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Tryintoheal's story

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#1 Mar 3 - 12AM
Tryintoheal
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Tryintoheal's story

Hi, I'm new to this site and I'm having a very hard time accepting the total rejection and cut off my narcissist has shown me. When I met this man he was beautiful, caring, helpful and seemed to have a lot of depth and showed me a lot of attention. Within months, the lies started to come out and it was very obvious whenever his ex needed him, he would run to her side, of course he said he did this only for his son. I tried to understand this and be compassionate, but later I found out she had again decided to stay with the guy she left him for and that is why he came back to me.

When I found out he was lying I had a grand mal seizure which I have never suffered before. During the time we were split, he even went to a swingers party and had sex with two women at once. I didnt find this out for over two years and it wasn't by his admission. For years I've endured lies, I found a list of prostitutes in his work bag, he's abandoned me nearly every xmas in 9 years & at special times of the year and kicked me out of our rented home numerous times when his father was coming to visit with his son. He has also gone as far as throwing my things down the stairs onto the front of the property.

His father and friends don't like me as N has told them so many one sided stories and has never admitted to the abuse. They all think I'm crazy. His father is a misogynist cross dresser, N's mother left when he was 6 years old and his father said she would never see the kids again due to her cheating. His mother ran away and never came back and his father was also able to enlist the help of N's mothers parents to take his side. He then lived with them and the grandparents basically raised N.

Each time he has treated me badly I have stayed away, then once his visitors leave, he is back on at me begging me to return and once even said if I didn't return he would let my beloved show horses out on the road. He then apologises and I loved the man I met so much that I've gone back hoping he has learned that his father is no good.

12 Months ago, I left for good, bought my own property and this is when the changed man really came out. He would get me to come and visit them saying his father and sister had visited the state and not even visited him, which I know to be true. He has told me he has been to a counsellor and she explained to him that his family are not decent and kicking me out for them wasn't decent either and he's sorry. He went as far as saying, he has finally woken up and they will never dictate to him again and he wants to see me and finally have a life together. I would go and see him, he would treat me wonderfully, cook me a meal, tell me to relax and choose what

I want to watch then he would get his sex and hardly even bother about me for the next couple of days or call me the next day and say, "I just called to say hi, got to go now". No talk of the night or anything he feels, nothing. I would get angry over knowing I was being used and tell him to leave me alone.

For years he has treated me like a sex toy and I have done things that I'm not proud of, I became like a porn star, anything went but it never involved any other people, nor did he ever ask me to be with any other people at the same time. For the last six months I have begged him to be good to me, to love me, open up and that I need intimacy not to just have him fall asleep on the couch and then want kinky sex once we go to bed. He has not contacted me for 8 weeks now sine he got his last night of sex, I have begged him to talk to me, left messages on his voicemail, texted him and nothing, its like he's dead. I only managed to get him to call me once when I texted him saying I would give in and he could live with me on my property but I needed some answers and his father wasn't welcome there unless he was going to treat me with respect . He replied by text saying he wanted to talk, but still made me call him. He still sounded very detached and a don't really care attitude, take it or leave it. I asked him why he thinks he can offer nothing emotionaly to me, have sex with me, tell me he loves me during it and then doesn't consider my heart and feelings. I also said I feel like you just use me and I never ever thought he could be capable of that. He started to laugh and say thats crap. I told him it wasn't funny and I was so upset I told him to figure out what he wants and ended the call.

I haven't heard from him in two weeks and when I called him today he has cut off his phone, changed jobs and moved without telling me where he lives or works. It was like he finally decided if he wanted a life with me he was going to have to admit some truths and become a better man. After 9 years, who is this person, I am totally devastated and he has blamed all of this on me. I feel like I've suffered terrible abuse and he just disappears and abandons me completely. How could he do all of this to me? I'm thinking he must have met another or needs to hurt me as I bought my own place. I had no choice, he kept kicking me out and I couldn't afford bonds every time I had to get a new property to rent.

Please help me, I feel like I cannot function but I know he's gone forever. He knows where I live but has never been here once, he refused to see what I had bought. I cry every day, read everything I can about Narcissism but cannot apply it to my own situation. He can be so loving, fun, warm and affectionate then If I ask for anything concrete or any form of loyalty or courage, he's gone.

