you are shy as I am. I get an urge and I mean I have to go so dating has always been an issue. We worked together and I wouldn't eat due to fear of sudden diarrhea. He pops up and says oh you too so we spent an hour talking about that(crazy I know but ppl that don't have it think your nuts when you say----I HAVE 2 GO NOW) so of course I was all talky---theres a red flag he took that ball and ran with it. I know now that he took clues from me and built on them but at the time I didn't realize I was giving so much info out. I'm a laid back chick---old T shirts with holes, hair in a mess just me at home. Now at work or in public---hair and make-up always. I'm a stay at home chick--couch, pillow movie. I saw facebook pics of him on boats partying etc so I should have know he was a liar but when he said, "I love laying on the couch in wore out clothes just lounging---blablaba" I fell for it that he must be my SM. GAG!! Every time we would see a similarity he would say see your my SM. After the D&D that I was denying I was on vacation and he text me to see what I was doing. I said eating fresh peaches, he said oh my favorite fruit. I said mine 2 imagine that---well no reply. He was done he didn't want me to think of him as his SM anymore. He wanted me to be his toy when he needed/wanted but SM sure wasn't in it anymore. Yep I won't ever fall for that crap again!!!!