Tryintoheal's story

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Mar 5 - 5AM (Reply to #14)
Tryintoheal
Tryintoheal's picture

Felt the anger subside today

Today I felt a lot better for the first time in ages, I know I will have bad days and good days, but reading all of the posts and information on this site alleviated a lot of my pain today and gave me aha moments. I can see my exact experience in so many others stories and the sadness I felt reading what some of these heartless characters have got away with makes me see my own situation a lot more clearly and from a more detached point of view. I see now that his abandonment of me is the best thing that could have happened and I'm going to try stepping out into life and surrounding myself with good people that I can trust to regain my faith in life. This is the first support group I have ever joined and it is just such a relief to find a place to read and discuss our own personal stories together and support one another. This is a fantastic website and the advice is clear, precise and thoughtful. What a bunch of educated ladies!!!
Mar 5 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Thanks and same to you!

Having you here helps us too, I guarantee it! I'm so glad to have your input and insight here, you have alot to share with us too that can help us. After 9 years in Crazyland, you are actually an expert on alot of this stuff, you just might not have known it. It's just a matter of sorting it all out, everything you have observed and experienced in your past relationship, making sense of it from the "It's All About Him" perspective, and turning it into positive shared knowledge, that can help others go from bewildered, to knowledgable and wise. Knowledge is power. And, knowledge has brought me alot of peace. God bless you and hang in there. Healing is sometimes a bumpy ride but it sure beats what you were doing for the past 9 years, I can promise you that. : )
Mar 6 - 3AM (Reply to #16)
Tryintoheal
Tryintoheal's picture

Thanks Forever Learning

Wahl, I never thought about it that way, crazyland has brought me a lot of experience but the help Im gaining here is really confirming what I thought was true. Within a few days, I'm starting to feel a whole lot better, I know I have a long way to go but I think I feel more peaceful knowing that's he's not just going to pop again ever or at least in the near future. I really do need some time to get some distance and feel my own psych come back a bit. I keep thinking who is this person he's with now but then keep reminding myself that I should feel sorry for her, even though she probably thinks she's met the greatest man possible. I can't stop getting on here, obsessing about finding all the information I can to relieve the pain, but I was able to put it all down today and get out in the sunshine and build some fences with my stepfather. Both my father and stepfather are wonderful caring people as well as my mother and stepmother. They all get along so well and I thought, gee my family are not screwed up like his, I have genuine people that I can turn to as well as some good friends and the new friends I have met on here. I'm going to be OK. God bless you too!
Mar 4 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
dysenchanted
dysenchanted's picture

Yes, This

"Although I was scared the anger that welled up inside me sent me into crazy abusive lunatic mode...... I now feel that I'm the cause of his abandonment and that I might be a narcissist." I'm just beginning the process of healing from this myself,so I don't have advice. I just want you to know that I hear you, and you are not alone in feeling this way. I'm going through something very similar. The relationship with a disordered person definitely brought out the very worst in me.The difference between them and us is that WE hold ourselves accountable for our actions and feel remorse when we behave badly. They don't.
Mar 4 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I experienced the same thing - acting badly

And it confused me for so long in my marriage to a N - he would drive me so crazy and I would lash out and even call names which I had never done before. I called him an idiot, a**hole, loser etc and I would feel so crazy both for his behavior and then thinking because I reacted the way I did that I was actually the messed up one. He still thinks I am a nasty Bit** - and nothing could convince him otherwise. As Dysenchanted said - This is the difference - we always take blame and feel guilty about our behavior (as you have). They DO NOT. This is why you are not an N! The thing with them is they will say or do the things that make you the most upset as it is a predatory instinct. He wants you to feel exactly the way you do-so throw it off -it is not you, it is him - we are all driven to feel, act, behave in ways that feel foreign and bad and we feel ashamed about. I have lost it screaming at him in front of my kids which makes me shudder to think about - and he sort of smiled knowing he got me- and my son really did have to reevaluate in his mind who was the disordered one. And then I got involved with another even more pathological N - but now NO MORE N's for me!!!! ALso they scramble your brains so when you lose your temper or fight back I think we are often not articulate or able to make sense of what is happening so it makes us look crazy.
Mar 3 - 3PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Classic Narcissist