Dec 7 - 3AM
Hunter
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Sound like a nice guy and

Dec 7 - 4AM (Reply to #41)
Tryintoheal
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Hunter

Dec 7 - 4AM (Reply to #42)
Hunter
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I'm getting old.. I thought

Dec 7 - 4PM (Reply to #43)
Tryintoheal
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No problems Hunter

Dec 6 - 9PM
mustmoveon
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Thank you for your update

Dec 6 - 9PM (Reply to #39)
Tryintoheal
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You are half way there

Dec 6 - 8PM
Tryintoheal
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Looking back

Dec 7 - 3AM (Reply to #36)
brinamarie
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tryintoheal, thank you for

Dec 7 - 4AM (Reply to #37)
Tryintoheal
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Brinamarie I totally agree

Dec 6 - 10PM (Reply to #33)
Alissa
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Tryintoheal, thanks so much

Dec 6 - 11PM (Reply to #34)
Tryintoheal
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To Alissa Thank you

Dec 7 - 10AM (Reply to #35)
Alissa
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Thanks so much ,

Mar 8 - 6AM
Tryintoheal
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He contacted me by email

He told me he left because we fight, wishes me all the best in my life, he's going interstate to be with his son and start a franchise and told me goodbye my love. He also said he changed his number as he didnt want to fight anymore and cannot be with anyone else for a long time. I didn't reply and I'm going to leave it at that, I don't want to know anymore. It doesn't matter, all that matters is I start to heal and find new life on my own for a while, you can't make someone want to be with you, I've learned the hard way. Thanks to everyone for helping me reach this stage. hugs xx
Mar 8 - 8AM (Reply to #27)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Tryintoheal

BLOCK HIS EMAILS!!!! he's full of crap, I'd bet he already has a new victim. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 8 - 8PM (Reply to #28)
Tryintoheal
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Barbara

You're probably right, doesn't really matter anyway, the bottom line is he let me down and it doesn't matter what he's up to anymore, just that it's finished.. Thanks
Mar 9 - 12AM (Reply to #29)
Barbara (not verified)
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tryintoheal

I AM RIGHT!!! NO CONTACT!!!! you will not heal this way. BLOCK EMAIL BLOCK CALLS, TEXTS, IMs RETURN ALL MAIL-BOXES-FLOWERS 'DELIVERY REFUSED/ RETURN TO SENDER' If you accidentally pick up a call - The MOMENT you hear his voice - HANG UP! CHANGE YOUR NUMBER(S) IMMEDIATELY ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 9 - 6PM (Reply to #31)
Tryintoheal
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Its sinking in

I realise now the courteous email was sent just in case he feels that he wants to reconnect in the future. Up until now he discarded me, cut off the phone and wasn't interested in how I feel, explaining anything or trying to show one bit of kindness. I'm being played, just in case he wants to come back if the business falls through or things do not look as rosy as they seemed to him. I've had it, I've just disconnected my cell, got a private number and blocked his email address, facebook and changed my username on ebay. This is the very last time he will ever do this to me again, I am desperate to get this man out of my system once and for all...I'm too good for him and he doesn't deserve me or my love. This is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I know it will be the most beneficial thing I've ever done for myself.
Mar 9 - 3AM (Reply to #30)
Tryintoheal
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Barbara

This man wouldn't send me flowers, call me or anything of the sort, he's done with me. He's been talking of the franchise for a while now, he's going ahead to another state and all his friends, family and his young son is there who he has always been very involved with. This is the type of N that loves $$$, much more than people and he sees dollar signs with this franchise. I know what you are saying but this is the final discard, I've read about this with N's. No further use for you. But I will take your advice and block him, change my numbers, I know it is the only way and you are right, I'm not going to heal until I know there is no avenue for him to ever crawl back in ay crack even if that is years down the track. I read all about your psycho boy too, wahl, he is one piece of work.
Mar 8 - 7AM (Reply to #25)
ForeverLearning
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Hang In There

I think it's awesome that you did not reply. Good for you!!! Healing and getting back to normal is a process that takes time. Not having contact with him is the biggest part of the process. No contact helps bring clarity and perspective to everything that happened. I hope you never reconnect with this man so you will NEVER risk being treated the way you were, which was awful. The good news is hopefully once you are healed and so much wiser to these Personality Disordered men, you will never fall victim to one again, and your next relationship will be a healthy one of honesty and mutual respect. Keep busy and keep reading all you can around here. Knowledge is power and brings peace. All the best to you!
Mar 8 - 8PM (Reply to #26)
Tryintoheal
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Forever Learning

