Topic of the week/Do the actions match the words?

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Mar 1 - 4AM
finallyletgo's picture

prettypeeved..same here. exn

prettypeeved..same here. exn tried to hoover but when i asked him what he wants from me was all the same...he said let things happen naturally and he cant make any promises..its amazing that he was acting as if he had this profound reason as to why he was begging me to unblock him..its all about jsut usuing us as a backup and feeling in control...they are compete deceptive evil selfish jerks. mine will give up too difficult and non compliant..but he is just saying that its me being insecure and not letting things doesnt work anymore buddy. glad they will give us for all of us
Mar 1 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
Trulybroken's picture

My blood just ran cold..... I

My blood just ran cold..... I went NC with my ex and when he contacted me, I asked what he wanted and he said "to be friends" I at first said NO, then I agreed once my therapist and I thought it may be ok since she thought I could heal from it. He was in recovery so I thought I would give it a shot. Then when I started to get the mixed msg'es, I pushed about what he really wanted and he said "let things happen naturally and he cant make any promises and no expectations" My reply was "You mean, wait and see if your new GF doesn't work out" Course he denied this! He didn't fool me! I knew he was "hunting" and just needed me around to boost his ego. That's why I finally confronted him last weekend and he lost his marbles and I told him "no friends, no nothing, leave me alone, you're are sick man" the end! narc or not, men who tell a women this is playing her big time!
Mar 2 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
prettypeeved's picture

Yep, they change their minds

Yep, they change their minds constantly about what they want. In the end I clarified exactly what I was talking about (as in him apparently wanting to restart a relationship) and asked him to do the same - and all he would say was "Are you proposing something to me?"
Feb 28 - 11AM
prettypeeved's picture

The word/action mismatch was

The word/action mismatch was the first thing I began to become aware of. He's still doing it now. He's trying to hoover by being all friendly and nice on another forum, but actionwise...well, no apologies, no attempt to do anything other than manipulate me into thinking he's changed now. It's just a matter of time until he gives up, no doubt.
Feb 28 - 10AM
MandyM's picture

My biggest problem was that

My biggest problem was that the words and actions would constantly trade places. He'd tell me he wasn't looking for anything, didn't want anything serious, but then he'd constantly call, constantly text, wanting to know what I was doing no matter if I was at work, on vacation, sleeping - he couldn't leave me alone. He helped me move to another state, helped me get started in my new job, all totally of his own volition. He'd demand to know why I hadn't invited him to one of my work outings, or my father's birthday party, when I'd been trying to respect what he'd been saying, that he didn't want to feel like he was being roped into a relationship. And then other times he'd talk about how "this could really be something," how cool he thought I was, how much he liked me, he'd confide in me about stuff going on with his family, but then he'd not answer my calls, take forever to call me back, refuse to see me. I had no idea which end was up. I couldn't even use the "actions not words" guideline because he kept switching back and forth.
Mar 1 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
ally2375's picture


This was exactly my experience also. I kept trying to see if there was a pattern for the, day of the week, who knows?! What I did notice was the the words and actions never seemed to match, even though they switched places. One week he wasn't ready for a commitment but he would call and text me CONSTANTLY wanting my time and attention, the next week he missed me and needed some quality time, but he was nowhere to be found.
Mar 1 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
Journey's picture


This is exactly what I experienced. It truly is a mixed up perspective when the view is constantly changing.

Journey on...

Feb 28 - 8AM
mystwoman's picture

This is so true. I've had a

This is so true. I've had a problems with this. I've been trying to retrain myself since the D&D to stand back from people, and watch what they're doing versus what they're saying. You are absolutely correct, there frequently are large gaps between people's words and their actions (especially in xnh's case). This was definitely a huge red flag with xnh that I should have paid attention to (and didn't). My taking him at face value certainly bit me in the butt for the next 16 years. What he says, and what he does are definitely two entirely different things. Great post!

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Mar 1 - 4AM (Reply to #11)
Goldie's picture

Seems so obvious now

They seem to have a way of intoxicating us with their flowery words and promises. I am amazed today that I could not or did not want to see it at the time. The con was good, it was designed to lure me in and keep me confused and guessing. I guess I just did not want to see what I did not want to see. Definiately a loss of innocence for me, I am no longer that little girl so willing to believe what I cannot see and the hope that no matter what, everything will be fine. NOT, a little older, a little wiser, a little more in touch with the realities of the world. I have taken off my rose colored glasses. Bittersweet, yet I feel more in control and more able to have discernement with people today. Goldie
Feb 28 - 5AM
finallyletgo's picture

goldie- its so true that it

goldie- its so true that it is very important we do that. everytime i would read abotu watching their actions and not their words it made so much sense i started to see that all they were is words..mine and all the n's all of us deal wiht. im sad that we all had to go trhough all this but its good that we were able to learn to look to see if others are actions words and behavior do go in line with one another. i know for me i have started to do that and has made my hoovering experienced much different. i think God gives us an internal alarm system too. if not only do they actions and words dont mix but that you can sense that something is not quite right no matter what they say or do i think that is helpful for me. when n came back recently he begged me to unblock him and seemed like he had something to say but it was all the if youdo what your down, sit back watch observe listen you can really see a toxic manipular or pd for what they are. i think that is the gift we all got from all this. thank you for starting this great and helpful post
Mar 1 - 4AM (Reply to #9)
Goldie's picture