This is exactly what I was thinking as I read your story, that this sounds like a CLASSIC NARCISSIST. This man has treated you like dirt for 9 years. Don't feel alone. I lived through something similar for 14 years. And that is by no means the record around here. There are many who have done hard time to the tune of 25 or 30 years or more with a Narcissist. And it is hard time, just like prison pretty much. I developed cancer at the 8 year mark. Anyways, if you are thinking that your man is NOT a narcissist, that just means you need to keep reading everything around here, until it sinks in. And of course, he very well may have a bunch of other mental problems too, it sounds like he also has sex addiction problems, just to name one. He is clearly sadistic. I'd say he's possibly a Psychopath, -(they have no conscience) - because he does not call you or communicate with you after sexual encounters, for one thng. That's pretty cold. And, to also deny that the way he treats you is 'crap'. It is crap. He can't see it or won't acknowledge this fact. He is not human -Narcissists just arent really human. His brain is broken, it cant be fixed. But there are other guys out there who dont have broken brains. Normal guys, who dont get off on hurting you emotionally. Wouldnt it be NEAT, if you eventually gave one of these normal guys, who dont have broken brains, a chance to get to know you someday? (after you heal yourself, of course). Another problem is, the longer you hang around this guy, the more his being warped twisted and dysfunctional, rubs off on you. You forget what 'normal' is. Because its not normal for someone to ruin every Christmas for the past decade (happened to me too). Its not normal for someone to constantly throw you out into the street and render you homeless every time their cross dressing freakshow women hating father is coming to visit! (thats an interesting combo, by the way). Its not normal to not communicate with someone after sex for days on end, until they finally want sex again. That just sucks. Don't feel alone, the good news is, you are not the only one to go through this WEIRDNESS with a man who has a broken brain. And, to have to deal with not only this Narcissist Psychopath himself, but also his crazy brainwashed dysfunctional family helping him twist the knife in your back a little further - yikes. How much more of your precious life do you want to waste living in Crazyland? We are all trying to make our way back to 'Normalville' around here. You are welcome to join us on our journey, we wish you would! Your experience can eventually help others, perhaps that is part of your destiny here on Earth. To eventually turn this horrible experience of yours into helpful insight and advice for others who are just emerging from this kind of living hell. You deserve to experience peace and authentic happiness in this lifetime. Don't you think that is what God intended for you? Certainly God did not intend for you to suffer at the hands of this man the way you have. I wish you all the best and please follow Barbara's advice, you need therapy to detox yourself from the decade you just spent in Crazyland. God bless you girlfriend! You can do it!
Mar 3 - 10PM (Reply to #8)
Tryintoheal
Tryintoheal's picture

Thanks ForeverLearning

I really appreciate your kind words, I know I need to get my head around the fact that he certainly didn't care about me at all. The hardest thing to accept is why someone would choose to hang around in your life for 9 years using you when they could have just moved on to another victim.I know my self esteem is very low, I cannot understand why I still love him and am so hurt that he is gone forever. I was just hoping for some kind of remorse at the end, some sort of closure. At least if he has cut his phone off that means he will not be back and this ending is the last. As Barbara said I can finally start the healing process and in time feel normal and good about myself again. I also gained 20kg's (sorry i live in Australia) and have gone from a petite woman to a very curvy one. I feel ugly and fat and feel that this is why he left me as Im not sexy enough anymore. I' gained thee weight from being on depression pills for three years and I'm still on them to sleep at night. It hurts more than anything Ive ever experienced. I appreciate the time you took to reply to me, it matters very much. Thankyou x
Mar 3 - 10AM
dysenchanted
dysenchanted's picture

Tryingtoheal

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You've a found a good place, and a good group of people here. I understand what you mean about having trouble applying what you are learning to your situation. It's very hard to accept that you have been in a relationship with a pathological person. They show us what they want us to see, they use our ability to feel as a weapon against us. We are raised from birth to give them the benefit of the doubt, to make excuses for them, to be "good prey". Read and post here. It's one of the very few places where you can find poeple who really understand what's happened to you. ((((Hug))))
Mar 3 - 8AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome Tryintoheal