Thanks Forever Learning, I won't reconnect with him again, I'm exhausted from all of this and I need to rest and recuperate. The only way to do that is to have no more dealings which I am now ready for. I've had enough, I don't care what he's up to anymore, he's free to do whatever he likes as long as he's not hurting or dismissing me any more. Someone else can have it... Hope you're doing fine xx
Mar 3 - 4PM
TexN (not verified)
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Just like many of us...

You try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honey, it is what it is! They are narcissists & unless you want to live that rollercoaster for the rest of your life, be glad he's gone. We've all yearned for our "pretend guy". We've all been so lonely at times, we'd rather wish him back then be without him...but then we come to our senses (or we go for another round with our narc), just to find out its exactly as it was when you left him the last time. Be strong & drill it in your head....HE WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! Life is too short to waste on these ugly men!!! Know that u are not alone on this journey as we all share your exact pain....
Mar 4 - 6AM (Reply to #10)
Tryintoheal
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I became like him and I feel so guilty

After being subjected to constant lies, sexual betrayals, humiliations, silent treatments that went on for weeks and being kicked out of the house every time I stepped out of line or demanded an explanation. If I cried to show him how much he was hurting me,he didn't care, he became even more rageful. If I tried to talk, I couldn't calm him down, I became a verbal abuser. Although I was scared the anger that welled up inside me sent me into crazy abusive lunatic mode. Then I would feel guilty and crawl back to him apologising for the things I had said. This is the weapon that he has used against me to finally discard me, cut me off including his phone number and tell me that no one would ever marry me, Im abusive, Im no use and he doesnt love me anymore. I now feel that I'm the cause of his abandonment and that I might be a narcissist. I feel so guilty and everyone that he knows has only been given his side of the story which is that he was a complete and utter victim. He told me he had admitted things that he had done to his family and friends but he hadn't and they all think I'm a nutjob psycho. I feel like I'm going off the deep end with shame and guilt and the fact he cut off his phone was to show everyone that I'm the problem as I was looking for some sort of closure and him to admit some of the things he has done have caused major trust issues in our relationship. He just went on saying, "its always me isn't it, Im the blame of everything, you are the abuser". Now he has discarded me. I'm so heart broken and looking like a complete fatal attraction.
Mar 6 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
Tryintoheal
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Never withheld sex

I've been reading a lot of posts here that say their N's withheld sex. Mine never withheld sex, he was sex mad, swingers, prostitutes, girls from work and wanted to have sex almost every night an during the day on weekends. Only in the last year, he started became impotent and required viagra injections to maintain an erection. I put on weight so I thought thats why he needed the viagra, I'm so confused about all of this. Also, now that he has moved on to another supply, do you think he will have the same problems with her? I've been doing really well but I do obsess over this stuff, thinking maybe he wasn't a N? I've read N's can have sexual addiction, I'm just really confused. Or is it that I became like a Madonna and he needed a whore type again? I can't stop thinking about all of this and how easily he discarded me after 9 years. It hurts so much but at least I cannot contact him and drive myself even crazier now that he has cut off his cell and moved. I know everyone says it is the best thing he has done, but it hurts like hell and I feel so humiliated like some piece of rubbish not even worthy of a decent goodbye or one tear.
Mar 7 - 1AM (Reply to #20)
Barbara (not verified)
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Tryintoheal

Also, now that he has moved on to another supply, do you think he will have the same problems with her? YES!! Women are just warm plumbing to them, objects, a blow up doll with a pulse. They are SICK SICK SICK!!! http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/11/other-woman-now-hes-happy-her I've been doing really well but I do obsess over this stuff, thinking maybe he wasn't a N? I've read N's can have sexual addiction, I'm just really confused. Or is it that I became like a Madonna and he needed a whore type again? Madonna Whore syndrome in Ns isn't cut & dry - it manifests differently. Yours sounds almost SOCIOPATHIC which is N squared. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts GET INTO COUNSELING WITH A PTSD COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THIS BECOMES PERMANENT FOR YOU!! You did ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG!! NOT. A. THING. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 7 - 2AM (Reply to #21)
Tryintoheal
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Barbara