Such a positive wonderful way of looking at this, finallyletgo, looking at how we have benefited by this as oppossed to only seeing the bad, and there was certainly plenty of that. I too feel like my inner voice has been strengthened by all of this and this is a good thing, and yes there was a huge price to pay for this wisdom, so noone can say it came easy. Yet, it makes us better and stronger to enjoy the rest of our lives with an inner voice to keep us safe and protected from this harm ever happening again or if it does we will be able to get out much quicker. Goldie
Mar 1 - 4AM (Reply to #8)
Goldie's picture

Yes, trust our instincts

That is such a big part of this, learning to trust and believe in ourselves. When that little voice inside says that something is not quite right or too good to be true: TRUST IT AND BELIEVE IT and run for the hills. We have these instincts as women for a reason and we need to trust them no matter what anyone else says. Goldie
Feb 28 - 5AM
finallyletgo's picture

nancy that was a very helpful

nancy that was a very helpful post and so true.
Feb 28 - 5AM
nancyh's picture

Your actions are so loud I can't hear you

I remember saying to him, "your actions are so loud I can't hear you." Yes, yes, & yes there was a tremendous amount of inconsistency between his words and actions. It was a HUGE red flag to me and I remember at the time being confused by it but conveniently ignored it because of his words of love - I believed him, I wanted to believe that the beautiful words he was speaking were the truth. The following are examples from my journal that had to do with the inconsistencies: "He just seems so frustrated with his situation but seems like he does nothing to change it." "I wonder if he has ever followed through on anything (he had said)." I never shared this with him but it helped me to write it down & now it is a constant reminder of my anger, frustration and uncertainty at the time - "Stop the madness. You ___ are not a victim. You are the reason we broke down & apart. I was consistent in all my communications. Stop this bullshit now." This is when I was thinking of ending our relationship, I wrote to myself "You will not have lost anything but WORDS alone" AND let me say that this was very early on in our relationship. I saw the inconsistencies but ignored them. BUT the coup de grace as far as inconsistencies - My Narcissist is a very talented artist and I had asked him to draw, create something for me, anything, just for me, from him - AHEM, over a year later - I am still waiting for it (ha, not really, but you get the idea, I never got it). I did get a bunch of excuses, "I'm working on it," "I want it to be perfect," "I didn't know if I should give it to you because you and I are not getting along," etcetera. I could not believe that this person who was so talented, who could draw something amazing in 10 seconds would not draw something for me. And the kicker is he could have drawn a pile of sh*t and I would have thought it was the best thing in the world. I never understood it - I gave him everything and I mean everything and it was like he could not give me something I wanted, that didn't cost him any $, that he could have easily done - just because he knew I wanted it. Good Lord, thank you for giving me the strength & fortitude to stay away from him. Today is day 66 of NC & the hoovering was at an all time high this past week and yesterday.


Mar 1 - 4AM (Reply to #5)
Goldie's picture

Thumbs up

Great points Nancy, so true and the part about how you would have been so happy if he just threw you a bone with his artwork. We certainly did settle for less, no question. NO MORE, we deserve the BEST!!! Goldie
Feb 28 - 1AM
Happy1's picture


I am still learning. It's definitely hard for me. I visualize or hear something from someone and immediately want to think that's real. I want to trust people but I need to watch actions more closely and not words. If I had done this in the very beginning with my narc then I wouldn't be hurting so much right now. I think this is very important for us all. Actions truly do speak louder than words.
Feb 27 - 10PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I don't interact much

Due to a disability...the friends I have are pretty close knit. What I am finding is that in general, I lack patience for anything "draining"... I used to be very willing to help others, lend an ear...very generous... I haven't been Scrooge, but I find that others are kept on a very short leash? I don't want to talk to people much...and that has more to do with the fact that I think overall I attracted needy dysfunctional types...AND I no longer want to be drained... AND I think that is all a result of how I was molded...the dysfunction I come from that was "normal" all these years and now that I am aware I'm like WTF!!! AND it's hard to "begin" new friendships in your 40's so I've been very busy doing things that bring me enjoyment no matter how simple and finding my peace...AND the truth? I'm actually quite content, and I just hope I don't turn in to Greta Garbo!...Ha!
Mar 1 - 5AM (Reply to #2)
Goldie's picture

I think in time this will all balance out

I have gone through what you are describing and I think it is a part of recovery from this: to learn to be cautious and in time it will balance out. There is much to be cautious about out there, sad but true, and we do need to keep our guard up and our eyes open. I felt this very strongly in the beginning and also a great deal of fear regarding getting involved with another one. I almost did and when I realized, I ordered him out of my life and was thrilled that he actually left, I guess I scared him, LOL. That's o.k., he needed to go. I find now that the fear has subsided and I do fly into a rage everytime I meet a Narc now. I just quietly and quickly walk away. Goldie