Yours is a classic Narcissist... right down the line. You may not believe it now but be glad this predator is gone. Now you can start to heal, recover and regain your life. - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY. - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing Get a hold of a copy of Lisa's book (Link in the Right Column) Our Recommended Reading List http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/14/recommended-reading-victims Please read ALL the Rules prior to posting on our Boards, as well. - listen to our free radio show - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim You MUST get into therapy with a Trauma Counselor ASAP. It takes about 18 months to start feeling better from the mind control & seductive hypnosis these creatures do. Don't date before then. You will need ongoing support & help from a professional. We are all here to listen. We have all been there. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 3 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
Tryintoheal
Tryintoheal's picture

Thanks for the welcome

Hi Barbara, Thankyou very much, I will look into the therapy that I need and I will read up all I can on the suggested links you noted. I will keep posting here and Im so glad to have found some ladies that have gone through the same things as myself. Thankyou for reading my post. Cheers
Mar 3 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Nothanx
Nothanx's picture

Defining the weirdness is hard!

I am like you in that it was really hard to determine if my ex is a narc or something else. He had so many of the symptoms, but his behavior was hard to pin point. I kept thinking...well, he does this, but he does not do that, or...well, he seems so sorry and sad maybe he does have empathy and he is just really messed up. No matter, the bottom line is that whatever he is, he is mean, demented, and dishonest. In a way if he really is gone you are lucky, because I think it is a much harder process to get rid of feelings if they keep coming back and confusing you. If they keep coming back it is like starting all over every time they force you into contact. Each time he texts me or traps me at my door or drives by and honks I feel thrown back into the pit, and I think to myself this damn 18 months of healing is just never going to freakin start! He knows just when I am feeling better, and that is when he strikes!!! I wish you the best, and I really do hope he is gone and done with you so you can begin your wonderful, peaceful new life.
Mar 4 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

So sorry for you

To be involved with such a twisted N and his father too. Yikes. You have found the right place - Lisa's book, other similar books and lots of therapy are the only things I have to thank for regaining some sense of peace. As to why your N did not move on - you wonder why he stuck around for 9 years - well its easier to use an established supplier of his high (you) than find and train a new dealer. You will learn that guys like him seek the easiest route to their drug which is attention from and control over another (their narcissistic supply). And I doubt you have heard the last from him - so your job is to get strong in the quiet time so when he does show up like a bad penny you can maintain your distance. Think of it as a godsend he's broken the contact for now. It is the easiest way to get perspective and shake off some of the trauma bonding that occurred (a term I just learned thanks to Barbara and you should google). All the best to you and (((((hugs)))))) Oh And I too debated the "Narcissism" diagnosis for a long time (like Nothanx)... and as soon as he would do something nice or give me a present, ask how I was doing etc. I would say..."no couldn't be...". Spent about a year finally accepting that he is a N - and they all have their unique fingerprints.
Mar 4 - 3AM (Reply to #4)
Tryintoheal
Tryintoheal's picture

Discarded after 9 years

Thanks Wallaby, your information is great, my mom keeps saying the same thing, it is the best thing that he has now gone and cut contact. I actually think he is gone for good this time, but I will always heed experience and google the trauma bonding you have mentioned. It feels so peaceful just to get these feelings out of my troubled heart, the pain is hardcore at times and any relief is welcomed. I understand what you're saying about him not moving on sooner, although I think he had affairs that I didn't know about. I will look at this time as a godsend as you mentioned and try to have more faith that the world doesn't just contain people like him. I left him back in September and as doing great, then a present arrived for my birthday along with 35 phone calls, I eventually gave in as I'm the sort of person that always thinks, gosh I wouldn't like that done to me, but he has no heart and no ability to think like this. Within a month I was discarded again as more visitors were arriving. If you have any other advice, I'd love to hear it and thanks for the hugs. Hope you are doing well too, you sound like you have had your own struggle and come so far. Hugs to you too!!