GET INTO COUNSELING WITH A PTSD COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THIS BECOMES PERMANENT FOR YOU!! Ive attended 3 therapists offices and all they have ever told me is im codependent. They dont understand, thats why I sent you a post last night asking if you knew of any counselors that deal with this issue online to suit the Australian time zone. I live in Outback QLD, im two hours from the nearest city and work in the country too. I'm having problems finding one that will understand my issue. I was just asking for clarification so I can understand all of this madonna whore thing.
Mar 7 - 2AM (Reply to #22)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

see if The Institute has someone for you!

http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/counseling-ctr/a-path-to-recovery-start-here ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 7 - 2AM (Reply to #23)
Tryintoheal
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Thanks Barbara

Hi Barbara, Thank you so much for the link for the institute, they have telephone coaching so that should do me fine. In the comfort of my own home too. Thanks a lot, I've also read your links that you provided, its not about me, I'm just another victim of this man and reading about the new woman helped a lot. Thank you so much!!
Mar 6 - 10PM (Reply to #18)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I Feel bad

for your pain. And I so know the obsessiveness. There are 2 types on N's - somatic ones and cerebral (intellectual) ones. Yours was a somatic narcissist - as I understand it - they stay focused on the sex. It sounds to me like your was just having problems from overdoing sex - getting older getting burned out - they do get ED - even the somatic ones and then they still focus on sex even when cant get it up. Your gaining weight had nothing to do with his not being attracted -somatic ones are into sex with all types and if he felt your gaining weight humiliated you he would have like it even more. He got bored, you were more taxing to him as you wanted more intimacy, he was probably having physical erectile issues for various reasons. The point is his lack of interest is NOT ABOUT you - you are a sexual, exciting lady and did so many things to please him that way that I bet he can get very few to new women to comply with. It's so hard not to take these things personally - I know! Mine is a cerebral one. They tend to be the withholders. They focus on their intellect. They can be way into sex in the beginning but as soon as you are hooked they withhold. For instance mine hooked me with only lurid sex talk on the phone and that was enough - then told me he couldn't pursue a real "affair" as he was still married (even though saying he and his wife were separating). it's not the sex per se cerebral ones are into - they are into only using it for a lure to get you reeled in. Then it is a drag to them as they only like the chase and see it as a maintenance thing - like paying insurance on a car. Barbara can probably comment/clarify best on this. Mine is very seductive sexually but then into frustration for his prey. Hang in there and keep reading and reminding yourself what a piece of s*** he is!
Mar 6 - 10PM (Reply to #19)
Tryintoheal
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Wallaby

hey, I just posted to you at the same time you posted me, strange! Yeah I think you're right, a lot of people have said that to me, he is burned out from not being able to get enough. I know I was very into him and tried most things to keep him interested. Silly me. I was reading Sam Vinkins site about Cerebral and Somatic narcissists, he loved sex but in the end I thought it was about him not being into me. I guess he's on mission now to find his erection again and if what you are saying is right, its not going to come back very easily and he will probably learn his lesson. Or maybe not!!! I didn't know yours was withholding sex and saying he couldn't have sex due to his marriage, please excuse my ignorance in my post to you. I thought you were running away so he didn't get his chance. I'd drop this dude, sounds like he truly is in love with himself and couldn't love you the way you need.. Your morals are very high, I'd keep those intact. Hugs xo
Mar 4 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
Nothanx
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Anger

Like you I became the "crazy" wife. He would pick and poke and embarrass and twist my words (and memory) to the point of total breakdown! He would push me to the point where all I had left to defend myself with was lashing out, both verbally and physically. I have NEVER hit anyone in my life, but I would get so frustrated and cornered that I would just start hitting him. He has never hit me, but he would trap me in the bedroom, say something that he knew would send me into a fit and then when I was all fired up he would not let me out of the room. He would tell me "your feisty, I dig that". He kept me in a state of constant turmoil, and then he would tell his "dream girl" that he was being abused and that I hit him. So just know that you are not alone, and that I totally understand. It makes no sense and I don't think it ever will. As awful as it sounds I am glad now that I hit him, because it shows that even during the worst of it I was fighting for myself (and my sanity).